kratom luver
Greenlighter
I was repeatedly sodomised (sorry to be so graphic) by the son of some friends of the family when I was about 6. Although this caused medical complications later in life, it never affected me psychologically.
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Abused as a child? BL'ers have your say...
- Thread starter nabollocks
- Start date
Belisarius
Bluelighter
Third option.
Though I don't have a drug habit, I know for a fact that I have an addictive personality, and that probably only availability and solitude have kept me clean thus far.
Though I don't have a drug habit, I know for a fact that I have an addictive personality, and that probably only availability and solitude have kept me clean thus far.
nabollocks
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Mar 17, 2007
- Messages
- 1,113
For n=80 Female BLers that have taken part in this poll.
47% were abused as a child;
53% were not abused as a child.
Of those 48% that reported to being abused as a child, 73% have a drug habit.
For n=242 Male BLers that have taken part in this poll.
31% were abused as a child;
69% were not abused as a child.
Of the 31% that reported to being abused as a child, 87% have a drug habit.
These findings are shocking to say the least.
I know that the government in Australia has identified this as a real problem, but I had no idea it would be so obvious in a survey. The correlation between child abuse and drug abuse is clear as day.
Thank you to all those who have contributed to this poll. Keep the stats coming in, so we can paint a clearer picture.
I am not into blaming others for my problems, but this is making me think otherwise.
47% were abused as a child;
53% were not abused as a child.
Of those 48% that reported to being abused as a child, 73% have a drug habit.
For n=242 Male BLers that have taken part in this poll.
31% were abused as a child;
69% were not abused as a child.
Of the 31% that reported to being abused as a child, 87% have a drug habit.
These findings are shocking to say the least.
I know that the government in Australia has identified this as a real problem, but I had no idea it would be so obvious in a survey. The correlation between child abuse and drug abuse is clear as day.
Thank you to all those who have contributed to this poll. Keep the stats coming in, so we can paint a clearer picture.
I am not into blaming others for my problems, but this is making me think otherwise.
jimmyblaze1
Bluelighter
mmmm I just went through a long summer of intense therapy, have almost forgiven my mother for the emotional abuse(she was unhappy in the marriage and used to drink alot most evenings, and she'd be grouchy alot and cuss me, make me feel low, never encourage me, etc...), have found my self confidence and am finding it more instinctive the more I show myself.
I used to have a weed habit til I realized it...realized I was using weed all day everyday to block out unwanted thoughts.
Then I used in moderation til I went through an awful breakup almost 8 months ago.
I turned to booze a few months before the end of the relationship pretty hard when I found out my dad wasn't my real dad (my parents split up last autumn) last xmas..crashed my car drunk.
After seeing that I was becoming compulsively drawn to alcohol I am off the alcohol too...
I have been off weed for 7 months now, but intend to start smoking again (coz I love getting high) before the end of the year in moderation, occasionally.
THe booze I will not drink until I am certain I have broken the cycles that make me drink more & more... One is always safe for me(as I've realized what's going on, and making efforts to break the cycles), it's when I think 2/3 might be alright as well it starts to get out of hand...
Still going to therapy, but not intensely...just until I'm more or less stable, now I'm not being a wreck anymore.
I used to have a weed habit til I realized it...realized I was using weed all day everyday to block out unwanted thoughts.
Then I used in moderation til I went through an awful breakup almost 8 months ago.
I turned to booze a few months before the end of the relationship pretty hard when I found out my dad wasn't my real dad (my parents split up last autumn) last xmas..crashed my car drunk.
After seeing that I was becoming compulsively drawn to alcohol I am off the alcohol too...
I have been off weed for 7 months now, but intend to start smoking again (coz I love getting high) before the end of the year in moderation, occasionally.
THe booze I will not drink until I am certain I have broken the cycles that make me drink more & more... One is always safe for me(as I've realized what's going on, and making efforts to break the cycles), it's when I think 2/3 might be alright as well it starts to get out of hand...
Still going to therapy, but not intensely...just until I'm more or less stable, now I'm not being a wreck anymore.
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so far its about a 40% abuse rate
I'm surprised it's that low...
Drug addiction viewed as a disease (which it is) is nearly guaranteed by two factors:
1) Genetics (Mother or father addict)
2) Environment (Trauma/Abuse)
Each gives about a very large chance of becoming an addict in the future.
I suspect the number of addicts who are abuse victims in here is a lot higher, unfortunately. Denial could possibly be a problem in this poll.
claire22
Bluelighter
yes, and it didnt affect me for YEARS because i did what every little child will do and blocked it out..but it definitely came back to haunt me
i believ it definitely contributed to my meth addiction, no doubt
my mum was always a bit mean, never showed me any affection, has never told me she loves me
my dad loved me, i was his little angel
when i was six my mothers father sexually abused me, i told mum and she told me never to speak such lies ever again.
so, i didnt. i blocked it out, convinced myself it didnt happen..
something stirred up the memory again when i was about 12, i asked mum about it again.
she accused me of trying to get back at her, how i will never tell anyone ever again because i am ridiculous blah blah.
i wanted to tell dad but i thought he might just say the same thing
i blamed myself 4 it and i knew it wasnt right and i wasnt imagining it
iv never told anyone..
grandfather died last yr and i was bloody ecstatic, for what he did to me he deserved it
i got mixed up with the wrong ppl and got bad depression at 14 cos i kept thinking and thinking and thinking about it
ive never told any of my friends and it makes me tear up even writing about it
but i no heaps of ppl go thru this, im not alone
i believ it definitely contributed to my meth addiction, no doubt
my mum was always a bit mean, never showed me any affection, has never told me she loves me
my dad loved me, i was his little angel
when i was six my mothers father sexually abused me, i told mum and she told me never to speak such lies ever again.
so, i didnt. i blocked it out, convinced myself it didnt happen..
something stirred up the memory again when i was about 12, i asked mum about it again.
she accused me of trying to get back at her, how i will never tell anyone ever again because i am ridiculous blah blah.
i wanted to tell dad but i thought he might just say the same thing
i blamed myself 4 it and i knew it wasnt right and i wasnt imagining it
iv never told anyone..
grandfather died last yr and i was bloody ecstatic, for what he did to me he deserved it
i got mixed up with the wrong ppl and got bad depression at 14 cos i kept thinking and thinking and thinking about it
ive never told any of my friends and it makes me tear up even writing about it
but i no heaps of ppl go thru this, im not alone
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Libby
Bluelighter
I was abused as a child and I have a drug habit.
I also have (in the past, not so muych now) suffored from eating disorder.
Eating disorders are often linked to sexual abuse in childhood and alot of girls at my old clinic were sexually abused.
I was physically abused by both my parents but not sexually. I dont think I was ever sexually abused. My cousin did some things to me when I was 6 and got me to do some to her, but she was only 8 at the time so she didn't understand either, I later found out my uncle (her dad) went to jail for molesting her and her sisters so it makes sense, and I don't blame her at all, I don't feel sexually abused, she was a child too, neither of us really understood. And it wasn't horrific experiences, I used to just think "Oh crud she wants to play this game again lame, oh well if I let her play this game I'll tell her we have to do one I choose next and I choose barbie" lol.
But the beatings my parents gave me, I feel that was abuse, especially the way they would gang up on me. I wanted so much to turn to mum and have her be on my side when did hit me, or turn to dad when mum did it and he be on my side, but they were a solid unit, I've never in my life seen or heard them argue ever (they must've done it secretly)
Mum would hold me down so dad could whip me because I "wriggled too much" mum would pull my hair and drag me across the floor by it, and strangle me for things like being late for chior (I didnt want to go to choir, chior was embarrassing, I COULD NOT SING!!, i knew it, the school knew it, mum somehow couldn't realise) and if I was in trouble mum would tell dad to 'sort me out'. he had this belt (which was from a horses saddle complete with the metal buckle) he called it "big red" and told us it was red with the blood of 1000 children (it was quite obviously red from paint). but they would also use electrical cord, many wooden spoons were broken on my arse, etc.
The deputy principal at intermediate school (age 11-12)saw things like rope burn on my neck and thought I'ld tried to kill myself, he would ring mum trying to help unaware that the marks were actually from her, and then she would be mad at me, thinking I'ld been saying things at school when I hadn't and I would get in more trouble, I remember not being able to get that deputy principal away from me all i wanted was for him to leave me alone.
I never really did anything bad either, I just wanted to be a normal kid and my parents were super religeous and super strict. I wasnt allowed to hang out with friends, I had to come straight home from school. obviously I was never grounded because my entire childhood was one big grounding I wasnt allowed to do anything anyway, so if I'ld been bad they wouldn't ground me like my friends parents, they would hit me. but being bad to them was like, not eating all my veggies, or coming home from school half an hour late because I wanted to hang with my friends, saying i didnt like church, etc.
When I got old enough to realise other kids were allowed to do all this shit and I was the dweeb coz I couldnt go to any parties I was invited to, I starting to withdraw from my friends because it was embarrassing, and occasionally I would sneak out anyway and not turn up home till a few days later because I knew as soon as I got home I'ld get a beating so I would put it off.
I had an Eminem CD in intermediate school (when I was 11 years old) and dad heard that it had swearing in it so I wasn't allowed it and they were gunna take it from me. So I needed to hide it, I found an old tape player and opened it up, I ripped out all the circuit boards with my bare hands, cut them up a bit, and once there was enough hollowed out I put the CD in there and closed it up. Mum and Dad whipped me and whipped me until I told them where it was, I wasn't going to give in, I lasted 6 hours, but then I couldn't take it anymore. and then I thought if I'd just given it to them in the first place I wouldn't hurt so bad, but at the same time I wish i perservered and stood up for myself and didnt give it to them at all.
When I was going out for days at a time, mum and dad had decided i was having sex and took me to the hospital to find out if I was still a virgin, the doctors said they werent allowed to check that without my permission and I said no coz i WAS a virgin and I was too scared for someone to look at my special area because I was so shy about that sort of thing, but mum and dad assumed i wouldnt let them because i'ld been having sex . So when we got home my dad was hitting me, and thats the one time I decided to hit him back. he was un scathed but it made him even angrier and he punched me so hard it knocked my jaw out and it was dislocated hanging there. he didn't take me to the doctors to fix it, he sent me to my room where I lay awake all night and then he popped it back in himself the next morning (hurt more than when he knocked it out!!) After this he kicked me out of home and gave me a tresspassing notice so I couldn't come back, I lived on the streets I wasn't old enough to get a job, burgerking wouldn't even hire me, and I tried very hard not to have to leave school (eeventually I did leave). I decided I would rather become a prostitute and know I worked for everything and earnt it fair and square all on my own than become a theif, and they seemed to be the only choices I had ( I was NOT about to go get a foster family, I didn't like being told what to do by my parents, I wasn't going to be told what to do by NOT my parents) So I made it on my own and ended up making some bad choices such as getting too into drugs.
It makes me angry because my parents wern't like other parents of abused kids who got drunk and took their anger out on their children without concious decision. My parents truelly believed what they were doing was the right thing, that it was disciplin. And they knowingly beast me. They did it because they loved me. That's fucked up. I remeber heaps of times I would make all the bruises and welts look worse than they were with make up and go sit in the lounge thinking maybe they'd feel remorse for what they did, but it never happened, they never even noticed I was sitting there.
I've talked to them about it now, looking for an apology for what they did. All I got was an apology for the fact I can't see they were doing the "right thing" they're sorry I "feel that way" but never admit they were wrong or made any mistake, and they never apologised at all for anything.
sorry my post is really long, but it feels good to get the full storey down.
I think what fucked my life the most was me withdrawing from my friends and becoming so shy. theres alot of social skills I missed out on learning lol. And once the parents were gone and I was able to socialise, I'ld been under a rock so long I didnt understand what anyone was talking about, I didnt know about what bands and what movies were "cool" hell most of the slang they used I didnt understand because I'ld been so isolated and the men i worked for wern't from my generation lol, I was too embarrassed to admit I dodnt know what any of these words meant so it took a long tiome for me to try to integrate back into socialising with friends etc. I still get shy and nervous with people now, and I used to be so loud and outspoken lol.
I also have (in the past, not so muych now) suffored from eating disorder.
Eating disorders are often linked to sexual abuse in childhood and alot of girls at my old clinic were sexually abused.
I was physically abused by both my parents but not sexually. I dont think I was ever sexually abused. My cousin did some things to me when I was 6 and got me to do some to her, but she was only 8 at the time so she didn't understand either, I later found out my uncle (her dad) went to jail for molesting her and her sisters so it makes sense, and I don't blame her at all, I don't feel sexually abused, she was a child too, neither of us really understood. And it wasn't horrific experiences, I used to just think "Oh crud she wants to play this game again lame, oh well if I let her play this game I'll tell her we have to do one I choose next and I choose barbie" lol.
But the beatings my parents gave me, I feel that was abuse, especially the way they would gang up on me. I wanted so much to turn to mum and have her be on my side when did hit me, or turn to dad when mum did it and he be on my side, but they were a solid unit, I've never in my life seen or heard them argue ever (they must've done it secretly)
Mum would hold me down so dad could whip me because I "wriggled too much" mum would pull my hair and drag me across the floor by it, and strangle me for things like being late for chior (I didnt want to go to choir, chior was embarrassing, I COULD NOT SING!!, i knew it, the school knew it, mum somehow couldn't realise) and if I was in trouble mum would tell dad to 'sort me out'. he had this belt (which was from a horses saddle complete with the metal buckle) he called it "big red" and told us it was red with the blood of 1000 children (it was quite obviously red from paint). but they would also use electrical cord, many wooden spoons were broken on my arse, etc.
The deputy principal at intermediate school (age 11-12)saw things like rope burn on my neck and thought I'ld tried to kill myself, he would ring mum trying to help unaware that the marks were actually from her, and then she would be mad at me, thinking I'ld been saying things at school when I hadn't and I would get in more trouble, I remember not being able to get that deputy principal away from me all i wanted was for him to leave me alone.
I never really did anything bad either, I just wanted to be a normal kid and my parents were super religeous and super strict. I wasnt allowed to hang out with friends, I had to come straight home from school. obviously I was never grounded because my entire childhood was one big grounding I wasnt allowed to do anything anyway, so if I'ld been bad they wouldn't ground me like my friends parents, they would hit me. but being bad to them was like, not eating all my veggies, or coming home from school half an hour late because I wanted to hang with my friends, saying i didnt like church, etc.
When I got old enough to realise other kids were allowed to do all this shit and I was the dweeb coz I couldnt go to any parties I was invited to, I starting to withdraw from my friends because it was embarrassing, and occasionally I would sneak out anyway and not turn up home till a few days later because I knew as soon as I got home I'ld get a beating so I would put it off.
I had an Eminem CD in intermediate school (when I was 11 years old) and dad heard that it had swearing in it so I wasn't allowed it and they were gunna take it from me. So I needed to hide it, I found an old tape player and opened it up, I ripped out all the circuit boards with my bare hands, cut them up a bit, and once there was enough hollowed out I put the CD in there and closed it up. Mum and Dad whipped me and whipped me until I told them where it was, I wasn't going to give in, I lasted 6 hours, but then I couldn't take it anymore. and then I thought if I'd just given it to them in the first place I wouldn't hurt so bad, but at the same time I wish i perservered and stood up for myself and didnt give it to them at all.
When I was going out for days at a time, mum and dad had decided i was having sex and took me to the hospital to find out if I was still a virgin, the doctors said they werent allowed to check that without my permission and I said no coz i WAS a virgin and I was too scared for someone to look at my special area because I was so shy about that sort of thing, but mum and dad assumed i wouldnt let them because i'ld been having sex . So when we got home my dad was hitting me, and thats the one time I decided to hit him back. he was un scathed but it made him even angrier and he punched me so hard it knocked my jaw out and it was dislocated hanging there. he didn't take me to the doctors to fix it, he sent me to my room where I lay awake all night and then he popped it back in himself the next morning (hurt more than when he knocked it out!!) After this he kicked me out of home and gave me a tresspassing notice so I couldn't come back, I lived on the streets I wasn't old enough to get a job, burgerking wouldn't even hire me, and I tried very hard not to have to leave school (eeventually I did leave). I decided I would rather become a prostitute and know I worked for everything and earnt it fair and square all on my own than become a theif, and they seemed to be the only choices I had ( I was NOT about to go get a foster family, I didn't like being told what to do by my parents, I wasn't going to be told what to do by NOT my parents) So I made it on my own and ended up making some bad choices such as getting too into drugs.
It makes me angry because my parents wern't like other parents of abused kids who got drunk and took their anger out on their children without concious decision. My parents truelly believed what they were doing was the right thing, that it was disciplin. And they knowingly beast me. They did it because they loved me. That's fucked up. I remeber heaps of times I would make all the bruises and welts look worse than they were with make up and go sit in the lounge thinking maybe they'd feel remorse for what they did, but it never happened, they never even noticed I was sitting there.
I've talked to them about it now, looking for an apology for what they did. All I got was an apology for the fact I can't see they were doing the "right thing" they're sorry I "feel that way" but never admit they were wrong or made any mistake, and they never apologised at all for anything.
sorry my post is really long, but it feels good to get the full storey down.
I think what fucked my life the most was me withdrawing from my friends and becoming so shy. theres alot of social skills I missed out on learning lol. And once the parents were gone and I was able to socialise, I'ld been under a rock so long I didnt understand what anyone was talking about, I didnt know about what bands and what movies were "cool" hell most of the slang they used I didnt understand because I'ld been so isolated and the men i worked for wern't from my generation lol, I was too embarrassed to admit I dodnt know what any of these words meant so it took a long tiome for me to try to integrate back into socialising with friends etc. I still get shy and nervous with people now, and I used to be so loud and outspoken lol.
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drug_wench
Bluelight Crew
jesus, libby - i didnt know it was quite that bad.....
and i thought i had it hard....
this is why im really anti over-the-top religion
(sorry if that offended anyone)
and i thought i had it hard....
this is why im really anti over-the-top religion
(sorry if that offended anyone)
Libby
Bluelighter
I didnt mind that they had their religion, i minded that they couldnt accept that i didnt share it.
some of the things they believe are just whack tho.
like uncle peter the one that went to jail for molesting his daughter, in my parents eyes, he's done his time and he's asked the lord for forgiveness so he is part of the family.
I wanted to hang out with my friends and i am kicked out of the family..
NOT COOL
so maybe they wanted me to believe what they believe, I can understand that, if I had kids I'ld want them to pick up some good morals and beliefs from me too.
but why is it bad for me to have friends, i never fucking molested anyone.
I wasnt a bad kid, I just didnt agree, and I wanted to be free to be myself.
some of the things they believe are just whack tho.
like uncle peter the one that went to jail for molesting his daughter, in my parents eyes, he's done his time and he's asked the lord for forgiveness so he is part of the family.
I wanted to hang out with my friends and i am kicked out of the family..
NOT COOL
so maybe they wanted me to believe what they believe, I can understand that, if I had kids I'ld want them to pick up some good morals and beliefs from me too.
but why is it bad for me to have friends, i never fucking molested anyone.
I wasnt a bad kid, I just didnt agree, and I wanted to be free to be myself.
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claire22
Bluelighter
god libby thats awful glad u got thru it
i was sexually & physically abused and i thought mine was bad.. urs is 10X worse
yeah ppl that cant accept other ppls beliefs shit me up the wall
personally i dont believe in god, i dont care if ppl do.
they should do the same but vice-versa.
thats what i dont understand about those psycho religious ppl, they say every1 shud b treated well etc but they do that 2 their own flesh n blood.
bahhh makes me mad.
i was sexually & physically abused and i thought mine was bad.. urs is 10X worse
yeah ppl that cant accept other ppls beliefs shit me up the wall
personally i dont believe in god, i dont care if ppl do.
they should do the same but vice-versa.
thats what i dont understand about those psycho religious ppl, they say every1 shud b treated well etc but they do that 2 their own flesh n blood.
bahhh makes me mad.
Libby
Bluelighter
They believe that IS treating me well. because they believe I was being bad, and by hitting me they would give me the disciplin I needed and I would become what they believe to be "a good child" and I would have a good happy life therafter if they could just dicaplin me well enough. they thought they were being good people, they believed it was what's best for me.
I've tried many times to explain how it's not good for me, how it hurt me, but they can't understand. Everything was my fault "we didnt want to kick you out, YOU left us no choice" etc. etc.
"he hit me first!" ... "He's your father, that's his job!"
I've tried many times to explain how it's not good for me, how it hurt me, but they can't understand. Everything was my fault "we didnt want to kick you out, YOU left us no choice" etc. etc.
"he hit me first!" ... "He's your father, that's his job!"
claire22
Bluelighter
yeah they cease to see the damage they did! they need a wake up call.
parents are strange sometimes, but Libby u no they do love u yes? a parents love is neverending .. and as u said they did think they were bein good parents.
one day hopefully they will realise
parents are strange sometimes, but Libby u no they do love u yes? a parents love is neverending .. and as u said they did think they were bein good parents.
one day hopefully they will realise
Libby
Bluelighter
slightly off topic, but this was my favourite one for it's comical value...
mum - "If you kids can't behave yourselves, you'll be walking home!, do you want to get out and walk
*I open door and get out of car*
mum- "What are you doing you stupid child?!, Get back in the car!"
me - "You told me to walk!!!"
hahaha
EDIT - and yes I know they love me.
if they didn't I'ld just write them off, but it's frustrating because I know they love me and I want to make them understand but I can't.
I tried to be nice to my sister and invite her to the pools with me and she was all, no because you're going to wear a bikini, and i was like well what would you wear, and she's like modest clothing and walks away all shitty. It's like jeez I was actually trying to be nice by inviting you ya know.
mum - "If you kids can't behave yourselves, you'll be walking home!, do you want to get out and walk
*I open door and get out of car*
mum- "What are you doing you stupid child?!, Get back in the car!"
me - "You told me to walk!!!"
hahaha
EDIT - and yes I know they love me.
if they didn't I'ld just write them off, but it's frustrating because I know they love me and I want to make them understand but I can't.
I tried to be nice to my sister and invite her to the pools with me and she was all, no because you're going to wear a bikini, and i was like well what would you wear, and she's like modest clothing and walks away all shitty. It's like jeez I was actually trying to be nice by inviting you ya know.
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gorgoroth
Bluelighter
I have a serious drug addiction and was raped, ignored, starved, and beaten from 6-13
my dad died 2 weeks ago and i hate that he did, because i wanted to kill him myself.
I didnt go to his funeral and I don't regret it.
my dad died 2 weeks ago and i hate that he did, because i wanted to kill him myself.
I didnt go to his funeral and I don't regret it.
Libby
Bluelighter
^
hug time sunshine
*hugz*
All the yukky is gone now, don't fear anymore. He can't hurt you now.
hug time sunshine
*hugz*
All the yukky is gone now, don't fear anymore. He can't hurt you now.
gorgoroth
Bluelighter
^ Libby I read your story, I have NOTHING but the DEEPEST love and admiration for you, you are such a strong, special woman. So strong, please hang in there, you've inspired me in the biggest way possible, your story totally touched my heart
