Recovery ⫸⫸ THE RECOVERY THREAD 2021 ⫷⫷

[RDP89]

It's tough to get to the point of accepting that you need total abstinence. But it is rewarding for those that are ready for it. It took me a while but I'm starting to feel better and better every day being clean and sober.

I'm no longer a walking train wreck which is nice.

Yeah, I've come to the conclusion many, many times throughout the years. And quitting wasn't usually that hard. But staying sober long term has always been quite a different story. I feel like doing the prison time changed me substantially for the better. Probably has a lot to do with maturity too. But really just finally accepting that no matter how shitty I may sometimes feel sober, I'm still in a much better place than where use will inevitably lead me.

Glad to hear you are feeling better day by day!

 

[RDP89]

well done @RDP89 and @deficiT!!

glad you are enjoying being substance free.

had a v lazy day but did an exercise video today. been so tired after waking up so early every day last week so caught up a bit.

Thank you!!!
I also had to catch up on sleep this weekend after getting up at 2a.m. all week to start work two hours earlier than normal. I don't really mind that though as the overtime really helps on my check. Exercise helps me so much in recovery. I started running in prison and have continued on the outside though I did have to cut down on the amount of miles per week only because my knees start fucking up on me if I run alot of miles. Still want to find some way around that but it doesn't seem too promising. Also do weights every other day.

 

[RDP89]

One more thing I would like to add is that I have a goal of one year completely clean from everything(besides caffeine). I had longer than that but not in the free world. I know some people, especially 12 steppers feel goals like that are detrimental, but fuck that I'm doing it. Longest I've ever had in the free world is 78 days. I understand counting days has a potential to not be such a good thing but in my case I feel like a goal only helps me and it's not like I obsess over it constantly. I'll forget for awhile and have to check the date to add it up.

 

[SunriseChampion]

had a v lazy day but did an exercise video today. been so tired after waking up so early every day last week so caught up a bit.

How do you motivate yourself?

I do calisthenics and yoga on and off, but haven't done anything since November.
Wanted to get back into it and figure now that I won't be working for a bit it'd be a great time to do a double session every day but I absolutely fucking suck at motivating myself to do anything or to stick with it for more than a few weeks.

I'm in great health and fit (my job is quite physical so I'm always moving) so there isn't an acute problem in that regard that might require me to help myself improve my health.

Any tips on self-motivation?

 

[Hylight]

i need medicine. i need medicine. i just cannot do this without medicine. ☹

i will pray about it. but maybe after i take my medicine. is that right. !!

seems to be wrong but at the right time.

i worry. but have been doing so much better.
i feel so anyway. no more serious headaches that almost kill me from the pain.

just depression and slowness. but not dumb enough and can still try to care.

it is sad to be so lazy and unhappy.

but it's dope when it's fun and am able to consume large doses of sugar.

i made it through the last two years. that seem to be all a fuzzy dream. lool. i keep trying.

i need more vitamins.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Any tips on self-motivation?

tbh right now my main one is wanting to lose weight!! for my entire 20s and til i went to rehab i was too thin to have periods. now i am officially overweight cos i've been allowing myself to eat what i like on the grounds that i quit crack or heroin so i deserve some pleasure in life. i never had scales cos of my history of eating disorders but weighed myself at my parents over christmas and found i was in the overweight BMI category.

my job is completely sedentary so if i don't put in effort i will just be a big fat pie.

when i wasn't actively trying to lose weight, my main motivation was having a specific goal in mind. i.e. i always have a hiking holiday that i'm planning and i don't want to die. last year i was supposed to do the hardest yet- 20k and 1k ascent/descent per day for 5 days (then 8 days sightseeing but that will likely be a lot of walking too) but it got moved to this year. i really hope i get to go this year travel is one of my main motivations in recovery. i went hiking in georgia (the country not the state) and jordan- 6 days ending in petra, and they were amazing but i know i'd have been able to enjoy it better if i was fitter.

also, the joe wicks HIIT videos i do are only 20 mins so its easy to con yourself into doing it and by the time you start hating it you're half way through so no point in giving up!!

glad you are doing better @Hylight but it sounds like you're still in a very difficult place. i hope you get your meds sorted.

 

[JoEhJoEh]

Thank you!!!
I also had to catch up on sleep this weekend after getting up at 2a.m. all week to start work two hours earlier than normal. I don't really mind that though as the overtime really helps on my check. Exercise helps me so much in recovery. I started running in prison and have continued on the outside though I did have to cut down on the amount of miles per week only because my knees start fucking up on me if I run alot of miles. Still want to find some way around that but it doesn't seem too promising. Also do weights every other day.

Hey,

I just can tell the same about exercising while recovering. I'm still at rehab and they beat the shit out of us when it comes to exercising :D - the first 30 minutes I tend to hate the therapists but when it's been done I'm feeling soooo good, pseudo-high anyhow We are mostly doing sports in a group which helps to get in contact with other people I did not know before, this is also strenghtening me although I had never problems to get in contact with new people. It's never boring because we are doing sports from Nordic Walking to endurance sports, from Badminton and Volleyball to strenght training and in the end we learn a lot about relaxation exercises which we can and should do at home, too.

For me it's funny in a way because when I was totally down in a severe depression I thought I could never do that anymore - I was wrong

I'm happy for you that it helps you such a lot, too!

Have a nice day all and stay safe,

JJ

 

[PtahTek]

I feel like a goal only helps me

I am of the same mind: Any headway or motion in the "right" direction is valuable. I do not care if it is just putting off the inevitable for five minutes or five years... the willingness to accomplish these small feats is a strong asset. It is in ones character or part of ones personality and can be fostered and the will becomes more freeing as it grows.
Just some idea on this. I did a bid back when and I tell ya I came out in a perma-meditative state. lol Still trying to come to terms with the changes but do not fit in anywhere (still)... which is also an asset, imo.
Bruh, you know and feel your accomplishments and recognize them for what they are... cool. No body can take that and it will give strength to others (and probably has).
Glad to see you are still around. Not trying to be familiar but a lot of oler-timers get stuck and do not have the chance to make a decision by choice.
Love always

 

[Hylight]

yes. i still have my good days and bad days. it's that stupid P.A.W.S.

 

[SunriseChampion]

@chinup
I hope you get to do your trip this year! I'm supposed to go to the Yukon and British Columbia for two months this summer. Gonna canoe the Arctic Ocean a bit and do some mountaineering. Hopefully we all get to where we wanted to be going, damn plague.
That trip to Georgia and Jordan sounds amaaaaazing.
Yeah, there is no negative outcome or consequence of me not exercising outside of work so it's hard to keep at it.
I rock climb and canoe and hike in my spare time already so end goals for fitness are not necessary.

I guess I don't really need to exercise outside of work and should stop making myself feel bad for not doing it. Might be a psychological issue for me. Like I feel like I should be doing all this other stuff but there may not be a functional purpose for me doing so except the endorphin rush, which I can live without.

@Hylight Keep at it, mate! What meds do you need?

 

[Jabberwocky]

My recovery for 2021 is going pretty well. It’s now over two weeks since I finished my epic gram a day smokefest to end 2020. As usual, after about 2 days from last dose I slept a few days dosed up on valium and seroquel as soon as I started crying uncontrollably at the tiniest things. Then I had a week where I felt basically normal and mentally quite functional. However, the last week I have had terrible insomnia and really horrible half-awake dreams even when I take a valium and maybe 25-50 mg seroquel at night. This has led to me feeling very angry and short-tempered during the day time (which is pretty unusual for me) . My thoughts are also very foggy and I feel nauseous, dizzy and confused a lot during the day time.

I also have very high blood pressure (140/100) despite taking clonidine to reduce it (seems to have no effect. I am concerned that the low prescribed dose of dexamfetamine I’ve started taking again (only 10-20 mg a day) might be having cardiac side effects - especially as it now no longer buffered by Abilify like it was before I went on my meth binge.

I have kept busy despite feeling this way and have moved to a really nice new apartment in a different part of town so I can be close to my daughter and spend more time with her. I’ve had to leave my dog with my folks, as they have a house and yard. This has made me sad - especially not having that company at night when I cannot sleep.

If I remember correctly, this horrible feeling matches my previous experience of quitting meth after months-long binges. I can’t remember how long it took to go away previously but I do recall swimming laps and doing hot yoga was pretty helpful. So, I’m looking for somewhere to do both those things in my new neighbourhood. I’m also going to go and get a full medical checkup including bloodwork for everything (especially VD ). I won’t mention the meth to the doc unless things don’t get better in a few weeks and there is no other explanation.

I’m also getting a new psych and asking for a complete re-assessment of my case, diagnosis, and medication. I’d really like to be totally medication free if possible, except for something to treat my ADHD - though I might look into non-stimulant options there if it turns out I don’t handle the dex by itself very well.

I’m pretty confident about staying free from meth. Even though I don’t feel ready to start proper PhD work again just yet, I’m actively looking for community activities to get involved in, am checking out some volunteering opportunities, have the enthusiasm and energy to exercise, and have switched my Tinder profile back on (though not yet begin swiping).

 

[Jabberwocky]

urgh @Atelier3 i'm sorry to hear about your insomnia. and that you don't have your doggy with you. getting a full medical checkup sounds like a great idea.

yesterday i pushed the dieting way too far. i'm finding it much easier to restrict my food intake than i expected so need to be really careful. i was hungry a lot last week but this week i don't feel hungry. but i got so tired yesterday and know it was from not eating properly.

am listening to the NOFX autobiography book. realised i was living in santa barbara at roughly the same time they were living there and getting royally fucked up. feel a bit resentful for having missed out due to being 6, but i'd probably have died before i got to spend nights doing 200 shoots of coke with smelly.

 

[RDP89]

@PtahTek Thanks so much for the kind words! Yeah, I feel like if I just keep moving in a positive direction even in the days where I don’t feel like it things will continue to get better.

Definitely sucks that I’m a felon now but I don’t know if there was any other way to change my thinking at least not that quickly so I still feel it was all for the better. I have a ten year old daughter who needs me to not only be around but also be at my best. I know what you mean about people not getting a chance to change for the better as I have seen too many people die young as a result of addiction just in the last few years it is crazy.

 

[Jabberwocky]

i could actually cry. in two weeks all my saving towards a house has been wiped out due to mostly unforeseen expenses. and a tax issue means i won't be paid as much this month.

really feel like fucking dry january off today. first time i've felt like that since i got to my own place.

 

[somnilicious]

Damn.... That sucks @chinup. I don't know what to say or put it more eloquently. I know it feels like a punch in the gut and is going to hurt.

I've had so much calamity and misfortune, mostly of my own doing, that I've had to really work on my radical acceptance(hate that phrase btw..). Being 40yrs old, with my history and the condition my country is in has caused my a lot of disappointment and fear. I've had to approach life from a simplistic perspective, based on my most base hierarchy of needs because my expectations of how life should be were causing me too much pain. I've tried to focus on what I can give back to the World by putting love into action. It's trite and I'm only glad that I have the methadone clinic because it's given me the ability to breath.

That being said I've accumulated a little bit of money and consider myself fortunate so my heart breaks to hear you had to spend your money because I would probably cry if I lost mine too

Money comes and goes and I'm just glad we have tomorrow because all things considered it could be worse. I've got it a lot better than a good number of people in the world.

I finished my program and vaped a little delta 8, which caused a little bit too much anxiety because I hadn't smoked in 2mths so I took a couple of gabapentins I had prescribed because of my arm injury so I'm not very sober. I know no one considers a methadone patient to be such but it has definitely improved my life. I've been struggling with this for 25yrs and it feels amazing to be able to sleep. I had forgotten what it truly feels like.

To all the addicts working for the changeSomni...

Oh yeah! I saw NoFX 3x's in the 90's , at The Warped Tour and a little punk club in Orlando @chinup. I dug the Punk and Drublic album. I Hope you have some financial fortune in the near future.

I read this daily but haven't been posting as much. Good to see so many people working to improve their lives.

 

[Jabberwocky]

i could actually cry. in two weeks all my saving towards a house has been wiped out due to mostly unforeseen expenses. and a tax issue means i won't be paid as much this month.

really feel like fucking dry january off today. first time i've felt like that since i got to my own place.

I’m very sorry to hear about this @chinup. Was that saving towards a house of your own to buy? Your first one? Do they have special help for first home buyers where you live? Or affordable housing schemes?

 

[Jabberwocky]

thank you guys. it means a lot.

you are right about radical acceptance @somnilicious the situation is just going to cause me more pain if i don't accept it. i am actually grateful that i can afford the expenses so don't have to go begging my parents for money. i will need to push back my dental surgery until at least March which will totally suck cos the tooth that they couldn't get out last time is causing me a lot of discomfort but i won't be able to afford to eat in feb if i don't.

@Atelier3 they do have help for first time buyers here but sadly i am not one. i had a house but i had to sell it and give all the proceeds to my parents as it was the only way i could pay them anything towards what i owe them.... and i still owe them £40k! i'm looking to buy with my boyfriend and he has a lot saved but we may have to wait longer or revise our wants- we want like 4 bedrooms so i can have a home office given my job is remote, a music room for all our amps and shit, and a room for one child that he would look after lol.

its basically sealed the deal that when my current rental contract is up i'll move back with my parents AGAIN which sucks big time but even paying them rent i'll be able to save a grand a month easy.

i did drink last night. i know i shouldn't just go for the escape route when shit like this hits. i feel a bit calmer today and can add money to the list of reasons why i shouldn't drink.

 

[Jabberwocky]

also @somnilicious i'm so jealous you got to see NOFX in the 90s before they started producing absolute shite. i saw them in 2002 at a festival but don't remember much apart from the bit of the decline, i spent that festival not eating and only drinking booze and smoking weed cos i didn't wanna use the toilets so memory is patchy and i ended up in the medical tent. the only good song they've done in the past 20 years is '6 years on dope' but i fucking love lori meyers and think the decline might be the greatest punk song of all time.

if you haven't listened to the audiobook, its free on youtube and its great. fucking dark though so glad i never ended up living in a squat where the toilet didn't work and everyone had hepatitis so were doing white shits and brown pisses in a bathtub. i guess in that situation everyone being a smackhead and therefore rarely shitting was probably a blessing.

 

[somnilicious]

also @somnilicious i'm so jealous you got to see NOFX in the 90s before they started producing absolute shite. i saw them in 2002 at a festival but don't remember much apart from the bit of the decline, i spent that festival not eating and only drinking booze and smoking weed cos i didn't wanna use the toilets so memory is patchy and i ended up in the medical tent. the only good song they've done in the past 20 years is '6 years on dope' but i fucking love lori meyers and think the decline might be the greatest punk song of all time.

if you haven't listened to the audiobook, its free on youtube and its great. fucking dark though so glad i never ended up living in a squat where the toilet didn't work and everyone had hepatitis so were doing white shits and brown pisses in a bathtub. i guess in that situation everyone being a smackhead and therefore rarely shitting was probably a blessing.

Oh my God!! I didn't know the band members of NOFX were that about it. I haven't followed the band since my late teens. I'll have to check that out. Thanks...

I'm nervous because I have court over zoom this morning. It shouldn't be a big deal, as it's just preliminary motions to say I've completed all my obligations and I'm released from probation. Keep my fingers crossed. Wish me luck.

 

[Jabberwocky]

the drummer was the only junkie, but courtney love described him as 'the worst junkie i've ever met' and given LA was full of awful junkies at that time that says something. the others get fucked up though and now he's in recovery he has to go to bed early on tour while they're all getting on it.

good luck with court!! dress smartly and be respectful and i'm sure it'll go fine. surely they can't fuck you over at this point? you've done so well!!