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Recovery ⫸⫸ THE RECOVERY THREAD 2020 ⫷⫷

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Fuck heroin. It's not even good anymore. If I'm not trying to stay well anymore, what's the point? And I'm so tired of being lazy with nothing to look forward to except the next shot. Gonna get some exercise today and hike up this hill so I can enjoy this beautiful 70F (21C) degree day. Got this joint in my ear, headphones in, ready to go. Day 6! I choose life today.

Wouldn't mind popping a bar right now, but that's a slippery slope. Oh well. Don't have any anyway.
 
I want to be active again. And sometimes I can be.

I walked allot with my dog outside in the cold today. For exercise and other reasons.

I did it today and felt good and seemed to be okay. But that happens allot right before I get depressed and sedentary again.

Life seems like it can be a struggle. I am sorry for everyone else that has to.
 
@chinup
It's a long story, but after a month in rehab I went back out and kind of blew any opportunity I had of getting help. I'm staying on a friend's property way out in the boonies doing little construction projects here and there. Really just using the time to think. What got me here? I will probably do some therapy at some point, though I just lost my insurance so that might be a bit difficult. Good 'ol U.S. of A. I'm going to hit an in-person meeting this week, so looking forward to that. Been talking to a few old friends that are going through/have been through the same thing, so that helps to know I'm not so uniquely tragic, as much as I want to be. Just grateful for what little bit I got going right now because otherwise I'd be on the streets right now.
 
Nailed 3 months clean. Well, cleaner.
Cut the meth out entirely, slowed down on the opiates and weed loads and just drank. Like a fish 🤷🏻‍♀️

Scored a new job. That I LOVE.
Found a guy I actually like (rare) and delved into my first relationship, that wasn’t with an illicit substance, in 6 plus years.
Even socialised and stuff.

And then my alter ego returned.
That crazy bitch on my shoulder that just cannot deal with life going smoothly.
She HAS to fuck shit up.

In the following month, I got fucked up royally on a regular basis. Fucked some other dude for his opiate script and then broke up with the guy in shame. Finally, this weekend I got so fucked up I picked up a needle again, and ruined myself so bad that I couldn’t even make it to work yesterday or today.

Trying not to kick myself.
The guy forgave me and took me back, my boss thinks I’m isolating for Covid so I’m all good really.
But. The shame.
And the starting all over again.
It’s fucking hard work.
 
so question. if u was purposely to put myself through precipated withdrawl. would i be done detoxing?

if you only take 2mg of subutex opposed to 8. or even lower. would the PWs be less intense?
 
Not doing good at all rn.
Found something oblong that said 2171
and looked it up. Must be an old stamp. Was hard to find right off.
Now now feel so much better. It was real.

Gabapentin is making everything so very bad.
Headache a day and a half from the comedown from it from needing it more and causing a day and a half headache from a bad down.

When it wears off I just need opioid more and my brain is making sure of that one now.

Ha ha. We found it. Now I won't suffer and die of the worst possible stomach cramps so far ever.

I can't do this right now. I barely am making it through work right now. I called in one day but they said I had to go back.

Thank you Jesus for helping me find that misplaced opioid 325 5mg. This is all so very true. I took vicodin everyday for very many years. And I can't stop. Right now the gabapentin stops the withdrawal before it makes it worse.

My comfort meds, xanax also, turn into headaches unless I ha0ve what I need forever.

I refuse to drink. I am too sick right now. My stomach is murdered. I will drink if I can but usually smoke myself silly because I refuse to get sick even when I try to drink I just don't bother because I am lucky when I can actually get food down.

So I hate gabapentin so much but drinking would honestly be worse. Like a hobo in an alley with a bottle in a bag. A waste of time to even try to like alcohol. Ever.

It is depressing to feel like dying from horrible stomach cramps and alcohol will never stop that kind of pain.

So if I had energy I would try harder. But I really don't right now and I am worse than ever. I am not even looking forward to making it through the holidays.

Edible is a nice synergy as well. So yes, very very sad when sobriety hurts.

Right now anyway.
 
Owww @Hylight you sound really down. Can you get a proper medication review with a doctor you feel comfortable with?

Curtis I'm glad you're somewhere safe and hitting meetings. If there's any drugs services nearby that you can use to access counselling? Ime without psychological help its very easy to relapse as soon as you get back to your own place.

Meth novice try not to beat yourself up, it won't help. You got off lightly this time so focus on the positives, you still have your man and job. Keep working on yourself and don't use a blip to feed your addiction, though that bitch on your shoulder will want you to.
 
I have a second chance to quit now. Or at least I bought myself some time to fix my sick cramped up stomach. It was so bad.

I felt it coming on all night and into the next day. At work yet. And then so exhausting.

Then at night when I am trying so desperately to sleep everything off including a long low grade cluster headache. The REAL withdrawal hit hard.

I had said my almighty prayers to above. I want to be strong so I wasn't that strong.

My brain told me to go look. I wasn't going to make it. I was weak and it was late at night and cold.

I dug around and found a pill in a bottle with an older looking label that said alprazolam 0.25 lol. There was an oblong pill in it.

It had a stamp that said 2721. I thought it was
going to be a migraine medication or I didn't know what.

I looked it up and sure enough it was a 325 5mg hydrocodone. Jesus knows I couldn't have made it through another night like that.

Did it sublingual as soon as I realised I was saved. I still shook a little bit and tried some dabz when I was able.

I slept. Made it through. The severe cramping and shits stopped just like that. Great. That's worse than death sometimes. Well, while it's happening anyway.

Lol. I wanted to cry. But was too weak to anyway.

But had to put half of it, the pill, back for later. The little bit larger half. But not much.

I might want to right now but should probably wait till the stomach starts getting weak. Because I should add I still feel good right now. I can tell from the dab.

At first I thought that maybe it was the flu or something that I ate. But no. No food hurts that bad.

The gabapentin is making it worse. And now I have to go through this again. Sorry I vented. But I had to.

Thank you chin up. I love it when you write. It helps me to take the focus off of myself. <3 Thank you for all !


I am so exhausted. And I refuse to get tormented from Imodium anymore. It makes my shits get stuck. Round poop plug bombs of torture. No fucking way. No more. And what kind of life do I have to live now.

Where's my dignity. From the lord that helped me feel better once more. It hurt SO bad. God thank you.
 
So I started thinking the extreme withdrawals happening again, extended version, that lasted almost two whole days. . .

Yah. Were terrible. I'm fighting to get my life back. Well at least my old life. Oh yah. lol !

Anyway, I thought that it could possibly have been caused from too much caffeine.

I actually drank a whole rockstar the first time that I tried one. The second time I only could drink half of it. Maybe it was, that the withdrawal from that much caffiene was actually too much!

I used to not need redbulls and rockstars (Rock I will take. 😁) so I wouldn't have to mix my drugs. But I didn't need them either and at all. But I did use some nasal spray before going riding.

But c'mon. I really doubt it. Especially since I just drank a small redbull and feel fine.

But, it however does seem quite the coincidink that I get cluster headaches when I start messing around with other drugs, I know nothing about, when I am getting my pain f pill, hydrocodone withdrawl.

Or O p i o i d if thats how you wish to articulate it.

Oh yes, and bring on some coke, mushrooms, majic truffles. C'mon bring it. Oh it helps and nothing wrong at all with ANY types of organics as far as I can be concerned.

But I am totally fine with trying to get healthy again. And to be able to lift and ride ride again my mountain bike.

There! I said it ! I did 😁 ❗❗

It's the greatest traction in the world. Yes. Back Traction.

But fer now I'm lazy. And my brain hurts allot. Lol.

And I'm lazy. But I'm nott a loser. 😁

Oh. My ! I forgot my whole point.

Oh.

I myself. Me. Am down to the BARE minimum. Can you just maybe get the torment. I am down to the bare minimum. See what I go through.

It probably really IS an accomplishment.

I don't think anything of it one way or another.

However is definitely an accomplishment. I think so. Sure.

I used to take @ 60 to 80 mg's religiously but somedays only 30 or even 20 mg's. Most days just pending.

Peresently I thank God for my little 2.5mg's. Vicodin. to help me out. But still !!!

I didn't do any for a whole year except for comfort meds. Comfort meds that are are nothing but garbage and then struggled to defeat severe death threatening cluster headaches.

Well guess what cured - almost everything. Except the post acute syndomes.

My 2.5 mg's that I USE as CRUMBS. Lolol. How could you make something up like this. how.
rhymes with cow. ohh yeah wow.

And thank you for helping me with my struggles. Dear Jesus. Amen.

I have energy to write a bunch today because the lord saved me again yesterday when I humbled and prayed.

I still need my energy. But damn can sure be more mobile and do things quite alot better now than two years ago. Buy anyway. .

The End. But I highly doubt it.
 
Well. So far today I didn't take any hdrocodone. And I feel like I am doing really great right now. Don't even want another dose yet tonight and most likely won't need one. I think the gabapentin is just way too strong compared to the natural ingredients power of the poppy.

The gabapentin trip I am sure is something that I haven't figured out yet. But it did help my muscle endurance and kept my energy level going a little. But I don't want to mess with that stuff ( gabapentin) after it gave me tremors too for the need for craving an opioid dose for relief more relief to put an end to that withdrawal type of sickness and that kind of trauma. 2

That was vicious. I thank God almighty that
i didn't have to know what it would have been like if I didn't find that last opioid just sitting around. I am sure if I did any less of a dose of it that I use, that imodium would actually be way stronger. But, just don't know.

But I know that I am babbling because I am traumatized. But dayamn. I don't even take more than 5mg's when I do, actually take hits. I am convinced that the opioid is actually the one that had to help me off of the gabapentin !

That shit is way too scary. But yes there are times when I stressed my shoulder out too much and I was in so much pain if there was one ( a gabapentin) sitting around I definitely would have taken it. However, now. No. never never never.

Sorry if I am annoying and depressing. Wow. And I bet I am even still high from it. Gabapentin. That stuff gets me stoned.

And I am just glad my brain feels alright now. That day and a half cluster headache was on the borderline of getting worse. But just mostly allot of bad nausea. But I could understand if it was possible to die if the pain of the headache got any worse. I just don't want to ever go through that. Ever. Not even once. It's dumb.

Poppies are naturally wonderful. And I just wish I could chew on some cocoa leaf once in a while, too for sure !

Gabapentin made my brain hurt too much. Or maybe something did. I write allot but right now I guess are traumatic times.

Omg. I don't think that I could have gotten out of bed and had a normal day doing things if I didn't have the opioid to help me adjust.

And to help me through. The ice pack and aspirins and even naproxen just weren't helping. A potentially devastatingly debilitating and damaging cluster headache relief from, yes, an opioid.

I love poppie plants. They are a gift from God and for perfect optimum receptor compatibilities. And a medicinal aid for me also.

Remember. Use responsibly. Or choose to use, but not abuse. Or don't abuse and not even use. We are stronger than we think we are. At times anyway. I am just so happy that I feel better. I think I'm just happy !! <3
 
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@Hylight - good job on using the minimum amount of hydrocodone! That takes self-control and is an achievement in itself. What's going on with the other drugs - gabapentin etc? Are you using it sparingly or regularly? I find gabapentin to be one of the most underrated drugs I've ever done. I love the high it can give me, but unfortunately taking heroin & crack can suddenly seem like a wonderful idea once I've reached the peak of the gabapentin high, so it's hard for me to enjoy it for what it is. I also went overboard on it when I took it back in September to try and cope with PAWs, and ended up taking insane amounts every day for like a week until I had a bad day and broke and did heroin & crack instead, so I'm staying away from it & all other substances except caffeine, nicotine & buprenorphine for the time being.

My head is starting to feel clearer. I can't wait till I get back to sleeping easily though - been having some insomnia. Nothing major, but I find I have to be awake for 18 hours before I'm tired enough to sleep, which sucks because I need 8 hours of sleep to feel fully rested AND I'm trying to wake up earlier each day to get the most daylight I can. I know that it will go back to normal as long as I keep up the sobriety, and I keep reminding myself of where I'm at - I'm only on day 6, so of course not all my issues are going to be solved yet! Progress, not perfection as NA says.
 
1 is too many and 1,000 is never enough.

This is my favorite NA saying.

It's right on - i'm never satisfied anymore with stimulants. And with opioids? Never even got the trend.

Sick and tired of being broke.

Finally have some cash built up.

Feels good to be a mere pot head. It really reduces cravings.
 
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