Ok for anyone who wants to tell me taking Benzos while you are in the midst of a Bad Trip is the "wrong thing to do", listen to what my bad trips are like.
I consider myself fairly self educated on drugs. I have done my own hundreds of hours reading Erowid and other such things... I am also a highly creative person, extremely musically gifted with a huge imagination. I also have a somewhat anxious and serious personality at times.
My bad trips are worse than I could ever have imagined, and from what I read of other peoples trips they seem to be pretty hardcore.
First time I had a bad trip was on acid. I didnt know the dose I had taken was extremely strong, as the person I bought it from was dodgy. At first the hallucinations just came on extremely strong. I was in a very good and stable mood with friends at a hometown rave. I dealt with the hallucinations positively and calmly, and they continued to flourish evermore as time rolled by.
Eventually it became so that every single thing in my vision, every blade of grass, every branch on every tree, was moving and morphing into something else. The leaves on trees became millions and millions of balooning little faces, each different (believe that if you can) each with varying expressions that were rapidly changing. The bricks on a wall were all changing into different colours and shapes and bouncing in and out rapidly. The sky was multicoloured. The ground divided up into infinate patterns; I saw brown crocodiles wallowing through a grid which was the muddy ground beneath my feet.
All this while I remained calm and somewhat amazed and delighted.
It was on the dancefloor porbably half an hour later than things got wierd. It had started raining and I was unaware. People were telling me, "come under the shelter youre soaking wet!!" to which id say, "oh, is it raining?"
I had completely lost my mind and had utterly no idea that i was on a drug. I kept wondering where I was... what was I supposed to be doing? Was I here to dance? The rain kept falling and I had no idea.. id shut my eyes for half a second and my mind would race and id be lost in some sort of other dimention for hours and hours.. then id open my eyes and see my arms and legs and masses of multicoloured people in a wiggling, shape shifting world.. I was utterly confused. I didnt know who I was. I couldnt remember my own name. I didnt know if my body was breathing. I didnt know anything about anything. All information I had ever aquired throughout my life was fallen down around me, nothing connected. I didnt know how to breath. I could see that my body was disjointed into different globlets of goo. My friends turned into demons and witches and all the land was crying and screaming. Nothing would stop MOVING. My mind had disolved into infinate realities and possibilities.
Meanwhile, in the "real" world.. my friends had carried me and put me into a car because they were all severely worried about me after i couldnt even manage to walk or drink water. I lay there squirming in the front seat in utter agony for about 2 hours. Nothing can explain the agony and terror and fear.. it was beyond anything.. I ended up saying "I just want to die.. I have been in this trip for thousands of years.. I want to die."
No-one had any valium to give me.
Anyway... the next day, when I FINALLY came down, my brain felt like it had been coated in cotton wool.. fried.. I sat around for half the day with absolutely NO THOUGHTS running through my mind.. i was a zombie. I could not string sentences together. It took me months and months before I was able to get back my oppinions on things. My short term memory was utterly FUCKED and I constanty had an "empty brain" where id literally sit there thinking of NOTHING.
I felt like i had no soul and couldnt remember what it was like before my bad trip.
Its almost two years now and I am pretty much back to normal.
But dont fucking tell me I needed to "deal with my inner issues." Fucking hell. I needed valium!! Anything but that utter insanity and terror. If my friends hadnt been there i would have killed my physical body to free myself from the torment.
