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RCs good god, MDPV withdrawal after 1000mg binge, seriously?

BIGsherm7272 said:
could be chasing the shadow demons again with a blade lol
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Lets face it, the odds on that are pretty high =D

Hope he's cool though! His posts were so fuckin funny, and the best thing, he didn't even know it. God knows why they're so funny cus at the same time they're so fuckin' sad. Talk about an emotional roller-coaster ride just reading them (think about how poor Soap must feel).

Where are ya man?
 
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as a a fellow stimulant abuser this is one of the best threads i've come across... thanks for the great reads soap.

8o it actually gave me a nice dopamine/noradrenaline rush just reading through your frenetic crazy days and nights 8o
 
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Hello my friends. Well, depending on which side of the fence you're sitting on, I'm either hanging on for dear life in 3-ring circus of flaming hell or I'm struggling at the very beginning of a stairway to heaven; the happy world of joyous sobriety.

More like both if you ask me...

Sober for about 3 weeks now. This is almost as crazy as being spun.
 
Soap MacTavish said:
Hello my friends. Well, depending on which side of the fence you're sitting on, I'm either hanging on for dear life in 3-ring circus of flaming hell or I'm struggling at the very beginning of a stairway to heaven; the happy world of joyous sobriety.

More like both if you ask me...

Sober for about 3 weeks now. This is almost as crazy as being spun.
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It's crazy how you can feel more fucked up when sober, huh?
 
Soap MacTavish said:
Hello my friends. Well, depending on which side of the fence you're sitting on, I'm either hanging on for dear life in 3-ring circus of flaming hell or I'm struggling at the very beginning of a stairway to heaven; the happy world of joyous sobriety.

More like both if you ask me...

Sober for about 3 weeks now. This is almost as crazy as being spun.
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Good work! Keep up the efforts and keep away from the MDPV. While I've loved your anecdotes so far, I think sobriety is far and away the best possible epilogue to that story.
 
Soap MacTavish said:
Hello my friends. Well, depending on which side of the fence you're sitting on, I'm either hanging on for dear life in 3-ring circus of flaming hell or I'm struggling at the very beginning of a stairway to heaven; the happy world of joyous sobriety.

More like both if you ask me...

Sober for about 3 weeks now. This is almost as crazy as being spun.
Click to expand...

Congrats soap, though I've really enjoyed your posts and loved the style and attitude, I can only imagine how much you must have suffered during a lot of that :( i'm working on the sobriety thing myself (about 3 weeks too), though my own stim abuse feels pretty kindergarten compared to yours. Good luck doing whatever it is you decide to do with your life, but I guess the party's got to (reluctantly) be over sometime :/
 
Suicide in reverse.

I felt pretty shitty for wrecking my family and my marriage and all that so I wrote my wife this apology. I don't know or really care too much right now if it gets her back or not. If you don't like the sound of it, you might want to curb your addiction now, if you can...

soap to wife said:


Hey Babe, wish this were on better terms...

I accept that we are over now, and it's my fault.

I accept that we were doomed from the start because of me; I destroy myself and my world, no matter how much I love it.

I accept and understand why you can not respect me; I'm the little man living a lie, the truth had to be covered with a facade at any cost. I'm the little man afraid of judgment, because I'm afraid YOU could see what was INSIDE me...so the little man hid in the shadows. I'm the little man still so sick and addicted to any-fucking-thing that would bring relief from the pain and fear of having to face myself. Why would anybody respect me for being addicted to lust and fucking and people and material. I'm the little man afraid to look you in the eyes because I might be exposed.

I'm a liar, a cheat, a thief, a con, a criminal, an abusive manipulator, a drunk, a speed freak, a homeless heroin addict bankrupting his wife and kids for a 5 minute fix. How could you possibly respect or ever forgive someone who did that? I'm a lazy slob who wants nothing more in life but to do the absolute least and just stay spun out numb forever. I'm a self-seeking coward who wants for the world to just SHUT THE FUCK UP and give me warm comfort and numbness. I chose to be the victim every time and have no balls whatsoever. I'm sloth incarnate who wants to just sleep in forever, stay_asleep_forever. Never wake up because pain and hard work happens when I open these eyes. I run from responsibility and commitment, I run from problems, I run from pain, I run from anything un-fucking-comfortable and seek only soft warm comforts like a baby suckling a nip held in mommy's arms. I am a coward and if I can't have my warm comfort I will kill this body that holds my self-seeking soul. I would rather commit suicide than be doomed to a life lived on life's terms. I Hide behind the cries of children who need a father for a few more precious minutes to sleep in and stay...DEAD. How can I stay dead? How can I stay dead forever? Oh the sweet sweet comfort of never ever having to wake up again, the call to suicide is so seductive, it's like the silent call of sugar... The security of victimhood... The security of self pity... I used these drama's to make mountains out of mole hills so I could stay hidden from the harsh truths beyond - in the land of responsibility and TV. Fuck it, out there anything can happen, but in the secure insanity of my mind, all is safely under control.

Then when the comforts and the drugs and the TV and the hookers and the facades and syringes were all removed all I had left to look at was the wreckage and the horror of a "life" I had lived. And my mind and the child inside me raged out of control and refused; I will destroy this vessel that holds me if I can't have all I wish... I will kill myself... I will commit suicide if I can not have my way...

I was Afraid. So fucking Afraid. At a very early age, Fear, more than anything, became my master. Fear became God. I crowned fear my lord for a reason; I was insanely afraid that I would one day have to face the most horrible thing I could imagine; myself... So with Fear now being my lord and master in charge of every aspect of my life, it disseminated it's dogma and commands to me, and subsequently I became afraid of EVERYTHING, and what I am afraid of, I smash and destroy. And the people closest to me that I could not control I feared most, and hence, received the brunt of my rage. I cut off my nose, to spite my face; I burned another bridge; I killed my better half to save the sick half; The slow suicide of addiction; the only disease that wants the host dead...

I turned in to an impulse-driven raging beast bent on exploiting the most distorted and extreme forms of self satisfaction imaginable. Even now, weeks later, I am still peeling away layers of insanity. I fueled the fires of my discontent and the dark side of my personality to the point of the precipice where only insanity or suicide awaited.

Bottom line is I became a monster.

I see the ripples of pain extending out from me like a rock dropped in a calm pond. The sky is gray, it's raining.

I accept that my lust killed our love. I am deeply deeply sorry.

I still love you, maybe some day you will return to me.



Thanks for listening. God bless.
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Man, i was about to cry, you ruined your family, now defeat your fears and step by step try to become a better man and get back your family.
 
Doesn't defeat his awesome writing style, if I thought there was money in writing I would tell you to use your literary skills for money. I'm sure many boring people would fork over some money if you decided to write a memoir so they could partially partake in your adventures. And so you can recoup some cash for whatever you wanna do with it!

From what your posts display you are a wonderful companion for brief outings of fun and adventure, but display a distaste for long term companionship. Chase what you love, please don't kill yourself or harm others (very much).

If you want to, consider going to a doctor for your own reasons, to see if there is a way to fix what you think is broken. The psych ward ones are probably just going to drone and not care. I hope you aren't really considering suicide more for my own selfish reasons than any other.
 
Get well soon, Soap. I've just recently discovered how more-ish and compulsive this wonderful little stimulant can be, so I can sympathize with your plight. I hope you find healing and peace: deities know you could use plenty of both!
 
This is by far the most insane story I've read. I hope the best for you, Soap.

What happened to him anyway. His lack of updates has me worried.
 
splendide mendax said:
This is by far the most insane story I've read. I hope the best for you, Soap.

What happened to him anyway. His lack of updates has me worried.
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I am guessing (hoping!) he is avoiding Bluelight because he doesn't want to deal with triggers at this early stage of his recovery. I hope he can get over this and rebuild at least some of what he's lost.
 
Soap MacTavish said:
I felt pretty shitty for wrecking my family and my marriage and all that so I wrote my wife this apology. I don't know or really care too much right now if it gets her back or not. If you don't like the sound of it, you might want to curb your addiction now, if you can...
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Wow Soap! That letter to the missus was deep! I can relate to nearly every word you wrote. I too am a car crash waiting to happen (sorry man, that sounds harsh). I fuck up everything (and I mean everything) good that happens in my life... and what for? A lousy high that I always regret afterwards but which I keep on going back to, over and over again. Talk about glutton for punishment.

Soooooo glad to hear you're back and doing good. 3 weeks clean is excellent man. Give it a couple of months and you'll be feeling much better.

Keep us posted man. I love your posts and I love you :)
 
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