TDS Eating Disorders Megathread

[xxkcxx]

That is a good question and I'm not really sure.

Sometimes, it's like weed, where I am really just eating to eat, but at the same time, in other cases it really is that I don't have any appetite while I am off of it until my body reregulates itself after a few days.

 

[mrs_mia_wallace]

Yeah. I would start to monitor you hunger levels more closely to get back in touch with your body. My nutritionsist used to have be write down how hungry I was before I ate anything and after, just to start to notice patterns and think about what "hunger" really is. It helped a lot actually. I find food journals are also really helpful, even if from a guilt standpoint, because then you have to look at them at the end of the day and see you either failed (ate too much or too little) or you succeeded.

I think what partly happens is that when you're binging you're not binging from hunger you're binging in the same way as you're using a drug, to make you feel better and get a "high" from the food. In the beginning drugs help because you're so anti-food, but as you continue using binging becomes more frequent because you miss food and it still "helps" you in the moment to eat it, and the appetite suppresent effect weakens.

I just got my bone density results from a test a little while ago (came in the mail yesterday and my bitch roommate decided to just leave it under a pile of magazines in the kitchen). My t-score is fucking -2.7. I have osteoporosis. I' am 21 year olds and I have the body of a 65 year old woman.

Fuck.

 

[belarki]

I just got my bone density results from a test a little while ago (came in the mail yesterday and my bitch roommate decided to just leave it under a pile of magazines in the kitchen). My t-score is fucking -2.7. I have osteoporosis. I' am 21 year olds and I have the body of a 65 year old woman.

Fuck.

Awww mia *hugs*. You need to be careful! *wraps mia up in cotton wool and pillows*!!!!!

You are right about over-exercising potentially becoming part of an ED and an obsession in and of itself. That is a risk. It did help me in reducing the guilt I felt when eating lots though; especially with resistance training. I agree with your comments about making an eating plan / dietary regime too; good advice if you can stick to it. Regular and small meals are the sensible way to go but if it were that easy none of us would be posting in this thread right?

I doubt the speed binge helped me, but while it was a large amount, it was only over like 4 days. The comedown probably has something to do with this, but i don't know, it doesnt make it easier.

I rarely find speed (or thermogenic weight loss supps for that matter) help me much because there's always the rebound hunger afterwards and the complete lack of energy when you're sober again.

I also remember reading that you absorb a significant amount of energy from the food but small amount of nutrients before purging too. It's just not worth it for so many reasons. I'm still struggling myself though Have you considered food that's either hard to bring back up (like peanut butter - yumm!) or food that's filling with low calories like clear soups etc? (I'm in a miso phase at the moment, also yumm!)

 

[mrs_mia_wallace]

Awww mia *hugs*. You need to be careful! *wraps mia up in cotton wool and pillows*!!!!!

You are right about over-exercising potentially becoming part of an ED and an obsession in and of itself. That is a risk. It did help me in reducing the guilt I felt when eating lots though; especially with resistance training. I agree with your comments about making an eating plan / dietary regime too; good advice if you can stick to it. Regular and small meals are the sensible way to go but if it were that easy none of us would be posting in this thread right?



I rarely find speed (or thermogenic weight loss supps for that matter) help me much because there's always the rebound hunger afterwards and the complete lack of energy when you're sober again.

I also remember reading that you absorb a significant amount of energy from the food but small amount of nutrients before purging too. It's just not worth it for so many reasons. I'm still struggling myself though Have you considered food that's either hard to bring back up (like peanut butter - yumm!) or food that's filling with low calories like clear soups etc? (I'm in a miso phase at the moment, also yumm!)

I just can't believe it happened so fast-- I had a bone density scan like a year ago and I had severe osteopenia (but I've had that since I was 13 1/2) but my t-score was not at osteoperosis yet... it hasn't really hit me I'm still in shock I guess. I called my dad and told him I needed to talk to him so I'm supposed to go for drinks with him tomorrow, he's going to be really upset and angry but even though as of today I have MEDICAL INSURANCE I know he will pay for everything above and beyond what my insurance could possibly give me. And I really don't want to be a hunched over 25 year old who needs a cane to walk to the bathroom.

I am scared, really scared.

Following the meal plan is a whole different problem but for me, if there is no specific plan with calories and portion sizes and specific foods to follow, it's hopeless. So got to start somewhere

 

[xxkcxx]

I just can't believe it happened so fast-- I had a bone density scan like a year ago and I had severe osteopenia (but I've had that since I was 13 1/2) but my t-score was not at osteoperosis yet... it hasn't really hit me I'm still in shock I guess. I called my dad and told him I needed to talk to him so I'm supposed to go for drinks with him tomorrow, he's going to be really upset and angry but even though as of today I have MEDICAL INSURANCE I know he will pay for everything above and beyond what my insurance could possibly give me. And I really don't want to be a hunched over 25 year old who needs a cane to walk to the bathroom.

I am scared, really scared.

Following the meal plan is a whole different problem but for me, if there is no specific plan with calories and portion sizes and specific foods to follow, it's hopeless. So got to start somewhere

Wow, mia.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with that.

I don't know much about osteoporosis, is there treatment? Can it get better or at least stabilize? *goes to do some reading*

Congrats on the medical insurance! That must feel great, though it seems like you have a great relationship with your dad too That is most important.

Just stay positive about the meal plan. This news about the osteoporosis is scary...but fear can be a good thing because it can motivate us to make the changes we need to XOXO

 

[belarki]

I just can't believe it happened so fast-- I had a bone density scan like a year ago and I had severe osteopenia (but I've had that since I was 13 1/2) but my t-score was not at osteoperosis yet... it hasn't really hit me I'm still in shock I guess. I called my dad and told him I needed to talk to him so I'm supposed to go for drinks with him tomorrow, he's going to be really upset and angry but even though as of today I have MEDICAL INSURANCE I know he will pay for everything above and beyond what my insurance could possibly give me. And I really don't want to be a hunched over 25 year old who needs a cane to walk to the bathroom.

I am scared, really scared.

Following the meal plan is a whole different problem but for me, if there is no specific plan with calories and portion sizes and specific foods to follow, it's hopeless. So got to start somewhere

Good to hear you have insurance and medical expenses won't be an issue Have you spoken to your doctor about the long-term prognosis, how much could be reversible with the correct diet etc? (sorry I’m with kc on not knowing much about osteoporosis – off to wiki I go!) You’re vegan right; rangrz was offering to tailor dietary plans for people, perhaps he could whip you up an appropriate one?

Don’t be too scarred. In the worst case scenario let’s say you do have to use a walking cane to get to the bathroom at 25. So what? I’m sure there are plenty of people who would love you for being you regardless of whether you had a walking cane, wheelchair, or a human-sized hamster bubble ball

This news about the osteoporosis is scary...but fear can be a good thing because it can motivate us to make the changes we need to XOXO

Quoting for emphasis!

 

[Pillthrill]

OK. I stayed out of here talking about my weight issues and taken it somewhere else because I'm afraid 1. I don't belong here really.... 2. I might be harmful to others here. I might come in and read and offer support. I hope that it helps. Do those of you that struggle with ED think this was a good course of action cause I don't think I have at least a conscious ED. Although I can see myself as fat just like every other woman, other times I am sickened by how thin I am when pointed out to me. I just wanted a little feedback to make sure. I just wanna do my best regarding others.
Much love for you all I hope you can continue or start to get better.
Claire, I miss talking to you. Hope you aren't upset with me. I kinda consider you a friend dear and enjoy your personality, plus I think you are beautiful.

 

[xxkcxx]

PT,

We are here for support, not to judge whether your ED is "hardcore" enough or however you want to put it.

Personally, thinking that my drug use, self-injury and ED behaviors weren't "bad" enough to talk about, got me into a lot of trouble. I think I subconsciously tried to one up the girls I thought were worse just so I felt worthy of sharing the very real pain I felt. I don't want ANYONE else to go through that.

If you feel the need to share, please share.

I can't speak for anyone else, but when I read the stories others put in here, it doesn't hurt me. It either helps or kinda just goes over my head (by that I mean I know it should somehow make me think about the shit I do, but I kinda just try to not let it. Usually cause I'm not ready to look at that aspect of my life ).

I mean, we aren't really sharing the "glamorous" side of EDs (which there is not anyway, but some very misinformed people think there is).

 

[Draigan]

Ive had an eating disorder since I was 15. I have eaten insane amounts of really rich food to give me comfort and relieve fear. I am known to eat like 1.5 gallon icecream and then more crap ontop of that. Its that kind of shit that I have been doing for years.

These days I am doing a lot better though and I really want to feel good and not depressed, so being healthy and eating right is all part of that.

I just can't sacrifice my happiness for pleasure anymore. I am just so fucking fed up with it.

Gl BLers

 

[Pillthrill]

PT,

We are here for support, not to judge whether your ED is "hardcore" enough or however you want to put it.

Personally, thinking that my drug use, self-injury and ED behaviors weren't "bad" enough to talk about, got me into a lot of trouble. I think I subconsciously tried to one up the girls I thought were worse just so I felt worthy of sharing the very real pain I felt. I don't want ANYONE else to go through that.

If you feel the need to share, please share.

I can't speak for anyone else, but when I read the stories others put in here, it doesn't hurt me. It either helps or kinda just goes over my head (by that I mean I know it should somehow make me think about the shit I do, but I kinda just try to not let it. Usually cause I'm not ready to look at that aspect of my life ).

I mean, we aren't really sharing the "glamorous" side of EDs (which there is not anyway, but some very misinformed people think there is).

Thanks for the imput but I wanna make sure to hear from most of the regulars. I NEVER want to be a negative influence on anyone, its just not who I am. I am a person of love and compassion, for better or worse.

 

[mrs_mia_wallace]

Thanks for the support guys.

I don't know the specifics of how to treat it, everytime I look it up online I just keep finding sites saying "preventing osteoporosis." I guess I should not be surprised, since I was eleven years old the two things doctors have always been telling me to scare me into getting better are "do you want to develop osteoperosis?" and "do you want to become infertitle?" (both causes of anorexia). I've got the first and there's a 90% chance I'll never be able to conceive so I guess they'll have to come up with new scare tactics....

I didn't use today and didn't really follow a meal plan, just starved and felt like shit despite xanax. I got through work and went out with my dad for drinks, told him about the osteoporosis-- he didn't get angry which was what I was expecting, just really depressed and hopeless looking. He told me he was going to call his doctor and find out "most qualified" (meaning most expensive ) doctor would be for me to see, then proceeded to get wasted and not be able to drive home.

I came home and binged and have been crying in my room for the last 45 minutes, feeling fat and guilty and depressed. I hate food more than anything in the world, more than I could ever hate meth or heroin, I hate that this thing that is so normal for everyone else and something they barely think about has run more than half my life, and is my constant thought every minute of the day. When I was younger I used to look down on anyone who was even just chubby and didn't care to do anything about their weight, now I would give anything to be a chubby person who was OKAY WITH THEIR BODY. I can't take being in my head and my anxiety anymore, I can't take dealing with food. My life feels so fucking hopeless and depressing to me right now-- with heroin, with meth there's some hope to me because I can get AWAY from them and not have to deal with them, I can never get away from food, I feel like being a "recovered" anorexic is like being a "recovered" meth addict confined to a fucking meth lab or something.

I'm going to take more xanxax and try and sleep, I can't deal with thinking about this anymore or I feel like I'm going to do something I'll regret or won't be able to.

 

[Pillthrill]

Mia and Claire, it would mean a lot for imput on my question. I would never want to hurt you. If you say, you know what, you trigger and upset me I can take it. I don't want to hurt you. You both suffer enough. I'm just trying to decide if 1. I should come here at all 2. I can post how I feel about my weight, if not, where should I be posting?? 3. Or should I just offer suppport and comfort.

Other supportive members your imput is welcome too. If you don't feeel comfortable, any of you just PM me. I certianly don't think this is all about me. PLEASE don't take it that way. I'm thinking about YOU and YOUR well being. I need to know where I SHOULD belong and what my role as a constructive memeber would be.

I know what pain is, I know what it is like t be hurt my a BLer and I DO NOT want to do that to you wonderful girls that I have come to care for some much and have been there for me on DS (Thank you). Is the social better suited for my situation? I'm quite afraid of the healthy living thread for various reasons.

I don't know what you are thinking about me, about what I said, about how I come off so I need your impout my DS family.
I love you all, you are true friends in a would I have few and a blessing in my lfie. Thank you for that
P.S. and as PLUR as I seen, NO I'm NOT on E. lol:D

 

[claire22]

PT you don't trigger me in any way - don't stress. Thanks for caring though, you're a good person. Feel free to post here, it is not confined to only anorexia/bulimia/binge eating. Having an issue with eating is partly an Eating Disorder in it's own right bella, perhaps not as extreme as the others but it is still a concern. We should love food. We should eat. It is necessary for our survival. Yet I hate it more than anything, yet I also love it..

Mia do you also get the thing where you'll allow yourself ONE THING because you say "you've been good" then keep eating and eating crying and cannot stop? A few anorexics I have talked to have that problem. I do too.

 

[Pillthrill]

Sorry Mia I can't respond, high. Sorry dear
I'm actually scared a bit, what if I Just continue to waste away. Check on DS Social, I go into detail....should I repost here?
You know me Claire, I'd never WANT to hurt a soul, my mission in life is to help people and alleviate their suffering, because usually I've been there.

 

[belarki]

I came home and binged and have been crying in my room for the last 45 minutes, feeling fat and guilty and depressed. I hate food more than anything in the world, more than I could ever hate meth or heroin, I hate that this thing that is so normal for everyone else and something they barely think about has run more than half my life, and is my constant thought every minute of the day. When I was younger I used to look down on anyone who was even just chubby and didn't care to do anything about their weight, now I would give anything to be a chubby person who was OKAY WITH THEIR BODY. I can't take being in my head and my anxiety anymore, I can't take dealing with food. My life feels so fucking hopeless and depressing to me right now-- with heroin, with meth there's some hope to me because I can get AWAY from them and not have to deal with them, I can never get away from food, I feel like being a "recovered" anorexic is like being a "recovered" meth addict confined to a fucking meth lab or something.

I'm going to take more xanxax and try and sleep, I can't deal with thinking about this anymore or I feel like I'm going to do something I'll regret or won't be able to.

I wish I could hug you right now! I'm so sorry that you're going through this and that there's not much I can do over an internet forum other than offer condolences.... I'm here for support if you ever want to PM me though. I agree it's cruel to have an ED when you pretty much have to eat every single day of your life. Eating should be one of the great joys of life too; having this fucked up relationship with food is truely miserable.

Pillthrill, post away. As xxkcxx said, "we aren't really sharing the "glamorous" side of EDs ", "If you feel the need to share, please share", your contributions are welcome

 

[xxkcxx]

^ please, just kc is fine


I had a long talk with one of my best friends about my body image issues today. I had never really talked to her about it before even though I am sure she could guess.

I explained the theory I have lived my life by since I was like 5--if I am uber-nice to everyone and a complete people pleaser, no one will make fun of me because you don't make fun of nice people you are friends with. I was so scared to hear people say I was the f word that I ignored any needs I had as a person.

Even the fact that I've never shared things like this with anyone is an example of my fear of anyone even THINKING about my weight. It's like...if we don't talk about it or mention it, maybe they won't even remember I have a weight...

lol it's ridiculous in a way.

But my point was that it was scary to let it all out, but also cathartic.

 

[AmphetamineNinja]

yes, it has taken a long time i was at my worst at 13, had another bad bought at 19 now at 21 almost 22 i love food. I am so happy and hope it lasts. I feel strong and competent and i smoke weed and drink, but dont abuse either, but they go well with a normal eating lifestyle. im also a male if thats releveant because i know it less common for us.

 

[AmphetamineNinja]

oh and i have finally have the confidence not to be a "people please" i love and respect some people others not so much, i wish everyone who is dealing with these issues the best of luck, i hope i dont come off as arrogent, but confidence in yourself is the key to beating this issue, you will be beautiful if you beleive you are beautiful and trust in love.

 

[mrs_mia_wallace]

Mia do you also get the thing where you'll allow yourself ONE THING because you say "you've been good" then keep eating and eating crying and cannot stop? A few anorexics I have talked to have that problem. I do too.

That’s it exactly

What have you done to try and control/deal with it? It’s part of what scares me about having food in my apartment or letting myself have anything more than what I will let myself eat…if I don’t let myself eat anything then I know it won’t happen…

I wish I could hug you right now! I'm so sorry that you're going through this and that there's not much I can do over an internet forum other than offer condolences.... I'm here for support if you ever want to PM me though. I agree it's cruel to have an ED when you pretty much have to eat every single day of your life. Eating should be one of the great joys of life too; having this fucked up relationship with food is truely miserable.

Thanks for the support and kind words girlie. I wish I could get a huge from you too! Haha. But your support via web postings is helpful nonetheless and nice to hear

Today has just sucked all around again, but meth seriously just makes me feel OK like nothing ever will I don’t think. It’s not that I even just like it because it stops me from being hungry, but it completely erases any thoughts of food from my brain… and it helps me a lot with not being so obsessed with my body because it just makes me feel better about myself… but it also fucks with my eating way more than it does help. I didn’t start having binge episodes until I started using… and then when I don’t use it seems like I start to think about food WAY more than I ever have. My life would be so much easier to sort out right now if there was not meth attached to the ED… and I’m just window shopping for rehabs centers in case I do decide to check into one in the upcoming but far right now future…. And I’m having a lot of difficulty finding anywhere that’s equipped to deal with both EDs and drug addiction. In the past some of the places I went that were helpful for ED refused to treat me because of the meth, and most drug rehabs that say “oh we also treat psychological disorders” have really crappy programs. It’s already difficulty for me to find ones I can go to because ones that aren’t located in a hospital usually don’t want to treat me because of my heart issues.

But I’m not even thinking seriously about entering treatment at the moment I honestly just really want to find a NEW therapeutic method of dealing with EDs because I feel like eleven years of therapy has done nothing for me, and either I’m incurable, not doing something right which by this point I find hard to believe, or the methods that have been drilled into me don’t work for me.

PT—sorry I was not really in a place to respond to you last night…

I’m with kc this thread if a not a pissing contest for who has the worst ED or the most clearly defined ED. All of us that post in this thread are going to trigger each other at some point—we’re discussing our behaviors and problems with our EDs, I don’t think it’s possible for us to NEVER trigger each other. I did this one ED group with this woman who was SO worried about us triggering each other, the rule was that you could never mention anything specific, that includes not only numbers but any behaviors your might have engaged in, just talk about how you felt. It was the biggest bullshit, because everyone was just wondering what behaviors you were alluding to in your “feelings” and I think half the importance of groups and therapy in EDs in prevention, learning specific ways to deal with your behaviors and NOT perform them. The only thing I agree with in limiting the info shared in groups is just numbers in regard to weight—“I gained five pounds” doesn’t really bother me, but from my experience when people share numbers it doesn’t really do anything besides begin a massive comparing among everyone there, and doesn’t really help the person expressing it either.

For me the only thing that’s been not “triggering” but difficult in your posts for me has just been that you don’t seem to obsesses over food, you just don’t want it and aren’t hungry. For me that’s difficult to read and offer support on because I am the exact opposite, food dominates my thoughts constantly and I am always actively restricting it from myself—I WISH I was that way. So if my responses haven’t always been filled with support it’s not coming from a triggered or angry place, it’s just coming from my own frustration and jealousy at MY issues that I need to deal with. So please, post away.

 

[BeckyLee]

mia, I'm so sorry for what you're going through right now! I don't know too much about the dx either, but I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
You are such a talented writer and are so compassionate towards others; I love reading your posts everyday b/c I feel as though I know you through them and it hurts to see a 'friend' in need. I just wanted you to know that you are valued here and we are rooting for you.