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My Choice To Use MDMA Has Fucked Me

But aren't there people who've abused mdma who've gotten help from ssris. i am feeling somewhat better since starting them.
 
I'm so sorry to hear about your terrible experience. I don't believe it's all in your head- it seems to me that you're right; you likely have a predisposition to depression and certain drugs trigger underlying psychological issues in certain people. I do, however, agree with everyone that it's best to get off the SSRI's. Go on google and explore a bit to see the anti-depression-medication information out there (there's quite a bit of it!). Some people may feel better initially when taking the medications, but it doesn't mean they're any healthier or that it lasts!

I hate to sound like a floofy-hippie but honestly I know a few people who have benefited IMMENSELY by going to visit a naturopath, and of course the typical healthy-living idea can do wonders for depression! Primarily get outside. Get sunshine, or if it's not possible in winter where you live look into getting a one of those SAD lamps (seasonal affective disorder). Vitamin D, make a regular exercise routine so you are being active a couple of times a week, try to eat well...it all sounds overstated but that's because it works!

There is no proven science stating that depression is a chemical imbalance, that's something the advertising world has made up and marketed well. (http://freedocumentaries.org/teatro.php?filmID=363&lan=en&size=big this documentary is wonderful, although the title is a little militant). Depression is dead-real, absolutely, but it's not quite what the pharmaceutical industry says it is! My advice is to see a professional who's not a doctor (mainstream doctors are often sponsored by drug companies to promote certain products), and to take good good care of yourself! Do your own research and try different things to see what works for you :)

Good luck, and I wish you all the best in healing and feeling like yourself again!!
 
I should say, I'm not suggesting you are simply imagining it or being a wuss.

A lot of people comment on feeling shitty after taking amphetamine based drugs, particularly MDMA. Which also happens to be the one that most strongly affects the serotonin pathways in your brain; out of that, amphetamine and meth.

I too have felt pretty down after taking those things.

What I'm trying to say instead is, I have gone through many periods of feeling really down. To the point of getting up, immediately getting drunk and going back to bed again.

I've come to appreciate that quite often those are periods where something has upset me or made me give up, and then things get better - eventually. More importantly, I've realised that they get better, faster, the more positive you are about it being so.

Convincing yourself you are now permanently done for as a result of the drug is a big part of what will ensure you stay that way.

I expect everyone has met people in life where they come from the same background, yet one is achieving far more than another because they're biased to find the positives in life, rather than start with the negatives.

As someone from the UK, this is actually something I am jealous of many Americans for. As I have met more Americans with a more immediately positive attitude. In the UK, we are renowned for being sarcastic and having a stiff upper lip.

That is not always a good thing, as a lot of people, whilst shutting up and getting on with things, will also tend to make negative remarks first.

I too have had SAD lamps. In fact, I built one to go behind my computer screen with a bulb in it so bright it could x-ray through walls. And was taking 4 times the starting dose of SSRI's.

I didn't find those anywhere near as helpful as simply finding something to do and forcing myself to recognise that I WAS getting something done and being constructive.
 
ehh amp and methamp touch serotonin but not nearly as strong as MDMA diggity
the reason you feel shitty after doing amphet is your brain is lacking dopamine, unless i know wrong..amp and methamp dont release NEARLY as much serotonin as MDxx..
the high from amphet/methamp is based on the dopamine thats released, i do know that
 
Yeah I'm trying to stay positive the best I can. I have seen progress, albeit at a very slow rate. Just not quite myself. On one hand, I truly believe the mind to be an incredible organ. I refuse to believe one night could really destroy it or cause irreversible damage. However, on the other hand, I'm wondering why it hasn't healed itself yet. It really sucks too because it's not like I was going on binges or anything. I don't have a drug problem. I just did it for one night, and due to my lack of knowledge, I did too much and am still dealing with the ramifications. Basically: shit's crazy! :(
 
That's how I understand it as well.

MDMA -> Amphetamine -> Meth

Serotonin ------------------> Dopamine

In a spectrum.

As serotonin is more related to happiness and content and dopamine to energy and aggression, it seems to fit with some of the traits in peoples' character when on them.

It is a spectrum however, like you say. MDMA is also active at dopamine sites from what I remember.

Pick your poison. MDMA and feel loved up, then depressed, or go towards the right and feel charged up, then angry.
 
yeah, you iz right indeed
MDMA does release dopamine, apparently thats why some of the neurotoxcity may occur, or somethin like that.
but IME MDMA hasn't ever given me a proper comedown, i mean ive felt a little bit "fried" until ive gotten some sleep after nom nom noming molly but ive never felt like a piece of shit from MDMA like i have from amphet. Amphet makes me real apathetic and depressed when i come down, MDMA doesnt. then again i havent really abused MDMA so i dunno, i'm sure itll get real bad at one point but even when i first started doing amphet id get that comedown if you get hwat im saying
 
Coming down from amphetamine is fucking rough compared to MDMA, I'd agree.

I've never had a really bad come down from MDMA or the similar stuff either; when people talking about 'crashing'. I'll be awake longer than I want, but my skin won't feel like I need to peel it off to stop it itching. :D

The thing that annoys me is sitting around for 18h to go to bed after the fun stuff stops.

Depends on how you view things. I've had trips where things have happened that I didn't like. But I wouldn't call them bad trips.
 
catinthehat4 said:
Here's my story. Halloween wanted to have some fun. Ended up having too much fun. Took like 400-500mg of mdma (a retarded dose I know, I was uneducated at the time and I regret that ignorance everyday). Anyway, ever since then, I've been dealing with depression. I had depersonalization but it went away. I'm currently on lexapro, an ssri. I've seen some improvement, but not tons. I'm not the happy, fun-loving, easily contented guy I was prior to the dose. It's been 3.5 months and I'm starting to get really worried. Will I recover my SERT levels? I've read all about neurotoxicity and downregulation. Do you believe I'm experiencing downregulation or toxicity? That night I didn't hydrate all that well and I had lots of sex in a pretty hot room. However, I didn't pass out or have any strange symptoms, no vomiting, etc.

So basically, what the fuck is going on with me? Has anyone had anything like this happen to them? Recovery rates? It was only my 4th time doing MDMA, it was the first time in like 8 months. My memory is fine. My cognitive abilities are pretty much in tact. I don't feel quite as sharp, but I think that's mostly a byproduct of the depression. Any help is really, really appreciated. I know for y'all it's just another post. But this is my life. And it's been hell.
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You will with time my friend. I had a really bad experience my 5th time rolling. I took it at a really bad time, and i hoped the drug would magically solve my problems which it didn't and only made them worse.
I suffered from major depression and depersonalization for months. I have yet to roll again and it's been about 5 months since the incident. Things I would recommend doing. Eating, exercising, talking to some close friends, meditation 15 minutes a day can do wonders! I would refrain from drug use for quite a while though even after a bit when you feel back to your regular self again.
 
Ok, I'm not sure how your experience relates to mine, but it sounds similar, more so than the fact that they both came from rolling on halloween. Basically I rolled for all the wrong reasons, trying to snap myself out of a depression (that worked about as well as it sounds like it would). Had a lot of what you're describing, depersonalization, depression MASSIVELY intensified, no motivation. The best way to describe it was that the shine had completely rubbed off the entire world, so if that rings a bell, what helped me might help you. Here's my advice:

Now you're definitely going to have to do some work to get yourself out of this (eating right, excercise, no drugs, generally being good to yourself), but one thing that helped me immensely was Wellbutrin, which I haven't heard anyone mention yet on this thread. It affects dopamine and norepinephrine, as opposed to serotonin, which puts it closer to a stimulant. It has pretty much none of the bad side effects of SSRI's (sexual dysfunction, numbing, etc), and I found it to have a really sharpening effect on my mind, as in I could finally think about something other than how shitty the world is.

Again, this is all just me, for all I know we could be wrestling with two completely different beasts, but if what I described sounds familiar, I'd give the Wellbutrin a go. And don't worry, because you WILL get better. For those 2 months or so I was legitimately suicidal because I was convinced that I had destroyed my personality with drugs, that I was never coming back, but I did, and I think I'm better now than I was before the whole wretched incident. It takes more than that to destroy a person's human energy. Once you find what works for you, you'll be able to remove what's weighing down your mind, and you'll be back to normal. Hell, you might even be a little better for the experience;)
 
let go. sto pthe regrets. stop the 'i was stupid.' accept what you did and move forward. you wont feel better immediately but constantly attributing your mood to one incident will not help and will reinforce the negative thought cycle you are in.

as an aside- SSRI's are only as effective as a placebo UNLESS you were suffering the most severe major depression. but you've improved from them nonetheless. think about this, its not THE DRUG, its your attitude and i think this applies to the MD too.

btw i have taken nearly a gram of md in one night with no negative effects, i don't advocate this but just saying its perfectly possible. and i know were all different yada yada but i genuinely think for your own sanity you need to stop blaming the md and maybe you'll realise there were some other underlying issues which you aren't even aware of yet, which need sorting.

also- who were you fucking on the night? was it your girlfriend? was it a one night stand? did it work out after? was there any awkwardness? i know a lot more people who've been seriously messed up by fucking someone they shouldn't have than taking a single high dose of a drug. just a possibility.
 
I think that could be a problem with MDMA. People think it will make them happy, so it may attract people who are already prone to depression.
 
I am speaking only to the SSRI, as i have never done mdma. Please do a lot of research before your brain becomes rewired from the ssri. I was put on them about 6 years ago for a specific depressing time that i was experiencing and have been attempting to stop taking them for years. Lexapro diid make me feel a bit better for a while, but like everything else, it stopped working and the dr continued to up my dose and try many different ADs.

When you research antidepressant specific forums you will see that the short term effects of these drugs can lead to very long term side effects and incredible dependency. If its helping, great, but i would suggest looking at it as a temporary fix and discontinue them asap using a very regimented tapering process.
 
<---- is curious if there have been any clinical trials of sending depressed patients to whore houses. Like all cures, there are also other applications; e.g. domestic violence, ending wars, settling court disputes...

But it is interesting to think about. Having some rough sex can really cheer things up! Those prescription drugs are expensive, and have physiological side effects. When maybe a quick wank job would do for the week. :P
 
Haha John you may be on to something. Tampa, thanks for the advice. My game plan is to get myself stabilized with the ssri then discontinue within the next six months. I hear you though, the less tweaking with the brain, the better. Thanks everyone for all the encouragement, this thread in particular has been very supportive and upbeat. I do think I'm going to pull out of this, and I have been feeling better by the day (especially with exercise and a conscientious diet). The whole experience has just been incredibly scary. I'm a good student and a decent guy overall, and to think I willingly sent my brain into such a shock makes me sick.

On a side note: The lack of a responsible drug education system in the USA makes me disgusted. Obviously, kids should do their own research. But when you see your friends taking drugs and doing just fine, why bother? The assumption is that you'll be fine as well. The drug education system needs to be revamped so instead of scaring kids, they're getting actual information. Had I known even a little bit about neurochemistry, I would have been a lot safer with my usage. Instead, the approach is that all drugs are bad. That all or nothing approach leaves people ill-informed and prone to bad decisions. Bluelight is the best DARE teacher I've ever had.
 
And pontifex, not to pry, but are you still on the SSRIs as a result of the overdose incident? Or is it unrelated (I'd like to think I won't need SSRIs for the rest of my life bc of this). Furthermore, what did your OD feel like? Honestly, with me, there was no foreshadowing of what was to come. I was just rolling really hard, but at no point were there any red flags to indicate that I had gone way overboard. I'd assume OD'ing, or doing serious damage, would've involved serious, immediate consequences such as a seizure or fainting. But what do I know.
 
Yeah I'm trying to stay positive the best I can. I have seen progress, albeit at a very slow rate. Just not quite myself. On one hand, I truly believe the mind to be an incredible organ. I refuse to believe one night could really destroy it or cause irreversible damage. However, on the other hand, I'm wondering why it hasn't healed itself yet. It really sucks too because it's not like I was going on binges or anything. I don't have a drug problem. I just did it for one night, and due to my lack of knowledge, I did too much and am still dealing with the ramifications. Basically: shit's crazy!
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I think you will regain much of your functioning. The brain is a remarkable organ. I think alot o it is psychosomatic.

I'd assume OD'ing, or doing serious damage, would've involved serious, immediate consequences such as a seizure or fainting. But what do I know.
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This isn't necessarily true.
 
Hey Man,

Same thing happened to me after using MDMA back at the beginning of october 2010. Properly turned my world upside down when it didnt shake off after a week.

Starting to pull out of it though. Lost all the crazy weird syptoms after about 3-4 month, now its just managing the depression and anxiety. DP and DR are almost gone.

I study medicine so i know that this is a true phenomenon. It's recognized by all my neuro teachers, but it isn't widely researched as there is no money in it.

But I've seen the best people, the experts in the field and read all the latest journals on it.

This won't be permanent. The mind takes a long time to heal though. The brain re-wires through thought pattern. Think positive and you create the connections faster.

The brain has great ability for almost unlimited plasticity.

You should stay away from the SSRI's though. The people who are susceptible to this can lack a number of enzymes that cause build up toxicity (e.g. p450 2d6 - but there are millions of dif enzymes that play a part). Either this or you brought out a degree of mental illness. Anyways the SSRI will aid downregulation.....I was witheld them by the UK london expert in drug related psych and also the neuro for this reason.

Chances are its the former. Mate you will be fine! stay off the meds and any herb supplements (unregulated shit, effects hormones) eat well, sleep well, try not to waste time regretting this. You will only bring yourself down further reinforcing the problem.

You only have the here and now so build for a better future.

I have found self hypnosis (kind of similar to yoga / meditation) and exercise to be the best fix so far. At the end of all this you will be a stronger person.

Shit happens for a reason.

The recovery will take 1 - 1.5 years to fully heal. but you'll be pretty much fully functional in 6- 8.

Take it easy buddy. Happy to share experiences about this. Dw, wasn't this upbeat about the situation until recently. I am having to take a year out due to this.

I am lucky I have amazing health care insurance and great help as well as access to unlimited docs everyday through my uni teachers (all docs). Happy to share the advice I've got.

Think about it this way.....your improving.....life can only improve from here in. Chin up!
 
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Thanks for the advice and the information, really appreciate it. It's sad that there are certain people who are susceptible to this sort of thing, but I guess that's just the way life is. I'm certainly learning from the experience. I'm a little confused by your post though. Did you mean to say 6-8 months--I hope.

My outlook has gotten a lot better recently as I'm beginning to feel better. Not obsessing over it like I was. How much did you take?
 
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