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I'm Frightened I'm Fucked I'm Soulless

I started reading all of the replies and posts on this thread and could not stop. I am only 15 years old right now and I feel like if I can learn from the mistakes or see the consequences of some of the things people write about, maybe I can prevent future conflict in my life. Although I have already faced drug-related conflict, it hasn't been too bad. (besides a DXM overdose)

But back to the point, this thread had been extremely inspirational and emotional and I read it with a lot of understanding and I really wish for the best for you. Good luck in dealing with the every day fight of addiction. Keep up with the meetings and keep taking positive steps, no one is perfect and there is no sense in beating your self up over mistakes you have made.. They will do no good in preventing further mistakes.
 
see my last post, jay!
ur doing it again!
i repeat - there is much less wrong in relapsing (sure its not ideal but its all part of it) than there is in beating urself up over it!

dont feel guilty and ashamed
just keep doing watever works best for u in order to stay clean and stick with it

so ur still using, so wat?
its not the end of the world

as a frequent relapser maybe u cud look into suboxone? is there any way u cud start taking regular doses of subs? i find it was, in the end, the real saviour for me
if NA over there is anything like over here, u wont b able to speak at meetings while taking suboxone but i imagine theyre not letting u speak atm anyway?

ah well, just remember, as long as ur fighting against the drug ur doing the right thing, whether it beats u now and then or not

but im sure ppl at NA will back me up on this - u hav nothing to feel guilty and/or ashamed of <3
 
Jay your story is veryy inspirational, and seeing your post gives alot of people hope to get out of they're own addictions

dont beat yourself up over the relapses.. it happens.. just try and not fall back into the spiral.. you've come so far..
 
not really sure what to say other than ..WOW

Like dozens of peeps have already mentioned...your story is very inspirational. You have taken the steps to course-correct the path you started on. You are obviously an educated person and have a real talent for writing. Please please please do not EVER underestimate the power of words. You have that power..as evident by the dozens of complete strangers rooting for you and offering you heart-felt support.

Please do not beat yourself up further than the point in which it stops becoming a motivating factor. After reading every last post in this forum, starting from 8 months ago...as an outside observer...from what you have shared with us..you have made tremendous progress...seriously nothing short of amazing.

You are an inspiration to me and to many others..thank you for sharing and please stay strong brother. You are not alone.
 
Thanks to those that took the time to post in this thread and to send private messages my way. A kinship exists here that isn't prevalent anywhere else in my life. It's said that the road to misery is so often decorated with good intentions. This is where I'm me, without the wall securely protecting me from myself. My thoughts are expressed through word as it's the only way I can articulate what swims in the depths. Like a lot of us depression is at the root of it all. I can feel it's grip tightening around my neck. In turn my mind and it's weakness steer me towards self medicating. If it's to be it's up to me. That is how i'm living minute to minute the last while. White knuckling and willing myself to stay sober. Due to what many have told me in meetings and on this board, slips are a part of recovery. Those cravings won't full dissipate for years and i've come to accept it.

I've once again applied to go back to school. The more I work in this cubicle the more I know this isn't my lot in life. I've always believed that we have purpose, it's simply finding that area where you can give back to life and be content. May all your battles fade away and peace seep in.
 
Keepit Chill said:
I started reading all of the replies and posts on this thread and could not stop. I am only 15 years old right now and I feel like if I can learn from the mistakes or see the consequences of some of the things people write about, maybe I can prevent future conflict in my life. Although I have already faced drug-related conflict, it hasn't been too bad. (besides a DXM overdose)

But back to the point, this thread had been extremely inspirational and emotional and I read it with a lot of understanding and I really wish for the best for you. Good luck in dealing with the every day fight of addiction. Keep up with the meetings and keep taking positive steps, no one is perfect and there is no sense in beating your self up over mistakes you have made.. They will do no good in preventing further mistakes.
Click to expand...

do urself a favor and focus on the dark side on this site that will at the very least make you aware of the troubles so many have with "recreational drug use". life is tough enough as it is and in a lot of ways drugs will only make it tougher. sounds corny i know but if you dont believe me read on in the dark side.

another suggestion is to read a certain persons posting. being on this site for so many years i can list countless names that i would read their "drugs are awesome" beginning posts and over the years find their tales of fun and joy turn to desperation, loneliness, sadness and hopelessness. learn from others and you will do better than alright.

good luck
 
When I saw you that day, I was hooked. The way you smiled and laughed at my terrible jokes. What happened to you? Where did you go? You're frail now and at the mercy of it, so wrapped up you feel the walls closing in. Last time we met, I wanted to hug you and turn back time. Everything about you is detached and vacant. I lived it and you pushed me away. I miss you, I hope you're ok.
 
Jay, i'm glad your ok and out of the bad place you were in, your story was very touching and put tears in my eyes.

and sorry to hijack this thread, but Drug_wench, you've helped me out when i was in a bad place... and you've helped out so many other people (wich i was reminded of when reading this thread)
seriously, i love you so fucking much, and i wanted you to know that, because i appreciate everything you do/have done on here
your an awesome person.
:) <3<3
 
hey jay,
ive just read every single one of you posts.
well done on how far youve come.
i hope you can get over your relapse, and not hit the bottom again.
im gona keep checking back here and hopefully read about your full recovery over the next few months.
peace
 
As the holiday weekend approaches, I take stock in where I am and where I want to be. I've learned that the expectations I put on myself can sometimes be unrealistic and handcuff me. Growth as a human being is the ultimate goal, to be selfless and without ego in every decision that is made. I'm aware of the triggers now that spiral me down to the dirt. When shades cover my eyes and malaise creeps up, I crave self medication. It's how it's always been. I haven't used since my brief relapse in early 2009. Cluttering my mind with work, fitness and applying for graduate studies at various college's has kept the demon at bay. Weekends are the toughest, I always want to get obliterated. I never did drugs to get a buzz or drank to get a buzz, it's a means to an end. That end being absolute mind-numbing intoxication. For now I feel better than I have in a long time. Hope is all most of us can grasp, it can be a motivator when all else seems grim. Happy Passover or Easter to all my fellow bluelighters.
 
For those that sent me private messages, I apologize for not getting back sooner. I had a setback a full scale relapse. Oxy became my crutch again. I really hate myself for being such a weak man in this area. Because of this weakness I haven't attained most of what I've wanted out of this life. It's Friday 1:03 am and I'm wishing I had the courage to fully change. One thing that is abundantely clear is I no longer want to live this way. This is the breaking point and the end of the road. I have to decide whether I want to keep fighting or die. I think about the end a lot. I have nothing or no one. Life is empty and it's of my own doing. I don't have much hope right now. So much work to do to look myself in the eye again.
 
ooooh boy. i followed this thread since the beginning. you've seemed to have come a long way. you seemed to have the desire to quit and achieve something better for urself. you seemed as if this is not what you wanted to happen.

be strong. it is what you make of it. life is not ez and it is not supposed to be.

good luck if you choose to take the road less traveled.
 
The strangest thing about trying to get my life back on track is I don't know who I am. I admit I don't like who I see looking back at me in the mirror. The struggle is keeping my mind fresh and positive. Oxy and I have danced together so much. The comfort it gave me is replaced by sorrow. I hit the weights hard this week and resumed running three days a week.

I wish I had the resources to move and start anew. So many places here give me flashbacks to what could've been and what I am.
 
Hey, man weekends are shit. I cried a bunch of times reading your thread today. It made me realize just how depressed I've been. I haven't been addicted to anything (except weed a while back) and don't have a DOC (thank god) but I def know what it means to be the type of dude who uses for the express purpose of getting fucked up, who has disappointed/lied to mad amounts of people, who has been homeless, who keeps losing friends due to trust issues, who hates himself way too often, and who is achieving way less than I know and everyone assumes I can at my age and background.

Misery might love company, but I don't want to be in misery's fucking company. You've made progress, and you will make more progress. I want you to get better, even if I'm/You're just some pixels on a screen. Keep posting, I'm sure other people on here who've relapsed can help you out some.
 
really, the self hatred is the problem. you are able to intellectualize your use and the amounts aren't high... you need to fix your brain. why the low self esteem. where do you think that comes from?

you also need to shift the focus away from yourself. no matter how much you love it you should not isolate. connect with people, even if you have to fake it.

post back. stay connected.
 
Been a long time since I posted here. Like many of you, life issues occur and my participation lapses. I've always thought of Bluelight as a second home. People here have had the same trials and tribulations so a kinship has developed. When we last spoke I was in the midst of an Oxycontin relapse. I'm thankful to say that i've put Oxy behind me and have been clean from the drug since January 12th 2010. The cravings will never go away but I feel i've been able to distance myself somewhat. A big part of me being able to kick the drug was the self realization that I have an extrememly addictive personality with a long history of depression mixed in. While working out four to five days a week has helped I still felt a void. In May I made an appointment to see a DR regarding my depression that I had let go on for far too long. In hindsight the depression lead me to self medicate with alcohol and oxy regularily over the years. My DR prescribed me 20 mg's a day of Celexa along with 1 MG of Ativan in the evenings to help with sleep as needed.

Now for my problem. I've been taking the Ativan daily since May 2nd, in a dose of 2MG's instead of the prescribed 1MG dose. I know that benzo withdrawal is the worst there is. My question is the dose of 2 MG's small enough that I can quit them cold turkey after a month and a half or should I do a small taper?

Jay
 
Taper just to be safe. 2 mg's isn't a lot although it was a daily dose. You probably don't need to taper more than 2 weeks til you can stop. Btw your couragous because thats a long time to be clean. Keep it up you won't regret it.
 
Thanks, it's a daily battle as I still want to alter my brain chemistry to feel that euphoria again. I know that I will never be truly free of it but am taking things day by day. The Ativan is an issue, I'm going to try and not take any tonight. I've been taking it daily and last night took 3 mgs. Quite moronic as I know what i'm setting myself up for. From what I've read the withdrawals for ativan don't kick in until 36 hours after you stop using it. I have some gabapentin which i hear helps with withdrawal, but all it does is make me depressed. I wish Lyrica was covered by my insurance as my body responds to it much better.
 
I can relate to a large part of your story... I've had an 8 year opiate addiction, been through rapid detox with bupe three times (most recent one ended a month ago yesterday), experienced extreme cold turkey (naltrexone), and probably lost my gf of 4 years because of the fog (thats 5 years ago now, no relationship since).

I know the shame of multiple relapses. I know the siren call of opiates, the sweet cloud that blunts every emotion.

Not a day has passed this month without the thought of one last hit. I'm sitting here tonight thinking about how to score. I think to myself that if I just use once a week, or just weekends, or once every four days, then I won't get addicted again.

This month has been hard. I'm an emotional wreck - I cry to TV shows! Most of all, I wish I could turn back the clock.

And to actually say something helpful: you may want to try taking naltrexone so there will be no benefit to relapsing (there is also an implant if you can't trust yourself to keep taking the tablets).

PS: Thankyou for your ongoing posts, and all the responses... they have helped me this night.
 
Hey Rosen, thanks for the info on naltrexone. I'm not sure if it's available here in Canada but it looks to be a great medication for opiate dependance. I unfortunately had to quit my habit cold turkey. Congrats on completing your detox. It's a new beginning for you. I wouldn't worry about crying while watching tv shows. I feel quite emotional myself at times. A lot of it has to do with no longer getting the seratonin rush from the opiates. The important thing is you've taken the step to get clean. The cravings never go away it's just trying to remain strong. I was at my lowest and homeless for a stretch and still think about oxy.

I've been doing my best not to take the Ativan my Doctor prescribed. I have such an addictive personality that it truly sucks when you feel like you're fighting against yourself all the time. Benzo withdrawal is no joke so i'm doing my best to try and use it very sparingly. Unfortunately I'm now taking 2,400 mg's of Gabapentin the last two days to try and calm my mind from wanting to take the Ativan. From what i've read Gabapentin has a brutal withdrawal issue as well. Wish I could stop the self medicating. The celexa isn't working as well as I anticipated for the depression. Tomorrow is a new day, just going to try and be positive.
 
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