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Suicide thread, for assitance and support for all things related to suicide

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zombiesarepeaceful said:
The pain of living has just overcme the potential pain of death.
No one can help me, because the one thing that would fix it costs thousands of dollars.
I can't say I'm ready but we all die someday, and all the fight in me is drained. I'm so far from my goal, each step is agony.
This recarnation of my life circle was a fucking joke.
I'm not laughing.
What the entire fucking world takes for granted, I never can.
Do you know what its like to look in the mirror and see exactly the opposite of what you should? To be paranoid that someone will find out? No matter how fat, thin, disabled...your body doesn't mock you like mine does.
It disgusts me the amount of jealousy & rage I feel for the world because of this. Complete strangers.
Its not their fault but it still makes me sick.

I wish I had a gun. If I did i'd shoot myself, no thinking involved.
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Going to the psychiatrist cost $1,000's over the years, so don't worry about that. Save up your money over time by getting a job and anything is possible when you put your will power to it.

There are plenty of people who have felt the way you do - just remember that feelings and emotions are just temporary. They are always changing, or at least have the potential to change.
 
ZAP who's to say you won't get the money some day in the future? If you end your life it will permanently ruin any chance for you to be happy. Why do you want to throw it all away? Recently I've seen you post in TDS saying how happy and good you've been feeling. I know you feel like shit now but please remind yourself that even though you feel bad today, you could feel good tomorrow and the next day and the next day after that. You never know what's around the corner <3
 
Because I don't have a car cuz mine died & have to buy one now , little shit that constantly eats my money. I started a savings acct that I won't be touching til I have the $ but the reminder that what I hate the most is still there never goes away. It draws out , its tiresome & agonizing. I can't begin to explain.

I was at my lowest point in awhile last night. What pushed me over the edge was that I had to go to the er & deal with ignorant asshole doctors who used words that really fuck with me & made me feel like a naked, shameful piece of shit. I think about suicide everyday, but not to the extent that I make plans & come this close.

No matter how good I may feel, until I have that money, I'm not really alive. I won't feel alive until that is done. Why live half fucking alive?
 
zombiesarepeaceful said:
CH - I have a job, I work 60 hrs a week, and its not a shrink that I need the money for.
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I know exactly what you need the money for - I just mentioned how I go through four figures going to psychiatrists over the course of a 4-5 year period alone.

I am sure that in due time you will have plenty of money for your needs.

I was very touched by how you explained that "your body doesn't mock you as much as mine does" because you mentioned being fat, thin, or disabled as examples. I happen to be very disabled at the moment, and it has caused me a great deal of distress, anxiety, panic, etc. so I hope that you feel better about all of this soon enough.

zombiesarepeaceful said:
Because I don't have a car cuz mine died & have to buy one now , little shit that constantly eats my money. I started a savings acct that I won't be touching til I have the $ but the reminder that what I hate the most is still there never goes away. It draws out , its tiresome & agonizing. I can't begin to explain.

I was at my lowest point in awhile last night. What pushed me over the edge was that I had to go to the er & deal with ignorant asshole doctors who used words that really fuck with me & made me feel like a naked, shameful piece of shit. I think about suicide everyday, but not to the extent that I make plans & come this close.

No matter how good I may feel, until I have that money, I'm not really alive. I won't feel alive until that is done. Why live half fucking alive?
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Doctors can be very apathetic to their patients needs, but you are not alone there. I have felt judged by doctors many, many times simply for going to different doctors at the same time (not doctor shopping), or because of my age, or the fact that I studied pharmacology in college so most of the time I literally know more about the substances the doctor is trying to push on me than the doctor does himself.

I also have had to pump ridiculous sums of money into my car recently - I am sorry yours died, that is never a good place to be in.

Is it possible to get a ride with someone to your job? You have already probably thought of this as a possibility, so if this isn't an option for you (when my car broke down I had to fork money over for a taxi so you wouldn't be alone there either if no one can give you a ride) don't feel bad.

There are a lot of caring and considerate doctors out there. I have only met two so far in real life, but both have changed my life in a very positive way.

One day you will get to live the way you deserve to, until then, nothing else matters. I hope you don't lose sight of your attainable goals because of recent events.

Please look on the bright side too though, I had a filled out job application ready to be submitted when I slipped on ice and broke two bones in my arm, and I am simply unable to work now. I wish I had a job, let alone 60 hours per week (skimpy hour part time jobs are more commonplace here).

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk any time. You have always been a very nice person to talk to. :)
 
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Captain.Heroin said:


I was very touched by how you explained that "your body doesn't mock you as much as mine does" because you mentioned being fat, thin, or disabled as examples. I happen to be very disabled at the moment, and it has caused me a great deal of distress, anxiety, panic, etc. so I hope that you feel better about all of this soon enough.



Doctors can be very apathetic to their patients needs, but you are not alone there. I have felt judged by doctors many, many times simply for going to different doctors at the same time (not doctor shopping), or because of my age, or the fact that I studied pharmacology in college so most of the time I literally know more about the substances the doctor is trying to push on me than the doctor does himself.

I also have had to pump ridiculous sums of money into my car recently - I am sorry yours died, that is never a good place to be in.

Is it possible to get a ride with someone to your job? You have already probably thought of this as a possibility, so if this isn't an option for you (when my car broke down I had to fork money over for a taxi so you wouldn't be alone there either if no one can give you a ride) don't feel bad.

There are a lot of caring and considerate doctors out there. I have only met two so far in real life, but both have changed my life in a very positive way.

One day you will get to live the way you deserve to, until then, nothing else matters. I hope you don't lose sight of your attainable goals because of recent events.

Please look on the bright side too though, I had a filled out job application ready to be submitted when I slipped on ice and broke two bones in my arm, and I am simply unable to work now. I wish I had a job, let alone 60 hours per week (skimpy hour part time jobs are more commonplace here).

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk any time. You have always been a very nice person to talk to. :)
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You're right, I've said that until I can live the way I deserve to, nothing else matters. I have extreme tunnel vision & I'm glad my job owns my life cuz this way I can get to my goal faster & I have little time to spend the money I make.

Thanks for having the respect not to mention specifically what my issue is. I don't realy mention it anymore and no one at work knows. I'm afraid they'll find out though.. if they did...well...let's just say I'm glad I carry a knife.

I've never been severely disabled but this job has fucked up my knee & joints. But part time jobs are more common here than anything. I just got lucky.

Its good to have input from someone. My friends and me don't really talk about it, the ones who know. I have friends like me & they know I struggle but he's dealt with it in a much more positive way, and I feel weak and pathetic for mentioning anything to him. He's my best friend but we don't need to speak about it for him to know I'm hurting. He aready knows and has given me good advice. So I don't Say much about it to people IRL. Idk how he has the strength to view and deal with it in a more positive light. He's had his share of dark times and has worked thru them. I'm still in my dark times.

Rides to work come and go. I have a bike to ride to work but its a winter wonderfuck. Nonetheless, its better than walking. My friend just got a job w me and offered me a ride to work but doesn't always go home the same time as me so I walk if that happens.

At the least I have some pride from working. Most people can't handle it. But I'm relentless. Yeah my depression makes it hard to function but I remind myself, its work or sit and home pissing & moaning that I'm jobless. So work it is.

I'm still in the mindset that i'd shoot myself if I had a gun but (luckily or not) I don't.
 
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zombiesarepeaceful said:
You're right, I've said that until I can live the way I deserve to, nothing else matters. I have extreme tunnel vision & I'm glad my job owns my life cuz this way I can get to my goal faster & I have little time to spend the money I make.

Thanks for having the respect not to mention specifically what my issue is. I don't realy mention it anymore and no one at work knows. I'm afraid they'll find out though.. if they did...well...let's just say I'm glad I carry a knife.
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No problem at all - I also don't like talking about my endless issues either in grave detail. That's what PM's and stuff are for. :)

At the moment I don't mind talking about how painful my arm is and what happened to it, but there are other things that are more annoying/deterring to talk about albeit less painful.

I've never been severely disabled but this job has fucked up my knee & joints. But part time jobs are more common here than anything. I just got lucky.

Its good to have input from someone. My friends and me don't really talk about it, the ones who know. I have friends like me & they know I struggle but he's dealt with it in a much more positive way, and I feel weak and pathetic for mentioning anything to him. He's my best friend but we don't need to speak about it for him to know I'm hurting. He aready knows and has given me good advice. So I don't Say much about it to people IRL. Idk how he has the strength to view and deal with it in a more positive light. He's had his share of dark times and has worked thru them. I'm still in my dark times.

Rides to work come and go. I have a bike to ride to work but its a winter wonderfuck. Nonetheless, its better than walking. My friend just got a job w me and offered me a ride to work but doesn't always go home the same time as me so I walk if that happens.

At the least I have some pride from working. Most people can't handle it. But I'm relentless. Yeah my depression makes it hard to function but I remind myself, its work or sit and home pissing & moaning that I'm jobless. So work it is.

I'm still in the mindset that i'd shoot myself if I had a gun but (luckily or not) I don't.
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I wanted to ask you if you had read my story I had posted in TDS?

I am going to PM you because it will just be easier. :)
 
I feel crappy, lonely, depressed and anxious often. Yet when I have money to spend, it disappears. I struggle with these thoughts all the time. Half the time, i think "man if i was not on methadone(24mg), id totally shoot up some of the 40mg OC's i stashed away" w/ other injectable HP opiates, but it never gets to that point. I have found that when i am in a really bad place, it helps to smoke some pot. Though usually when severely depressed, anxious and hopeless, i do not feel like packing a bowl, let alone get out of bed; Eventually, I just do it and then my mind can (usually) relax and look at things from a different perspective(cannabis is good like that). Helps me, but to each his own. Hope your feeling better. PM me anytime. Anything I can do please let me know:-) I always love to talk and try to help, especially a fellow bluelight member.
 
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Endogenous Depression.

I'm only 18 years old and my mind is already weathered. I spent my four years in high school mainly isolated and quiet. I became so disconnected from people I couldn't even talk to people I didn't know without feeling like I was going to have a panic attack. I've lived in a fog of depression for years now, not a day has gone by that I haven't though about disappearing or ending my life since. My parents have tried to help me I've been put on lexapro, cymbalta, wellbutrin, klonopin, and xanax xr. I don't know who I am anymore and it really eats away at me. I don't remember the last time I was naturally content and happy. I no longer consider myself to be living anymore; I'm just treading water. Marijuana and opiates/opioids are the only substances that ease my mind anymore and those are only "temporary bandages." I don't think I'll ever feel like myself again and I don't think I am capable of being naturally happy, the thoughts and realizations I've had that haunt me won't ever go away. I need to gain the courage to finally end my life so I that I am no longer conscious. I have so much respect for those that made it through the hell of depression, but maybe I'm just too weak.
 
hey escapedysphotria, wow only 18? u got ur whole life ahead of you buddy. do u have any hobbies? what do u like to do for fun? I like to play the guitar, shit keeps my mind from floating off into bad places. plus i can pretty much do it anywhere.
i'm in recovery, been off of heroin for over 7 months. it gets better man. i still get urges to go do a shot, or go do something, but i have to humble myself and overcome. i kno where it leads me.
do u play any video games? i play just about every pc,xbox, and ps3 game. so if u ever want to game hit me up.

make goals man, make a gratitude list, i take it u have a roof over ur head? food in the kitchen? thats stuff that someone else doesn't have. help out somewhere, volunteer somewhere, or just do something for someone without having to get anything n return.

hang n there bud, msg me if u wanna talk.

<3
 
Im seriously debating putting into motion my long held plans for my suicide, my notes have been written for a while. just seen a phych doc today and with the U.K. goverment on disabilty benefits claiments+ the THREATS, i feel my time is now running out .i know ill never be able to have a regular job, i have two kids wholl the gov will get on my wages about child support. i pay £50 a wk out of mey disability money now, even though im not forced too by the CSA, just cos ive got a responsibilty to them , +i love them.(enough to keep me alive indefinetly, no)
but if i ever got a low paid job theyll take every penny and my ex wont see a penny off it cos shes on single parent benefit. tbh ill never be able to hold a job anyway , my benefits help a lot but if they are cut itll be the last nail in my coffin.
Im sick of living in my head + im numb with few feelings except a low level pain for past 15 years, death is some peoples only option, will i have the balls to push the needle in ,then the plunger when the time comes. its a permanent answer to a permanent problem imo. i generally hate most people and society with its "tax payers "small minded , fucking hypocrites.
Will i do it this month, probably not , but im only playing for time please god , give me the strength to play my last card ,at least it will vindicate that my mental problems arent circumstantial or because im fucking workshy or lazy.
I wonder what will happen to me after my death,either way we all find out eventually cant be much worse hopefully a permanent blackness with no consiouness, imo euthenasia is right for untreatable mental problems ,not just MS and the like. 15 years of mental pain ,24 hours a day, i even wake up shaky and ill when nothings physically wrong. i only want to hurt myself surely god/the spirits will have compassion and forgiveness for this.
 
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hey donnie, sorry to hear that ur having such a rough time. have you ever thought about maybe finding a job that paies "under the table" cash ?
you mentiond something about drawing disability. are u able to clean? or do yardwork? i'm sure u can find a lil job something like that. hell even working in ur own yard, what ever you can do to get out of "self", like i mentiond above.
yeah moneys a bitch. i'm broke as hell, and Human services screwd me over. and to make matters worse i felt crushd when i couldnt buy grochies (everyone was looking at me in wallmart).
have u ever thought about doing art? and like sitting on a blanket at the part painting, and have a few pieces up for sale? yeah sounds corny.. and its cold as hell outside lol, but a pennys a penny rite?

ya gotta bring light to ur dark circumstance. do something positive. like me, i'm about to go dig in poo water, and fix a busted pipe. i dont expect anything in return. so do something for someone.
hang n there , if u ever wanna talk pm me.<3
 
hmm i guess ill share my small story. this really is nothing compared to what many of you are going through.

i really dont have a whole lot to complain about, im 16 year old dude, junior in highschool. My parents love me and everything, no family problems, etc. I live in a middle-upper class town. My only real complaint about myself is my terrible acne, along with another physical attribute that i was made fun of for in the past.

Ive just been feeling really down lately. im really quiet and have few friends, never hang out with anyone. it seems like im never happy anymore. just a few hours ago on another forum, i was going through a "nostalgia" thread where videos and stuff were posted about things from our childhood. I found a few videos of tv shows i watched as a young kid and just started to cry, realizing how happy i used to be, and how much better i felt back then. it feels like ill never return to that hapiness again.

i dont have access to heroin, but if i did, i surely would have done it by now because of how depressed i am. I would also consider suicide alot more seriously if it wernt for my parents / family. Just thinking about how sad they would be is enough to stop me from killing myself right now, but i surely wont be able to continue living like this for another 60+ years.

my other huge fear about suicide is that I would fail, or human survival instinct would kick in, and i would end up brain dead or permanently disabled, which would be far worse than death. I have no access to guns or anything so that form of death is out of the question, atleast until i turn 18 ( ? not sure on state gun laws, im guessing 18 )

who knows, maybe sometimes soon ill quit being a phaggot and just do it.
 
hey ronpaul, dont get down over your physical appearances. man when i was 16 i had the worst acne ever. like no one would talk to me because of it, and it sucked man. luckly there were video games where no one had to know. :)
its okay to cry sometimes, i still do at times. it feels good to get that shit all out, man be grateful that you dont have acess to heroin. i was on the shit, and it just made matters a lot worse. rehab after rehab. the drug pull was way to strong for myself.

dude get into something fun, 99% of my friends had acne and were fucking awesome at video games, so we'd hang out and play. hell now you can play online, and makes it so much funner!

don't know if ur having problems at school because of it, i was pickd on everyday because of who i was. i started to work out, and use that testorone and got big. and now i'm not the same kid with acne anymore. it was just a phase for me, things started to simmer down at 19.

hey if u play video games bro hit me up! theres so much more in life then death. were all going to die someday, let that shit be way down the road from now man. until then we can live it up. ya kno?
hang n there man, and if no ones told u that they loved u today, i love u <3 :)

msg me if u wanna talk!
 
Ronpaul....if acne is the only thing you're teased for, consider yourself lucky. Seriously. It could be far worse. Speaking from my perspective...trust me. You're young. Make something of yourself.
 
D's said:
hey ronpaul, dont get down over your physical appearances. man when i was 16 i had the worst acne ever. like no one would talk to me because of it, and it sucked man. luckly there were video games where no one had to know. :)
its okay to cry sometimes, i still do at times. it feels good to get that shit all out, man be grateful that you dont have acess to heroin. i was on the shit, and it just made matters a lot worse. rehab after rehab. the drug pull was way to strong for myself.

dude get into something fun, 99% of my friends had acne and were fucking awesome at video games, so we'd hang out and play. hell now you can play online, and makes it so much funner!

don't know if ur having problems at school because of it, i was pickd on everyday because of who i was. i started to work out, and use that testorone and got big. and now i'm not the same kid with acne anymore. it was just a phase for me, things started to simmer down at 19.

hey if u play video games bro hit me up! theres so much more in life then death. were all going to die someday, let that shit be way down the road from now man. until then we can live it up. ya kno?
hang n there man, and if no ones told u that they loved u today, i love u <3 :)

msg me if u wanna talk!
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thanks. ya i workout too, i love it. pumping iron is one of my last true joys in life. i also play video games, for example right now i have 3 bots going in runescape to prepare for free trade, hahaha.
i also play online multiplayer on xbox too

usually when it comes to death i feel like we are all guarenteed to die, so why rush it

zombiesarepeaceful said:
Ronpaul....if acne is the only thing you're teased for, consider yourself lucky. Seriously. It could be far worse. Speaking from my perspective...trust me. You're young. Make something of yourself.
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i know i dont have a terribly difficult life, thats why i said its nothing compared to what many others go through.

there is something else though that ive been made fun of in the past and current times as well
 
I firmly believe that there is nothing worth ending one's life for. We are here for you ronpaul, if you wish to discuss this other thing that you've had a hard time with, you have our full support <3
 
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