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let me talk some more about how awesome and spiritually high i am

long running thread.... a novel of sorts.

i speak of synchronicity, people's minds unconsciously thinking similar thoughts at the same time. the last time i updated this thread was an "edit" to the original first post in the thread. 20 minutes after i edited this thread which started about crying, which i didn't think was very well received despite the fact it's real shit that not a lot of people experience (why i get it might not be well received). anyways, 20 minutes after i updated the first post in this thread which you can see is may 9th, this post https://www.bluelight.org/community/threads/i-haven’t-been-able-to-cry-until-i-did-the-right-combination-of-drugs-yesterday.952366/ was created. i guess i don't have proof that i updated my thread first, but i believe that the universe worked out in a way that i was updating this thread because this person was having their experience that day crying. their experience triggered me to want to update the thread after some months of not posting unconsciously where i was aware to update my post "on the other side".. i thought it would be a good idea since i keep updating this thread to edit the original first post with some context of what the thread turns into. it had been a while since i posted the thread. i feel like the blue light poster that updated the thread might be a gang stalker of sorts. that there are fake BL posters with accounts to go along with my hacked internet or something. who knows.... that they could read that i was working on the thread or spending time wiht it at least in the section of the site that tells who's online and knew it would mean something to me if they made a fake thread. about them crying. you know what, i really don't think so. i really believe it's because whether the BL poster realizes it or not, that they are praying. their experience that day triggered my mind "on the other side". it inspired me. that knowing what BL is and other blue light posters having to read my text at another point in time, that even if the poster in the thread i'm talking about isn't even aware of my account. that my posting became a form of prayer with other people, and the world through myself had an enlightening experience...

here are two you tubers that i spend a lot of time with that NEVER HAVE POSTED ANY CONTENT WITH DRUM MACHINES BEFORE, and WITH TONS OF VIDEO UPDATES, THEY SOME HOW MANAGED TO POST DRUM MACHINE VIDEOS WITHIN A FEW HOURS OF ONE ANOTHER, they never did any stuff with drum machines before, but they both posted the videos within several hours of each other. these people don't know each other. check the times these are uploaded. maybe you can believe me. i really think that my spending time with these you tubers video has linked us together and these people got inspired to create these videos so i would associate them:










stuff like that that i can document with a computer makes me think some of the stuff i've been noticing that i consider synchronicity might be real memories and i'm not tricking myself. i keep remembering these dudes you tubes and it really makes sense that what i'm saying is prayer may be a real possiblity. i really don't know.... if you go to the hip hop thread in the music section of the site, another poster was talking within the last month or so about "it's tricky" the RUN DMC song and i was saying their post was synchronicity with my life. that a day earlier, i can link you to the video on my you tube, i heard the run dmc song on the radio, and i walked around for hours singing "it's tricky" in all different raps, recorded it an put it on the intenret. it was awesome. that's definitely documented. lol... maybe it will give you faith or you think it's just a coincidence and i have a mental problem. i think i might be writing this so god can judge people. i'm not sure.
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i was talking about how i might get kicked out of federal housing for smoking weed. i'm not even in the housing yet. i believe i'll be able to use a smoke buddy filter in a closet or under a blanket and i won't be getting kicked out of the housing. i use my real name on the net, and have listed my state. i guess with my situation, i could get dox'ed, but i really feel strongly about my thought process being a political statement and that the higher ups are documenting me.... here goes why i'm not going to make a statement and commit suicide and hope my friend's tell the story of how i got addicted to drugs and wanted more hopefully making some type of political statement about how they should fund artists that are making some objectively good stuff. (i've done some tunings on guitar that are real tunings that no one has demonstrated for the internet yet. i think because i consider myself a psychedelic guitarist and am bettering myself with weed, that i should be paid for it and there should be a place i can smoke weed despite the fact i don't have a job. that i have a mental disorder and weed helps me and i also have spinal arthritis which qualifies me for disablity. that i'm more accurate when i go back and check what i do with a guitar tuner when i'm stoned. i can even play on pretty large doses of psychedelics. i learnt to do this with drugs. i don't see how i'm wrong for taking drugs.

but what i think is that there are tons of great musicians and artists. that there aren't that many resources to pay for all this shit, or that they make some people work so hard that it makes sense that i shouldn't have THAT MUCH... pretty much i think the amount of money i get through food stamps and disability is totally fair. i have spinal arthritis and schizophrenia... so i'm pretty sure if i can't find a good appartment with any responsible friends that i'm gonna just live in federal housing and hide the smoking and hope it goes well. i would love to just be able to be honest with people. i'll have to lie when i go to the weed store or if cops stop me also lie. it's all bad vibes to me. part of me thinks it would be right to kill myself cause it doesn't feel good to lie. that maybe kurt cobain's death and the death of some of my friends, i think it'd be funny. not even like a temper tantrum like kurt cobain, but i feel like my friends know that if i could keep smoking that i'd really want to live. that making my friend's feel bad would be like some crazy prayer.... i've decided that's stupid. that right now i get to smoke as much weed as i want. my father pays for my laundry detergent and toylet paper i use so that saves me a lot of money for extra stuff. i pay the same amount of money to my parents that i'll have to pay in federal housing. pretty much though buying toylet paper, laundry detergent and the amount of food they gift me, i have a lot more now than i will have when i move. i started to think about this like plenty of rock stars make money of tours and don't get to always have everything they once had cause an inconsistent stream of income. i'm just looking at it like i'm on a special vacation now, granted extra resources like a vacation. not really hard times. that maybe other people have to work so hard that i don't deserve to always get everything i want. this time i'm in now is just an experiment to see what kind of art i can create smoking a ton and getting to do whatever i want. pretty much when i move i'll be able to get high all through the day and the smell of smoke won't build up if i only take a hit every few hours. i rip half gram bowls in one hit, some of it just gets vaped. i get so high. when i do this. i never take big hits like that now cause i don't want to build my tolerance up ..... ... it sucks i won't have a bong, and i like to take rips WHEN I'M STONED, but for real, like i'll be able to stay medicated. i really think it'd be healthier if i smoked more cause i won't be able to drink as much caffeine, but it's not really a big deal to me hopefully. whenever i think i don't have enough, i'll have to realize i don't even compose the type of music people make money on, and abstract art really is just something people have for a hobby. i know it's not right that i will have to deal with it, but i really believe that by living my life i'll some how better the future. that by tuning the guitar the same way and doing the same compositions on camera with out a guitar tuner, that i will some how make my way into history with the internet and hopefully people will tell my story in the future for people to better understand human emotion (the video i posted of me playing guitar and crying earlier in the start of this thread is a great example of facial expressions people make when becoming overwhelmed with emotions and crying. i really believe this should've went viral and i should get some money just for recording myself crying like that. real tears. lol)... i spoke about how a friend from a local message board killed himself right after successfully completing college and it's really fucking with my schizophrenia, that it's too much for me to not believe that his music won't be remembered,, but also that my music won't be remembered. it just doesn't make sense...

here is another video that i've posted to BL before from another you tuber that has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH ME, I DON'T KNOW THIS PERSON LIKE I DON'T KNOW THE OTHER PEOPLE I POSTED.. anyways, this is a great as far as we know original guitar composition that requires some things that i don't have in my playing. this video has UNDER 1000 views. you know what, it's a TERRIBLE SHAME if the internet isn't already documented and this doesn't get saved for people all through out history. that giving people the opportunity to see if music comes back in the same or similar ways gives humans tremendous amount of stuff for people to do. this person should be getting paid for what they are saving to the internet because they are HELPING PEOPLE IN THE FUTURE. you know what, it'd be funny if the CIA weren't already documenting the internet. that it'd be bizarre if NSA or whatever didn't read this site. that i can't even believe that people could be THAT BAD that they wouldn't hear this guitar piece and be like, you know what this robert guy/foodcrisis is right, we really need to make sure the internet is saved for people of the future... here's JOHN CHACKO i don't know this guy. this shit is amazing. under 1000 views. you tube is just some experiment set up by the CIA to see how such great stuff doesn't make the algorithm. what a fucking shame. hopefully some talented people in the future care or the amount of people that saw it are really happy it and that is reflected in some form of prayer:





here is a guitar composition i did in DADGAB tuning... DADGAD and DADFAD are popular tunings. i didn't find DADGAB by being taught any tunings. i found the tunings by taking psychedelic drugs and just having a love for music, where i found DADFAD tuning by playing an Em shaped chord and adjusting the tuners. this creates what google says is a very jazz influenced chord, all of the steps in the notes are said to be heavy jazz. i found a lot of jazz chords in this tuning as opposed to everyone else on you tube playing classical stylings. i have one pop song which i think is pretty good in DADFAD and it's original. i seem to tune these tunings 20 cents higher than what normally is D, but all the steps in the tuning are perfect, except where i tune the highest two strings even a few cents higher. i have experimented with this and i just like tuning a bit higher than D. if there are any amazing guitarists out there (not sure if anybody out there exists, so you'll have to take my word on it or doubt my skills, you can tune into DADGAB, play the piece i wrote and find that tuning 20 cents higher for the top four strings deeper and the bottom two high note skinny strings 25 cents higher on the tuner, the bends at 3.47 into the piece will sound better than if the notes are set to green on the tuner for proper D tuning. this is something i've messed around with. i'm pretty sure it's objective sounds, and not how i bend the note, but i'm not 100 percent sure. i'm not sure if this has anything to do with microtones, but i believe i am going beyond western music or that playing in tune is not always necessary. i really believe this piece will come back, whether it be in perfect D tuning, or someone realizes the bends will be better if tuned a bit sharper, or maybe some people just like a slightly sharper D like me. i dunno. anyways, here is a video.

i post my videos to the BL "post your music section" and they get no views. in this situation i'm not really even expecting listens. i'm giving the opportunity for people to judge me. maybe people don't like that. but i also want to write about how knowing how to tune and continuing to get the same accurate results when checking what i do with a guitar tuner, makes me not really care if what i'm saying in this thread is not on beat with reality. i think i might actually be getting gang stalked by the CIA and gas lit by my parents and friends. that maybe i'm insane, but playing music is fun, and drugs are making my music objectively more in tune in some cases. i'm not always perfect, but i either have something going or i have some sort of spiritual muse which is bringing the same stuff back and it sounds really great to me. .... .... i really believe that issac newton and the mayans by predicting 2060 and 2012 as some sort of estimate of when time would be changing is like some kind of contact that time is moving in all directions or something and that my writing and guitar playing is getting saved for the future causing some sort of cosmic occurrence where the small synchronicities are becoming evident. just those two you tubers posting their videos at the same time, i think it's proof that something is going on i give examples of synchronicity. i'm sorry if you think they are stupid coincidences. i really don't mean to shove my art and music down people's throats,,, but it really tells the story of why i don't mind having a mental disorder that really bothers most people, and that i have some problems in society, but i don't think it's fair that doctors don't take that drugs are making me objectively play standard tunings. some of the stuff i do is pretty weird and not in tune at all or just like stupid and not that great. the piece i link in this thread i really feel like it has something going. some of the parts go out of tune where i experiment or are sloppy, but when i play correctly, it really holds it's own.. i don't know i feel like it's not really that impressive, but it's SOMETHING. idk. there are a lof of rock riffs. that i'm doing something that isn't documented on the net. it really makes me feel good....










anyways, i wanted to update this thread and say that i really think luigi mangione is bad as a response to my previous posts. that i'm not even sure if people deserve health care... i'm pretty sure i find god cause i realize the moral of wayne's world is "we're not worthy" and we should just take what we can get and health care isn't something that is granted. like maybe no one should have health care. i really don't know... i just don't like hearing about luigi mangione... i really wanted to say that i'd like to make a statement too though. that i feel like monks lighting themselves on fire might be a lesson that THAT IS HOW TO GET WELL RECIEVED. i'm not gonna do that and everyone should find they are praying and that 2060 will be the military take over. the economy is gonna crash and shrooms are gonna be legal. maybe they will make LSD. these will be the only drugs they have enough resouces for. now is just a time to see how people respond to unequality and shit positions.. if i get kicked out of federal housing, i should be able to still keep my social security and i will move into the SRO housing which will suck and i'll have less moneu for my shit, but i'll STILL BE ABLE TO SMOKE. that is all i fucking care about. i don't even feel like i deserve to do it all the time. like if i have to move to SRO housing, i'll just carry around a bowl all the time and smoke on the bike trail.i won't get kicked out of the housing, and cops can only fine me if they catch me. i'll have nothing to worry about. i'll be set.... i might fucking try to move to new mexico too, the only place where shrooms and weed are legal and live out of shelters for a while and see if i can meet any locals to be room mates with. get a fucking job at a dollar store or some shit, and just grow shrooms and play guitar legally.. idk. i feel like my guitar playing is good enough where someone would eventually help me. it might be kind of hard living in shelters for a while to meet the right people. like i might end up traveling the west coast. go from calorado even though i won't be able to work there in the winter, maybe there if i can keep my SS money.. i might it up oakland where shrooms are decriminalized and like shrooms aren't even decriminlized in washington but everyone is cool there... idk.. i just feel like there is some place for me... i feel like this might be a pain in the ass for the mods of this site to read, but it's a pretty uplifting story.. if you can't listen to the first few seconds of my recent clip of guitar playing and be like "yeah i guess someone will want to help this guy find a place to play guitar" i don't know, i feel sorry you are very unobservent.

anyways, crazy shit... i might update this thread with some more opinions and reflections about the world.. i have a big notepad of stuff i'm thinking about, but i wanted to post these synchronicities.. a crow was outside my window the other night at midnight too talking to me. i filmed it,, but i guess i could've made it with AI or whatever.


also here is high lights from the episode of space ghost coast to coast with slash the guitarist... it's why i'm allowed to be on social security, and why i think i'm the dude in the motts the hoople song when he goes "you in the glasses we want you in the front row" i'm also "bobby" from stone temple pilots song which i wrote about in this thread... if the dude got paid for perks of being a wall flower then i should totally get paid for my writing and experience. lol anyways, i keep saying that. understand me. lol:






just imagine all the characters are the same person. i talk about how my back is thrown out. that slash isn't really that great of a guitarist. the homophobia in this clip. that i'm like ghandi. all of this clip is one thing. that i can't play all my guitar pieces. that my back is out. i deserve SS money. i am like ghandi for the future. no shit. that's what that episode of space ghost is about. it happened on the other side. i'm the dude in the motts the hoople song. all the young dudes carry the news. lol
 
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i realize i have no proof that i posted before that poster in the thread about crying on may 9th... but i will leave it up to you whether or not you will believe me with my other examples of what i call synchronicity.... sorry if you find that lame... there are all types of people.
 
Look, I hate posts with huge paragraphs, but when it comes to synchronicity, there's something there in my opinion. People have invented the same things around the same times in different parts of the world before we had rapid communication. Ideas have suddenly appeared and were realized/materialized into inventions or whatever at pretty much the same point in time on opposite sides of the world. Maybe history didn't accurately record the speed the information moved, or, the ideas just come to us from somewhere, and more than one of us at once. So where do those ideas come from?
 
i think it's funny the way everyone comments about my paragraphs... the paragraph separation in any books i've read never helped my eyes at all.


i dunno at that question....




i get that this is hard to read too, but parts of it stand clearly as thoughts.... definitely took me longer to write than anybody will spend reading it...


i'm not too thrilled about this site.. i just use it as a way to send my writing through the internet hoping the higher ups at NSA or the CIA will read.
 
Okay. What about synchronicity. Does it come from somewhere? Is it just a coincidence?
 
Electrum1 said:
Okay. What about synchronicity. Does it come from somewhere? Is it just a coincidence?
Click to expand...
i believe it's because all thoughts get processed and influence the activity of what's going on. sometimes that comes back as a reflection in the form of synchronicity which is like poetry... i say "through the other side" that there is a higher part of the brain that we can't really grasp in this life in a way that makes sense,,, but i tend to read everything like poetry. it has no definite meaning, but i seem to be in places where bizarre stuff happens when i let my thoughts and feelings guide me while interpretting things that have meaning. that it feels better to believe and i believe i see more by believing.... i was listening to the first limp bizkit album as a kid, and thinking about the "god i love you" part where fred durst screamed. i remember there was a crow looking in my window. i always thought it was something like the raven poem. the raven seems to be talking or something in the poem. i don't even really know what that poem is about to this day.. i don't know why i thought the raven had some underlying meaning about god. i just wanted to believe. i think this gave me the faith to really start to be in the right place at the right time and see nature's unfolding which might not even be intended to make sense.


maybe we are just choosing where we have thoughts. like a person could turn the t.v. or radio on and hear a clip of something and it would have meaning to them. the person is in the right place at the right time.. i'm just trying to unconsciously drift until i'm in the right place at the right time. i mostly just try to please my self and look at the world to reflect poetry back at me. that i let everything stir my thoughts and i believe this is putting me in the right place to experience sychronicity.


that i really think people that never find this higher power occurance could just be bad at being in the right place at the right time. i don't know if it's because deep down they just didn't have the right faith....... this whole thread is about that i might not be remembering things correctly though.
 
foodcrisis said:
i believe it's because all thoughts get processed and influence the activity of what's going on. sometimes that comes back as a reflection in the form of synchronicity which is like poetry.[/B]
Click to expand...

What are the thoughts processed by or through, or within? A greater force so to speak? Or what?

Do the thoughts just come to us sometimes, maybe given to us, or maybe come from within us and spread outward into some kind of synchronic network that then distributes
 
i think the synchronic network might be electricity and it's possible there's more to electricity than we really know. electricity is connecting everything and vibrating all around us or something...


i'm not really sure what purpose this is all existing for, but i think it's mostly so people can create art and music and others can enjoy it and the art and music will come back again through other people in different parts of history. i'm not sure what extent that will come, whether it be people creating similar works, or like someone like mcjagger or jimmy hendrix or any modern musicians, people just straight up come back again with the same voices doing the same shit.. i'm not sure what extend the average person should be shown art and music through out history because of this.

i was on a website makeoutclub.com where a lot of the people thought that art and music was taken from some one source. that all this stuff comes back in the universe. i believe they were calling it "the singularity". most of the real talented musicians were dropping acid and talking about the singularity. that site was the only people i've ever heard talk positive about having schizophrenia. how i was posting pics of my friend with bizarre scarification from the site, and some other fucked up stuff about it like people giving each other herpes in this thread, i really feel like the CIA must've been watching the site i really feel like all these bands must've won the war on drugs, but it seems that something evil is going on and drugs are meant to be illegal as a form of torture or they think drugs are for people that can make their way through society and hide them... i'm hoping 2060 the economy will crash and drugs will be legalized. i don't know why issac newton would've talked about 2060... some amazing music has been made with LSD... people aren't really talking about it on the internet anymore. i wonder if it has already been said... i'm hoping new people will be working with NSA and reading this site and i will confuse them. they will have to go to a higher up thing like the CIA or something and people at NSA will learn more......

i really also think i may be on some form of dead internet where i'm in some type of truman show type situation, so this is how i'm contacting people incase they gang stalk me.. i upload and delete a lot of shit to you tube too.. it's kind of psychotic, but it kind of helps me.. i try not to turn to BL and post too much, but sometimes i just like to hit keys and type. it feels good.
 
i think it'd be funny if in the future someone had similar hormones as say mcjagger and then they restarted the bands through like hollywood productions and tricked society into thinking the people from the 1900's and early 2000's kept coming back as rincarnations.. lol.

it'd be so fucking awesome, if they had only a secret society that knew the original music of the 1900's and early 2000's and they just created like different types of pop music to see how bands can form. like maybe the rolling stones or whatever bands really would come back and be all the same shit.

i really feel like the same compositions in music will be done though and maybe even similar types of minds will do them.. maybe someone that draws a certain way will create certain guitar stuff or something.. really think that's gonna get observed if they save everything on the internet.
 
i don't feel comfortable that my answer to blue light poster Electrum1 in this thread about where synchronicity comes from was possibly "the synchronicity". not sure if i mentioned in this thread about believing in spirits that have conflicting energies or meaning when interpreting synchronicity. i believe i did. i should go back and read the whole thread. i know in recent posts i believe it should be pretty easy to read that i speculate synchronicity comes from prayer, or i did say people are praying whether or not they realize it or believe in it.

i googled "cultures that believe synchronicity is a form of enlightenment" and it says "Synchronicity, or meaningful coincidence, is viewed as a sign of enlightenment, spiritual awakening, or alignment with the universe primarily within Vedanta Hinduism, Taoism, and New Age spirituality. These cultures or belief systems interpret synchronicity as evidence of cosmic interconnection, where internal states map to external events, indicating a shift toward a higher consciousness."


i believe it's possible i was in an MK ultra like experiment as a child where i was brainwashed at a very young age to always keep in the back of my mind that something spiritual was happening and that synchronicity had higher power. that the ideas were put deep into my subconscious so that i would be able to find this power later on in life and become conscious of it. i can't say enough i believe the CIA did stuff like project sun streak and a lot of their known mk ultra experiments because they have secret knowledge of how technology and the mind works through either alien contact (the aliens studied planets just like earth before us and gave us the knowledge to set up modern society, either through some form of secret government computer or transmissions similar to what we know as V2K technology, OR there was tremendous amount of scientific research that was done by a genius occult society on secret military bases that are undocumented in history.) ... if this sounds like crazy gibberish to you, please read about project sun streak and MK ultra experiments done by the CIA. i can get further into how i believe there were secret military bases around areas of the world where oil leaked more than others and they had things like electric guitar music and indoor heating/plumbing in area 51 like cities that weren't documented by explorers. i can really conjure some great imagery and bizarre movie ideas what they could've been studying in cities like this.

i just want to give an anecdote about how there is no real truth or flow to what synchronicity wants a person to do. that i always get disturbed that non-dualism or the singularity and the interpreting of synchronicity is going to get people to think everything is one force and something has to be done because of what is being interpreted... i don't know. this thought takes me in different directions, but i want to share an anecdote about how i walk around flicking through the radio, interpreting hidden cosmic messages or at least letting what i hear and see affect me as poetry, and i believe birds say to me "yes. your thoughts are sincere.".... .. .. ............ .............. .............................................................................................................................................................. i wrote in this thread about how i found great meaning in a crow coming to me just after midnight when i was in an intense thought process. it's documented on my you tube. there is no need to check, because it obviously could be some type of editing AI type deal, but i know this bird came to me at midnight. i saved it on my you tube for my own sanity. i write how even starting to believe these types of things could be considered problematic but it seems to promote positive results in feeling with my brain chemistry and that's what i'm all about... i will get into what i think the bird at midnight meant to me later on, but i will say i began to say there were two specific incidents where i believe i was challenged at night to call birds. i was put in situations where what i wanted would've been a very obvious encounter with crows. i will only give one of the experiences, because i believe what i was thinking in the other experience - to describe what i was thinking could trigger some one to do something bad. i'm trying to stay away from that. i have a lot of bizarre thoughts about how things may've been done in the ancient occult military bases that i speak of in the previous paragraph. i can't really talk about that stuff on the internet..... ... ... . . anyways, back to my story about why i summoned a crow at midnight very recently: in reality some time within the last season or so, i was walking down the street a few hours after it turned dark. anyways, two girls were walking down the other side of the street. they could've been younger than 18, they could've been around 21. i didn't really know, but one of them gave out a pretty awesome and kind of hot bark. i'm pretty sure this was two real girls. i don't know if i just hallucinate people walking down the street as a result of my schizophrenia. it sucks cause i always hear voices all the time, and i'm not sure if it's a sign i'm slipping in and out of schizophrenic delusions, but i'm pretty sure the girl barked at me cause she wanted my attention. i just kind of smirked and walked by unsure if their energy was directed at me... anyways, if a crow were out in the dark, probably not if it were the day because of how young they were, but if a crow were to like swoop down between us and kind of imply that some type of energy was occurring, i probably would've thought that we knew each other. anyways, in my reality, the girls would've been hot with me in porn with them. like if there were a crow there at night, i probably would've been like "yo is that crow really there?" to them and then talked to them about synchronicity and how god wanted them in porn with me. like TBH, i would've been careful enough to be like "how old are you?" before saying anything about porn, but if there were a crow there making noise right after the girl barked. i really would've thought it meant something... i didn't. i only looked out of the corner of my eye. they were two hot some type of south american race chicks that were probably into that sexy radio hip hop shit that the women do now days. i don't think there is anything wrong with me wondering their age, even if they were underage. they could've even been 21, but you know when you don't know if a girl is a mature 15 or 21. that was this. it kind of fucks with my head though. i'm worried i'm gonna look at a young girl the wrong way and get convicted for grooming or something. fucked up... ... anyways back to the point of the story, there was no bird there at night when the girl barked at me. this got me thinking, i am only getting older. i hear people talking about how semen isn't as great when people smoke weed or when males start to hit a certain age. i'm also on meds and i'm not sure if that's making my semen shit. i think to myself, even if this girl was barking to get my attention, maybe she has no interest in me. i tend to believe in the power of the bird. bird is the word. i always let the bird influence my thought process.... ... .... over the couple months since my encounter with these girls, i tend to dwell on thoughts. it came up a few times in my thoughts that maybe i'm getting old. why wouldn't that bird have responded to that girl barking? maybe she was underage and the bird didn't want to get me in trouble. tbh. i think it would be funny if the bird were really there... anyways, i think a bird really came to me at midnight to give me affirmations of positivity in a different part of my life because maybe i am getting old or just because what i was in the act of doing (editing things for you tube with me acting like a bizarre strung out rapper over town) was positive.. i really don't know. i feel like birds have told me that i would be a good match for breeding with some women before. but i think maybe i am in fact getting old.... i was walking through town, and saw a girl that was probably my age 40 or even a little older and i knew a flock of near by crows would be squawking because we were the same age... i don't even think this occurrence was the truth, but i believe there was some common wave length between me and the girl... a few weeks earlier, i believe i may've actually been gang stalked in this situation. a girl was walking her dog that was a bit taller than me, and i was forced to talk to her because there was poop all over the snowy side walk. she actually sounded like the you tuber elise ecklund whose video i posted in this thread in a story about how a girl a few tables over in a restaurant i was eating dinner with my family reminded me of the you tuber and was making me cry through out the dinner with my parents, acting very bizarre and strung out.. i describe how i thought i was getting gang stalked. i only saw the that was walking her dog and reminded me of the you tuber once. i think maybe people might've had dogs poop on the side walk knowing i warn passerbyers about poop through previous gang stalking incidents and that they wanted to see how i would respond to the same type of girl with a cool accent IRL. anyways, this girl was younger probably of age, and i saw two crows in the tree right after i had the conversation with her. i thought it was a sign we were together on the same wave length and despite the fact we were not the same age, i could've hit her up. i really don't know. i don't really want to get a reputation of hitting on girls all over town. and saying weird shit about birds being a sign of synchronicity... i feel like by writing this, the gang stalkers i have, if they are real, will read it and have more girls pass by me trying to call birds. this will give less meaning to me if there are birds actually there thinking i am being gang stalked. i will probably never talk to any one.... ....

i tried to keep my thoughts above from becoming one large paragraph, but where i couldn't find any place to use actual paragraph breaks, i put bold to separate space for the readers eye. that i find no room for paragraph breaks. i'm sorry. this is how i would format the thoughts for this writing.

so what i'm saying is that synchronicity will point people in different directions.... i really want to testify my experience. i know people that talk to others about faith, and the people they are trying to get to see don't find it, and they find the preaching very off putting. i know that has to be out there, and that's not what i'm going for really. i think it's fine if you say "this person sounds mentally ill" about me. if i am being gang stalked, i know the truth about how i was molested as a child, and one of my closest childhood friends claims his father raped him, which may be his own schizophrenic delusion. i am writing from a place where i really have no idea what is going on and that sadly may be because i'm just delusionally hoping faith exists and skewing reality and remembering it as something it is not because i have been messed up so bad.

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anyways, this thread is kind of confusing, but if you read the whole thing, it's what is going on in my mind. people have different feelings about hearing from messed up people. i like my experience and what i am thinking. like i wrote, accurately tuning the same guitar compositions gives me more confidence that i am doing the right thing, or that i just don't care if i'm delusional because music is always there for me and i am doing something where i can google search the notes and it's said to be music. that on some level i'm doing something successful that gives me pride.



i've posted a few different times about being worried about cow farts destroying the ozone layer on this site.. i didn't know till google gave me a different result showing that the hole in the ozone layer is getting smaller the other day. it makes no sense that cow farts are bad for the ozone layer at this point because we never reduced the amount of cows. so whatever laws were made about burning pollution really helped and we don't have to worry about cows... some one should've noticed my posting that i was going psycho thinking cow farts are destroying the ozone layer all through out my time on BL and no one wanted to or remembered the hole in the ozone has been said to be getting smaller since 2016. lol. no one even noticed that... i've posted the thought in other threads too. lol. i know some ya'll gonna be like, "if you didn't post such large hard to read paragraphs, some one could've made sense of what you are writing".



anyways, i cry so much in public and have done such weird shit in the past that i believe i'm getting gang stalked. that video at the start of this thread where i post myself crying i believe should be worth money becuase of the facial expressions i make. that the first track is great too and i'm struggling and tearing up all through out it. the facial expressions i make are perfect. i believe they should give me acid and let me cry around people and let me be an instructor to help people make facial expressions that are conducive to helping their emotions.


i really want my story to be known... i'm working slowly on a biography that is way longer where i try to make myself out to be even more like a christ like figure that i'm not sure if i'll link BL too. i don't want to force any one to read this. i really feel like this thread hasn't been TOO MUCH... athough i could see how it could get on some people's nerves.. IT'S MY REAL EXPERIENCE... like i said, i feel like there are worse movies and books people see... sorry if this is like the worst thing any one has had to deal with.
 
i had to do the anecdote that is the extremely long paragraph because of my question from BL poster Electrum1. it's just a recent example of what happened to me.... i've been thinking a lot about it... i think the people i'm encountering might actually be gang stalkers too, and i'm getting gang stalked... i get BL could hate this, but posting this thread is kind of keeping me sane.
 
this thread compromised my experience with blue light, that's all i'll say. partially started going off cause JeanPaulDash, which is now a deleted member., but you can see her posts with the "Crack rock steady" signature. i have some screen shots of some of her posts with the same signature. i'm gonna upload them and talk about them in this thread again. she was on those websites i was on with people religiously giving eachother herpes because of global warming. i know now. i'm not that crazy... a friend of mine from back in the day stopped by my house after not seeing him in 15 years and he was telling me all shit about instant message conversations about bands i told him about back in the day, and i know now i remember the internet correctly. i'm pretty sure people from that site makeoutclub.com know about this thread and he was trying to give me positive affirmations that i'm remembering my history correctly. idk, maybe it wasn't a conscious thing and gang stalking that he came to my house, but he made me remember i'm not insane by any means with my memories. there are actually bands where the internet is claiming the artists are different ages than they really are they have been around years longer than what the internet is saying their music is being released.. i really don't give a fuck if this thread gets deleted. i'm updating this. i know the CIA and NSA know. i'm not questioning my sanity that hard at this point. i won't fake i'm insane as a joke.

i talked about how i'm not sure if a friend was dropping CIA mk ultra information to me and this dude from a few towns over killed his dad and my friends knew about it through the CIA. NO SHIT, YOU PROBABLY DON'T BELIEVE ME, BUT GO BACK AND READ COOL IDEA FOR A MOVIE! LOL. i thought maybe i was confused with my schizophrenia because my friend's name is dan and the town is Danvers, mass. LOL, but i really think if my friend isn't in a gang with the CIA and i'm not getting gang stalked by the CIA that i spiritually knew about the crime through the dream realm.. that through actually contemplating killing my father years earlier for gaslighting me which i believed was trying to get my sister to think drugs were bad ... i think i knew on a spiritual level that someone else was gonna snap and not be able to handle their issues. it was the person from danvers and i learned about it through spiritual information linking with my friend "dan's" name. there is something with space and prayer coming together with language... if i were to kill my father, i probably would've been in the same prison as that kid. it's a fluke in the universe. an error in the code. people have faith in the dream world through what they do and where they are from. through everything. i saw the future through meditating on the same shit.. i wasn't gonna kill my dad and i never would especially at this point, but i honestly really thought about it. i wasn't even meditating on doing it in a way that i was looking for reasons to. i just know i thought about it, and i think i really saw the future if my friend didn't tell me... maybe that's a sign i shouldn't take psychedelics or especially drop acid.. i dunno, i guesss it could be a memory fluke and i'm partially insane, but i'm into believing that time might not exist. that there is something to the mayans and isacc newton predicting that some great change would be going on in these time periods.


anyways, i want to update this thread that i'm still walking around my town miles a day very manic, shedding many tears, contorting my face in similar ways like ODB on his first album cover, and doing a lot of cool tai chi with an FM radio. i think it's the best thing i possibly can be doing. it's cool as hell cause i'm pretty graceful yet kind of retarded looking, but i'm crying a lot. people have to notice. it's fucking cool. i'm hoping what i'm saying on the internet will get me gang stalked and the government will know i'm righteous. i think i should be able to keep crying to prove how much i hate what i'm being shown for me and also for other people.

i have to move to smoke free housing in a few years. i will try to only take a few hits off the pipe and blow it in a smoke buddy. i don't think i will have any problems. i talked about how i will try to move some where where shrooms are legal if i can't keep smoking. idk. i'm kind of suicidal though. i don't know if i'll even be able to make it toking 2 grams in 4 hits a day through the pipe. i might just be kind of tired and sore from that. i bet i'll still get some HPPD. i don't know. i don't know if i'll even care to go on cause i got used to smoking so much.. i'll have extra money for fast food and money to paint sometimes and do whatever i want cause i won't be able to smoke as much as i want. idk. i just don't care. i love weed and life seems stupid to me. that luigi mangione got a proposed bill named after him that was a stab at the health care system in california. like maybe if i kill myself they'll see it as protest and it will be a step forward for people to smoke freely. i'd really like to do it, and i'll tell you why i'm crying. it's funny if i were to kill myself for not having enough pot, people would say this would be why to make pot illegal completley or have higher pot prices... wanting to kill someone that doesn't deserve to smoke pot (WHICH I CERTAINLY WILL NOT DO) but claiming to be a shaman and seeking vengence for not getting respect is also a really funny idea for a movie to me. i'll talk about that in the next paragraph. i think i was inspired by ODB. if i don't get "three million dollars by monday i'm gonna bring on the armegedon." lol. i just need to get high though and make my art. i ain't even down with riches.

cause like i mentioned, that tom petty's "let's get to the point let's roll another joint you don't know what it's like to be me" could be about the pride of being so great. that not everyone gets the same high as me cause they aren't great. that all my experience. all my music reviews. not even that i even have the ability to top myself doing art or music, but i still have relevant stuff. that i feel a lot of pride in my work. that it'd be a shame to go.. i was at the grocery store and i started crying today because i love the chester cheeto jalapeno pop corn, but the kettle cook chips suck. they are three dollars a bag. it's pretty cool. i wouldn't even want to eat that often. i love a selection of chips. a selection of food. chester cheeto is awesome. i hallucinate chester cheeto with HPPD. they used to put stuff like chester cheeto on acid tabs. i love america. i love the cross. i love cartoons. i love logos for clothes and cars and all the cool fast food establishments there are. i love what america could be and it's how i want to live.. i just know i deserve to get high cause i'm doing legitimate guitar tunings with ease under the influence of psychedelic drugs.. fuck lazy ass jerk offs lowering their quality of semen that are all gonna be smoking not even dealing with the frequencies and imagary of the universe. WHY SHOULD A SHAMAN HAVE TO DIE.... america is for people to TAKE DRUGS AND KEEP REPEATING THE SAME ART AND MUSIC IN A SHAMANISTIC WAY. 100% not for getting high and jerking off.

i don't think i will kill myself.. but often i feel like giving up. crying feels great. when i feel like giving up i cry. that can be okay.

IT's A FUCKING JOKE NSA HASN'T FLAGGED THIS AND CONTACTED ME. i SHOULD BE DRUGGED BY THE CIA AND PROOVE THAT I'M A CRAZY FUCKING GUITAR TUNER. I'm JUST SHOWING HOW SICK SHIT IS...

i really think i was in an experiment with the CIA as a kid. i'm really not sure. it was talked about on that website. i'm not sure if i thought of it and people just started pulling my leg and putting ideas in my head. it was actually on the internet. i hope that NSA is documenting the internet since the early 2000's.. it would be very much in my favor.

also it continuously makes me cry about things like drugs being illegal gets people in really bad situations and problems some of my friends have had problems many people have had. i've been thinking about how i heard as a kid girls who get raped skin feels dirty. i felt like my skin was dirty just from having bad experiences with my older neighbor. we put our dicks together at times and in each others mouth. it was his idea. it really made me feel awful because i didn't know what i was doing. it might not be like a girl getting raped, but i know what it's like to have my skin feel terrible... that i will say again how fucked it is that i am getting relief from spinal arthritis through bad shit... i like to concentrate on other stuff that makes me depressed. sometimes my friend's ex girlfriend getting raped at a rat dog (grateful dead side project) parking lot pops into my head. it makes me want to kill someone cause she shouldn't've had to have hide her nitrous use. then i think maybe she was stupid. how sexist men claim girls are asking for it. that she shouldn't've been doing nitrous in a van with dudes she didn't know. that she wanted to get raped so she could go and cry to try to get back with her boyfriend. fucked up shit. i hate it. makes me not really care what happens to me.

i'm not sure if this is really one of the reasons why i cry. it partially is. i have this thought and it provokes tears... that i am meant to write my experience on the internet. that getting drugged on anti-psychotics is just some perspective with how drugs feel with dopamine. that opiates and anti-psychotics feel very similar to me. that is very unique, but i know someone else out there will feel the same. there will be a person like me. that if they save my reviews of popular music, that someone in the future will be like me.. i'm really seeing hope in starting a secret file about me on the internet... that i feel like getting hit by a car, and developing spinal arthritis i can do tai chi and videos of me breathing can be saved with the CIA to help people from the future. that i don't think i will get credit in this life... i'm really trying to get my stuff saved. i honestly feel like if you check out my stuff, it's diverse and doesn't all make sense, but some of it is good enough that you should get if a great deal of other modern music is getting saved, why isn't my story getting saved. idk. sorry if you think i'm stupid.




i have some friends that live in the city that i'm going to write to and look for housing in the next couple years so i don't have to deal with smoke free housiing.. because i'm claiming that music on the internet that says was released in 2016 was really released in 2004, i don't even know if they'll help me.. i'm gonna say i don't mind if people gas light me i guess. i'm going to give away some paintings i did on acid and hope people accept them as gifts and want to help me.. i have one that is super trippy. it's very textured and won't look good over the computer.. i'm going to send my acid ones to people i know as a faith thing because they are 100% good. i might try to do some more of them though if anybody has a PO box or anything and wants one.. idk. i really want to keep painting, but i don't have a lot of room. i'm going to look for galleries to work with. i don't htink anyone is going to help me though... maybe i can get an apartment with some friends though.. i want to be able to keep playing drums and not having to take a trip 15 minutes away to the woods to play. idk. that's gonna suck. idk if i'm gonna care to do that.. really makes me feel like giving up. sucks i won't know for a couple years if people are going to help me.
 
ehh... i kind of hate doing this thread, but i'm really remembering everything i said to a friend days after taking a pretty hefty dose of 5meo-amt in 2004. in this thread you will find me talking about musicians that were out in 2004 on a website off of the site "maketouclub.com". i give info about how you can find some info on this site, but i am divulging with no proof more into the site than is on the internet now days... one of the members that messaged me cause of a band i was in which you can find in this thread had connections to kurt cobain. it was a hot site on the internet with members doing some really bizarre political and prayer oriented stuff, which i found kind of disturbing and didn't believe was the way. some of the members were making some pretty amazing and objectively good music with psychedelics, and for whatever reason now they are releasing the stuff again on you tube around 2016 and not really going hard that psychedelics are "performance enhancers" as a thread that was on the internet intensely mentioned in 2004 . you can scroll to the video titled "fraternal twin" and find my story about some pretty cool people instant messaging me, which i believe was probably about my band. the band fraternal twin's main member that had the screen name "FraternalTwin" on AOL instant messenger, and he really did instant message me for whatever reason. there is a story why i put him on block along with the owner of K records (kurt cobain had a tattoo with their logo) for having "narcotic" in his AIM profile which is one of his known recording projects. i previously link this website where you can find calvin johnson was on the site and they were using instant messager https://dailydot.com/makeoutclub-emo-punk



anyways, in this thread i was talking about how i said bizarre shit to a friend in 2004 in a conversation in person with out really mentioning it through the site's boards myself. i believe i was being recorded cause we used to record each other talking and play the recordings back in noise music, playing the recordings forward and backwards to see if hidden messages would come in reverse. i really wasn't sure if his computer was recording, but i might have been recorded saying some really bizarre shit why a new member of the site could ritualistic commit suicide following through with what i thought were suicidal lyrics to find that there is a general opinion in nature that comes back through reincarnation... pat clifford was the member of the website whose computer i had this conversation in front of. i made pat cry with all the intense shit i spoke of. there was a thread "it's pat from no one's heroe's" which was his band. he wasn't a prominent poster on the website but our friend dave santella's brother james santella was in a band harmony set with gibby miller who owned the domain of the site makeoutclub.com so i'm pretty sure they fucked with this kid cause i was so adimently insane... after i had the bizarre conversation with pat strung out on drugs claiming that i was speaking possessed with the power of christ, he decided to post this thread which a lot of bizarre cryptic stuff that seemed to allude he was talking about the intense conversation i had with him where i documented how the site affected my trip causing me to think about this member possibly ritualistically committing suicide. i was talking to pat about what i saw and read on the board, uncertain of whether or not he was on the site at the time, but knowing he knew about the scene. i was describing at his house about being very immersed with the board because of politics and veganism being righteous because of the hole in the ozone layer and cow farts possibly making it worse with methane. it was a conversation about being righteous v.s. just accepting life and accepting whatever you can get if you have the opportunity to be happy.

there were members of the site getting herpes because of global warming, or at least they were claiming to have herpes because they weren't having kids because of the hole in the ozone layer. john howard was a dude on the site in my home state in the local music scene. he was in the band moment. idk. you can find their music on you tube. the kid who commit suicide jesse hannawalt who i got obsessed with because i thought one of his lyrics was "a synchronicity with my life" which i will explain in the next paragraph. john howard had a girlfriend Ginn and they were always posting on the site board.honeypump.net off of makeoutclub.com where i remember BL user JeanPaulDash's screen name was as i mention much earlier in this thread. Ginn and John howard had a child. i know the CIA can fact check this. hardcore political vegans having kids on the site where people were getting herpes. the now dead jesse hannawalt was having great times conversing with john howard...

i was taking all the pop music i've heard out of context saying all of modern pop music was loosely associated with my life. that i was the "you in the glasses" wanted to take a stand in the motts the hoople song "all the young dudes carry the news." Ginn and john howard were having a kid. there names really got in my head. john howard's band moment was a popular band on the site and Jesse hannawalt who is documented on the internet to have committed suicide several years later was documented to have a lot of fun conversing with the band on the site. he was a younger musician with a strong love for veganism. i was not a vegan. he was pretty immature from what i remember, saying that he really hated meat eaters. i believe he had a lot of hope with john howard and Ginn having kids... i have no idea, but i thought the site could make a political change with how strongly some of the people on the site cared about the planet. i ate a lot of veggi subs from sub way and peanuts, but i still ate my family's meat that they cooked. i felt pretty bad about myself. i used to take dramamine hoping to overdose cause i loved the taste of meat. i really didn't like it.

i got to thinking about all of jesse hannawalt's posting on the site. there were pictures of him eating vegan food with his mother... there were a lot of people on the site who were kicked out of their families house because of having bizarre political beliefs and expressing their opinion... there were a bunch of different scenes of people on these boards. john howard and jesse hannawalt were from the massachusetts DIY scene. a lot of members from mass were on the site, but everyone on the site wasn't really on the same page as far as how far they were going with their bizarre and what i'd consider hurt and unnecessary spiritual beliefs. some people on the site considered it kind of funny that Jesse hannawalt was kind of bragging about the relationship he had with his family and posting the pictures of how much pride he had with his mother. i don't know. i percieved it that way... i think i already talked about this. i started talking about why jesse hannawalt could, because people are so fixiated that "Christ died for our sins". that jesse hannawalt could also die and create a shock wave where i would call a hawk on camera the day of writing a poem about a hawk on their board after it's death. i am paraphrasing what i already wrote in this thread....... i mention "ginn and john howard" from massachusetts who are real people NSA can document were on the site... because i was listening to Jedi mind tricks song "heavenly divine" while on the site in 2004 when all the hoopla and celebration of ginn and john howard's kid was on the site. john howard's band moment had a lyric about not over breeding. it was funny to me, they were having kids when other members of the site had herpes. it seemed people were maliciously giving each other herpes. who knows, maybe it was all just poetry or something and no one had herpes. i'm really not sure. all this stuff was on the internet though. i have the picture of the bizarre scarification my ex girlfriend had from being on the site in this thread. you can find the picture... ... ... anyways, in the song "heavenly divine" by jedi mind tricks by the lyric is ""Above the head of evil djin who's deadly like tornado."" it sounds like Ginn john howard the vegan member of moment's wife that jesse hannwalt that commited suicide loved. LOL> that i was saying to my friend pat who i believe recorded me and posted about what i was saying on the site that John howard and Ginn should've used the internet to express their story that even having one kid would be too much for the world to handle.. i don't know. that wasn't their thought process. they thought having a kid was part of their love and who they were. i wouldn't have thought anything wrong with it, but i had serious schizophrenia that all of modern pop music was like code word slang vaguely describing my life because i'm "the head of the "the verbal hollogram". john howard's lyric is "Don't over breed, just take as much as you need." idk they were talking about needing to bring life into the world. i thought every lyric was about me though. i was called "bobby" as a child. i've thought since i was a kid that i was the "bobby" in "Creep" by stone temple pilots which i write about in this thread because my who i thougth was my friend older neighbor caused me so much pain... that i thought that "Djin" was confused with "ginn," and the subject was skewed. the song "heavenly divine" was intentioanlly written using bizarre stories from history or religion, whatever "Djin" is, i don't know, but it was "Ginn" to me. that it seemed wrong for these political activists to even have kids. i was very worried about global warming and other people were too. i was saying to my friend pat. that i wasn't supposed to have kids because the girls with herpes on the website. that verbally and with though everything is a prayer, and that there really is going to be a problem with too many people on the planet some day even if cow farts don't cause the hole in the ozone. we thought it might. you can still read on the internet that plenty of people thought that.... that i thought the site "makeoutclub.com" was like some holy prayer through calvin johnson being on the site and kurt cobain having a k records tattoo. everybody knowing kurt cobain could some how change the world. that the band Fraternal Twin was using lsd as performance enhancers and maybe we could legalize drugs and start meditation communes where the girls with herpes could live in peace... that john howard had a kid with "ginn" as a mistake for me to interpret that all words form thought even if you take something out of context. i was hearing "djin" as "ginn" and my prayers were strong. for years i listened to "evil Djin" thinking about Ginn, and i think if Jesse hannwalt didn't consciously kill himself because of bizarre things i said, that i fucked with time, making him feel bad in his unconscious mind through everything being connected through prayer and maybe i'm the reason he got addicted to drugs and OD'd.. idk. the site was kind of a bad influence. i think even if i'm a bit schizophrenic, i'm hoping NSA or the CIA will read my words and try to find out about what was going on, or have the internet saved and kind of say "you know what, this kid got led down the wrong path. that's a sad story to be remembered" and they will document the real story.

i said some pretty sick shit to my friend pat about the board. that jesse hannawalt was just in a good situation with his family. that he wasn't screwed up as a kid being raised correctly, and he could think correctly. that i was saying that he had a lot of pride in his music (which i liked but would go on to kind of diss). i mentioned to my friend pat that jesse hannwalt was having a good time in pictures that he posted to the site. i described how i was a drug addict and just addicted to "stimuli" to quote method man. that i was amazingly talented with drugs though. i described that i was tortured to make me a better person. i wasn't really sure that i was right... i mentioned that jesse hannwalt was having a good time in pictures because his music was cool as hell and he could have any girl on the site that he wanted and i thought it was kind of fucked up but not really wrong he had this pride. i just described it as not really righteous and kind of silly. that things were coming easy to him... i'm pretty sure my friend pat talked on the site about "evil ginn" and why we should try to make some type of population control laws...

i was saying that deep down, people are just greedy. that jesse hannwalt could stomach high fiber vegan food and he was bothering his family with it. that he really enjoyed it and that made it easy for him to switch to veganism. that i wasn't enjoying trying to abstain from meat. that he was putting meat eaters down, but he deep down was just greedy and having an easy time enjoying himself being self righteous cause not eating meat was right and doing the right thing felt right to him. everything came easy to him. that he was very happy having access to any girl he wanted. he was a small scale star.. i don't know. the thoughts crossed my mind so i said them to my friend in privacy. i really didn't even intend for him to hear about how hard i critiqued him. i wanted my circles of friend to know this interpretation of his lyric that he released in 2004. for whatever reason in this song it sound like he says "Down at the roth". i will describe what this means to me.

in 2004 i had this girlfriend rachel shaw that lived in the town forty minutes away that my friend nick from my home town moved to after we had a band in high cshool, and we had this mutual friend alex roth. his mother had cool paintings and we used to enjoy going to his house. one time at his house, our friends left me and rachel in a room where we were sitting alone. i don't know. we made out. i got really uncomfortable and jumped up during the make out session. i didn;t like that we could've been watched... i was very confused by the lyric "Down at the roth" written by jesse hannwalt that i heard over the internet a few weeks after rachel broke up with me... i'm not even sure that's really what it says in his song, but i thought me and jesse hannwalt had some type of connection through his unconscious mind writing the lyrics. that i infact was "Down at the roth" from all i can hear. i would've loved to marry rachel shaw. that him saying "Down at the roth" was like saying "All i care about his my life with my girl and my kids prosperity." that he was wrong for this. that having kdis to dudes was just the ability to fuck a bitch and get high. that down at the roth was loving making out. that it was unconscious greed. that life is about your orgasm. that i knew he wanted to have kids like john howard. that i guilt tripped him into killing himself cause i misinterpreted his lyric "Down at the roth". that JeanPaulDash and other members of the site had herpes cause we shouldn't have kids,.. that "Down at the roth" was a connection to "evil Ginn" being a prayer as "evil djin"

here is the song with the lyrics "Down at the roth":

<iframe style="border: 0; width: 100%; height: 120px;" src="https://bandcamp.com/EmbeddedPlayer...work=small/track=1052313026/transparent=true/" seamless><a href="">friends crossing - demos by friends crossing</a></iframe>


i remember saying to my friend pat that someone should hit me with a car and i should bother the nerves in my back playing guitar and working in a warehouse to call birds. i got the idea cause people were cutting themselves because other people were in pain. i said this was disgusting, and i would mind link with them not praying properly. that prayer was actually the ways of christ, and you are not supposed to cut yourself or get tattoos, but i believed that staying conscious of other people was how prayer worked and they were actually very righteous for trying to cut themselfs. i was really hurting myself in 2011 and 2012 when i was 27 years old. i was trying to fall over and die from the injury fucking with my CNS because it was 2012 and all the famous musicians died at 27. that it was signifigant magic numbers. i don't know how this went over. i was saying that i should be in pain because i sold 5meo-amt as lsd and did some other really not so cool stuff to people. that i could've hurt someone. i was hurting my back for years experiencing pain because i believed that i was wrong. i was saying that drunk drivers should get their backs thrown out by cops so that they are always in pain and have to think about their wrong doing. that endangering someone's life is that big of a crime. that imposing things on people was bad.

i believe i experienced synchronicity with my friend and ex-girlfriend with the scarification getting her to not cut herself. i don't know why i was throwing out my back. i no longer believe being in a pain is a proper way to prayer. i believe it was something i was experiencing though.. i was trying to end pain in 2012... i was working in boson mass and a lot of the members of the site i thought i had faith with were from allston. i remember telling my friends that i would get lost in allston and find a hawk catching a pigeon and destroying it at the top of a telephone pole because the rapper kool keith has a rap "When that hawk catches that pigeon" or i thought he did. i can't find it at this point... some girl that i think was on the site, but i didn't know her watched the event. i should've recorded it, but i was afraid it would make the bird fly away. i think members of the site were watching for me to find this event. i was saying that because of my screwed up childhood i thought i was going to be gay as a kid and that caused me a lot of pain with my parents disapproval. that i realized i was straight and this was kind of painful. that i rea;ly feel like i found the spirit of the hawk and eagle an animal which never has homosexual or bisexual encounters unlike most other animals.. i got the idea that i would be able to call hawks from the band crown hate ruin's album "Until the eagle grins." i was telling people on this site that they'd be able to find a torn apart pigeon carcass and all the feathers in allston. . i was saying this was premonition that jesse hannwalt should kill himself. there is an early video on my you tube that was posted a few weeks before the news story about jesse hannawalts suicide. i was telling my friend molly in 2008 before the suicide of jesse hannawalt that i would find an underwater bird in boston if they let me meet a specific red head girl from the site whose picture i thought was pretty at the popular bowl shop. this sounds kind of weird. maybe my video of this bird going under water to hunt fish that i have a few weeks before jesse hannawalts death is making me schizophrenic and it's all a coincidence, but i was really talking to this stuff to my freinds. i don't know if my freind molly really went on to say all this stuff that i predicted to her over the phone or if the conversation just went right over her head and she ignored me. i told her that she should record my phone conversations and i'd give her ways to save the world with black magic. i believed we found a lot of synchronicity together.. i kept talking about jesse hannawalt "Dying for our sins" and his own sins. i remember saying i would put certain stuff on you tube and that it was all signs he should kill himself. i was dissing him because i saw his stereotypically gay brother on internet videos for some fund raiser. i remember expressing a lot of distaste toward gay people. i thought he had lyrics about slitting his wrists. i've always thought slitting the wrists could be like a violent form of prayer. that it's self destruction on such an intense painful level. that there is ending life with hatred in a lot of people's feeling. idk. i was saying that if i called these birds he should kill himself. i was telling molly that he should get addicted to drugs and OD because he loved his brother or he could violently slit his wrists like i thought his song was about to express my distaste toward gay culture. i have no idea. i was telling my freinds he could ritualistically OD because i was right that he was a striaght lady loving man and had the spirit of the hawk, but he really loved his brother and didn't think it was wrong. i don't know. i thought it'd be cool to put gay people down with black magic. because of how he died, and being able to call the hawk screaming days after his death, i really feel like his peacefully OD'ing makes gay people okay. till i found more detailed stories of his death, i thought he violently commit suicide cause i had to hear about gay culture as a child and it ruined my childhood. WHOOPS!. i'm cool with gay people now.. i don't like any body that gets plastic surgery or takes hormone pills to change their voice still though and i'm addimant about writing about that. i'm gonna write about how i think trump is kind of cool and sincere even though a pretty big jack ass. i knew there is a pod cast he's on were he is talking to a guy that went into the jungle to do a DMT ritual and trump seems sincerely interested and like he gets how the person would want to have that experience. i totally think the trans limiting stuff is good. i love that trump is in home alone too. that's kind of getting side tracked though. i'm just saying i'm cool with gay people and get how people like being with the same sex even sexually... i just was saying some REALLY FUCKED UP STUFF. i don't in the song with "Down at the roth" he says "that's just blood on my floor". when i first heard the song i saw his brother. i was saying that jesse was my real brother. lol and we were proud of each other through liking chicks>> IDK!

i had a specific song in AGF guitar tuning that i still don't even play how i want when i do it solo. i remember telling molly my friend with the scarification that i'd call all these birds that i did and it was a sign that jesse and i should do a simon and garfunkle project... BUT IN AN ALTERNATE REALITY, THAT HE COULD KILL HIMSELF!!!! BRO I HAVE NO IDEA. I JUST WANTED THIS KID TO PLAY GUITAR FOR ME SO I COULD SING THIS SONG I DO PROPERLY>. i KNEW GIRLS ON THE SITE GOT A KICK OUT OF HIM, SO I FUCKED UP MY BACK IN 2011 and 2012 calling hawks to get people to back me and i think he just felt bad like he should kill himself so i could get a video of a hawk screaming.


you can go back in this thread and find the news story about jesse hannwalt over dosing. there is nothing about me pressuring him to "Die for our sins", but i said some pretty fucked up stuff to my friend, and i think it went to the website. that's his fault to start this imo. i just wanted my friend rachel shaw to know about "Down at the roth". i didn't feel right telling her. i thought maybe pat who i had the original bizarre conversastion with wanted to tell her. i thought maybe she would like me and think maybe we would be like john howard and ginn and have one kid. pat was a vegan. maybe he could help us be vegan and we could be righteous, but i think they saw that even john and ginn having one kid is taking a lot, if we all had one kid and global warming were real. that it would be too much... at this point in history now, i really think there is going to be no room to get along at some point, but there is enough resources and the ozone layer has been healing since 2016 so i'm not seeing any reason for population control. it's okay if things are crowded. they will just at some point have to limit how many kids people can have kids. .. i don't think the serious nature people had because people were worried cow farts would end the planet was a bit too much, but things they did were unnecessary. i believe that getting herpes cause you don't want to think about having kids is beautiful in some ways. .. i don't think it's really that great that the ozone layer is healing and some people can't have kids because they got herpes. lol. idk. i guess that's how life is.. ...... .. ...... if my friend molly was talking about more bizarre shit i said about jesse hannwalt ritualistically killing himself in 2008 to people on those boards with out me knowing, i feel like it's pat's fault for starting the thread "it's pat from no one's heroes" and having all the members write the bizarre cryptic stuff which pressured jesse hannawalt to kill himself cause of my black magic calling birds.


anyways, i was talking to my friend molly whose picture is in this thread with the scarification about jesse hannawalt killing himself even more in like 2008... no shit. i guess it's not good for these people if this stuff actually happened and it can be fact checked by the NSA. i don't think there's anything they could actually do. i don't know if the artists that were releasing their music in 2004 and then claiming it was originally written in 2016 were even aware of all the bizarre stuff i was saying to my friends, but i kept talking about why this kid could commit suicide because the lyric "Down at the roth" in the song i linked. i kept talking about what it meant to me, and how skeptical i was about human nature. i don't know. i don't really think people are bad, but i don't know. i was saying people are in fact bad.


i think people doing bizarre stuff on the site pressured this kid into suicide with stuff that i said. you can go back in this thread and see even more reasons why i said he could commit suicide and "die for your sins". that something with always hearing "jesus died for your sins" made me think that..... sorry if this story hurts people.. i think it might be too confusing and bothersome for the site, but i'm hoping it reaches NSA. that the videos of Fraternal Twin i posted were on the net in 2004. you can see the drummer has a marijuana t shirt in the video. they were using drugs and proud of it. i thought we were going to win the war on drugs. i'm really confused about what's going on. i think i might be in some type of truman show and because i got someone to kill themself saying humans were bad, they know i'm just greedy for caring to live, and no one is going to help me. that i can't top some of the art and music i've made and there's no reason for me to go on.. i really don't know......



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here's a video that was coming out around 2004 from a member of the site who i was very fond of. he was a meat eater that didn't care if the world went out in a burning mess because people are not so great is what i interpreted from what he had to say. maybe i'm not right about that... whatever is going on with him, i feel his love though. he is great. i don't know the exact minute of the lyric,, but the best song in this set is with the lyric "i'll think about you while cutting my lines." some of this shit is kind of boring, but it's super EPIC... there is a member of the audience that sounds kind of trans that he is playing for. i remember saying that jesse hannwalt could kill himself cause DUST FROM 1000 YEARS HAWK SPIRIT WAS ONLY TOLERATED THE MEMBER OF THE AUDIENCE WHOSE VOICE YOU CAN HEAR AT 26.07 in this video>>>> YEAH,, NO SHIT. i GAVE A TON OF REALLY WEIRD REASONS THAT I THINK WENT TO THE BOARD WHY THIS KID JESSE HANNWALT SHOULD OD... listen to the weird voice at 26.07 in this video.. listen to the whole clip in a spritual way to find the lyric "i'll think about you while cutting my lines." i don't condone cutting lines habitually really, but i do recognize that being conscious is a form of prayer:





^^^^^^i remember telling my friend pat that the person in the audience voice you can hear through out the performance would be cool if they were any gender, but it's just freaky to me, and that people should be their birth gender.. if that were a dude, i'd probably hang out with him, but it'd only be tolerated. that's a weird vocal frequency i don't really vibe with... IDK, IT'S JUST SOMETHING I THOUGHT....




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here is a painting i did recently "painting made before summer in 2026. studying the similarities between spheres and holes with a light at the bottom":













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i'd really like to move this thread to the writing section of blue light and set a warning that i'm schizophrenic and this might be me getting carried away with my imagination.. i'd like the thread to be on the writing part of the site because the public can see it with out having to have a long running user name with the site... i want to send this to some old friends on the site so they can know what's going on with me.. that maybe what i was saying about jesse hannwalt commiting suicide was never even mentioned on the site. i just remember weird cryptic shit beinng said about it, but maybe i was still tripping when on my computer and imagining shit.. i really think i'm remembering correctly, but i do consistently hear voices. i had a friend come to my house recently and start telling me about all stuff from AIM more than 20 years ago and i do know i'm some what rememebring the internet correctly.. i'm still very confused about all of this ritualistic suicide stuff.... i was definitely talking to the kid jesse hannawalt before he OD'd. maybe it's just fucking with me. he was reviewing some of my music.. IDK. i think i guilt tripped someone into killing themself using black magic and this is a story about it.

at least i think this is a cool idea for a book or movie and people can be entertained with it even though my writing might be hard to read. i say the same thing a lot through out this thread. i go back and read what i write... idk. BL can delete this thread if they want. i'd rather have a disclaimer that i'm a diagnosed schizophrenic and this might be my imagination in the thread... i just think this is kind of cool... idk. llike that girl i know was really raped passing out on nitrous at a rat dog concert. i was really molested as a kid. the CIA or NSA should fact check this shit... i'm hoping this thread can be moved by the mods to the writing section if anybody is reading this.. i'll try to contact the mods about it if no one reads this.. thanks.

sorry if reading this is bothersome too... i really believe that writing about my childhood and having to deal with my father putting me down about guns n roses v..s pearl jam and realizing that pearl jam is kind of more serious made a shockwave of prayer that made my female pitwieiler express the sylabble "oh my god i feel so bad for you.."" so i think torturing people to read this might be prayer... sorry if any atheists are reading this and don't like that.. hell, just think i'm a crazy goof ball, even dislike me if you want.. shit's all good. you'll probably be cast out by alien spirits for showing emotions or some shit. LOL.... GOD BLESS ANY ONE TRYING TO READ THIS AND FEELING BAD FOR ME!
 
i have no idea if i'm schizophrenic, but i've been documenting synchronicity pretty hardcore. i have some cool funny stuff documented that some people might believe is legit spiritual shit, but i totally fucked up documenting something that was super spiritual. i'll tell you about what i messed up documenting and then post the link to a blog describing videos of stuff that i believe is really my AM/FM radio sending me secret poetry... that everything i think has something in nature or with media that is making poetry out of my thoughts. this has been going on pretty hardcore and i'm able to document some of it. some of my attempts create nonsense, but there is a feeling when deep meaning occurs. i just know something is going on with the universe.

first let me talk to you about how i was writing to my therapist about how we would be good for having kids. i'm probably still going to have this therapist even though i kind of crossed a line. here is a link to my journal post to her https://robertleblanc85.livejournal.com/3239.html... ... .. .. in short, i was writing that because the therapist and i kind of look similar, and because she has a short hair cut that is parted in the middle and just over her ears with out bangs, and i have a hair cut with out any parts and just a cowlick in the back that also covers my ear in that shaggy way and bangs, that she would be an ideal partner for me because we both look good with short hair styles. my hair looks like shit when grown out to the length a lot of girls would want, so i've always been weary of having kids and this is one of the reasons i haven't had much of a sex life. i would like to have more of a sex life... because my therapist and i look good with shorter shaggy hair, if we had a daughter, we could be a short hair family. lol. seemed kind of beautfiul to me. some short hair girls are legit hot to me.

anyways, i linked my therapist to a blog where i was telling her how we would be good together. the thoughts of having children was really on my mind... a few days later, i was on a walk over the nature bike trail and saw a wild turkey with a tiny baby. you can see in this video:



if you can tell by the sky in this video that the air in massachusetts was affected by a recent fire in another state and check the blog was made before the fires. i dunno.

35 seconds into the video i saw very annoyed saying "wish we could check the date of the video." there was actually a school about 15 minutes away that i could've walked to on video and found the fucking date on a electronic sign and had the journal where i was talking about wanting kids so much documented with the date before... i'm so fucking let down with myself. i don't know if everyone would believe that because i was thinking so deeply about having kids, i saw the wild turkey with its baby, but some people would.. i guess there are some people that would believe my story. listen to my 35 seconds into the video say "wish i could check the date for this video". i dunno. i'm very annoyed. it would be pretty wild if i were a liar and making the dates that these things happened up fabricating a story.

michael jackson came on the radio when i was first filming the birds and i was thinking about having kids and felt super boxed in and paranoid that michael jackson is a supposed child molester. you can hear me at the start of the video say "michael jackson MK ultra" in my gangster rap impersonation that i think is fun to do. i believe people being exposed to priests and stars raping children is a form of MK ultra to test people's emotions. they are letting people get fucked up in society to study them.. i was upset not having a cell phone to check the date of the video.. i thought to ask someone the date near by, but figured that it wouldn't be absolute proof. i could've paid someone off to say a false date and then wrote the fucking journal entry that i believe spawned the turkey and it's baby to be in the location i would see,,

i totally forgot there is a school 15 minutes down the street with an electronic sign that has the date and i could've kept the video running to prove to my therapist and the world that my journal entry exposed the wild turkey and it's baby... i really fucked up. michael jackson being on the radio made me fucking paranoid and i couldn't think.. i totally fucked up. i feel like i may've even let the whole fucking world down.. i really feel like some people would've found meaning in this and i could've started a spiritual revolution... i'm hoping that i'm being gang stalked and people on the bike trail knew about me and my therapist. i really don't know. most people don't get a warm feeling about getting gang stalked. i've talked in the thread "listen to me talk about how spiritually advanced i am" that's in the longue about this. you probably think i'm crazy... i feel i may really be in some type of MK ultra like experiment since i was a kid.

so despite the fact i might be schizophrenic. i document the radio going along with my art and music and get real spiritual results. here is a link to a thread in the blog to my therapist that you can read where i am documenting on film me doing things like talking where the radio goes along with what i'm saying and doing. there are a few different examples. the radio most often goes along with my thoughts as i flick through the station. nature talks to me as well. it's a very strong connection to the universe. i may've fucked up documenting the event with the wild turkeys, but this stuff with the radio still has to at least be thought provoking to some. here's the journal entry. you don't have to check all the videos, but the stuff is there if you don't believe me and are intrigued.

https://robertleblanc85.livejournal.com/3019.html the blog with the examples of synchronicity for you to read


SSSOOOOO I DUNNO... THISSSS MIGHT BE REALLL SSSSSTUPID TO SSOME PEOPLE... MAYBE SOME YA'LL EXPERIENCE SYNCHRONICITY TOO HOUGH... DUNNO, IF I'M HOLY OR SOMETHING AND GOD IS WITH ME CAUSE I MAKE SUCH GREAT MUSIC AND REGULAR PEOPLE DON'T EXPERIENCE THIS STUFF. LOL... I HEAR PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET TALK ABOUT SOME PRETTY FAR OUT STUFF ON THE OTHER HAND.


i am so fucking down on myself about not documenting the date of the turkey.. fucking being afraid people are gonna call the cops on me and drug me with anti-psychotics made me scared to even ask people the date. lol. michael jackson on the radio made it so i couldn't think at all, and i got hopeless forgetting about the sign down the street with the date... maybe you can find in your dreams that i fucked up the whole fate of the planet. synchronicity could've reigned supreme... OH WELL, i still have hope i can perform some magic... thankss. lol
 
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kind of want this thread moved to the "Words" section of BL, so i can link some friends that aren't on BL to it, so they can read it.

if that can be done.. thanks a lot...
 
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