Self-harm support thread v. 3

[n3ophy7e]

Yeah I can understand that man. I have always been intrigued to do my own brandings but the risk of infection is too high, it's not worth it in my opinion.
With these recent urges, could you get a new tattoo and see if that quells it for a while??

 

[Dekanozov]

..... back when I was a teenager and up until about 20, I did a lot of branding on my arms. I never did them really deep, just enough to leave a light scar that faded after a couple years. Once I stopped doing that and started getting tattoo's, I never thought of branding again.

now though.... i find myself really considering it, aside from the fact that if I did and my VA doc noticed, well..... it wouldn't be good.

but still.... the urge has been really strong. I'm just wondering if I could pass it off to my docs as something like a tattoo, and not a self-harm suicidal thing. again that would be bad.
hell.... at least they look cool when I did em. lol

There are some body modification places that will do branding for you. It would be something professional that would leave a well-designed scar. Kind of in the same vein as getting a tattoo.
Maybe that would fulfill your desire, and be less dangerous and more socially accepted (to doctors, etc.)

 

[Ixchellian]

branding and cutting is illegal here in florida. shops don't do it. But i understand they do it on campus a lot at the frat houses

I'm *good* at branding.... the scars are flush with the skin, and don't keloid up bad. plus after about 5 years, they fade pretty well.
Or I can get them to stay visible for longer, but the initial scarring is a bit more pronounced.

I've never gotten an infection..... I used to brand for my girlfriends and people in the goth/punk scene I was in. never once did they get an infection.... as long as they did proper aftercare. I'm well aware of infectious-risk..... I was a combat-lifesaver, which is a unit-trained guy just short of being a medic, but more trained than just basic first-aid. I carried a bag with me that had IV catheters, saline, trach-tubes, tape, medic scissors, etc etc etc

Its funny.... after drinking hard on the weekend, late Sunday/early monday, we'd have to be in formation by 0500. So passing out at 0200 meant you'd be hungover as fuck in formation for morning PT.
Not Fun
So I'd take my CLS bag, and I'd hook us up with a saline bag, and we'd pass out. After waking up, those bags would be dry, we'd have to piss like mad crazy..... and absolutely no hangover.

I learned that trick from an Air Assault medic. xD

 

[n3ophy7e]

So I'd take my CLS bag, and I'd hook us up with a saline bag, and we'd pass out. After waking up, those bags would be dry, we'd have to piss like mad crazy..... and absolutely no hangover.

I have known people going through med school who did that trick once or twice. It's very unethical!! But always makes me smile cos it's so cheeky, and it's not doing anyone any harm so why the hell not. As long as it's not a regular thing and the administers know what they're doing, it's fine.

What are the reasons you used to do the brandings on yourself? Was it just for the artwork/body modification aspect of it, or did it start out as an act of self-mutilation in order to gain an endorphin rush?

 

[Ixchellian]

I have known people going through med school who did that trick once or twice. It's very unethical!! But always makes me smile cos it's so cheeky, and it's not doing anyone any harm so why the hell not. As long as it's not a regular thing and the administers know what they're doing, it's fine.

What are the reasons you used to do the brandings on yourself? Was it just for the artwork/body modification aspect of it, or did it start out as an act of self-mutilation in order to gain an endorphin rush?

Ah ya, it worked quite the trick..... Before I joined the Army I'd taken quite a few IV joy-bangs so i knew how to hit a mainline on the first one or two tries, and as a CLS we did lot of regular training and practiced on each other. So hitting us up with IV saline, even while drunk, was a snap.
And I've done a lot of things in my life a lot more unethical than that, so I think its one of the lesser things my soul has to worry about. xD

I started branding not as a means to get a rush, but as a way to deaden the pain of a hard and tragic loss. But when I did it the first time, I had a specific design in mind, and when I was done I was pleased with the results. But I only branded after a painful event, and along with my drug & social habits, it did a pretty good job of things and looked cool besides. It wasn't long before people in my circle and scene noticed, and then i had a pretty good hobby with branding others.
When I started getting ink, and left the scene I just stopped branding.

 

[she is staggering]

I can't believe I'm admiting this, but I first discovered cutting when I was watching an episode of 7th heaven the summer before high school began, and when a character on the show was cutting herself, it triggered something in me. Which is funny because the episode was meant to spread awareness of the harm of self mutilation.

I went immediately into my dads workshop, took a razor, and got to it. I've had a love affair with cutting ever since. I can go for a couple years and not do it but I always go back to it. As mentioned in previous posts, I have been in a deep depression for six months. In the past six months I have had cutting episodes five times or so. Not bad at all. It's just sad to see that at 25 I'm still doing this shit. It seems so...high schoolish to me.

I wear long sleeves or bracelets to hide it from my boyfriend-although he busted me twice in the past 10 months (and was not happy), sometimes I like to purposely let strangers see the cuts, like wearing a short sleeved shirt on a bus or train or whatever. I have no idea why, it certainly is not an attractive look.

 

[littlegirlblue]

Back to the Blade... I wish I could end it all...

So, here I am again...
My fiancee (who played through a video game he found particularly interesting in this last week) has paid very little attention to me sexually during, SURPRISE, the last six days or so. As a self-admitted nympho, I expressed that I needed some loving last evening calmly and with humor. He laughed and consented but stated he needed to rest for awhile first. Okay, understandable, I'm not an unreasonable person when it comes to caring for others. We were relaxed, had no responsibilities, and about seven hours before he had to go to work. He played the game happily until midnight and promptly slept. He had a mid-sleep erection which I tried to engage and was turned down. I figured, "Let the poor guy sleep, and we'll have some morning loving." Of course, when his alarm goes off he says, "I need to rest more," rolls over, and goes back to sleep on the good ole snooze with obviously no intention of giving me the physical and emotional connection I have really needed from him and have missed out on since purchase of said video game. When he wakes I beg and plead for some attention. I state that I am really hurt that he did not take care of my needs when 1) He said he would and 2) It was obsessively playing the video game that has made him loose sleep.
So OF COURSE I whip out the ole reliable box cutter. First time in TWO MONTHS. I had decided to never do it again. But the box cutter doesn't choose video games over me. The box cutter helps channel and outlet similar emotions as sex can for me. Of course, the SF catches me between all of his horrid snooze alarms, says he is going to tell my dad in a snide comment and goes back to sleep. So I cut more. I am SO hurt, disillusioned, all I want to do is keep cutting.
I hate my life. I was determined not to do this again. I wish I had the guts to but up those veins in my arms and just end it all.

 

[panic in paradise]

dont you see why you did this, there are many guesses, mine is that you decided to say"ill show you, watch me hurt, react to me, his pain now too." and what ever ritualistic gratification or endorphin rush.

it sounds like you two need meet in the middle, calmly and respectfully. each speak, each listen, each react, each accept.

both of your actions are unnecessary, and actually destructive to different extents in the end. yes i can imagine the common responses two the both of you, but unfortunately the situations were taken to an unhealthy extreme. dont let this relapse be anything more then a relapse. you know better then i why this is bad. i have done this in another mind, but only 2-3 times, pretty gone at the time - those were indeed dark dark moments in the mirror, imprinted in my mind.

but i dont know the compulsion, and the routine safe zone mind set of it.

you have stopped before, im sure you must know this cant continue, dont worry about messing up and letting that help you justify - know you are stronger then before because you have more experience, and understanding of the process of ceasing this.

let this be, talk to him, make him sit there and talk to you, and grow on.

 

[n3ophy7e]

littlegirlblue, I'm so sorry to hear that you've come to this hun
I'm going to PM you okay?

I can't believe I'm admiting this, but I first discovered cutting when I was watching an episode of 7th heaven the summer before high school began, and when a character on the show was cutting herself, it triggered something in me. Which is funny because the episode was meant to spread awareness of the harm of self mutilation.

I can understand this hun, TV shows can be really triggering. I've even been triggered to cutting in the past after listening to a radio documentary about self-harm.

Your pattern of self-harm sounds similar to mine as well. I usually go for a few years without doing it (despite wanting to/craving it), and then I'll do it again for a little bit, and then quit again. But it's been 21 months since I last cut, and I hope I don't do it again. But having said that, part of me kinda knows that I eventually will. All I (we) can do is try our best to use more effective coping methods when we feel stressed or upset.

 

[Hannah Capps]

I ended up hacking open my skin last night...Not sure why, couldn't find anything sharp so I became creative...A sharp edge of an old CD broken in half, fitting it was a Christian CD from long ago...Once I had hope, once there was something inside that was alive...Some days my soul is alive, other days the life within me is self-hate, doubt, and any other negative adjective one can come up with...With that being said, living this Jackal and Hide hell isn't by any means enjoyable...The side that wants to help others and the other side that can barely help herself...Something has a hold on me, and it goes beyond a chemical depressed state within myself...There is an element of demonic toucher involved, (as if I didn't have enough of that in the home)...Its all of these elements physical and inviable combining to make the perfect storm of chaotic pain...I don't know where I stand any longer, and the hear after isn't something I'm looking forward too ether...Seeing the disappointed face of my Lord, yea, not enjoyable...I've begged him to take me home, destroy me etc...Nothing yet...Hopefully one of these days I'll become fortunate enough to re-join my creator...Till then, I'm suffering...

 

[n3ophy7e]

The afterlife is not something you can ask for, it comes to you when your time is up. Why not focus your time and energy on making this life better and more bearable? Are you in a position where you can move out of home? It sounds like your parents are more harmful to your emotional state, than nurturing. You need to look out for yourself Hannah, you deserve to be happy.

 

[DragonRider97]

Here is something I've noticed, and Dragnfyr even talked about it some.

I was a binge drinker as a teenager, every single weekend without fail, and some during the week before school usually (the beginnings of my alcoholic career), and at that time of my life I was into piercing and self mutilation (cutting, branding, etc) This lasted almost the entire time I was a wet alcoholic, until 1996 when I quit drinking. After that I noticed that the whole piercing and self mutilation thing sort of lost its charm for me. I began working out regularly and leading a much healthier lifestyle, and the old habits just sort of drifted away. I pulled out my earings, my nipple rings, (Kept my PA though...the little missus just enjoys that one too much). So okay, life is good, endorphines functioning normally, then five years ago, I'm working with my horse and we have a bad accident, the horse flips, I slip a disk in my neck, and wind up with a nice little Hyco monkey on my back, wouldn't have been so bad, but they cut me off (Texas pain med policy is a fucking joke) so I move on to Poppy Tea (The only semi-legal alternative I can find). Well after three years of constant poppy tea usage I'm quiting (day 6 of withdrawls) and I'm almost in wonderment that I haven't had the urge to mutilate myself?

Do opiates not have the same endorphine reduction that alcohol has? I'm almost flumoxed that I'm not wanting to shove a sixteen penny nail through my nipple or something...

 

[n3ophy7e]

Alcohol and opiates act on the same type of receptors so in that respect they have similar mechanism of action, therefore I would assume that they'd have a similar effect on endorphin reduction. But this brings me back to a question I came up with in a different thread about endorphins. The question was basically: Are there specific endorphins which are released when we perform a specific activity, e.g. endorphins for sex, endorphins for pain, endorphins for exercise, etc etc. I couldn't come up with an answer in my research because I don't think anyone knows...endorphins are yet to be fully researched and understood.

I am guessing that perhaps you've just moved on from the concept of self-mutilation. You're older and presumably more experienced with dealing with your emotions, so over time you've adopted more effective coping strategies. Which is great!
Do you think this sounds plausible? Have you had any urges to self-harm at all?

 

[DragonRider97]

Thank you for your reply:

No, and it sort of shocked me, when I quite drinking i was 27 yrs old, and the urge to hurt myself was fairly active until I began to work out and lead a healthier lifestyle (had a child, changed everything in my life), but I knew the endorphine relationship with self inflicted pain, it just slowly bled away the longer I stayed sober and began working out, but when I had my accident on my horse I quit working out, got hooked on the opiates, and that has been about a four-five year monkey now, I'm on day 7 of POD withdrawals and I know my endorphines are low because I'm not sleeping well at all, but I'm just kindof surprised that I haven't had the urge to grab a blade...

You're probably right, simple maturity, I'm attending AA meetings, praying alot, still withdrawing a bit, but it's getting better...

 

[paranoid android]

Alcohol and opiates act on the same type of receptors so in that respect they have similar mechanism of action, therefore I would assume that they'd have a similar effect on endorphin reduction. But this brings me back to a question I came up with in a different thread about endorphins. The question was basically: Are there specific endorphins which are released when we perform a specific activity, e.g. endorphins for sex, endorphins for pain, endorphins for exercise, etc etc. I couldn't come up with an answer in my research because I don't think anyone knows...endorphins are yet to be fully researched and understood.

It seems ive always been attracted to anything that created that rush wheather it was drugs, sex, really dangerous stupid shit like fighting or driving my bike at speeds that youd have trouble keeping a car on the road with, stealing (i was a hard working theif at one point) and such and such. This also goes with the drugs i loved over the years such as alcohol, opiates and to a much lesser extent cocaine/crack and amphetamines. I never got addicted to the uppers but this was probably only due to the horrendous comedowns i get that have only gotten worse over the years.

I think it most likely has something to do with dopamine as well and fuck knows what else. Even today when im in a situation where violence is more often then not going to break out i can still feel that rush that says get in and start swinging. I was always fearless in regards to this growing up which is probably why noone ever picked on me for long. Id put a stop to it no matter how big the other guy was by one means or another.

The same thing happened with cutting and stuff like that. For some reason this type of pain much like the pain you get from exercising or after id get in a scrap actually felt good in a sick sort of way. Unlike the pain i get that is no fault of my own such as headaches, stomach troubles, etc.

 

[Ixchellian]

It seems ive always been attracted to anything that created that rush whether it was drugs, sex, really dangerous stupid shit like fighting or driving my bike at speeds that youd have trouble keeping a car on the road with, stealing........

I think it most likely has something to do with dopamine as well and fuck knows what else. Even today when im in a situation where violence is more often then not going to break out i can still feel that rush that says get in and start swinging.

It's funny.... I was into the same shit. Drugs, sex, guns, knives, sharp sticks, fast cars, doing really stupid shit in Detroit.... But I was never violent.

Up until I joined the Army, I'd only been in one fight in my life (when I was 10 IIRC), and by then I was 23. But I did talk my way out of many potential fights.... and when I walked away from an almost certain violence, I got a huge rush out of the adrenaline and stuff.
Not that I was totally defenseless. I knew how to use the blade and the sidearm, and I always carried both. Shit, it was Detroit, you never knew WTF a party night would bring. Never once though did I pull my gun or blade as a deterrent or threat, because that's an escalation of things, and how people get shot/stabbed with their own weapons. Almost nobody knew I carried a .357 Model 66 S&W, and a Sykes-Fairbairn dagger. The only time anyone would've seen them, would've been if I was seriously in trouble, and only then to use 'em.

But even without touching them.... when facing up to a totally dopefucked gack-freak, or a plain ol' belligerent drunk, just the knowledge that I had their lives in my hands (and they didn't know it) was intoxicating.

I still love pain, but only as long as *I* can control it, on my terms. And branding filled that niche perfectly. Hmmmmmmm

 

[Help me please]

littlegirlblue, why not use that box cutter to cut the wires on his game system. I was a cutter 40 years ago and recently have done a bit for attention. It's stupid though isn't it? I mean why cut our bodies. It leaves scars on my tats which pisses me off. Next time I get the urge I'll go cut some wires under the hood of husband's truck

 

[Ixchellian]

Next time I get the urge I'll go cut some wires under the hood of husband's truck

Them thar's fightin' words! Never mess with a man's truck!

(although it's funny to wrap zipties around a driveshaft or axle in a place where the end whacks against the frame or body, it'll drive him nuts. Or the dead fish on stuffed top of catalytic converter, self-explanatory)
(oh wait..... did I just say that?!?)
(yes you did, asshole. Thanks for giving up our secret pranks)

 

[paranoid android]

It's funny.... I was into the same shit. Drugs, sex, guns, knives, sharp sticks, fast cars, doing really stupid shit in Detroit.... But I was never violent.

Up until I joined the Army, I'd only been in one fight in my life (when I was 10 IIRC), and by then I was 23. But I did talk my way out of many potential fights.... and when I walked away from an almost certain violence, I got a huge rush out of the adrenaline and stuff.
Not that I was totally defenseless. I knew how to use the blade and the sidearm, and I always carried both. Shit, it was Detroit, you never knew WTF a party night would bring. Never once though did I pull my gun or blade as a deterrent or threat, because that's an escalation of things, and how people get shot/stabbed with their own weapons. Almost nobody knew I carried a .357 Model 66 S&W, and a Sykes-Fairbairn dagger. The only time anyone would've seen them, would've been if I was seriously in trouble, and only then to use 'em.

But even without touching them.... when facing up to a totally dopefucked gack-freak, or a plain ol' belligerent drunk, just the knowledge that I had their lives in my hands (and they didn't know it) was intoxicating.

I still love pain, but only as long as *I* can control it, on my terms. And branding filled that niche perfectly. Hmmmmmmm

Haha detroit oh man even id tred carefully there. I was in countless fights growing up as it kinda goes with the culture here and when i grew up the town i lived in was alot more violent then it is today. Or atleast thats my perception of it or maybe im just cynical of young people who pull a knife or even a gun in a otherwise fair fight. We never used those growing up but often when we fought other crews baseball bats or bike chains came out. Ive only once had to pull a blade and that was only to stop 2 cunts who where 5 years older then me and twice my size from picking on me. I had to stop it at that because it would have escalated into something much worse had i not.

I wasent the biggest guy growing up but people seldom messed with me as they knew id fight them no matter how big they where. Sadly that rep still follows me to this day which is both a good thing and a bad thing. The good thing is i don't get messed with the bad thing is people are afraid of me for no reason which makes me kinda sad since i don't go out of my way to bother anyone. Hell even today when i drink which i rarely do i don't get violent unless it's in self defense and even then i try and reason with the guy. Thankfully this seldom happens anymore since im not really into the bar scene these days because it's just too damn depressing.

I always had a theory that all these activities where somewhat related. Really anything that was exciting or dangerous appealed to me. I cut myself a few times when i was like 13 and this was way before emo came out! Granted anyone who thinks that cutting themselves is fucking cool or trendy is a complete twat in my opinion. I always felt depressed alot as far back as i can remember and it wasent until i was 24 that i was actually diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Looking back if i had been diagnosed earlier my life may have been alot easier but oh well what can ya do

 

[Sprout]

Well; I've kinda tried to steer clear of this topic for a while, just to basically remove cutting from my life - and that isn't working at all. I've cut about 8 times since I last posted here, and none of them have been "small" or "minor", I hit the tissue and muscle again in my arm if anyone cares to remember?
In that time I've actually pretty much blacked out twice now; and that's led me back here, the first time I was alone in the house for the weekend, I don't remember anything past 7pm on the friday, but I woke up at 4am Saturday in the bathroom with cuts up my leg and arm. Today the same thing happened but to a lesser extent, I have pretty severe cuts on my wrist and thigh that I have zero recollection of doing.
Note I very scarcely touch drugs any more, and none of them are benzos so they aren't to blame.

Well that's my story....