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My Choice To Use MDMA Has Fucked Me

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catinthehat4

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 7, 2010
Messages
92
Here's my story. Halloween wanted to have some fun. Ended up having too much fun. Took like 400-500mg of mdma (a retarded dose I know, I was uneducated at the time and I regret that ignorance everyday). Anyway, ever since then, I've been dealing with depression. I had depersonalization but it went away. I'm currently on lexapro, an ssri. I've seen some improvement, but not tons. I'm not the happy, fun-loving, easily contented guy I was prior to the dose. It's been 3.5 months and I'm starting to get really worried. Will I recover my SERT levels? I've read all about neurotoxicity and downregulation. Do you believe I'm experiencing downregulation or toxicity? That night I didn't hydrate all that well and I had lots of sex in a pretty hot room. However, I didn't pass out or have any strange symptoms, no vomiting, etc.

So basically, what the fuck is going on with me? Has anyone had anything like this happen to them? Recovery rates? It was only my 4th time doing MDMA, it was the first time in like 8 months. My memory is fine. My cognitive abilities are pretty much in tact. I don't feel quite as sharp, but I think that's mostly a byproduct of the depression. Any help is really, really appreciated. I know for y'all it's just another post. But this is my life. And it's been hell.
 
Of course you will recover, it just takes a lot of patience. Just wait it out, don't think that it will last forever because then it will last forever. Just remember that it will stop eventually. Just stay a patient person, work out, eat healthy, take vitamines, etc. Trust me you will be back to normal in a few months. :)

Good luck recovering, and if you can't handle it - stay away from the ecstasy
 
Oh yeah, as they have stated I also suggest trying to stop the SSRI's... I was on them for a bit and they made me feel a lot worse. Just be a normal person, you don't need drugs to control your life. It's just a way of thinking about everything. Open your mind to the beauty of the world and realize that's it's a beautiful place and you should control your life, not chemically engineered bullshit ;)
 
I don't want to stop the ssris because I think they've helped a bit. I was a wreck about a month ago, but since being put on them, I can function.

My plan is to give them another month and see how things are going. I know one poster had some great results from lexapro.

WarpedReality: What makes you so confident? Have you experienced this? It's all like a really bad dream right now, I can't believe I've done this to myself.
 
catinthehat4 said:
I don't want to stop the ssris because I think they've helped a bit. I was a wreck about a month ago, but since being put on them, I can function.

My plan is to give them another month and see how things are going. I know one poster had some great results from lexapro.

WarpedReality: What makes you so confident? Have you experienced this? It's all like a really bad dream right now, I can't believe I've done this to myself.
Click to expand...

Stop taking ecstacy for 90 days!!!


My thoery is if u keep putting ssri's into your brain to make you happy your brains going to stop producing its own happy. Atleast as much of it and wen u do stop taking it you'll be even more depressed.
 
I did stop taking ecstasy. I haven't touched it since halloween. I never was a big popper, I just did a lot that night due to my ignorance.
 
i also went through this after heavy using and it was only my fifth time. dp/dr was really hard lasted 2 months but it passed, went through depression for 3 months it passed, also had anxiety attacks which had never happened before but it also passed. i am now more than 4 months sober and only thing i get is minor twicthing of my arms or legs but have started to subside these past few days. i think time exercising really helped a lot, sleep, i took fish oils and vitamins, and healthy diet.
i also did 4 pokez every time i rolled which is stupid i know.
 
It'll fix itself in time. Just exercise, eat healthy and lay off the pills for awhile.

I took 10 pills the last time I rolled and it was the worst comedown I've ever had. Depression and depersonalization just like you describe. It took about 4 months before I felt "normal" again.
 
only non addictive non dangerous recreational drugs are good in moderation
get off that prescription shit before you fuck your brain chemistry ,
wean yourself off it very patiently over 1 -3 months

yoga cures every ailment known to man, learn to do some yoga poses and you will flood with oxygen removing toxicity and poison and chemicals from your body
learn to do a shoulderstand for 15 minutes in 1 - 2 months of practice and you're all set
no more depersonalization either

do some alternate nostril breathing and hey , whammo, ( but be diligent with it, breath with it until your whole body tingles with LIFE ) , and ,
what problems can you possibly have ? none

DO YOU HAVE A CHEMICAL IMBALANCE, YES YOU DO
BUY CRACK NOW
that's a lie, there is not chemical imbalance , nutritional imbalance yes , chemical, no, but when you believe the lie that they sharks hook you with , then they sell you crap pharmaceuticals and ONLY when you consent to being a lab rat to these loons , do you ever, in any way , have a chemical imbalance
no one has a chemical imbalance until they get conned into taking drugs for their entire life instead of fixing the problems on their own.

beware, the liars are fierce, they are trained to fight the truth, but i just gave you a good enough portion of it it to fix yourself

and what makes people think mdma hurts your brain ? alcohol is brain damage in a bottle, the science on mdma is inconclusive making people think , that basically it will cause only slight modulations in brain chemistry that reset in a month or so .
( at least according to documentary "ecstasy rising " )

psychedelics throw you out one of your chakras that most don't know they have, you stay thrown out , you stay opened up , yoga fixes that.

coffee throws you out the third chakra, hate aggression power , intolerance, ease of discriminating against other people, excitation, adrenal glands,
dunno what ones mdma activates, it does more than just metpahysics it also does physics.
 
shreem said:
only non addictive non dangerous recreational drugs are good in moderation
get off that prescription shit before you fuck your brain chemistry ,
wean yourself off it very patiently over 1 -3 months

yoga cures every ailment known to man, learn to do some yoga poses and you will flood with oxygen removing toxicity and poison and chemicals from your body
learn to do a shoulderstand for 15 minutes in 1 - 2 months of practice and you're all set
no more depersonalization either

do some alternate nostril breathing and hey , whammo, ( but be diligent with it, breath with it until your whole body tingles with LIFE ) , and ,
what problems can you possibly have ? none

DO YOU HAVE A CHEMICAL IMBALANCE, YES YOU DO
BUY CRACK NOW
that's a lie, there is not chemical imbalance , nutritional imbalance yes , chemical, no, but when you believe the lie that they sharks hook you with , then they sell you crap pharmaceuticals and ONLY when you consent to being a lab rat to these loons , do you ever, in any way , have a chemical imbalance
no one has a chemical imbalance until they get conned into taking drugs for their entire life instead of fixing the problems on their own.

beware, the liars are fierce, they are trained to fight the truth, but i just gave you a good enough portion of it it to fix yourself

and what makes people think mdma hurts your brain ? alcohol is brain damage in a bottle, the science on mdma is inconclusive making people think , that basically it will cause only slight modulations in brain chemistry that reset in a month or so .
( at least according to documentary "ecstasy rising " )

psychedelics throw you out one of your chakras that most don't know they have, you stay thrown out , you stay opened up , yoga fixes that.

coffee throws you out the third chakra, hate aggression power , intolerance, ease of discriminating against other people, excitation, adrenal glands,
dunno what ones mdma activates, it does more than just metpahysics it also does physics.
Click to expand...

^fuck yeah
 
I have to agree with a lot of the other posts. SSRIs don't make you happy. If they did, they'd be illegal as being happy is fun and that's an issue for society for some reason (note that pregabalin / lyrica is schedule V for causing "euphoria" in up to 12% of patients -- http://www.centerwatch.com/drug-information/fda-approvals/drug-details.aspx?DrugID=900). As such, you're left with anti-depressants being drugs that are supposed to make you not depressed, but not euphoric either. This, in and of itself, is numbness. My vote is the SSRI -- especially based on your MDMA usage. Completely speculative, though.
 
i pounded down half a gram of MDMA one night, just liek you did
and i was fine, i felt a bit stupid (literally stupid) until i got some sleep but i was fine.
its all in ya head, and its the SSRIs.
you know you could always try a real oldschool antidepressant, i hear the first antidepressant to be marketed works real great.
if you catch my drift
 
I think everyone's advice on here is really good, but I think this could also be a really good time to evaluate your headspace in general. You know, just take a moment and see where all this is coming from.

Personally, I've taken many doses equal to that or exceeding it, although I am a significantly more experienced user. Despite this, I have gone through depressive episodes exacerbated by habitual MDMA usage. MDMA certainly affects your brain chemistry, but whatever is going on in your life outside of that certainly plays a role.

Whenever I've gone through some rough spots involving MDMA--Crying for no apparent reason, extreme demotivation--I've tried to use it as an opportunity to seriously reflect upon myself. This would probably be healthier and more beneficial in the long run than covering up these feelings with antidepressants, which may in turn seriously alter your brain chemistry more fundamentally than a one-time dose of MDMA.
 
Agree! Stop taking the SSRI's.

YES! You will get over it! I know what MDMA does to people's brains and how it is metabolised, having been interested in neuroscience from the age of about 13. It can indeed induce a state of depression when all those delicious experiences disappear and the neurotransmitter levels fall back from 'turbo' to 'everyday dull'.

Things can even seem worse than everyday dull, as you have now seen how exciting things can get beyond normality.

The key to getting over it is not to focus on the fact MDMA can do that, it's to realise, it's a chemical trick, like the drug experience it's self. You are not fixed to depression, write the depression off as a side effect and, like trying to ignore the urge to be sick after too many beers, you now have to try to ignore the this and get over it.

It is likely the neurotransmitter levels in your brain are either close to normal again or back at normal. What is persisting is likely your psychological impressions.

You need to try to recreate the excitement from drugs with things in life. It won't be 'like MDMA', but then there are many drugs that aren't like MDMA. I can not say enough for actually getting yourself a hobby you really enjoy. If you think back to what interested you in your teens, this is probably a good place to pick back up from. Rather than 'getting a hobby', you need to start making time for things you enjoyed again. Which may not necessarily be as enjoyable at first, but you need to give it time. The absolute worst thing you can do is get up, watch TV, go to bed. That will have you feeling shitty for sure. You need to feel like you've achieved something each day or week, if only pathetically tiny, to feel like you're moving forward. And when considering how tiny it may be, think of this... most people do fuck all, so even days where you only manage some things, you are still doing a lot more than most people do.

Making a list of things to do can be a good thing. It can also go wrong when you include 'get a better life' on the list, or other equally massive tasks. It should be simple stuff. For me, I've sometimes let things slide and end up with a huge number of things I should have sorted months ago, which stresses and depresses me into a bad state. Even if it's only simple stuff like getting parcels collected or filing for refunds, or selling something on eBay. You'd want to start with that stuff. The simple, long overdue stuff. So, at the end of the week, you can think "don't have to worry about any of those any more" and move forward.

As for SSRI's!

I got arrested a while ago for causing a disturbance in my own home. Not on drugs, but seriously annoyed about something.

I was put on SSRI's and antipsychotics.

Neither of them did anything to me. And I had statistical evidence of that because I had to see someone every two weeks for over a year for 'a chat'. I pointed out to this person, and another person working there, that neither of the drugs they'd suggested I take seemed to be doing anything to me. They both suggested I continued taking them.

I soon grew very annoyed at having to drive all the way out there on a regular basis to go and sit round for an hour having someone pick through my personal life. Not due to the picking, but because this person clearly had no idea what I was talking about.

I decided to conduct my own counter test against them, by not actually taking anything they were giving me. Months went by with me 'continually improving' and them blaming my reason for being there on drugs.

All the while, them not realising I wasn't actually taking any of the medicines they were giving me. It was a placebo effect they were seeing, in reserve.

But the tablets did have one or two effects on me!

I felt entirely apathetic to the world, and put on 3 stone in a few months. Having spent the last three years going out exercising every night to try and be healthy and athletic, that upset me; a lot. One of the large tasks on my to-do list now is... loose the 3 stone of weight I gained as a result of those tablets.
 
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Thanks guys for all the heartfelt replies, it's much appreciated. I'd love to believe it's all in my head, but the truth is, it isn't. Objectively, I feel different (i.e. worse) than I did before the night I dosed. Drugs effect everyone differently, and apparently I'm experiencing a strange, uncommon reaction (unfortunately). I'm actively pursuing diet and exercise as a means to get better, and I do believe that I had some underlying issues (or a predisposition for depression) that the MDMA brought out. Nonetheless, I (nor anyone else) can deny the causative factor in this whole thing, and that's MDMA. What I'm looking for is some anecdotal evidence of people who've been in a similar boat and have made it back to shore.
 
i am not familiar with lexapro, but i'll join the anti-ssri chorus, perhaps you should consider talking to your doctor about discontinuing the lexapro. You likely need to be weaned off it or you will have more issues.
 
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