Soap MacTavish
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jul 12, 2010
- Messages
- 293
Again into the boiling nightmare
I thought I had seen the worst life could dish out. I thought I could control this shit. I thought I could control myself. My thoughts, as always, betray me...
This one is going to seem like total bullshit, and honestly I wish it was. I still can not believe what happened this time.
I had a brainstorm called Fuck It, I Wanna Get High. And the shadows delivered a 4-gram package. Since, 1 gram would just never be enough. It only took 36 hours before I was about a gram and a half deep into that demonic powder and the darkest demons on this earth were on my back.
I spent about 2 hours driving in circles like a total maniac trying to dodge these cars that had tinted windows and guys in all dark clothes. I was entirely convinced a shadow agency had finally caught up to me for all the dark deeds I had committed over the years. It could be anything or anyone after all. It could be one of drug dealers i ripped off, it could be a regular people i ripped off, it could be some pimps lookin to even the score, it could be the that dealer i stabbed in the hand when he punched me in the face and tried to take the keys outta my car, it could be internet police who sold me some PV and then followed me around all day trying to see if I would sell it, could be a friend of mine ratted me out to reduce a sentence, could be somebody I ratted out coming back for a vengeance burn. Shit man. Could be you, whoever it was, they were evil, and they had my number.
I was caught up in a frenzy of my own fear. I turned off my phone cuz they were tracking my position.
Now at this point I'm gunning it to mom and pops house. The parents live at the end of a dead end street on a culdesac and they live on several heavily wooded and hilly acres and a small valley and river running through it.
I busted right on in the front door shouting about turn off the lights! My life's in danger! At this point I heard the sound of footsteps on the roof. I was seeing weird people running through the house. My parents were 100% freaked out but did not call the cops. They got me calmed down a little bit and then as I was sitting there I got the evil feeling that my parents were in on some shit to bring me down. I was convinced my parents got paid off and it was only a matter of minutes before death was upon me. I was going to get a bullet in the brain... here it comes... Fuck This! I ran and ducked and dodged and rolled into my dads den to get the rifle (My dad has a bolt action scoped 700) I had my hands on it and my parents ran the fuck outta the house and drove off. Meanwhile I turned off all the lights and peered out the corner of a window into the streets in the front of the house. My heart was pumping burning blood through my veins, I was sweating buckets, my pupils were black as pitch. I was a savage animal and I was going to fuckin survive. I was't goin out like a sucka.
My parents were gone too damn long... and now is when fucked up went right to nightmare. I heard a rumbling sound coming the street. A blacked out snow plow pushed up a big embankment of snow all across the road so I wouldn't be able to drive my outta this. At this point I know the cops are involved. At the same time I hear the sound of a helicopter above me and it's hovering low with a spotlight all over the house. Then the cops are on the loudspeakers telling me to come out and lie down, face down in the spotlight. They assure me I am surrounded and they keep repeating it. I'm not coming out. No fuckin way. These guys are gonna waste me and spray me with bullets if I step into that light. This whole thing's a setup. It's a death trap. Bullet in my brain. I'm not goin out like that. Next on the loudspeaker is that "no one is going to get hurt, if I lay down my weapon and come out with my hands up". No way. These guys are liars, they want me dead.
An hour goes by and then I hear rumbling by the front of the house and here comes the snow plow again right up to the driveway with like 4 swat guys in black running in low behind it, using the snow plow as cover from my sniper rounds.
Right now I know I'm dead. For sure. maybe 5 minutes till they breach every door and I breath my last breath on this horrible earth. They'll read about me in the papers - how a troubled gulf war veteran went crazy on amphetamines and barricaded himself in his parents home and killed 2 police before taking his own life. My kids would be fucked up and in therapy forever trying to get over this one.
I dove into the bathroom and closed and locked the door. I heard the sound of the front door breaking in and I knew it was only seconds until the bathroom door gets smashed in and I get bullets in my brain but I'm not goin out like that. I cocked back the bolt on the 770 and chambered a round - sweat gushing out of every pore stinking like PV...my muscles tight like steel... for a second I was happy, I might get one good round off before I die...
Then something unexpected happened... they used a fiber optic scope to peek under the door, it had a little light at the end so they could see what I was up to in there before they busted in. I was like "No Way" and I stood up and kicked the door several times until it cracked the wooden frame and the door broke open, now accepting my death, accepting the bullets into my brain, accepting that this world and my life and struggles, were over now, about to plunge deep into the mystery of the afterlife...
BOOM!
To my confusion, there were no cops to be seen. There was nothing. Only the darkened quiet house.
I still didn't believe it. But I knew that I was fuckin done with this bad dream. I knew that if these were cops, they couldn't kill an unarmed man so I tossed the rifle down and went outside into the bitter cold. I sat down in the driveway. I still did not believe this. I laid down on my stomach and yelled out "I surrender".
I laid there for like 10 minutes. Nothing. I stood up and looked to where the snow plow was and there was nothing. There was no snow piled up in the road. It was quiet and nothing was happening. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.
Yes. Seriously. It was all imagined.
Worst one yet. Beyond psychosis. Beyond hallucination. The things I saw were both entirely realistic, 3-dimensional, tactile, and had loud audio accompaniments. I mean, I don't think skitzofrenics ever even get that bad.
So like, wow. a took a lotta PV. For a while I was certain this batch had to be cut with 2c-i or 2c-e or something because I was rocketed into a conscious world that was teeming with my very unconscious fears incarnate.
So what now? I'm gonna quit this shit or somebody's gonna die. Maybe me, maybe my mom, maybe you.
I thought I had seen the worst life could dish out. I thought I could control this shit. I thought I could control myself. My thoughts, as always, betray me...
This one is going to seem like total bullshit, and honestly I wish it was. I still can not believe what happened this time.
I had a brainstorm called Fuck It, I Wanna Get High. And the shadows delivered a 4-gram package. Since, 1 gram would just never be enough. It only took 36 hours before I was about a gram and a half deep into that demonic powder and the darkest demons on this earth were on my back.
I spent about 2 hours driving in circles like a total maniac trying to dodge these cars that had tinted windows and guys in all dark clothes. I was entirely convinced a shadow agency had finally caught up to me for all the dark deeds I had committed over the years. It could be anything or anyone after all. It could be one of drug dealers i ripped off, it could be a regular people i ripped off, it could be some pimps lookin to even the score, it could be the that dealer i stabbed in the hand when he punched me in the face and tried to take the keys outta my car, it could be internet police who sold me some PV and then followed me around all day trying to see if I would sell it, could be a friend of mine ratted me out to reduce a sentence, could be somebody I ratted out coming back for a vengeance burn. Shit man. Could be you, whoever it was, they were evil, and they had my number.
I was caught up in a frenzy of my own fear. I turned off my phone cuz they were tracking my position.
Now at this point I'm gunning it to mom and pops house. The parents live at the end of a dead end street on a culdesac and they live on several heavily wooded and hilly acres and a small valley and river running through it.
I busted right on in the front door shouting about turn off the lights! My life's in danger! At this point I heard the sound of footsteps on the roof. I was seeing weird people running through the house. My parents were 100% freaked out but did not call the cops. They got me calmed down a little bit and then as I was sitting there I got the evil feeling that my parents were in on some shit to bring me down. I was convinced my parents got paid off and it was only a matter of minutes before death was upon me. I was going to get a bullet in the brain... here it comes... Fuck This! I ran and ducked and dodged and rolled into my dads den to get the rifle (My dad has a bolt action scoped 700) I had my hands on it and my parents ran the fuck outta the house and drove off. Meanwhile I turned off all the lights and peered out the corner of a window into the streets in the front of the house. My heart was pumping burning blood through my veins, I was sweating buckets, my pupils were black as pitch. I was a savage animal and I was going to fuckin survive. I was't goin out like a sucka.
My parents were gone too damn long... and now is when fucked up went right to nightmare. I heard a rumbling sound coming the street. A blacked out snow plow pushed up a big embankment of snow all across the road so I wouldn't be able to drive my outta this. At this point I know the cops are involved. At the same time I hear the sound of a helicopter above me and it's hovering low with a spotlight all over the house. Then the cops are on the loudspeakers telling me to come out and lie down, face down in the spotlight. They assure me I am surrounded and they keep repeating it. I'm not coming out. No fuckin way. These guys are gonna waste me and spray me with bullets if I step into that light. This whole thing's a setup. It's a death trap. Bullet in my brain. I'm not goin out like that. Next on the loudspeaker is that "no one is going to get hurt, if I lay down my weapon and come out with my hands up". No way. These guys are liars, they want me dead.
An hour goes by and then I hear rumbling by the front of the house and here comes the snow plow again right up to the driveway with like 4 swat guys in black running in low behind it, using the snow plow as cover from my sniper rounds.
Right now I know I'm dead. For sure. maybe 5 minutes till they breach every door and I breath my last breath on this horrible earth. They'll read about me in the papers - how a troubled gulf war veteran went crazy on amphetamines and barricaded himself in his parents home and killed 2 police before taking his own life. My kids would be fucked up and in therapy forever trying to get over this one.
I dove into the bathroom and closed and locked the door. I heard the sound of the front door breaking in and I knew it was only seconds until the bathroom door gets smashed in and I get bullets in my brain but I'm not goin out like that. I cocked back the bolt on the 770 and chambered a round - sweat gushing out of every pore stinking like PV...my muscles tight like steel... for a second I was happy, I might get one good round off before I die...
Then something unexpected happened... they used a fiber optic scope to peek under the door, it had a little light at the end so they could see what I was up to in there before they busted in. I was like "No Way" and I stood up and kicked the door several times until it cracked the wooden frame and the door broke open, now accepting my death, accepting the bullets into my brain, accepting that this world and my life and struggles, were over now, about to plunge deep into the mystery of the afterlife...
BOOM!
To my confusion, there were no cops to be seen. There was nothing. Only the darkened quiet house.
I still didn't believe it. But I knew that I was fuckin done with this bad dream. I knew that if these were cops, they couldn't kill an unarmed man so I tossed the rifle down and went outside into the bitter cold. I sat down in the driveway. I still did not believe this. I laid down on my stomach and yelled out "I surrender".
I laid there for like 10 minutes. Nothing. I stood up and looked to where the snow plow was and there was nothing. There was no snow piled up in the road. It was quiet and nothing was happening. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.
Yes. Seriously. It was all imagined.
Worst one yet. Beyond psychosis. Beyond hallucination. The things I saw were both entirely realistic, 3-dimensional, tactile, and had loud audio accompaniments. I mean, I don't think skitzofrenics ever even get that bad.
So like, wow. a took a lotta PV. For a while I was certain this batch had to be cut with 2c-i or 2c-e or something because I was rocketed into a conscious world that was teeming with my very unconscious fears incarnate.
So what now? I'm gonna quit this shit or somebody's gonna die. Maybe me, maybe my mom, maybe you.
At the time it didn't phase me, I look back now and realise how fuckin lucky I actually was. I'm so lucky to be here, I imagine you are too with all the mad crazy shit you've done. What I'm saying is, no matter how deep into our addictions we are, no matter how close we come to meeting our maker, life goes on... whether we like it or not. Make the most of it because we're a long time fuckin dead, and soap my friend that is where you're heading. It ain't fair on your kids love. I'm sure they don't want a dead daddy. What about your parents, I'm sure they'd love to bury their son... NOT! We gotta start thinking about the bigger picture and it ain't just all about us. We both have folk who love us so maybe we should do it for them. I know that goes against the grain, as junkies we're told "do it for yourself, no one else." However, I can't do it for myself, so I have to try n do it for my parents (I don't have kids) and my mum has always been like my best friend. I love her to bits and hate the way my addiction has ruined our relationship. I want her to go to her grave at peace, knowing that her only daughter finally managed to get clean and sort herself out before she died. That would be real nice. I'm not clean yet but I'm in a better place than I was. I can't see my life without heroin and crack so I've had to try and make those two things fit into my life without fuckin it up (a work in progress). Can you fit the peeve into your life without fuckin it up? I'm not sure I can with the smack n crack. If you're like me then you're not gonna want to quit drugs n be clean for the rest of your life. In that case soap, swap which drugs you take. Fuck the uppers love, seriously, before they fuck you completely. This and the above is the only bit of advice I can give you (not that you asked for it) and you probably think it's a load of shit but like me, you haven't got many choices left.
