Recovery ⫸⫸ THE RECOVERY THREAD 2021 ⫷⫷

[Jabberwocky]

hey guys- had a really crap day to today. my older cat is 12 which is 64 in human years and she went to the vet for her boosters and had to stay in til afternoon for tests cos she had lost a quarter of her body weight!!!

i knew she had lost weight but i didn't realise it was so drastic as to be concerning. i feel like such a bad cat mum. i thought i'd left neglecting her behind when i got into recovery. all her tests were fine-ish, within the normal range but kidney and thyroid were at the border. so i'm pretty sure she lost the weight as a result of me getting the kitten in january, which stressed her a lot and he's a proper arsehole about her eating. so i'm going to make sure she gets fed a decent amount separately from now on.

i was waiting from 10-3 for this call about this test just wanting to cry. it made me realise how much i love her and vow to cherish her more, she has been with me through everything.

if you're not an animal person you'll think i'm being stupid but i don't care.

on the plus side, last night was the first night in a long time that my strategy for getting to sleep that's worked for most of my recovery actually worked- just reading and my eyes getting heavy pretty quick at which point i turn out the light and am off. so that means being at my parents has helped get my brain back in balance a bit and motivates me to not just get insanely drunk this evening.

 

[Nipper76]

I just tried the fisher/Wallace brain stimulator.
lit actually works really good.
pretty instantly.
It is a genuine relief and I love it.
I did put it on level 3 and 4.
I now realize everything in this world is based around money.
not our best interest.
scientific studies show it works equally if not better than medications.
I can attest to this as I had good instant results.
but this technology is buried in all the drug companies bill shit. They don’t want to heal you. They want your money.
this isn’t cheap but it can be bought a lot less than 500 bucks. Under 300 is available if you search.
it’s worth every penny.
m
Peace out

Bought!

Discount still available on their website. Might be a good alternative, but then I'm up for anything new. cheers!

 

[Nipper76]

When that clock struck midnight, felt like I dropped a massive turd that I'd been nipping off for months.

Best of luck everyone, have a good year.

 

[Jabberwocky]

hey guys- had a really crap day to today. my older cat is 12 which is 64 in human years and she went to the vet for her boosters and had to stay in til afternoon for tests cos she had lost a quarter of her body weight!!!

i knew she had lost weight but i didn't realise it was so drastic as to be concerning. i feel like such a bad cat mum. i thought i'd left neglecting her behind when i got into recovery. all her tests were fine-ish, within the normal range but kidney and thyroid were at the border. so i'm pretty sure she lost the weight as a result of me getting the kitten in january, which stressed her a lot and he's a proper arsehole about her eating. so i'm going to make sure she gets fed a decent amount separately from now on.

i was waiting from 10-3 for this call about this test just wanting to cry. it made me realise how much i love her and vow to cherish her more, she has been with me through everything.

if you're not an animal person you'll think i'm being stupid but i don't care.

on the plus side, last night was the first night in a long time that my strategy for getting to sleep that's worked for most of my recovery actually worked- just reading and my eyes getting heavy pretty quick at which point i turn out the light and am off. so that means being at my parents has helped get my brain back in balance a bit and motivates me to not just get insanely drunk this evening.

maybe u already know this but since u mentioned the cats kidneys one of my cats died because i fed him too much hard food, his kidneys got clogged or something like that so u might wanna give them wet food more often because that happens very often with cats who only eat hard food they die

i'm having a very hard time staying sober i think about dope and rigs every minute day and night i wonder how long will i have to take this and if theres a way to stop it
honestly im not going to make it if this continues

 

[somnilicious]

hey guys- had a really crap day to today. my older cat is 12 which is 64 in human years and she went to the vet for her boosters and had to stay in til afternoon for tests cos she had lost a quarter of her body weight!!!

i knew she had lost weight but i didn't realise it was so drastic as to be concerning. i feel like such a bad cat mum. i thought i'd left neglecting her behind when i got into recovery. all her tests were fine-ish, within the normal range but kidney and thyroid were at the border. so i'm pretty sure she lost the weight as a result of me getting the kitten in january, which stressed her a lot and he's a proper arsehole about her eating. so i'm going to make sure she gets fed a decent amount separately from now on.

i was waiting from 10-3 for this call about this test just wanting to cry. it made me realise how much i love her and vow to cherish her more, she has been with me through everything.

if you're not an animal person you'll think i'm being stupid but i don't care.

on the plus side, last night was the first night in a long time that my strategy for getting to sleep that's worked for most of my recovery actually worked- just reading and my eyes getting heavy pretty quick at which point i turn out the light and am off. so that means being at my parents has helped get my brain back in balance a bit and motivates me to not just get insanely drunk this evening.

I'm so sorry you're going through this @chinup. I'm sure she knows she is loved and will enjoy many more warm lap naps with her loving mother.

My kitty cat died about a year ago after many years of purrin' n lovin' and it tore me up inside. I felt especially wretched because I had been feeling so horrible over his last couple of years that I didn't let him cuddle up as much as I should have. I could never sit still, sleep or stand physical touch because my nerves were too sensitive when I was off opiates.

I am comforted though because my elderly mother really took up the slack. I know he lived a great life and was truly loved. Not long before he died he climbed up on my warm chest in bed because he liked sleeping there while gently being rocked by my breathing. I awoke 6hrs later to him nibblin' at my chin with his after nap love nips in order to wake me up and feed him...lol....Ill always remember and cherish those moments.

I have been showering my doggie with love and Ill be gutted when she leaves. I'm so glad that I'm on methadone and I can actually enjoy snuggling up with her while reading or watching the tellie.

 

[Jabberwocky]

thank you you guys. @strangeaeon i'm sorry to head about your cat, its so difficult to know what to feed them. i do give mine wet food and will move the older one to renal food now. apart from when i was addicted to crack she's always had fancy vet approved food which is supposedly healthier.

it sounds a bit like you are feeding your cravings, if it comes to mind just firmly say to yourself 'no' and try to actively steer your thoughts away rather than engage with that using thought. easier said than done i know. i promise you its not like that forever. it gets a lot, lot, better.

@somnilicious that is so sad about your cat. it is awful when you know you could have done better by them. i guess that's what upset me yesterday. i'm glad your mum was able to pick up the slack and that you are engaging with your dog! my older cat isn't really a lap cat, she doesn't do cuddles, tbh she was abandoned by her first family when she got pregnant at 14 months (spay and neuter your cats people!) so ended up kinda stray and with a serious mistrust of humans. she will come and purr and make biscuits on you when she chooses and it feels so special when she chooses to be affectionate to you. all the time when i was using i would get annoyed when she wanted cuddles cos it inevitably got in the way or got cat hair in my shit.

feeling a bit better today, not blaming myself so much, just really hope she puts on weight by the time of the next vet trip. glad i got a pay rise with my new job cos loads of renal pouches is gonna be a hefty expense but she is totally worth it.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

@chinup I'm so sorry to hear about your cat! You aren't being stupid at all. When I lived with my Mum and our dogs died I was devastated. Even all the heroin I was taking wasn't enough to stop me from being really upset. I think only a sociopath would think you caring about an animal is stupid. However, please stop blaming yourself! She probably didn't lose the weight overnight - it could have been really gradual, which would have been difficult to notice even if you'd been watching out for it without weighing her. I really hope you get some good news. Also, congratulations on not drinking! Seriously, that's awesome. Always knew you had it in you.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

23 days clean. Sobriety is feeling monotonous. It hasn't come with actual cravings yet, but I know that it's from this kind of mindset that they can arise, so I'm taking some precautions. Going to give my phone to my Mum again today and ask her to keep it for a couple of days, just in case.

 

[Jabberwocky]

23 days is awesome!!! well done.

great idea to give your phone to your mum. anything that gives you a barrier is a chance for sanity to set in.

just remember using is fucking monotonous too. way more monotonous than being clean. using is just score/use/get money over again with no chance of anything else ever. right now being clean is monotonous but you can make it less monotonous within the confines of fucking lockdown 3.0 - run, do your meetings, do your tefl course if you're still doing it, chat to friends, borrow your bros guitar, i dunno learn to draw, decide you're suddenly really interested in some aspect of academic arcana and go down a rabbit hole learning about it.

or, you could do what i do and sit around playing video games and watching tv, drink to numb the boredom, then whine about sitting around doing nothing but drinking.

feeling a lot better about the whole cat situation, she is loving getting extra pouch and i'm pretty certain she lost the weight due to the stress of the kitten so will be able to regain it now she's gotten over herself a bit.

 

[Jabberwocky]

mum offered me a glass of wine at dinner and i didn't even hesitate before saying no. pretty proud of myself.

i can't tell her i'm doing dry january cos she knows that last time i attempted that it was cos i had a pretty bad drinking problem so she'll get concerned. if i decide that i will allow myself to drink after this period of abstinence then i don't want her getting on my back about it while i'm at home.

 

[Jabberwocky]

mum offered me a glass of wine at dinner and i didn't even hesitate before saying no. pretty proud of myself.

i can't tell her i'm doing dry january cos she knows that last time i attempted that it was cos i had a pretty bad drinking problem so she'll get concerned. if i decide that i will allow myself to drink after this period of abstinence then i don't want her getting on my back about it while i'm at home.

whenever i get too crazy i sit and drink a glass of wine, ive never had a drinking problem not even when i lived in russia having vodka for breakfast lunch and dinner, so having a small glass of wine almost every day makes me a bit happy and calmer. hope it doesnt escalate haha

 

[Jabberwocky]

i think its different if you can keep it to one glass. i can't.

i was addicted to benzos for ages then added alcohol to the mix, it was starting to really damage my stomach cos i'd mostly drink on an empty stomach. it was starting to cause intense pain the second alcohol hit my gut and i found heroin managed the symptoms amazingly. i went a short while doing all 3 but was still concerned about what the booze was doing to me. i found it easier not to drink or use benzos if i used dark so in my head it became this wonder drug that saved me from an early death. hahahahaha. then obviously having found heroin my life was perfect forever. well not quite it got bad very very quick and stayed that way a fucking long time.

even before i got back to my parents for christmas the drinking was starting to really affect my stomach again. i was in so much pain that i had to drink half a bottle of peptac just to be able to drink the amount i 'needed to' so i know if i don't stop now i'll make the incurable damage to my digestive system a billion times worse.

i did nearly 2 years of no alcohol starting from when i went to rehab without missing it for the most part so i really don't know why i started drinking again.

 

[bongdong]

It's hard if you really don't put your mind behind it, in my experience.

The mind is (almost) everything, I think. Basically what I'm doing now, (using in the evening again) ..not even caring enough to invest/suffer a couple of days or a week to get rid of the tolerance. I know I can do it and I would feel better after (and could call occasional use 'recreational' again), but I'm not building up sufficient motivation. What to do when you don't like that you don't care --> don't care about that either.

i was addicted to benzos for ages then added alcohol to the mix, it was starting to really damage my stomach cos i'd mostly drink on an empty stomach. it was starting to cause intense pain the second alcohol hit my gut and i found heroin managed the symptoms amazingly. i went a short while doing all 3 but was still concerned about what the booze was doing to me. i found it easier not to drink or use benzos if i used dark so in my head it became this wonder drug that saved me from an early death. hahahahaha. then obviously having found heroin my life was perfect forever. well not quite it got bad very very quick and stayed that way a fucking long time.

Saw this with myself too, mixing stuff made my former relatively 'normal' relation to alcohol abusive pretty quick, made it a means to an end. How to get fucked up most effective? Hard liquor, empty stomach. No bueno for the body!

Man, it's sad to read about those addiction 'careers', cause I know how much pain and suffering is involved in that. If 'default' people would know, I think they wouldn't hate/discriminate so much. But perhaps they do and ignorance/prejudice is a (unconscious) way to evade feeling empathy, seeing onself in the other, which would mean feeling the sadness and pain also (to a degree) and maybe even recognize addictive pattern in themselfs as well. But egos fear that, naturally. Anyway, didn't plan to go off like that here.., will report when I jump in the waters of withdrawal again, hopefully doing it in one go then. Suffering is my guru (which is a darn stupid way to life, imo).

 

[Jabberwocky]

i think its different if you can keep it to one glass. i can't.

i was addicted to benzos for ages then added alcohol to the mix, it was starting to really damage my stomach cos i'd mostly drink on an empty stomach. it was starting to cause intense pain the second alcohol hit my gut and i found heroin managed the symptoms amazingly. i went a short while doing all 3 but was still concerned about what the booze was doing to me. i found it easier not to drink or use benzos if i used dark so in my head it became this wonder drug that saved me from an early death. hahahahaha. then obviously having found heroin my life was perfect forever. well not quite it got bad very very quick and stayed that way a fucking long time.

even before i got back to my parents for christmas the drinking was starting to really affect my stomach again. i was in so much pain that i had to drink half a bottle of peptac just to be able to drink the amount i 'needed to' so i know if i don't stop now i'll make the incurable damage to my digestive system a billion times worse.

i did nearly 2 years of no alcohol starting from when i went to rehab without missing it for the most part so i really don't know why i started drinking again.

did your parents never notice any of those patterns in you? my dad only noticed when my arm started to look like shit and of course it was too late
aye i have no problem with other substances only heroin, never been a drug person, i'm really not....
but i had a similar story to yours with fucking xanax (prescription of course), i became addicted to it and quickly used heroin to stop the horrible withdrawal, basically switched from one addiction to a much worse one like damn

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Thank you for the suggestions @chinup ! The fucked up part is I'm already doing all of that, except I haven't been running since the day before yesterday because of the ice/snow outside, and I'd totally forgot about borrowing my brother's guitar!! Thanks for reminding me of that! I am going to shoot him a message and hopefully he will be in a good mood, since if he's in a bad mood he would shut it down just because. Seriously though thanks for jogging my memory - I don't even know when I had mentioned that, so thank you for the reminder!! The messed up part is that my addict brain after reading your post thought that the sit around watching TV and drinking part sounded more appealing than all the productive activities I'm actually doing >_<

Well done on resisting alcohol! You're fucking killing it again chinup. If my Mum offered me a ready-made shot with a snowball in it over dinner, I doubt I could resist. I really think if you keep doing what you're doing - especially where you're reminding yourself of why you stopped drinking in the first place, the stomach problems, the lack of any other meaningful activity etc then you really can do this dry January, and I am certain it will have some positive impact on your outlook if you keep it going!

The mind is (almost) everything, I think. Basically what I'm doing now, (using in the evening again) ..not even caring enough to invest/suffer a couple of days or a week to get rid of the tolerance. I know I can do it and I would feel better after (and could call occasional use 'recreational' again), but I'm not building up sufficient motivation. What to do when you don't like that you don't care --> don't care about that either.


Saw this with myself too, mixing stuff made my former relatively 'normal' relation to alcohol abusive pretty quick, made it a means to an end. How to get fucked up most effective? Hard liquor, empty stomach. No bueno for the body!

Man, it's sad to read about those addiction 'careers', cause I know how much pain and suffering is involved in that. If 'default' people would know, I think they wouldn't hate/discriminate so much. But perhaps they do and ignorance/prejudice is a (unconscious) way to evade feeling empathy, seeing onself in the other, which would mean feeling the sadness and pain also (to a degree) and maybe even recognize addictive pattern in themselfs as well. But egos fear that, naturally. Anyway, didn't plan to go off like that here.., will report when I jump in the waters of withdrawal again, hopefully doing it in one go then. Suffering is my guru (which is a darn stupid way to life, imo).

I really think you're onto something there. I think "normal" people like to exaggerate the difference between them and the destitute, the down-and-outs, the drug addicts etc. so that they can reassure themselves that they're nothing like that and won't ever end up there. If they can convince themselves that the junkies they see at the methadone clinic and the homeless alcoholics are practically a different species to them then they don't have to worry about their own problems. It also is a convenient way to ignore people suffering - "that homeless guy would just spend the money on alcohol" is a convenient way to justify turning a blind eye to the suffering human beings in front of you.

When are you planning on trying to do WD again?? Do you have a plan in place??

 

[SunriseChampion]

The mind is (almost) everything, I think. Basically what I'm doing now, (using in the evening again) ..not even caring enough to invest/suffer a couple of days or a week to get rid of the tolerance. I know I can do it and I would feel better after (and could call occasional use 'recreational' again), but I'm not building up sufficient motivation. What to do when you don't like that you don't care --> don't care about that either.

I know that at my worst back in my meth days, I was aware of how badly it was affecting my life and was thus able to focus on not doing that to myself anymore.

Same with smoking. I just decided I would quit and so I did.

If you don't fully commit to it psychologically then I think it's close to impossible. At least I find so in my own life.

I've gone periods where my use of say alcohol just wasn't causing enough damage so I didn't care to stop binge drinking because there were no immediate repercussions.

The two habits I quit cold turkey, meth and smoking, I decided enough was enough and meant it and just stopped. I didn't have any withdrawals though, really....defo not from the meth and from the smoking I only felt constantly hungry for about three weeks which I just doused with water. Easy stuff.

I can imagine yours would be a lot more difficult so there's that part of it that I can't speak to because other than severe alcohol withdrawal on one occasion, I haven't really had the problem of withdrawal (well, a lot of binge drinking weekends had pretty harsh aftereffects, I guess but that one time was seizures and such).

 

[bongdong]

@SunriseChampion I totally agree, and also have done or examples in my life too. When I wrote I don't care, it was not entirely true, e.g. I care enough to not drink alcohol anymore. Pretty much the same scenario as you described, the consequences were suddenly obvious and devastating, no mocking around possible anymore. Had a stretch of over 2 years before, and then a nasty short burst of binging triggered by some event, and that was that. It's well over a year now again with zero ethanol and I don't even see myself as a non-drinker, just 'me'. Don't want it so sound like a critique (it's of course better than using and maybe just a transitional phase) but people who spend theirs lifes being non-drinkers, non-smokers or non-addicts in general, continuously struggling/fighting, have not resolved the core issue IMO, which is of course a HUGE one (and would surely blow up the conversation here). Folks that manage to pull it off that way nonetheless, bravo!

When are you planning on trying to do WD again?? Do you have a plan in place??

Actually I spent the end of 2019 and most of 2020 completely sober (which was a valuable experience after the years that preceded that), started occasional use in summer, not interested in having a tolerance. Then in fall, the n-th COVID lockdown etc. I quit giving a fuck and used continuously, and now of course having to pay for it. Done that quite a few time by now, so this cycle is not news.

Thing is I'm not really a fan of 'my own' life anymore since some events in the past and my egoic drive to do things, achieve, move along has almost dried up. But certain tasks are waiting for me in 2021 and I want at least get the monkey of my back and don't make things harder than necessary for me. So I wanted to get of for christmas actually, failed, and now it draged itself along, playing mind games. Suffering (in whatever form) needs to increase it seems, then I will do it. Since kratom is not really harmful to the body (which is great of course), I can't work that angle for my advantage here.

Maybe I do a 'substitution' with cannabis for a while, which I haven't used, gosh, perhaps 3-4 month now, to help change the habit. This is another thing I would recommend to anybody really: stop mixing substances (although I know that certain combinations have great appeal and are relatively save). But I know it's really just escapism what I do now and doesn't facilitate moving forward. But I have lost my intrinsic drive for most things anyway, so what the hell. Goal is not having a dependence, ..if there happens to be non-harmful substance use, so be it.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

@SunriseChampion I. Don't want it so sound like a critique (it's of course better than using and maybe just a transitional phase) but people who spend theirs lifes being non-drinkers, non-smokers or non-addicts in general, continuously struggling/fighting, have not resolved the core issue IMO, which is of course a HUGE one (and would surely blow up the conversation here). Folks that manage to pull it off that way nonetheless, bravo!

What do you mean by this? Are you talking about the phenomenon of "dry drunks" or the equivalents for drug addicts, the people with significant sober/clean time who are still dysfunctional and have to battle daily intense cravings? If that's the case, then I would agree but with a qualification. There is PAWs and I've read that the upper limit for the brain to physiologically recover from that can be up to 2 years. If a person with less than that time is still struggling, it may not necessarily be a sign of some deep psychological issue that needs to be resolved, but could just be the lengthy process of the brain rewiring after years of substance abuse. It's not necessarily the fault of the person since it's their biology, not their psychology. However, after that time, if it's still a "struggle", then I'd say then that you were correct - clearly some kind of underlying issues that need to be resolved.

That's one of the reasons I always was suspicious of 12-step groups. To see people with years sober, still regularly reliving the time of their life that they were addicted, still obsessing over their identity of "addict", who had little else going on in their lives - it just didn't seem healthy. If you are five years sober but still feel the need to delve deeply into their time as a heroin addict 3x a week & emphasize how easy it would be for them to relapse ("I could pick up tomorrow!") then it doesn't seem that they are "recovered". 12-step groups promise freedom from the obsession, but I've met many "long timers" who live the opposite of that. They seem just as obsessed with their addiction & drug of choice than active users. Doesn't seem like any way to live!

Did you losing your motivation & energy really precede your lapse? If it did, it sounds like it could have been an episode of depression? Perhaps trigger or at least exacerbated by the lockdown? You wouldn't have been the only one! How did you get through lockdown before you lost your motivation?

If I were you for now I'd suggest writing out a specific plan for when you plan on quitting/reducing/substituting your DOC. I know what it's like when you're using and you have a desire to quit, but you procrastinate making an actual plan, and then it never seems like the right day. It helps to have a day set in stone that you prepare for, else you could justify putting it off forever.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Day 25. I'm still a little under halfway from my last sober record of 52 days, but time is starting to go quicker, which I think is a positive sign. I also actually felt what passes for good this morning, which makes a HUGE change. Usually it takes me at least a couple of hours to get going in the morning and not feel negative, but it happened way quicker today which is another good sign. I hope everyone is doing well - still going strong with your resolutions??

 

[Jabberwocky]

Saw this with myself too, mixing stuff made my former relatively 'normal' relation to alcohol abusive pretty quick, made it a means to an end. How to get fucked up most effective? Hard liquor, empty stomach. No bueno for the body!

Man, it's sad to read about those addiction 'careers', cause I know how much pain and suffering is involved in that. If 'default' people would know, I think they wouldn't hate/discriminate so much. But perhaps they do and ignorance/prejudice is a (unconscious) way to evade feeling empathy, seeing onself in the other, which would mean feeling the sadness and pain also (to a degree) and maybe even recognize addictive pattern in themselfs as well. But egos fear that, naturally. Anyway, didn't plan to go off like that here.., will report when I jump in the waters of withdrawal again, hopefully doing it in one go then. Suffering is my guru (which is a darn stupid way to life, imo).

yeah, as soon as getting fucked up becomes your main priority, health goes down the drain straight away. it almost like all those people who say these things are bad for you are onto something!! i really hope you're able to get a hold on your using soon. though it is so difficult under lockdown with fuck all else to do.

i completely agree that if people knew what addiction is really like, and what sadness is usually lurking in the history of addicts, they would be more compassionate. i definitely agree that everyone has their vices

@strangeaeon my parents only noticed when i got super bad. i was living in different cities, one over an hour drive away and one 5 hours away, wehn i was really bad in my addiction. i was usually able to be just about straight when i saw them. exceptions being my 27th birthday when i'd not slept the night before and used a stupid amount of brown before my birthday dinner so i was nodding out in a nice restaurant. ditto 6 years later on my sisters 30th birthday meal except i was also an hour late, and i wasn't nodding out but my sister and mum were literally holding me upright. it was only when i got addicted to crack that i really couldn't hide it cos i was completely incapable of sticking to any plan to not be in too bad a state when i saw them.

i broke dry january again last night. i was so fucking tired after working hard all week on my job and on not drinking. worse than last time cos htough i was initially offered booze once i'd had some i decided to get drunk, which i failed but i certainly got a bit tipsy. it wasn't fun, i was necking my parents gin while they were in the other room and it made me paranoid, and my stomach is not good today as a result. still, 2 nights so far in january is a massive improvement- i'd be lucky to get 2 nights off drinking in 9 days before. plus the evenings of not drinking are getting MUCH easier.

so glad i'm going home tomorrow so i won't have booze in the house or be offered it. i hope i will be able to do the rest of january clean of all intoxicants.