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If You are Thinking about Suicide, Please Read This

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Everytime someone takes the time to care about me it makes me uncomfortable. I feel so weird when people actually care about me, because even my parents didn't. every beautiful girl that falls for me makes me feel trapped and i have to stop her from liking me. I think i am incapable of loving anyone who hasn't had the pain in their life like i go through.

I am comfortably numb and uncomfortable in love and the self caused loneliness causes severe depression at times. Somedays the sadness makes me want to do destructive things. im trapped in endless work/school and no opportunity for mental rest. i pray to a god to just end my life for someone elses because i'm too scared to do it.
 
I know how you feel

BrahamCracker said:
Everytime someone takes the time to care about me it makes me uncomfortable. I feel so weird when people actually care about me, because even my parents didn't. every beautiful girl that falls for me makes me feel trapped and i have to stop her from liking me. I think i am incapable of loving anyone who hasn't had the pain in their life like i go through.

I am comfortably numb and uncomfortable in love and the self caused loneliness causes severe depression at times. Somedays the sadness makes me want to do destructive things. im trapped in endless work/school and no opportunity for mental rest. i pray to a god to just end my life for someone elses because i'm too scared to do it.
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well,let me start by saying that you are loved and ur life has purpose.I don't do religion-i connect with everyone and everything I come in contact with.Sounds like you have some serious battles inside of you...one side torn against the other.the same goes for the heart.your profile reads as tough you are confident and determined and that is what you need right now.
your profile said you were a 20 yr old film major-use your art to express that insanity that builds up.you are in college and active there from what I derived.
you should also have a school counselor that you can see.do your parents have you listed as a dependent bc if they do you should be covered under their insurance.I don't know your current situation,.but the grass is always greener.
you are in the prime of your life.if you are athletic, add an extra set or two of whatever.If you feel like crying cry-do not keep it inside of you....its poison.you have to let it out.I highly recommend seeking professional treatment.Therapy and meds have kept me in check for over 10 years.you need to find a licensed therapist AT LEAST.you are young and although you are covered in the rain of a terrible storm-this too shall pass.don't give up on yourself.you make the choice to live life to the fullest and you do the next right thing.check out meetings or support groups at school.it isn't shameful-it takes a brave soul to ask for help.I am proud of you-and I am a total stranger.love yourself.find someone to talk to.let that poison out of you bc if you don't it will eat you alive.

the name is skillz and you may PM me at any time.keep talking about it...let it out...catharsis is beautiful and so r u my friend...you are in a good community here on bluelight.kindred spirits that know you pain......YOU ARE WORTH LOVING YOURSELF.
this is the first step...admitting you are hurting.now get professional help-at least an evaluation.don't sweat the small stuff bc life is lovely.

I hope to see you around-drop me a PM if you want to talk.

much peace and love....................skillz<3
 
good wait, you are doing an ass load of hard work, it will pay off, it must be for a reason. do you believe that you will have an opportunity for mental rest, eventually?

i know i will eventually, doctors keep telling me i will, eventually. in the past 2 years, with relief here and there of course; but not a comforting, reflective, sabbatical which will come. just as sure as all this chaos arrived, peace and pace will come.

this time of your life will become a memory, one you will be able to relate to others who were, or are in the same situation years from now with statements like " school fkin sucked, especially working full time.... god im still glad that is all over with. "

if you have any plan on or have kids, you can tell them you did the same thing, and this is how, realistically.

i hope you start to find some sort of healthy relief/outlet soon, i really do, pm me if there is anything i might be able to try and do that could be of any help...
 
fivelinefury said:
I feel like crap and need someone to talk to. My dad just found out I had been obtaining benzos behind everyones back and at the moment i've had it. I have a box of phenergan, box of anti-depressants, about 100mg of diazepam and feel like suicide.
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Damn i really hope he comes back and posts something. last activity was 15 minutes after his post, 3 days ago.


To anyone considering suicide - I've been there too. Life goes on. Pain fades (mental anyways). A long time ago I came to a point where I was done. Made a suicide "gesture" (took a bunch of pills... 28 advil isn't enough).

Three days later had a knife to my throat. almost opened it... almost. my hand hesitated for some reason right before i was gonna slit my own throat. Something changed inside me, from that day on I lived only to do what made me happy.
I figured I could always go back and kill myself, but I can never reanimate myself. So I set out and became a different person - one who is VERY happy to be alive.

hang in there guys. Even if your situation is that bad, don't you think at least running away from it all and living in the forest off the land is a better plan than ceasing existence?
 
Getting depressive/BPD symptoms once again. My parents don't seem to believe me when I tell them I want to kill myself. They just say "you're seeking attention" or "we've heard this all before". Maybe I need to do something to show them I'm serious. For a start, I think I'll go get a will written tomorrow, then give them a copy before I consider my next move...
 
^^^ Very sorry for my previous post and not being back on recently guys. I am obviously alive. I did end up taking a few phenergan, but in the end with the intention of just getting sleep and waking up to "a new day". Sorry. Now I feel silly after that.
 
well, thankfully no worries.

do feel ''silly" or embarrassed, this is unfortunately part of life at times, and its good you were able to get some of whats going on inside you out here at least. we dont know you, we cant judge you, its almost impossible to feel skrewed up and not normal in places like this, because we go through the same things :D thats why we are here, TDS, is... TDS.

so be it.



well i hope this day is better :) and if not... well be here tomorrow too ;)
 
Sweet P said:
I've decided that I don't want to live to reach my 25th birthday, which is only a month away. I don't wanna live a quarter century and have absolutely nothing to show for it. That's my new goal, in a way.
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Hey Sweet P. I feel the same way sort of, plus as of now i'm a month away from 25, basically with nothing at all. Had to quit my job, almost lost my car, have no money from past gambling problems, am single, etc. I majorly screwed up my diazepam taper once again (about 1000mg in 2 weeks after being off it for a week), and back onto my perscribed 10mg taper tomorrow.

I know what the strong terrible feelings are, but i'm just going to try from now on to do and think what gives me some sort of happyness. Even if I end up, say wanting to get a new job before fixing my diazepam problem, i've come to the conclusion now that whatever I do to be happy myself, eventhough others may not agree with it, it doesn't bother me.

Take it easy mate.
 
Sweet P said:
Getting depressive/BPD symptoms once again. My parents don't seem to believe me when I tell them I want to kill myself. They just say "you're seeking attention" or "we've heard this all before". Maybe I need to do something to show them I'm serious. For a start, I think I'll go get a will written tomorrow, then give them a copy before I consider my next move...
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your parents care about u, they just want u to get rid of your addiction and to start living a normal life with real goals and ambitions. They want to see you amount to something and to be happy and stable when they are gone. Parents always see us as there little 10 year old kids. They want you to be healthy and have a stable job when they are gone. They are the only people in this world who truly care for you. To end your life just to show them is the most painful thing in the world you can do to them. You just don't realize it right now because of all your other problems. Please get better, if not for yourself, then at least for them It takes one minute to change your life, no matter how bad the problem is.
 
^ Thanks, but even if I manage to get rid of my addictions, it'll be impossible for me to have a normal life with goals and ambitions. I have major depressive disorder and borderline personality disorder which aren't responsive to medication or therapy... so it looks like I'll be battling them for the rest of my life. It's a battle I don't think I have the strength to win.
 
Sweet P said:
^ Thanks, but even if I manage to get rid of my addictions, it'll be impossible for me to have a normal life with goals and ambitions. I have major depressive disorder and borderline personality disorder which aren't responsive to medication or therapy... so it looks like I'll be battling them for the rest of my life. It's a battle I don't think I have the strength to win.
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sweet P you can win this battle. There are people in this world who have had much worse cards dealt to them, next to impossible odds, yet they came out on top. The stories are endless, just take the time to research these stories and watch the inspiration you get from them. I guarantee you that you will make it through to the other side. You don't need years, you don't need months, you can make all this happen for yourself right now. I swear by god. I have severe depression and OCD as well. It is all in the mind, it does not affect your actions if you don't want it to. Forget what's in the mind, leave it there, be mindful of it, but do not let it affect any of your actions. You have so much potential and so much to offer to the world, don't let any disease get in the way, none whatsoever. The balls in your court, take the drastic measures not only for your parents but also for yourself. Life is beautiful, we all have flaws and weaknesses ( insecurities or diseases) but don't let them hold you back. The stories are endless, make your life one them stories. You know how much better your mother will sleep at night knowing that you are living life again?
 
BrahamCracker said:
Everytime someone takes the time to care about me it makes me uncomfortable. I feel so weird when people actually care about me, because even my parents didn't. every beautiful girl that falls for me makes me feel trapped and i have to stop her from liking me. I think i am incapable of loving anyone who hasn't had the pain in their life like i go through.

I am comfortably numb and uncomfortable in love and the self caused loneliness causes severe depression at times. Somedays the sadness makes me want to do destructive things. im trapped in endless work/school and no opportunity for mental rest. i pray to a god to just end my life for someone elses because i'm too scared to do it.
Click to expand...


I wanted to let you know you aren't alone.


I've been single for over a year now, and it is not for lack of guys trying. I've actually gotten rid of at least two guys who were beyond amazing because I just don't know how to let someone like me. With the last guy, I thought maybe if I pushed myself hard enough I could make it work, but it didn't happen and I ended up hurting him.

I guess I don't have an answer on how to fix it, but I wanted to let you know that others struggle with this too.
 
Sweet P said:
^ Thanks, but even if I manage to get rid of my addictions, it'll be impossible for me to have a normal life with goals and ambitions. I have major depressive disorder and borderline personality disorder which aren't responsive to medication or therapy... so it looks like I'll be battling them for the rest of my life. It's a battle I don't think I have the strength to win.
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Hmm, yeah it sux big time mate, and it sounds close to my situation. Eventhough I am aware of that "window" so to speak that everyone tells me about, where ever the hell it is, like you I am starting to beleive I am just better off to not change because I can't win and whenever I try I can't function mentally and physically as I need to, am not the person I feel I want to be. I do believe that anything is possible, but yeah I certainly have a feeling of what you mean there.
 
^ Yeah it just seems like the odds are stacked against me too much. I mean, how the hell is a drug addicted tranny with multiple mental illnesses meant to have a normal life? I've tried and tried, but got nowhere. And when I look ahead, I just see more of the same. So there's not much point in continuing, is there?
 
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Aww don't say that Sweet P :( . I was a right fucking mess when i was 25 too and although im not great now by any means i know that life ain't futile and that you often find happiness when you least expect it.

So please don't give up on it. Hit me up on msn too no matter if im away busy or what. Thats usually just to keep other people away ;) .
 
^ Thanks, PA. I'm thinking of going back to bed for a while, but I'll hit you up on MSN if I'm back online later. :)
 
Sweet P said:
^ Yeah it just seems like the odds are stacked against me too much. I mean, how the hell is a drug addicted tranny with multiple mental illnesses meant to have a normal life? I've tried and tried, but got nowhere. And when I look ahead, I just see more of the same. So there's not much point in continuing, is there?
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Well one thing I can say Sweet P, what is a normal life? I don't live a "normal" life and I beleive there is no norm. It has taken me 6 years, but now that I have no job I have finally actually gone 3 months without gambling, which to me doesn't even seem real considering 2 thirds of my income was wasted on that, and the rest for substances, alcohol and bills which were payable. At this point I drink about 42 beers a week, and am still after all this never ending time moving towards the hope of being free from benzo addiction. I find the hardest thing for me is time. I have sucessfully quit many different substances over the past few years, eventhough to this day I do not know how, but I think alot of it is time. I can't say I know your situation by all means, but I can say if I can make changes in time, then anyone can. Take it easy.
 
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