Cocaine doing coke alone

[jessepinkman779]

I go into rehab tomorrow. They called me on a Sunday telling me they'd got a spare place available and if I didn't want it they needed to know so they can offer it to someone else. It's in Wales so far away from Birmingham where I'm from. I'll miss staying with my uncle it's been a short, but pleasant stay. I was told to expect to be in rehab for at least 6 months. So, closer to getting out I'm going to look for a place in my uncles area and move there for good. I'm hoping I can build bridges with some of my family and friends when I get out. If not I'll completely understand.

 

[Passable_rock]

I go into rehab tomorrow. They called me on a Sunday telling me they'd got a spare place available and if I didn't want it they needed to know so they can offer it to someone else. It's in Wales so far away from Birmingham where I'm from. I'll miss staying with my uncle it's been a short, but pleasant stay. I was told to expect to be in rehab for at least 6 months. So, closer to getting out I'm going to look for a place in my uncles area and move there for good. I'm hoping I can build bridges with some of my family and friends when I get out. If not I'll completely understand.

Hey good luck in there! Never been to rehab, I hope it goes good for you. How ''restrictive'' is it? Like can you go out during the day?

 

[CptCook]

Today I'm feeling down and reflective about my situation, I keep thinking about all the consecutive days I walk the same path to buy it, and I never walk back (give up on buying). It's absurd for me. Then my heart starts racing and I feel guilt, fear, and despair.

I go into rehab tomorrow. They called me on a Sunday telling me they'd got a spare place available and if I didn't want it they needed to know so they can offer it to someone else. It's in Wales so far away from Birmingham where I'm from. I'll miss staying with my uncle it's been a short, but pleasant stay. I was told to expect to be in rehab for at least 6 months. So, closer to getting out I'm going to look for a place in my uncles area and move there for good. I'm hoping I can build bridges with some of my family and friends when I get out. If not I'll completely understand.

Good luck in there!

 

[jessepinkman779]

I escaped rehab and relapsed. I guess I'm just not ready. I called my friend to pick me up from a local town about 10 miles from the rehab centre. Got back home and straight back on it. My uncle wants me sectioned under the mental health act but my mental health is fine at the moment. I say I escaped, I got my phone back, walked to the local town, then phoned a close friend to come get me. I left lots of my clothes and stuff there. I'm currently sitting in near darkness sniffing coke and I just feel neutral. I got tonight's coke if the Albanians and it makes my dealers look like shite it's top quality. They deliver 24/7 so I've just ordered more. I think this only ends one way for me, not topping myself but I think the drug will kill me. To be honest my mom's Alzheimer's is getting worse, my dog is old and once I lose both of them I honestly won't care because I Love them with all my heart they really are everything to me and I don't think I've got long left with them both a couple years at very best and I mean very best. Coke makes that pain feel manageable just for a little while. I've got a son and a younger brother too but my mom and our dog are my everything. My son only contacts me for money and my brother and I have never seen Ste to eye. I love him but we're just very different people. I'm the black sheep, rebel if you will and I always have been.

That 10 Mike walk was murder especially because I had no idea how long the walk was going to be until I got to the local town. Rehab can't force me to go back.

 

[jessepinkman779]

I honestly don't know what's next. I really appreciate all of your support. I'll get my thinking cap on. If I could just use coke on Saturdays and just half a gram I'd be happy but I just don't know when to stop once I start.

 

[Passable_rock]

I'm glad you're honest about your usage with us here. Ideally yes it would be to stop completely, but if you can't do that, just keeping your usage low is great too. It's all about the baby steps.

Do you have a close friend that cold hold your coke for you? Not sure if it would work in your case, but it helped be. Like you buy a certain amount, do some, give the rest to the trusted person, and then the next weekend they give it back to you. I know you can order coke anywhere any time, but maybe that mental and social barrier would give you a little nudge. And if you feel like you can't go the whole week without, just go to your friend and ask for it. The goal is not for them to absolutely keep it until next weekend even if come back asking for it before, you can get it other ways anyway. But maybe having someone knowing your exact usage would make you think twice, just sometimes, and have that human connection with someone about it would make a just a biiit easier to keep your usage in check.

What do you think?

 

[Passable_rock]

Also I am sorry to hear about your mom's alzheimer's. And I also deeply feel you about your dog, I love her so damn much, just like my mom. Those 2 are my favourite living beings as well, I cherish them intensely I don't know what I would do without my mum honestly.. She's my life saver.

 

[jessepinkman779]

I'm glad you're honest about your usage with us here. Ideally yes it would be to stop completely, but if you can't do that, just keeping your usage low is great too. It's all about the baby steps.

Do you have a close friend that cold hold your coke for you? Not sure if it would work in your case, but it helped be. Like you buy a certain amount, do some, give the rest to the trusted person, and then the next weekend they give it back to you. I know you can order coke anywhere any time, but maybe that mental and social barrier would give you a little nudge. And if you feel like you can't go the whole week without, just go to your friend and ask for it. The goal is not for them to absolutely keep it until next weekend even if come back asking for it before, you can get it other ways anyway. But maybe having someone knowing your exact usage would make you think twice, just sometimes, and have that human connection with someone about it would make a just a biiit easier to keep your usage in check.

What do you think?

I've got a close friend who only smokes weed and id trust him with my coke. It's definitely worth a try. I think being accountable would open my eyes a bit. Good idea thank you. I've got to see my drug counsellor at 3pm today but she just says cut it down bit by bit. I've got myself in a maze of my own making here. I'm fighting a battle against the person who knows me best, myself. I'll be honest I do love coke, but it's no way to live life is it. This will be the first time I've seen my drug counsellor since doing a runner from rehab.

 

[jessepinkman779]

Also I am sorry to hear about your mom's alzheimer's. And I also deeply feel you about your dog, I love her so damn much, just like my mom. Those 2 are my favourite living beings as well, I cherish them intensely I don't know what I would do without my mum honestly.. She's my life saver.

Exactly what you said. My mom and our dog are everything to me. If I've got 2 years left with them I'll have been lucky. I think of a world without them in it and I crumble. They are the love of my life. My mom has never taken drugs, drank alcohol or smoked and I've abused all those things. If I could take the Alzheimer's into me and out of my mom I would in a heartbeat I deserve it, she doesn't. My dog Cherry a husky is my baby. I lost my dad just after my mom's diagnosis, then had a health scare during a routine scan a lump was found on my pancreas. That's when I hit the coke real hard the lump turned out to be nothing to worry about. Coke makes all that a little easier for even a few hours.

 

[jessepinkman779]

Life is so difficult isn't it and I've got shit coping mechanisms.

 

[kiloecho]

Currently on coke and im getting bored, anything fun to do while it lasts? I usually enjoy ketamine and weed alone but this is def a more social experience and I don’t have anyone to yap with. thanks!

Yes. Yes, there are great things to do. Go swimming.

 

[Passable_rock]

>''I'm fighting a battle against the person who knows me best''

Yup! ahahah, I know this all too well ^^

> ''Life is so difficult isn't it and I've got shit coping mechanisms.''

This one hits close to home for me too

 

[Passable_rock]

Exactly what you said. My mom and our dog are everything to me. If I've got 2 years left with them I'll have been lucky. I think of a world without them in it and I crumble. They are the love of my life. My mom has never taken drugs, drank alcohol or smoked and I've abused all those things. If I could take the Alzheimer's into me and out of my mom I would in a heartbeat I deserve it, she doesn't. My dog Cherry a husky is my baby. I lost my dad just after my mom's diagnosis, then had a health scare during a routine scan a lump was found on my pancreas. That's when I hit the coke real hard the lump turned out to be nothing to worry about. Coke makes all that a little easier for even a few hours.

I told my mom something along the lines of ''I hope I'll get my shit together before you die''. It wasn't crude and short like that, but it's the gist of it. She's my anchor, and life is so tough, I hope I'll develop an healthier life for myself. Stuff like habits, mental health, support network, good cooping mechanism, etc. I say ''I hope'' but I'm feeling pretty good these days, and I'm confident I'll get to that sooner than later! I made a lot of progress on myself since the past 2 years, my psychiatrist says so and I feel it as well

 

[ageingpartyfiend]

Your son will mature one day mate and need his dad, and your time with mum/dog will be 1000x more fulfilling and valuable without cocaine in your life. You get high a lot - I'm guessing you're not sat there with your mum at that point eh, and then there's the comedowns

I know full well this shit isn't easy but man, your denial is impressive. I suggest seeing an actual real psychotherapist/counsellor instead of your seemingly useless drugs counsellor

Getting your friend to hold for you sounds like an excellent idea. You need to make a pact with him that he must not cave into your pleas for 'more' after your agreed limit is reached

All the best

 

[jessepinkman779]

Thank you all very much. My friend is going to hold my coke for me and there's nothing I can do to get it off him he can fight better than me. He said I need locking up earlier. I'm fully aware I'm a full blown and serious coke addict I just can't beat it. I'll hire a psychotherapist and work with them to try and beat this. I was snorting coke out the bag in the supermarket earlier today I just couldn't wait 10 minutes until I got out of there. I'm not in denial I'm fully aware of what I've become and how serious this is, and how deep in I am in this.

 

[ageingpartyfiend]

I just can't beat it.

You definitely can , but you need to stop that kinda self talk asap

Your subconscious hears that too often it will work towards creating it

Of course you can beat it. Probably millions of people have. So can you, 100%

You'll find life a lot easier without it than with it I guarantee. It takes a lot of energy and strength just to live as a coke addict, that same energy and strength you clearly possess needs harnessing and redirecting.

 

[jessepinkman779]

You definitely can , but you need to stop that kinda self talk asap

Your subconscious hears that too often it will work towards creating it

Of course you can beat it. Probably millions of people have. So can you, 100%

You'll find life a lot easier without it than with it I guarantee. It takes a lot of energy and strength just to live as a coke addict, that same energy and strength you clearly possess needs harnessing and redirecting.

Wow! Very well put and explained. Recently I'm starting to get angry on coke too, like a guy has owed me money for a few years and I just let it slide, but when I'm on coke I want to go after him. That's just an example. I don't know why it's started making me angry perhaps it's my own frustration of being addicted. I haven't got access to my own money at the moment so I'm just loaning all my coke too.

 

[jessepinkman779]

I can't remember if I mentioned that I've joined cocaine anonymous and I've got a sponsor, a very patient sponsor to say the least. I am starting the 12 steps as soon as my book arrives. I'm just trying anything I can. Hopefully one day I'll be in a position to help others on this forum. I'm down to my last few lines so I'm at least going to sleep tonight. I haven't eaten since yesterday though. But sleep is a good start I guess. I'm so grateful to everyone on this thread. I might force myself to eat a sandwich at least as I'm diabetic

 

[Passable_rock]

I can't remember if I mentioned that I've joined cocaine anonymous and I've got a sponsor, a very patient sponsor to say the least. I am starting the 12 steps as soon as my book arrives. I'm just trying anything I can. Hopefully one day I'll be in a position to help others on this forum. I'm down to my last few lines so I'm at least going to sleep tonight. I haven't eaten since yesterday though. But sleep is a good start I guess. I'm so grateful to everyone on this thread. I might force myself to eat a sandwich at least as I'm diabetic

Yes you deserve (and need) some rest, and food! Thanks for keeping trying new ways to get rid of this addiction. +1 on having a sponsor and make sure you actually hire that psychotherapist, I'll ask you about it soon to check

 

[jessepinkman779]

Just half a gram tonight. It was dropped at 5pm and I've still got some left. I'm doing tiny amounts to keep the cravings at bay