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Recovery ⫸⫸ THE RECOVERY THREAD 2020 ⫷⫷

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Hylight said:
i'm so depressed and i seem to be sleeping so much, and especially lately.
well at least when i am sleeping i'm not taking any drugs.
i seem to always be sleeping or for some reason trying to sleep.
I think sometimes drugs are the only way to get energy but it shouldn't have to be..
Click to expand...

I know this feeling. Unless working I'm often drained. It's a lack of psychic energy or inability to deal with life or people but I find this gets better with a continually renewed sense of purpose, which generally comes when I am in tune with my mind and body and staying on top of clearing negative energies.
 
yes, that works it will definitely help,as well.
i just noticed that when the damaged part of my brain takes over it is still remaining stable.
it usually takes something physical to snap me out of it but the bad thing is that i still need allot of rest and once i am down the sick part of my brain takes over so fast.
at least now it doesn't hurt half as bad now when i have to get up and do what is necessary, at times.
however, i am still dealing with my chronic pain and inflammation. changing my diet can really help allot too however, then i have to get up and cook amd my brain says NO WAY. ☹.

the other day when i did take an opioid i got up and existed like life had never stopped and i picked up right where i was feeling well and functioning in a comfortable and productive state of being where i was able to do everything that i was trying to at the time.

right now i do feel like i am going to die or maybe i actually might be dying right now. it is very difficult to tell at this point that i feel so bad.

stay strong however. If you do have enough strength to get through this then YOU CAN 👍🏼.
 
omg, i feel like i am dying a slow painful death.
maybe the crv19 will take me out fast.
but. . . i still keep trying and wanting to have a better life everyday. and then it did improve alot.
i have to make things better so
i CAN quit feeling like s#!t. again. thank you for being a site that can help out and support.
so i just want to feel better and survive through all of this too.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
can i please have some of your sleep

you can have some of my energy :(
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i think it was because i had taken a cetirizine and had forgot that i took it. so i think it made me tired for a day and a half until i took 5mg opioid.
it was such a nice day. i got productive and didn't eat a bunch of sugar.it's a rough crash from too much sugar, and is pretty awful.
 
my head hurts so bad. ot might be in the brain itself. hurt.
so i am thinking maybe a brain tumor.
maybe it might not be too much longer and will know soon enough

i want to donate and change my name.
yep and i kepp nodding out.

i am trying to stay comfortable. i have a therapy dog.
i try to,make sure she has a good day every day ♡.

warm love and support from her always. one of the greatest gifts of all. a kewl shelter puppy. 💗
 
i hope your head feels better hylight..

urgh i think i might actually relapse. every time i walk to and from work its like running a gauntlet. at home and at work i'm a lot better cos i have distractions i guess. still not feeling great. been trying to put my energies into trying to lose weight, and have actually succesfully changed my diet in what i think is a sustainable rather than unhealthy way.

been trying to focus on the dark times. like the time i left a flat an hour before someone was murdered there. and when my friend robbed a dealer and got stabbed multiple times and turned up at my door and all i cared about was if he'd left a blood trail leading directly to me, and then how gross clotting blood is when its just on the ground. and just how much i hated myself the whole time. i dunno why i am prepared to risk ending up like that again. i really thought focusing on my diet would help, even though i knew i was playing with fire it felt like a better option. it did help for a week.

somni its good to hear you're doing good and getting your head down working. i'm really impressed by how well you've pulled yourself up.
 
chinup said:
i hope your head feels better hylight..
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stay strong. I can tell you are really focused.

diet is supposed to really help. it seems like if you keep up with it as much as possible the effort seems to make it worth sticking with it each time to get stronger and to stay there.

at least appreciate all of the good times that you are staying strong ! ♡

stay strong freind always. hylight.
 
I'm officially done with drugs including alcohol not that any of you care i'm just stating facts. well hopefully when the catt teach come over and whatch me take my meds then it's back to chandler to see whether i have to take the depot or not. i hate fucking antipsychotics theyve fuck my brain memory wise to the mac it takes me about 5 minutes to figure out what to do. it's called rispiredone its actually fucked my memory hardcore like a g..........then im a move into hotel where they can't find me and they dont know this post is by me so they can go to hell. well i, officially done with drugs if some people dont message then ill stop. so far no one has messaged me so all looks good:D
 
You can all moniter me to see if i take drugs anyway so jamal will have to find a way to quit i'm seen everywhere..well there is somewhere i can go but specified will see if jamal will be about to see\\
PLUR just popped 300mg and im rollllllllllllllin baby PLUR
 
Thank you @chinup.. Relapsing is a frightening prospect. Usually my cravings are brought about by stressors, whether immediately obvious or of the chronic, under lying type. Are there any areas of your life that are major sources of stress or dissapointment? Work, social life, self esteem, relationships or need for recreation? I am highly sucspetable to body discomfort that is a reflection of my self esteem and constant lack of a love life, even though this has rather been a matter of choice as I have chosen to work on myself.

Are you still doing NA? I haven't been going lately and have mostly avoided my sponsors calls as I was beginning to get very depressed by the process of my life being consumed by work and meetings. I honestly don't know if ultimately having my addiction replaced by the entire NA lifestyle would keep me sober. I was beginning to get those same old feelings that I had gotten in the program before and realized how dissatisfied I was and had been in the past with the program lifestyle and I realized that my using had been a choice every time and every time it happened, while being absorbed in the program lifestyle. I don't know? I wish I knew the answer. Not blaming NA. I just know I want to explore something else. It just doesn't seem to be the answer. I would still like to attend meetings every now and then.

I hope everyone has a good day. I hope you feel better @Hylight. Congrats @Captain.Heroin on cutting out benzos and the serious progress in cutting down the cannabis addiction. @cj... Thinking about ya bub.

I love all you guys and it scares me to think about the prospect and reality of any of your relapses because I have been motivated at different times by all of you and ultimately the reality of being an addict means relapse could be a very real reality for any of us and this means me. The thought of being caught in the drain as everything is spiraling down gives my stomach a churn.
My last few recovery attempts and relapse experiences make me realize that if I totally torch and destroy everything again I don't know when if ever I would get the strength to pull myself back out again.. No...not today and I hope this can be the reality for all of you whether your contemplating a relapse or caught in the storm and just need the strength to take that crucial step. Stay strong my brothers and sisters...❤
 
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THECATINTHEHAT said:
Last couple of weeks has been a bit of a mess. Feel pretty physically and mentally fucked, hopefully feel a bit fresher tomorrow.

I'm back to one day at a time, but I can do that.
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I am so glad I am not still caught up in the cycle of lather, rinse, repeat. Those constant days ones start to feel so defeating. I hope I never have to repeat the process. Using opiates is just not an option for me. The cost for "just once" are too great. Chilling with an afternoon kava cup.
 
I used opiates only twice in the space of about five years, with a handful of cocaine use (but not much) dotted around that five years of what was 99% clean time.

The last three months have been a total clusterfuck, used LOADS of crack and opiates/benzos a handful of times. Like you say that 'day one' feeling is really shit. For now I want to just get back to trying to make positive progress but I feel physically and mentally wrecked at the moment so just got to take it easy.

Things could be worse, I have somewhere to live and some money and some people who care about me and that's more than many have.
 
@somnilicious thanks so much for your really touching post. right now work is a massive stress, and money, since i had to take over the full cost of my house when my housemate moved out. and i'm fed up with being fat, well fatter than i've ever been. not sleeping well for months is not helping.

i got through the day clean and took some proactive action and left work early to go to a meditation class. i felt like my brain wouldn't settle but it did calm me a bit then i got some nice food to have a decent dinner cos i've not been eating actual meals recently.

i'm still going to NA but mostly just once a week. you definitely get to the point where you want to actually have a life. plus for me right now the kitten needs so much attention i am stuck at home a lot, so less meetings. i haven't done any step work in nearly a year and feel fundamentally stuck at step 3. i feel like the courses i'm doing at the buddhist centre serve a similar purpose but i don't have to do any mental contortions there. so i can't blame you for wanting to explore something else cos thats exactly what i am doing!!

i honestly thought a few months back i'd never use again. that i'd 'escaped.' part of me feels guilty about giving people on here hope cos i just feel like i'm almost certainly gonna relapse in some sense, hopefully just a lapse, and have no idea how to stop myself heading that way.
 
Don't miss
out on
something
that could
be great just
because it
could also
be difficult.

It's
about how
you stand up
and move
forward.

You never fail
until You
stop trying.

Live
every day
with
intention.

You will
do this.
 
Just saw an old post of mine and it looks like my last relapse was Jan 28 at 12 days clean and in that post I mention only having used 6 or 7 times in Jan. I can't believe it's been over a month since that lapse. I don't know that I have ever made it this far without maintenance or going into sober living. It feels good because I really fucking wanted to get clean this time. I was honestly dead set on kicking opiates and just thinking about them sickens me. I had to go through a year of hell to get here so I know the consequences of a relapse. Hope everyone is doing ok...

@chinup... Never feel guilty. I probably wouldn't be where I am today without your support. Everyone's story is different and though I would never recommend a relapse sometimes it might be what we needed to let go of that last bit of romanticism... That being said, please avoid at all costs. There are easier ways to learn the lesson. Have you ever taken a meeting into a detox facility? It's a great way to remind yourself of the consequences. Keeping you in my thoughts.
 
I've read through the past couple pages of this thread, and it's really helped me. I love this forum, it's so supportive & such a great resource. Just reading through the experiences of other people who are in a similar boat to me is always a gigantic help. My addiction loves for me to feel isolated, alone & uniquely troubled as then I'm more tempted to relapse, so having threads like this in subforums like this where I can go to remind myself that we're all in this together and that I'm not the only one going through this is awesome. I'm 4 days clean today and have finally had a somewhat productive day - cleaned my flat, did a load of washing & am about to update my journal. I feel really committed to sobriety again and am ready to break my previous record of 52 days and surpass my self-imposed limitations that have kept me stagnating in my comfort zone and then turning to drugs to deal with the situation - the very same situation & life problems that are caused solely by using drugs in the first place! It's insanity and it's time to break this cycle. Sure, going from 52 days to now just 4 is disappointing, but I'm already a damn sight further along than I was 3 days ago, and I know that progress will only continue.
 
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