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Recovery ⫸⫸ THE RECOVERY THREAD 2021 ⫷⫷

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fuck me i have just been quoted £1000 to get my teeth sorted.

got woken up by my cats again at 6am, so went for another pre work run. too tired to really do anything which is why i'm posting on here when i should have started 45 mins ago.

not drinking is much easier at mine than at my parents, i think i just find being around my mum hard. my boyf is starting to crack. last night he was moaning about not being allowed a beer and i think he's gonna probably have one on friday but i'm gonna try not to. he's actually not drunk all month so is a bit ahead of me.

@Rio Fantastic i get what you're saying about potentially doing too many things at once, i think if i was finding not drinking really hard then i'd probably need to reconsider. i actually think i gained the weight before i started drinking heavily (i only started in sept after i had that week back on b+w and already by then some rings i wear all the time had got difficult to get off)- cos i eat less if i'm drinking a lot, but i am hoping not drinknig will correspond to some 'free' weight loss. i think they sort of support each other cos if i think about drinking i need to consider the calories whereas before i just didn't care.
 
ions said:
You might substitute something in place of what you are quitting. Like food for beer. Cannabis is a safe alternative, but I know my state doesn't list alcohol as a qualifying condition, only opiates. Hemp flower helped me quit smoking, but then I started drinking heavier. It's swapping habits I know, but change is sometimes necessary and difficult to accomplish. It comes down to dealing with the punches life throws you. For instance, modern medicine believes that antipsychotics are better than cannabis and often prescribe where they're unnecessary for a profit to keep a business afloat.
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Anti-psychotics are better than cannabis for psychosis. Cannabis can significantly exacerbate and even trigger psychotic episodes in the pre-disposed. Swapping out antipsychotics for weed is one of the most self-destructive chemical decisions a schizophrenic could possibly make, perhaps being marginally better than only hard stimulants or psychedelics.

I agree that anti-psychotics are probably over prescribed and this is coming from someone who has fervently hated every single anti-psychotic I've been put on (and the fucking psychiatrists tried me on practically all of them after a manic episode), but we shouldn't forget their huge utility when discussing that. Thorazine literally revolutionized the treatment of mental illness, and prior to its discovery the best a doctor could do with someone suffering from acute psychosis was just to keep them doped up to the eyes on sedatives so that their psychosis wouldn't trouble anyone else. It was only after Thorazine and other neuroleptics were discovered that a medication was found that could actually treat the symptoms of psychosis & sure, they aren't perfect, but they can be a godsend for schizophrenics.
 
So, let's say that there are voices in your head which may relate to a schizophrenia diagnosis. Now if you can get that under control to an internal monologue and deal with what you think, then cannabis can help slow down and sort these things out. It's just not practice in modern medicine because it's not taught in medical school. The side effects from antipsychotics are great. The side effects from cannabis are few. If you over do it, then it causes psychosis. But you can get it down to once a day session then it could be beneficial. It's helped me and I would swear by which is why I recommend it. I hate the invega injections. So I smoke pot to help with the side effects of these drugs forced on you like a fucking pistol. @Rio Fantastic
 
chinup said:
fuck me i have just been quoted £1000 to get my teeth sorted.

got woken up by my cats again at 6am, so went for another pre work run. too tired to really do anything which is why i'm posting on here when i should have started 45 mins ago.

not drinking is much easier at mine than at my parents, i think i just find being around my mum hard. my boyf is starting to crack. last night he was moaning about not being allowed a beer and i think he's gonna probably have one on friday but i'm gonna try not to. he's actually not drunk all month so is a bit ahead of me.

@Rio Fantastic i get what you're saying about potentially doing too many things at once, i think if i was finding not drinking really hard then i'd probably need to reconsider. i actually think i gained the weight before i started drinking heavily (i only started in sept after i had that week back on b+w and already by then some rings i wear all the time had got difficult to get off)- cos i eat less if i'm drinking a lot, but i am hoping not drinknig will correspond to some 'free' weight loss. i think they sort of support each other cos if i think about drinking i need to consider the calories whereas before i just didn't care.
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Holy shit, £1000!?!?! Fuck! I only appreciate the NHS when something like that reminds me how much medical procedures actually cost. Would it have been free if you were unemployed or is it a cosmetic procedure not covered by the NHS??

Do you not like waking up at 6AM?? That doesn't seem so bad to me. I've been trying to put my sleeping pattern back in order after it was thrown off kilter by the couple nights I couldn't sleep. I want to go back to waking up around sunrise to get the most daylight I can.


The addict in me is talking to me in my own voice again today. However, this isn't the horrible, overwhelmingly terrible day that I've been preparing for, so I will get through it. I have a super vivid memory of relapsing after 52 days of sobriety last February. Nothing particularly bad happened on the day - I had a mild disappointment when I didn't see the girl I was into at the group I was attending (remember when we could gather in groups?!! the good old days....) and then my mood just started spiralling. I came home to find my internet had been cut out since my payment was late, and then the worrying part is that I remember trying things to get rid of my cravings. I remember fighting against it. I went for a run, I meditated, read over some inspirational sobriety quotes, and I was still having really intense cravings until I couldn't bear it anymore.

Thinking back though, there are 2 lessons to be learned. Firstly, that day surprised me, and it shouldn't have. I think it was made worse because it crept up on me - I had been doing really well for a week or 2, and I think that left me unprepared. Secondly, one thing I didn't try was just reaching out to someone and telling them what was going on for me. I'd been doing so well that I'd stopped going to SMART meetings and putting active time into maintaining my recovery. I won't make those mistakes again!

So that's the day I'm preparing for. I compare every bad day I have to that benchmark, and this one is nowhere near as bad as the memory of that day, so that helps me get through it.
 
ions said:
So, let's say that there are voices in your head which may relate to a schizophrenia diagnosis. Now if you can get that under control to an internal monologue and deal with what you think, then cannabis can help slow down and sort these things out. It's just not practice in modern medicine because it's not taught in medical school. The side effects from antipsychotics are great. The side effects from cannabis are few. If you over do it, then it causes psychosis. But you can get it down to once a day session then it could be beneficial. It's helped me and I would swear by which is why I recommend it. I hate the invega injections. So I smoke pot to help with the side effects of these drugs forced on you like a fucking pistol. @Rio Fantastic
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Are you currently on Invega?

Look, if it works for you then that's great, but it's really irresponsible to give this as a suggestion. Weed is notorious for exacerbating symptoms of psychosis. I know this is just anecdotal (though PLENTY of data exists on this if you look), but I watched a friend of mine develop a mild psychosis, start smoking weed again, and then have a full psychotic break. He was found lying down on a train track waiting for a train to hit him because in his mind there was a government agency pursuing him who had replaced his cat with a spy cat (seriously) and was poisoning the bottled water he was buying. Now, maybe it would have got that bad anyway, but also maybe not. I know from my manic experience that weed can definitely potentiate psychotic symptoms.

The reason that this "technique" of yours isn't taught in medical school is because it's really unwise for the vast majority of schizophrenics.
 
Schizophrenia is a made up disease and a lazy approach to diagnosis. It's often the result of trauma, especially early life trauma, or the side effects of psychdelics like MDMA. It should be addressed as such to confront your demons instead of saying how are you today? Psychiatry should pinpoint that maybe he saw a heinous violent crime as a child and never processed it correctly.

I am currently on invega, have been since 2013, risperdal before that, and haldol before that. Nitemare.

I just think we'd be better with cannabis in a hospital setting than the guesswork of antipsychotics. They block dopamine, but it's just a shot in the dark as to what chemistry is sour. Yeah, I'd like to rewrite the books and try this approach because the antipsychotics are bad drugs IMO. And medicine is an opinion, not a science.
Rio Fantastic said:
Are you currently on Invega?

Look, if it works for you then that's great, but it's really irresponsible to give this as a suggestion. Weed is notorious for exacerbating symptoms of psychosis. I know this is just anecdotal (though PLENTY of data exists on this if you look), but I watched a friend of mine develop a mild psychosis, start smoking weed again, and then have a full psychotic break. He was found lying down on a train track waiting for a train to hit him because in his mind there was a government agency pursuing him who had replaced his cat with a spy cat (seriously) and was poisoning the bottled water he was buying. Now, maybe it would have got that bad anyway, but also maybe not. I know from my manic experience that weed can definitely potentiate psychotic symptoms.

The reason that this "technique" of yours isn't taught in medical school is because it's really unwise for the vast majority of schizophrenics.
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If THC is undesirable, perhaps CBD or hemp extracts.
 
i could get it on the NHS but would have to get a referral to a hospital so right now that isn't going to happen. the place where she couldn't take the tooth out cos it crumbled is getting more and more painful so the longer i leave it the worse it'll get. its the sedation that's expensive- £600 for a nurse and IV midazolam but due to the extent of the work that needs doing the dentist won't try with just oral diazepam so its either that or general anaesthetic in hospital.

i don't like waking up at 6am cos i've never had enough sleep by then. also its dark, my boyf is asleep, and there's just not much to do but wait for it to get light and go for a run. you'd think after a few nights of waking up super early i'd be able to get to sleep earlier but sadly that is not so. i'm doing OK considering.

sometimes cravings just can't be worked through- i remember having them lasting like 2-3 days when i was in early recovery. actual rather than metaphorical white knuckling it. and being told by well meaning people to do this or that, and sometimes it would distract me for a while but then the craving would come back. but it would always go eventually and then i'd feel so pissed off for having got through it cos it meant i couldn't justify using on similar in the future. i think you will have to get through a couple of multi day cravings to get through to a long clean time. i promise its worth it though!!
 
ions said:
Schizophrenia is a made up disease and a lazy approach to diagnosis. It's often the result of trauma, especially early life trauma, or the side effects of psychdelics like MDMA. It should be addressed as such to confront your demons instead of saying how are you today? Psychiatry should pinpoint that maybe he saw a heinous violent crime as a child and never processed it correctly.

I am currently on invega, have been since 2013, risperdal before that, and haldol before that. Nitemare.

I just think we'd be better with cannabis in a hospital setting than the guesswork of antipsychotics. They block dopamine, but it's just a shot in the dark as to what chemistry is sour. Yeah, I'd like to rewrite the books and try this approach because the antipsychotics are bad drugs IMO. And medicine is an opinion, not a science.

If THC is undesirable, perhaps CBD or hemp extracts.
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What's a "made up disease"? Schizophrenia accurately describes some different symptoms that very often occur together. That's the entire criteria of a disease. I don't understand how you can agree that there are some symptoms that often co-occur but then take issue with giving those symptoms a name. When schizophrenia is the result of psychedelics then it will either stop when the person stops taking drugs in which case its not schizophrenia but drug-induced psychosis. Whether or not schizophrenia is the result of a traumatic life event has no bearing on the legitimacy of the diagnosis.

Psychiatrists/psychologists often can pinpoint a traumatic event that may have some bearing on the persons' condition, but that doesn't immediately solve the problem. "Oh! I see! Thanks doc, now I know that my schizophrenia was caused by watching a crime when I was 9. Now you've pointed that out, I'm totally sane again!" - it's just not how it works.

CBD is vastly preferable and is in trials to treat psychosis. THC and CBD as treatments for psychosis are literally polar opposites. THC will exacerbate it, CBD can relieve it.

Medicine is science. Doctors will give their "medical opinion" which is informed by the medical field which is 100% based in science. Medical practice sometimes has guesswork involved because that's the nature of treating human beings rather than fixing cars - bodies are extremely complex systems, and if doctors had to wait till they were 100% certain before making medical decisions then millions of people would die unnecessarily.

Your take seems to be "Doctors are just guessing when they prescribe antipsychotics, the medication that's demonstrated enormous clinical effectiveness all around the world for over half a century. They should instead prescribe weed, the drugs that's been conclusively proven to worsen schizophrenia, because I enjoy smoking it". The mechanism of action of antipsychotics is really pretty straightforward. Psychosis seems to be correlated with heightened post-synaptic dopamine transmission. Antipsychotics reduce this transmission, which relives the psychosis.
 
chinup said:
i could get it on the NHS but would have to get a referral to a hospital so right now that isn't going to happen. the place where she couldn't take the tooth out cos it crumbled is getting more and more painful so the longer i leave it the worse it'll get. its the sedation that's expensive- £600 for a nurse and IV midazolam but due to the extent of the work that needs doing the dentist won't try with just oral diazepam so its either that or general anaesthetic in hospital.

i don't like waking up at 6am cos i've never had enough sleep by then. also its dark, my boyf is asleep, and there's just not much to do but wait for it to get light and go for a run. you'd think after a few nights of waking up super early i'd be able to get to sleep earlier but sadly that is not so. i'm doing OK considering.

sometimes cravings just can't be worked through- i remember having them lasting like 2-3 days when i was in early recovery. actual rather than metaphorical white knuckling it. and being told by well meaning people to do this or that, and sometimes it would distract me for a while but then the craving would come back. but it would always go eventually and then i'd feel so pissed off for having got through it cos it meant i couldn't justify using on similar in the future. i think you will have to get through a couple of multi day cravings to get through to a long clean time. i promise its worth it though!!
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Thank you for this. It really means a lot.

I relate so much to part of you being annoyed when you've got through a craving. I've done that before, where I've thrown fuel on the fire and looked for more reason to be miserable so I could justify relapsing. I find at the moment that if I stay mindful for the very very early part of a craving - before it's even really a craving, more like just the possibility suddenly enters my mind as an option again - then I can put the brakes on before it goes as far as "my life sucks because of X so I should use" or the old classic "I'm gonna phone my dealer and if he answers I'll use, if he doesn't answer I'm staying clean" (then if the dealer doesn't answer I'll just keep calling them till I get through because that thought was only ever a way of justifying what I already wanted to do but try and "blame" it on chance).
 
@Rio Fantastic It could be sexual abuse as a child or adult that never processed. Butt rape is a trauma event. Psychiatrists aren't prepared to talk about these things. MAPS is working on trauma with MDMA as if a patient doesn't feel comfortable talking about something like that sober, the fear extinction and emotional response are watered down to be more comfortable. Big pharma is behind antipsychotics, insurance covers them, insurance profiting ocurrs. Marijuana is literally dirt cheap. MDMA is pricey, but in a legal free market cheap. If you have concerns about schizophrenics taking my advice, send them elsewhere. I don't accept payments for it. Psychiatrists get wealthy.

My beliefs went against academia and I got kicked out, arrested, hospitalized, twice and kicked out of NY for going to far in a research environment. So there's that.
 
Rio Fantastic said:
I'm sorry to hear you relapsed. However, that's really encouraging that you've done it this time from your own volition. Having an OD be your last experience, especially a terrifying one like that, can be a powerful motivator to stick with sobriety as long as you actively remember it. Your brain will naturally make that memory foggier and less accessible whilst the memory of opiate highs only becomes more vivid and attractive, so to counteract that tendency I would suggest actively recalling that experience, as well as the other consequences using has had on your life, as an antidote against euphoric recall. You're right though - day 3 is when WD is usually at its most intense, and its an awesome milestone when you know with every hour you endure withdrawal is now receding rather than intensifying.

Have you dealt with PAWs before?
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Right- getting that negative memory association to stick is a bear. I've gone through this once before and made it out with 3 years of sobriety. All it took was one phone call from an old friend to go back.

I can feel my brain trying to twist it's way into making using a good thing. I just have to refocus on why things are so much better clean.

Paws for me lasted about 2 years last time. I'd have recurring episodes of cravings/ anxiety for shorter and shorter periods until they became infrequent. I have a good arsenal of coping mechanisms, just gotta remember to use them.
 
@Rio Fantastic i used to do exactly the same thing of calling dealers over and over again until it was 'their fault' that i had used. fucking madness.

@ions you can get specialist therapy for sexual abuse, and i had some PTSD therapy related to EMDR (i think it was called accelerated resolution therapy) that did not require you to bring up the traumatic memories to treat them. it sounds like witchcraft but was amazing.

for some reason i just remembered i wrote a blog while i was anorexic and though the content has been archived the account is still there so i was able to log in and see the pictures i posted, which ar epretty scary, and read what i wrote. i'm sure looking that up is related to the fact i'm making my first concerted effort to lose weight since then, but its a stark reminder that i need to watch myself.

here is an excerpt of me 14 years ago, plus typos:

i am deeper in. rationally i know this. for some reason apples and bananas have become battles, but i barely care. neither do i care that soon the beautifu, luscious strawberries will soon go that way.

why? because im sure every night new angles to my bones have crept out of their greasy robes. because this morning the scale said 50kg. which means when they take my cast off, i will be comfortably in the 40s. because i dont feel energyless, my creaking hips are the only protest i hear from my body. my brain, my mind feels clear. clear in its functioning and its direction.

my body is a co-conspirator with the anorexia. the body loses its appetite, sometimes long before the brain feels fragile enough to paint its pain all over me.

i resent my body less now. when i was eating more over easter, i wished i had no body. the body reflects weakness, vice, challenges failed and met.
now i want it. now i embrace it and becomes a game once again. here is no hunger or mental anguish involved, just mirrors, scales and optica illusion.

why do i write this? because i feel so much better for stopping giving a shit that im dying and my fragmented elbow is getting softer, instead of moulding to its new pins and cantilevers.

he ony problem is, i know this good feeling will not last and soon enough i will be thrown into a vastness of emotions, each crashing down on me with the force of the tsunami.

a few days later i posted how i was terrified cos i'd been losing half a kilo a day for over a week and knew that was organ and bone.
 
i am still dependent i guess. until i actually have to stop.

( i was in such pain at the end of the day yesterday that i was actually thankful i had something to take)
 
i totally get you. i really wish i could have had justice for the perpetrators against me and i did try in two instances and got nowhere. but i promise therapy helps.
 
same in france and the uk where i tried to report things. stop focusing on things you can't control and use that mental energy to work on recovery.
 
I wish I could bottle up how I've felt the last week and share it with everybody suffering at the moment. I have been extremely fortunate and can't be grateful enough. My heart goes out to all the addicts currently in the struggle. The methadone clinic has certainly been a blessing during this current time in my life. Wishing everyone the best....

♥️Somni
 
Fucking hell....they just shut us down here in Ontario. Kind of like last spring, which is when I started drinking alone and eventually smoking again.

Not gonna lie, my first thoughts were how I was going to get through another two months sober. It's been some battles inside my head in regards to it.

I have two packs of smokes and enough gin, vermouth, campari, and fernet branca to make cocktails for 30 people over two days. I'm forcing myself to mission through it.
It's going to be interesting.
 
good luck @SunriseChampion i don't envy you. its difficult enough without a lockdown in winter. do you think you would be able to throw your booze away so its not tempting you? keep us updated on how you're getting on.

how is everyone doing? i am worried about @Rio Fantastic cos he didn't post yesterday and the day before was having a hard day, and about @cowboycurtis cos last time i saw him post he'd lapsed.

i'm finding dry january much easier at mine. and enjoying my life much more as a result, actually laughing with my boyf in the evening instead of us both just sitting there getting drunk watching tv.

reading my old blog has been interesting. realised how bad my memory is. i had a way worse drug problem than i thought while i was anorexic, it just paled in comparison to the eating disorder so has disappeared from my memory but i was using a bigger range of downers than i remember (most prescribed cos anorexia fills you with adrenaline all the time which makes it hard to function/sleep) and was also doing coke every 1-2 weeks which was a surprise cos i don't like and have never liked coke. prob cos there was no mdma in france except when my boyf posted pills to me.
 
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