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I'm Frightened I'm Fucked I'm Soulless

Something else that may help... mindfulness meditation. I had to speak to this counsellor before the doc would prescribe the bupe, and she put me onto this Jon Kabat-Zinn Minfulness for beginners CD (basically the meditation that buddhists do) and that has helped me.

I woke up with a migraine this morning and the imigran (sumatriptan) didn't stop it. I sent a text to a friend who I knew was holding but he never got back to me (luckily). After a couple of hours of agony I put on the mindfulness CD and about half an hour into it the pain had gone. Shortest migraine I've ever had.

I also have an addictive personality... After the detox, I went through 50x 5mg valium in less than a week, replaced opiates with (more) alcohol, etc. So last week I decided to completely detox: I've quit drinking, junk food, even soft drinks.

I hope you find some relief from your depression. You've gotten a lot of praise in this thread, and although I know from personal experience that can sometimes make you feel even worse, it's well deserved (the praise, not the feeling worse :)).

My thoughts are with you, and maybe you can take heart knowing others like me are being helped by your words.
 
Gnov3s3- Sharlene is gone forever. The ship is sailed, she's married to somebody else.

Funkinraven- Thank You, I appreciate it.

Rosencavelier- I hope things are still going well in your recovery. One day at a time is such a cliche, but in these struggles it's accurate. Good Luck.

I haven't been feeling very well the last while mentally, thus the lack of activity on my part. The Celexa isn't working the way I had hoped. I find myself trying to fake my way through social interaction pretending I'm feeling top notch. That in itself is a real chore. The fitness regime is continuing. I beat my body up five days a week with hard and intense workouts. I find that the endorphins from exercise temporarily lift the black cloud. I'm convinced I seriously compromised my seratonin levels with the years of painkiller abuse. I admit I feel like a lost soul much of the time but soldier on.

I'm trying like hell not to take too much Ativan. I've taken it 4 out of the last 5 days. Tonight I took 2,400 mg of Neurontin to try and ward off my craving for it. I often wonder why DR's prescribe benzos as I think they're one of the hardest withdrawals around.
 
It's been a long time since I checked in. Unfortunately I can't say I have good news. I've let the pressure in my life get the best of me and in turn have hit the ground hard. Been doing a lot of oxy along with smoking weed. At times it seems like the power is too strong for me to quit. I'm currently taking celexa for depression but it doesn't seem to be effective. I really have to get my life together, I'm doing impulsive shit I never should. Sorry I'm rambling, feel incredibly lost right now.
 
Look up drug treatment in ur area. It's best to be in a safe place surrounded by other recovering addicts and a treatment center will give u that. Your not alone.
 
come on man you can do it. It sucks but you really have to concentrate and motivate yourself to stop taking them. Go to a detox for a few days and then get prescribed something to help with the cravings. You know it's what you gotta do, the more you wait the more it gets worse. Good luck with everything!
 
Thanks guys. I went to the DR last Wednesday and he put me on Subutex. So far it's working and I haven't had the craving to chase any oxy. Also doing a lot of running and weightlifting which seems to help as well. Hope everyone is doing fine, this board has been invaluable to me with advice and support.
 
Downwardplane said:
Thanks guys. I went to the DR last Wednesday and he put me on Subutex. So far it's working and I haven't had the craving to chase any oxy. Also doing a lot of running and weightlifting which seems to help as well. Hope everyone is doing fine, this board has been invaluable to me with advice and support.
Click to expand...

stick with the subs and regain the structures in your life that you lost before. have you got a job? if not get one now:)

leave the benzo's alone if you cannot leave them to two or three nights a week max
 
I haven't been a very good bluelighter as I've drifted away the last while. It's been an eventful few months to say the least. In March I relapsed and went on a two week oxy binge essentially not leaving my apartment and cutting myself off like a hermit. Pathetic and destructive behavior to be sure. Then the withdrawals came in waves. The chills, hot, cold, vomiting,clammy and no appetite. In the midst of the misery I finally found clarity. Almost like I was outside looking at the worthless fiend hunched over the toilet. Most of my youth pissed away on oxy. Chasing it, thinking about it, wanting it, doing it and spending money I didn't have. Always my dirty little secret except for a select few. I was finally done, ready to grow up and be a man. Taking responsibility. My clean date is April 14th, 2011. I know the thoughts will never go away but I detest them now with all my might.

My main focus is helping others. I attend NA meetings four days a week. I hope in time I won't need them but presently it's a nice crutch to grab on to. The guilt and shame is still there, it should be. I've been fucking up in cycles for a long time. Which is ironic because I'm a personal trainer who helps people get in shape and lead a healthy lifestyle. I wonder how you guys keep the cravings away? I'm doing well, not even taking a drink right now. I'm really committed and hope this is the path to great things and happiness in my life. I'm currently on 40 mg of celexa which is really helping. I know my addiction started because of self medicating for depression. I thought as a man it was weak to seek help for it. Through a mix of maturity and desperation I know that's not the case anymore. I hope those that are struggling know that things can change. For so long I didn't believe it but fuck I love the sunshine now.
 
I read this thread from beginning to end. You strike me as a pretty intelligent chap. It takes a different kind of person to kick serious drugs such as opiates. It's much easier to relapse again and again, accepting the notion that it's "understandable" to do so and that it's only a necessary part of the process of getting over addiction. Actually, if you want to rise above, you're going to have to show courage that you're different. It's not hard to become a drug addict. You portray yourself as having lost the respect of a lot of people. At the end of the day, those people are right. You ARE a drug addict, until you can fight off that moniker.

Ever since I've been through a serious amphetamine addiction (still not comparable to opiates, but with similarities nonetheless), I realized that the world of an addict is very insular and petty. I didn't think it at the time, but in retrospect, I would never go through that kind of addiction again. I have too much pride. I know that people are out there doing real shit, making real accomplishments, living productive lives. In contrast, a drug addict's life is consumed by self-pity, grief, and other destructive emotions/behaviors. The best drug addict isn't even better than a marginal sober person, because his life is immersed in fakeness.

You need to have some self-respect. Grow up, you're too old for this. That said, it's VERY HARD to quit without a reason. You need to reconcile with your parents, and they need to support you. In this world all you have is family, especially your parents. If you don't even have that, then you're already facing long odds. In addition, try to develop some deeper meaning on life; otherwise, in the end, it all really means nothing. That's where you end up in situations where there's no will to do or persevere.
 
Snarky91 said:
I read this thread from beginning to end. You strike me as a pretty intelligent chap. It takes a different kind of person to kick serious drugs such as opiates. It's much easier to relapse again and again, accepting the notion that it's "understandable" to do so and that it's only a necessary part of the process of getting over addiction. Actually, if you want to rise above, you're going to have to show courage that you're different. It's not hard to become a drug addict. You portray yourself as having lost the respect of a lot of people. At the end of the day, those people are right. You ARE a drug addict, until you can fight off that moniker.

Ever since I've been through a serious amphetamine addiction (still not comparable to opiates, but with similarities nonetheless), I realized that the world of an addict is very insular and petty. I didn't think it at the time, but in retrospect, I would never go through that kind of addiction again. I have too much pride. I know that people are out there doing real shit, making real accomplishments, living productive lives. In contrast, a drug addict's life is consumed by self-pity, grief, and other destructive emotions/behaviors. The best drug addict isn't even better than a marginal sober person, because his life is immersed in fakeness.

You need to have some self-respect. Grow up, you're too old for this. That said, it's VERY HARD to quit without a reason. You need to reconcile with your parents, and they need to support you. In this world all you have is family, especially your parents. If you don't even have that, then you're already facing long odds. In addition, try to develop some deeper meaning on life; otherwise, in the end, it all really means nothing. That's where you end up in situations where there's no will to do or persevere.
Click to expand...



Snarky a really insightful post and completely accurate. It's a matter of growing up and forcing yourself to not settle for mediocrity anymore. Easier said than done some days. From what you said I can tell you're in a good place emotionally. I've found that when things begin to have a toilet bowl effect in my life that I want to use again. I'm not sure when those feelings will subside, but it's definitely a continuous struggle in my head. What it boils down to is inner strength and wanting to do and be better. I wish I could be a weekend warrior but that's not realistic. I was a full speed ahead binger so it's tow the line and be strong.
 
Man what a perilous journey... I've been following this thread since the beginning and I feel it gives an accurate picture of what a person just starting out "experimenting"has to look forward to.

I hope you will continue to update this thread as the years pass. Good luck and stay strong... Hope should give your strength in your darker hours.

I've never fallen victim to opiate addiction but from an outsider looking in it appears that one word sums opiate addiction up: UNFORGIVING.

Fuck, it makes you pay..... Stay away kids
 
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Happy Birthday,Jay...May it be filled will nothing but peace,love and joy!!!

Jay~
I just read your entire thread. You are an amazing and beautiful soul. There are so many things that I would like to say to you-words typed on a computer screen that somehow find a way into your heart,weaving themselves into your soul,saturating the doubts in your mind-wrapping you in a protective cocoon where you are hugged by the words that so many have taken the time to share with you here. Rest assured that you are most definitely amongst kindred spirits. So many of us,like you,are cut from the same cloth. On this day,live life to the fullest-keeping that cocoon around you,not to protect you,but to REMIND YOU...
YOU ARE LOVED!!! <3
How I wish I had come across your journey before today, but life is not so much about what we want as it is about what we do with the cards we are dealt. So I must hold on to that,hoping that you will as well. For if there is a truth in this life that I have learned as I have traveled down my path,almost parallel to yours, it is this...
THIS TOO SHALL PASS.... Everything does,my friend. In this life,the only thing that stays the same is change. You have shown us that,shared that truth with us through your openness and honesty and your amazing ability to roll with the punches-not just in life-which let me reiterate-is amazing!!!<3 But also in the way that you take in every word from every soul who has loved you enough to share something with you here-even if some of those words did not carry the same ebb and flow as others-you still stood strong and never once wavered. For that alone you should be proud-I know that I am.The things you have not given way to,the things that may resurface and try to bring you down but you refuse to give in and you get up off the ground,dust yourself off and proceed on your journey...those are the things that lovers of live are made of-those who truly want to life and take in all that life has to offer. Not all of it is good,in fact much of it can get you down,but your will to survive is matched only by a very few souls I have met along my journey-myself being one of them. However, that is a story for another day :)
Life's inexorable pains that you have endured,overcome and are still struggling against are what make you the incredible soul that you were meant to be...JAY! Thank you for who you are-for simply being you-for giving of yourself so freely. I promise you-it will be payed forward. :D
But on this day, October 24th...Your Birthday...HAPPY BIRTHDAY,SWEETIE!!! I just so happened along your story-such sad,yet serendipitous inspiration juxtaposed with sympathy and heartache...I have been where you have been,perhaps not exactly,but in body,mind and spirit. Your words,your life...they have great meaning and you hold steadfast to that when those dark and ominous clouds greet you on the darkest,most difficult days. You must remember the lives you have touched here-no doubt the lives you have touched in NA-and most importantly,the love that is flowing freely in your direction,because people believe in you-so many people love you. And this love, it knows no boundaries, nor has it the capacity to cease regardless of whether or not you check in with us here(and I sincerely hope you will). The love that you have unleashed- just here,on this one site in cyber space- will sustain you and support you forever. All you have to do is let it. I feel it is no coincidence that I found you here on your Birthday of all days,for I believe "no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should".
Having shared that quote with you,I would like to share the source of those words that have helped me find the light breaking through the most severe of storms that birth the blackest clouds on the most tumultuous of days. As I post these meager lines,I am sending loving,peaceful,healing energy your way and am asking the universe, in the name of all that is good and true,that you return to us soon and update us on your life so that we can continue to support you and help you find your way,as well as rejoice in the fact that you are very much alive and kicking-never giving up the good fight. You have more friends here than you can fathom and each of us is willing to stand next to you and fight the good fight with you! <3
Be safe and Stay safe...
Please take a moment and read the following poem....

Much Peace and Love.......................................skillz <3 =D <3




Desiderata ~by: Max Ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.
 
Downwardplane, this is an amazing thread to read from beginning to middle (hoping this isn't the end because you have a lot of positive experience and a great way of expressing yourself):) Hope you have a truly happy birthday and take one private moment to find a mirror, look yourself in the eye and congratulate yourself on your transformation.<3

And, Skillz--thank you for bumping this. You are an angel<3
 
wow good post. it was clear, right to the point, and i can definitely relate to it!

i too got addicted to painkillers -first perks, vicoden, then oxycontin, methadone, morphine, fentanyl, etc etc. i used anything and everything. my main love was oxycontin though. when it got too expensive, and i wasnt gettin high from oc 80s anymore, it was onto heroin. long story short, i used for 7 years. im 25 yr old female. been on suboxone for 2+ years. TODAY, i am clean from opiates, benzos, and uppers. i only take my sub and smoke weed these days. i go to AA/NA meetings every now and then. i lost alot of things when i was using...i went to jail, i overdosed, i went to the psych ward. im done. i tell myself, just for today, i dont want to use. its just not worth it anymore.

anyway, thanks for sharing. so youre on subs now?how are you liking them so far? congrats on the clean date and going to meetings...i just tell people, whatever works for YOU.
 
skillz~4~thrillz said:
Jay~
I just read your entire thread. You are an amazing and beautiful soul. There are so many things that I would like to say to you-words typed on a computer screen that somehow find a way into your heart,weaving themselves into your soul,saturating the doubts in your mind-wrapping you in a protective cocoon where you are hugged by the words that so many have taken the time to share with you here. Rest assured that you are most definitely amongst kindred spirits. So many of us,like you,are cut from the same cloth. On this day,live life to the fullest-keeping that cocoon around you,not to protect you,but to REMIND YOU...
YOU ARE LOVED!!! <3
How I wish I had come across your journey before today, but life is not so much about what we want as it is about what we do with the cards we are dealt. So I must hold on to that,hoping that you will as well. For if there is a truth in this life that I have learned as I have traveled down my path,almost parallel to yours, it is this...
THIS TOO SHALL PASS.... Everything does,my friend. In this life,the only thing that stays the same is change. You have shown us that,shared that truth with us through your openness and honesty and your amazing ability to roll with the punches-not just in life-which let me reiterate-is amazing!!!<3 But also in the way that you take in every word from every soul who has loved you enough to share something with you here-even if some of those words did not carry the same ebb and flow as others-you still stood strong and never once wavered. For that alone you should be proud-I know that I am.The things you have not given way to,the things that may resurface and try to bring you down but you refuse to give in and you get up off the ground,dust yourself off and proceed on your journey...those are the things that lovers of live are made of-those who truly want to life and take in all that life has to offer. Not all of it is good,in fact much of it can get you down,but your will to survive is matched only by a very few souls I have met along my journey-myself being one of them. However, that is a story for another day :)
Life's inexorable pains that you have endured,overcome and are still struggling against are what make you the incredible soul that you were meant to be...JAY! Thank you for who you are-for simply being you-for giving of yourself so freely. I promise you-it will be payed forward. :D
But on this day, October 24th...Your Birthday...HAPPY BIRTHDAY,SWEETIE!!! I just so happened along your story-such sad,yet serendipitous inspiration juxtaposed with sympathy and heartache...I have been where you have been,perhaps not exactly,but in body,mind and spirit. Your words,your life...they have great meaning and you hold steadfast to that when those dark and ominous clouds greet you on the darkest,most difficult days. You must remember the lives you have touched here-no doubt the lives you have touched in NA-and most importantly,the love that is flowing freely in your direction,because people believe in you-so many people love you. And this love, it knows no boundaries, nor has it the capacity to cease regardless of whether or not you check in with us here(and I sincerely hope you will). The love that you have unleashed- just here,on this one site in cyber space- will sustain you and support you forever. All you have to do is let it. I feel it is no coincidence that I found you here on your Birthday of all days,for I believe "no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should".
Having shared that quote with you,I would like to share the source of those words that have helped me find the light breaking through the most severe of storms that birth the blackest clouds on the most tumultuous of days. As I post these meager lines,I am sending loving,peaceful,healing energy your way and am asking the universe, in the name of all that is good and true,that you return to us soon and update us on your life so that we can continue to support you and help you find your way,as well as rejoice in the fact that you are very much alive and kicking-never giving up the good fight. You have more friends here than you can fathom and each of us is willing to stand next to you and fight the good fight with you! <3
Be safe and Stay safe...
Please take a moment and read the following poem....

Much Peace and Love.......................................skillz <3 =D <3




Desiderata ~by: Max Ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.
Click to expand...

Skillz thank you so much. You put a lot of thought and love into that piece and it's very evident. Bluelight is a wonderful site with so many diverse and cool people. As I've stated many times, this place was always here for me whether my life was swimming in a downward spiral or if good fortune was shinning on top of my head. For that I will always be thankful to the community. Thanks for the birthday wishes. I wish I could say it was an eventful,joyus occasion but it was quite mundane. I'm in the midst of cutting weight for a natural (non steroid) bodybuilding competition that I will be participating in, in November. It's a sport that keeps my mind and body active and the demons pushed way down deep. I hope all is well with you, really enjoyed the poem.
 
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