Abused as a child? BL'ers have your say...

[mrs-mojo-risin]

So really funny true story: about 2 hours ago I saw this poll and was gonna click "F: I was not abused and have a drug habit" but then I realized I don't really have a drug habit anymore. But I didn't want to click that one 'cause I didn't know for how long I wouldn't have a drug habit for.

So I left that and moved onto a different post in a different forum. I was going to submit a reply to something someone posted. It wasn't initially going to be a long post but as I really got into writing the whole thing it ended up being 4 pages long and at the end of it I'm starting to question myself.

I never thought what happened was molestation. I mean it wasn't. I never thought I was taken advantage of either really. I don't know if I was or not. Sure, I was kid, he was an adult. I mean he was pretty stupid and immature but maybe he still should've realized we shouldn't have done what we did. And if not at first, he definitely should've realized it before I did.

After I finished typing my reply I realized that what I had always feared has come true. And now for the rest of my life I will have to live with the knowledge of what I did when I was younger. And it will always haunt me I think in every relationship.

For the first time in my life just hours ago I felt ready for a normal relationship. And then I read a post and prepared my response and all of a sudden I feel sick to my stomach. I hope in the morning I will realize I am just overreacting.

Everybody has things in their past they look back on with regret or embarrassment. I shouldn't have done it and I realize this now but for fuck's sake, I'll be damned if I let this affect me for the rest of my life.

No, I refuse. I'm wiping away my tears right now and making a promise to myself that I will not feel bad about myself or lose any self respect because of my sexual past. The past may be part of a person but that part may only be the catalyst for change. And that's what it is for me.

If I hadn't experienced what I did, I never would have had the strength or courage to really take a look at myself and decide to clean myself up.

So fuck YOU and stop trying to get back into my life. You should've realized what we did was wrong and if I have to be the one to tell you, well christ, it's clearly not me who's the messed up one.

 

[center]

Male. Drug addict. No abuse I can recall.

Great thread idea. Interesting to see correlations.

 

[icancu2k]

I fall into the A category, for both physical and emotional although I believe it's unrelated to my drug use

 

[chicpoena]

I fall into category (e)

I was abused physically, emotionally and sexually. I'm guessing a lot of female drug addicts on bluelight have been.

 

[B9]

What defines abuse tho ?

One incident ?

Repeated incidents ?

Severity of incidents?

 

[chicpoena]

What defines abuse tho ?

One incident ?

Repeated incidents ?

Severity of incidents?

It is up to the individual and the experience. Many times just one incident is enough to cause serious mental damage to someone.

 

[zombiesarepeaceful]

Polydrug abuser...definitely have a habit, although atm I'm able to support my habit w/o much interference with the rest of my life.

I was abused physically until the age of 13, but mainly abused mentally, and still am. *shrug*

I see no correlation between my drug use and my history of abuse, though. Differs for some people I guess.

 

[drug_wench]

sum ppl deal wiv abuse better than others, and in diffrent ways
for me, i dont think i cud blame it entirely on the abuse - it was partly cos i wanted to fit in, partly cos the only time i felt gd about myself was wen i used and partly cos i had undiagnosed ADD which meant that stimulants were the only thing that made me able to concentrate in class and therefore get sum results from my schoolwork
but i definitely blame the way my father treated me too, cos using (particularly weed) took my mind off the pain
i also think in my case its genetic (and often is) - my mother and father both hav alcoholism in their family trees, my dad is an alcoholic and he used to abuse weed and acid, several of my cousins abuse weed and psychedelics (or hav done in the past) and one is a meth addict (who also abuses weed)
ive bn the major drug abuser of the family tho....

 

[zombiesarepeaceful]

^That made me think of something.

I do not blame my drug use or tendency to use on my family's history. But yeah, my dad was an alcoholic, never knew him, only heard horror stories of him going out to drink all day when he was supposedly going to work, coming to the hospital shitfaced when I was born, etc...he left for good when I was a few months old. Honestly, I don't blame him. He had my fucking mother to put up with, which would drive a guy to murder. I guess I don't feel hostile or angry towards him for any of that because as a fellow substance (ab)user...I can relate? Idk.

But yeah...I guess it partially runs in the family. My grandma was fond of the booze. So was my mom, back when she was young, but she'd never admit to drinking. My grandma was the one who told me that yes, she had done her share of drinking people under the table.

I guess my family, in general, carries an abusive trait. Tendency to abuse others (my mom), tendency to abuse self (self destruct through an addiction, me, dad, grandma).

But I don't blame any of this on my current suitation with drugs. It does influence things, but it is not to blame.

Mmm yeah now that I've rambled my way through this thread, OFF TOPIC, I think. Carry on

 

[colors]

m / emotional abuse / not a habitual user (just dabble)

 

[drug_wench]

ZAP - yea my family carries that abusive trait too, on my dads side anyway
my dad and his brothers and sisters were lined up evryday and whacked within an inch of their life
i guess thats why i forgive him (some days more than others....) - cos he sure didnt know any better

 

[iwish]

so far its about a 40% abuse rate

 

[wingnutlives]

I have not been abused at all, but I have had various drug habits (mostly opiates).

I think living in this culture is trauma enough, though....

 

[nabollocks]

And no women on BL have a drug habit if they were not abused

This is really interesting, especially seeing that the guys stack up pretty closely for (a) and (b).

Murphys Law... spoke too soon.

 

[B9]

It is up to the individual and the experience. Many times just one incident is enough to cause serious mental damage to someone.

Exactly - then you have some folks in denial etc. It's a very difficult area. That really was my point that it's far from a straight decision in many cases.

Although I choose not to participate good luck anyway.

 

[Mariposa]

I was not abused, but I was badly neglected after my parents' divorce. There wasn't any continuity in the discipline I was provided. I was shipped back and forth between my mom, my dad, and my draconian grandparents until I was finally shipped to my dad when I was 14. He left me home alone while on extended business trips with $100 and the promise I wouldn't have a party. You can imagine where that went.

My father is a yeller and here and there, he displaces his anger on me to this day. I wouldn't qualify it as outright "abuse" as I've never had cause to fear him. We are on and off with speaking terms; currently very firmly off because he asks me to do favors for him that I don't have time to do, then complains that I don't drop everything to help him with whatever crap he's asking me to do. He is sad and angry and lonely and it's his own damn fault. I ask him for nothing but to speak to me in a civil manner. I want to repair things with him. I want him to be a part of my life (he's only half an hour away) but I will absolutely not tolerate the way he speaks to me at times.

I am not a drug addict and never have been. I have had stages of problem drinking that came very close to crossing the line into alcoholism. When my depression is not under control, I can get reckless with alcohol. As for other things, though - I've danced with a few devils and came out none the worse for wear. I want to cut down on clove cigarettes (a few a day, and only cloves), but I wouldn't say I am addicted, and being on Wellbutrin is creating an aversion to tobacco little by little. I think I am too stubborn to be an addict, and I can't stand the "sketchy" element that comes with most highly addictive drugs.

Both sides of my family are full of alcoholics and pill poppers. Of course they picked the socially acceptable drugs. One of my cousins was abused by her father (who is not a blood relative to me). She is the only one of my generation who is schizophrenic (runs strongly on mother's side).

I do have one addiction, though: I'm somewhat of a workaholic. Several friends have expressed that I should take some time off this summer. Besides weekends and vacations (which are always short and usually enjoyable) I have not taken more than a few days off in years. I might have the opportunity, might not. My workaholism interfered with me achieving as much in school as I should have. I think more and more every day about going back to school. I'm deathly afraid of being broke - I was in that position once due to misplaced trust in an ex who drained me financially, built my bank account back up to where it's modest but healthy, and can't imagine it any other way anymore. Work is very reinforcing for me because I am young for having as many years experience as I do, I am a perfectionist, and I have a natural aptitude for my field. At this point I'm kind of writing my own ticket after a couple setbacks that were out of my hands (businesses closing) and in a few weeks I'll have to decide whether the time off is a good idea or not. Knowing me I'll start something else right away. Yes, my name is Mariposa and I am a workaholic. Do they have meetings for this stuff, or should I just go pick pineapples in Hawaii in exchange for a cheap dorm bed?

 

[jacqui]

Physical, emotional abuse from as far back as I can remember and sexual abuse later on.

 

[swilow]

I fall into category (e)

I was abused physically, emotionally and sexually. I'm guessing a lot of female drug addicts on bluelight have been.

Might I ask why you say 'females'? Males get sexually abused as well...

 

[chicpoena]

Might I ask why you say 'females'? Males get sexually abused as well...

I read in a study some where (I'll try and find it) that proportionally, the vast majority of female drug addicts have been abused. In male drug addicts, the proportion is not nearly as high. But then again, it could be that becasue 'society' looks down on male expressions of emotionality, male drug addicts might have been reluctant to share their abuse history with researchers. Ah, the third variable confound.

I was just guessing that we'd see high rates of female drug addicts with abuse histories reflected in this poll. That's all

 

[sushii]

^ As far as I know, that's been shown in quite a number of studies. But you're right, it could definately be due to a reporting bias.

I ticked the wrong box and said I was male.