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Suicide thread, for assitance and support for all things related to suicide

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god i just feel like nothing will get better. i moved to a new city 3000 miles away from home with my boyfriend after getting clean. smart idea for the drug use, terrible idea for my social life. i have been looking for a job for three months now, and ive only had three interviews. two of which i blew and the third one i think went well. however they told me to wait 5 - 7 days till i hear back and the wait is starting to make me doubt, plus after i get this confirmation i have to take a drug test and ive been smoking a lot of weed. so basically i fucked myself out of the only job opportunity i had.

as for friends, weve been out here for three months and the only friend we have is our weed dealer. im missing using, im missing my home, im missing my friends. even though my life back there was shitty, i miss it. i dont know where to go to join groups for people my age, school doesnt start until fall, i cant get a fucking job to meet anyone, and my boyfriend works ALL the time so im ALWAYS alone.

i feel like there is something wrong with me. why wont anyone fucking hire me. i have like perfect experience for the jobs im applying for. its making me just want to give up even trying. i feel like im running out of places to apply. and i dont know how to meet people. i feel like things are worse even though they are better. and i dont know how much more of it i can handle.
 
DexysMidnightRuner said:
god i just feel like nothing will get better. i moved to a new city 3000 miles away from home with my boyfriend after getting clean. smart idea for the drug use, terrible idea for my social life. i have been looking for a job for three months now, and ive only had three interviews. two of which i blew and the third one i think went well. however they told me to wait 5 - 7 days till i hear back and the wait is starting to make me doubt, plus after i get this confirmation i have to take a drug test and ive been smoking a lot of weed. so basically i fucked myself out of the only job opportunity i had.

as for friends, weve been out here for three months and the only friend we have is our weed dealer. im missing using, im missing my home, im missing my friends. even though my life back there was shitty, i miss it. i dont know where to go to join groups for people my age, school doesnt start until fall, i cant get a fucking job to meet anyone, and my boyfriend works ALL the time so im ALWAYS alone.

i feel like there is something wrong with me. why wont anyone fucking hire me. i have like perfect experience for the jobs im applying for. its making me just want to give up even trying. i feel like im running out of places to apply. and i dont know how to meet people. i feel like things are worse even though they are better. and i dont know how much more of it i can handle.
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Do you have a prescription for cannabis? If it's a medicine, I don't see how that would disqualify you for a job.

Best of luck, really though - there is no work where I am right now. Things get tough but I'm sure there's something you can do!
 
I was going to get a medical card - figuring it would protect me from disqualification for positive THC results right? but before i shelled out the 60 for it, i looked around the interwebs and found that a lot of people were having problems with employment and medical cards. some people after revealing they had a card, were disqualified right on spot. there are no laws protecting medical marijuana users from pre employment drug screens.

i'm hoping that because im in san francisco they will be more lenient. im going to dilute before the test, and hope that if i do test positive the employer doesnt mind thc. but i havnt even gotten the email yet :(

and im so sick of this god damn depression. why couldnt i have just been born without it. i feel like it will never go away, and ill always have to fight this stupid battle. sometimes i wish i had ever quit using amps, they made me a better person.
 
It's an ongoing battle.
I stalk people I used to go to school with on facebook.
I feel like shit, overcome with jealous rage, cause there they are thumbs up, smiling in pictures, while I can't even post pictures of me as a kid on facebook and I don't even acknowledge that my past ever happened, while they can.
I see pictures of them over the years, the changes.
And me, I can't be happy for someone who has what I never will.
And that's usually followed by suicidal thoughts.

As I said, its an ongoing battle.
 
i don't stalk them on facebook, but they all added me. i don't know why. but i get exactly the same rage. they are all great mates and i never see any of them because i was in the druggy fuckup whore group of 4, one of whom is now dead, the other of whom was in some kind of coke psychosis when i last saw her and never want to see again, and the last one i'm reforging a relationship with after i got fed up of her ket addled messiness.

seeing them all reminds me of how much i fucked up high school. i've considered deleting them. they wouldn't notice. i've also considered messaging all of them and saying 'why did you add me if you're not going to get in touch?' my suspicions are they wanted to watch the carcrash. i've denied them the pleasure so far. it gives me similar thoughts, proves i've always been messed up and therefore always will be.

dexys- moving is horrible. i have had to a lot with my studies and the isolation in particular is difficult. i really hope you get the job and find some new friends. i find meeting people i actually want to be friends with difficult though so can't really offer any advice. things probably will get worse before they get better, but they WILL get better if you keep trying.

hope everyones ok. i am so tired. not had any benzos for a week. tomorrow is my birthday, gonna treat myself. though prob best to wait til after the psychiatrist appointment. i'm nervous. i realise how much of whats getting me down is utter bullshit and its embarrassing to say. i hope i don't have to go through my history again, but she's asked for any previous notes. i'm not sure if i can handle a detailed account of every way that i've ever been messed up right now. why do i have to turn everything into shit? this time last week, psych app was the best thing in the world. now its here, its shit. feel like a total dick. a very very tired one.
 
i mean i love where i live. im glad i moved because had i stayed i would be dead by now. but i hate not having friends. i am not an outgoing or friendly person, even though i dont try to be this way, so its hard to make friends. but i havnt even had the opportunity to try and make friends because i have no idea where to go to meet people. and the only people so far ive gotten to meet are the homeless kids on haight - which are awesome but i need some real friends.

and this job thing, its killing me. I dont know why i cant find one. and its crushing me..sadly. the weird part is, i actually hate working. so i have NO idea why its effecting my psyche so much. i mean things out here arnt so bad, but my depression is kicking my ass. and i just wish it would go away. things would be so much better. :(

and facestalking always makes me depressed too. even though i get to see some pretty stupid mistakes people back home keep making. but i see all the people who are doing so well, and i feel like shit. what have i done with my life for 2 years since high school? drugs, fucked it up, nothing basically. i have to restart college cause i fucked up, and they are all just doing good. :/
 
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DexysMidnightRuner said:
I was going to get a medical card - figuring it would protect me from disqualification for positive THC results right? but before i shelled out the 60 for it, i looked around the interwebs and found that a lot of people were having problems with employment and medical cards. some people after revealing they had a card, were disqualified right on spot. there are no laws protecting medical marijuana users from pre employment drug screens.

i'm hoping that because im in san francisco they will be more lenient. im going to dilute before the test, and hope that if i do test positive the employer doesnt mind thc. but i havnt even gotten the email yet :(

and im so sick of this god damn depression. why couldnt i have just been born without it. i feel like it will never go away, and ill always have to fight this stupid battle. sometimes i wish i had ever quit using amps, they made me a better person.
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I would never personally work for anyone who drug tests me though, that's the main problem with drug tests.

If I drug test an employee, (I'm not an employer - theoretical situation) and I tell them the results and I go "I found 8 grams of PCP in your urine! Yer fired!!!" - what's to stop this from happening? Nothing.

"Oh we used the whole sample to do the testing". That's all I'd have to say to bullshit my way out of having you as an employee.

It's just better to do business without drug tests. If you aren't a good enough employer to know who's on drugs and who isn't, you aren't doing your job well enough as a boss.
 
Things have gotten unbearable for me and I got two choices: either relieve myself from misery and hurt my close ones or spare them (well, delay it) and continue being miserable. I can't possibly hurt them, but at the same time it is too difficult to handle my issues. It seems as if my case of depression is resistant to any common treatment: different benzos, numerous SSRI-s, SNRI, therapy, psych ward. I want to regain my motivation, ability to obtain knowledge and social relationships, but nothing has helped so far. Fuck.

I feel so incompetent, naive and primitive.
 
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Even though you listed a wide spectrum of medications you have tried, they are only a few of many psychiatric medications.

Have you considered the idea that you may have a disorder that you aren't very aware of? I didn't realize it until I was well past the age of 20 that I had ADHD, and had been experiencing it my whole life. The only medication that has worked well for me for ADHD is dexedrine IR, although I am also on buprenorphine nad cannabis and these also help in a smaller way.
 
Thanks for the reply, I've been wondering about ADHD as well. But a close relative of mine is psychiatrist and would probably notice it (which she hasn't).

Anyways the posting actually relieved quite a bit of pressure, I'm feeling a bit better. :)
 
AEB said:
Thanks for the reply, I've been wondering about ADHD as well. But a close relative of mine is psychiatrist and would probably notice it (which she hasn't).

Anyways the posting actually relieved quite a bit of pressure, I'm feeling a bit better. :)
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Psychiatrists can make mistakes though, and sometimes they won't mention things to us - almost expecting it to piece it together ourselves (one day my psychiatrist mentioned I had PTSD like it was something I should have known by then.. :o)

There are also more and less obvious forms of ADD/ADHD. If you are bouncing off the walls primarily hyperactive type of ADHD, it's probably easier to notice. If you have no hyperactivity and are just a withdrawn type of person, easily distracted, etc. - then this will be harder to notice in yourself.

I experience hyperactivity at times but mostly I am very inattentive, and I tend to dissociate a lot. Because of this, it's been harder for me to "see it" in myself so to speak. It has led to a poorer ability to realize what I am doing in any given moment.
 
Ive caused my family to much hurt. None of my friends or family I can talk to. I'm alone. The pain would go away if I ended it all. My son will hate me if I go through with it. Nobody is there for me. I don't mean to hurt them and I know I will but I can't cope. I cheated on partner of 10 years. I sneaked behind her back for 1 year doing it. Nobody will ever respect me again.x
 
Pb109 said:
Ive caused my family to much hurt. None of my friends or family I can talk to. I'm alone. The pain would go away if I ended it all. My son will hate me if I go through with it. Nobody is there for me. I don't mean to hurt them and I know I will but I can't cope. I cheated on partner of 10 years. I sneaked behind her back for 1 year doing it. Nobody will ever respect me again.x
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You still need to be there for your son though, please reconsider things man.

Just because your partner won't forgive you doesn't mean that your life isn't worth living. You can still get around these problems and work through it.

Your son would be happy to know his father growing up.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
You still need to be there for your son though, please reconsider things man.

Just because your partner won't forgive you doesn't mean that your life isn't worth living. You can still get around these problems and work through it.

Your son would be happy to know his father growing up.
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Thanks man.

I've took a lot of diazepam and some vodka. Im going to take a heroic dose of mushrooms. Maybe that will make me realise life is worth living. Tha pain is to much just now.

Take care guys.
Pb109
 
Fuck man :(
I'm glad that BL is a close community and mourns the loss of their members. Makes me feel like I'm a part of a place that gives a shit, unlike most internet forums.
RIP
 
Oddly enough, nicotine patches have stabilized my mood.
I don't want to cut a bitch, so to speak.
I hope this effect lasts.
Still toying with the idea of admitting myself cuz yesterday at work everything started spinning, mentally. Its like drug withdrawal...I want something I can never have, and I have to live with it breathing down my neck every fucking day of my life. I'm tormented. But it comes down to I can't afford to miss work for 3 days of being told I'm fucked in the head and given diff meds and possibly end up being taken off my adderall. It's just not happening. Took me long enough to find a free shrink who "believes" in the existance of adult adhd, I'm not fucking that up. Adderall is a lifesaver when I take it...which I haven't been regularly, to minimize burn out.
 
life is a gift and who ever is thinking about taking his/her own does know what tommorrow may bring so if your thinking about suiside remeber all you have to do is reach out anyone will help you<3
 
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