so i want to update in the present about my experience with crying. i feel like my dose of anti-psychotics is wearing off. i was hearing voices even on the higher doses, which is good for me. i was on a low dose for a couple years, and only able to jerk off once a day, but now since i've been on it for a while, i can jerk off like 3 i think i might've even jerked off 4 times in a couple hours. definitely at least three strong orgasms in a few hours. i jerked off one time a couple nights ago, and then jerked off again a half hour later. i could barely even squeeze out another load like 12 hours after a single jerk off session... anyways, i've been talking to the doctors about how i don't know if the anti-psychotics are stopping me from getting in intense states of meditation that come from getting depressed and crying for hours on end. i'm not sure they take me serious. i'm not sure if it's because what i'm presented in reality, but i cry so much that it keeps me awake. my breathing powers and heals my muscles through intense deep breathing. i haven't really been having insomnia, but i have been sleeping less. i have a lot more energy. the crying is pretty persistent, but i don't get into as deep states of breathing as i have before. i think the anti-psychotics might be slightly lowering the dopamine, which stops the intense meditation and i get cut off from crying after a certain amounts of breaths. i'm not sure. i've had experiences in 2011-2013 crying so much that i get insomnia. i just cry in bed all night. it feels pretty euphoric. at times i'm convinced i'm praying, so it seems worthwhile, but i'd rather be sleeping. i cry and all i can see is light....
on christmas i went out for chinese food with my prison guard uncle, grandmother, sister and father. my eyes watered the whole time, tears running down my face and i made faces like a monkey going insane, but still every time they tried to talk to me i was on point responding to everything like a sober person. i was pretty stoned. i was thankful to be eating chinese food. i believe my uncle is in a gang with the CIA and is actually vouching for me being super fucked up. i think people in my town have been keeping tabs on me. there is a group of people in my town that work with the police to keep the suburbs clean. i think they were saying stuff in the restaurant and having locals i haven't seen since a child come in to effect me emotionally. one guy behind me was like "every family has it's own unique dynamic" when i was having specific thoughts. i think they were trying to fuck with my schizophrenia but i was crying about different stuff. people around would say stuff and the words or at least the emotions would always be going with what i was thinking. the tones of people's voices were affecting me very strong. after the guy said "every family has a unique dynamic" my uncle was like "you don't even know who i know", and i'm not sure if it was in the string of conversation he was having or if he just randomly said it. i felt like people were fucking with me, but i'm not sure. i kept thinking about everyone i met through out my life and all the pain i've been through. i'd think about how much i love certain people, and then also how i believe in sacrifice. i was thinking about how my older cousin was OD'd on drugs when i was in middle school and his sister went on to have kids. i knew my female cousin pretty well and used to baby sit her daughter. thinking about them affected me hard. i thought about how people over dosing fucks with people's families. i thought maybe there is too many people for everyone to breed and my cousin just wasn't parent material, so he was put in the position to overdose. i don't know how hard my cousin's death really affected his sister, my female cousin. idk. i think my male cousin that OD'd might've not even been that great, but i remember him being cool. idk. i was thinking about how i deserve to die, and how i'm going to have to smoke less and i don't even know if i want to live. like i figure i'll be allowed to take like 4 huge rips of weed a day thorugh out the day. one hit of weed gets me stoned for a couple hours, so when i live in smoke free housing i'll be able to be high, but i want to be able to get fucked up baked all day long. i was thinking i should just kill myself. i was thinking about how if i commit suicide now, what my grandmother would think. i was thinking i probably appreciate life more than the average person... i was thinking a lot about how people judge people by how they look and i'm not sure if some people are just naturally attractive or enjoyable to look at or if some people are ugly.. when i got in the restaurant, this girl looked like you tube star elise eckland. i began to cry immediately thinking about how much joy elise eckland videos bring me. i was thinking about trans people. there is this trans musician on you tube that is a birth boy gone female and it looks like elise eckland but not enjoyable. i expressed distaste towards trans people in my head, but kept a cool perspective with low blood pressure shedding tears of love and pain. i still love girls even thought sometimes they resemble girls. i think make up is for people with vaginas from birth. i'm not sure i'm right, but i think that's probably what is good. this is elise eckland. she is this monotone girl that does you tube video. her jokes are that she is monotone. her videos aren't that funny, but i love her vibe. in this video she acts like a southern girl. she's not southern. check out her other videos. i'm not a huge fan of tattoos, but i like her tattoos. she is cool. this video is awesome:
i've been crying on and off non stop since creating this thead months ago. i haven't been taking any psychedelic drugs. psychedelic drugs would make this mediation even stronger. here is a story about my childhood. i've talked about some of this on BL before, but there are always new members of BL coming and going. a lot of this is for NSA. i'm saving this writing for my website. sorry if no one on BL wants to read it. i can't imagine that there isn't a moderator on BL that would go out of their way to check into my story. maybe no one is really paying any attention to me, but i think i had a life a lot like a movie and people like movies. i want people to know my pain. i'm sorry if this is hard to read i don't even expect people to make 100% sense out of it, but there are bits and pieces of knowlege you could pick out and get in my head. sorry if this is all over the place. i don't think it's really that hard to read. i've read it a few times.... i'd think there is communication between the BL staff, maybe there is at least one mod that doesn't mind reading my posts. part of this is just because i believe NSA reads the internet, and i want to fuck with it. i like BL too... after posting my last post about having to move to smoke free housing i was thinking "i wonder if any one on BL reads my post" and in my head i was thinking the words "oh my god i feel bad for you" and as i was thinking it my dog that i think reveals thoughts seemed to bark the exact syllables like it was saying "oh my god i feel bad for you." i think if anybody read my post the energy was sent through the universe back into my god to reveal "oh my god i feel bad for you." when i started writing this thead, i was thinking about whether or not i should post this. i heard crows saying strings of words, i forget exactly, but it was "fuck this" vibes. a sense of strong rebellion. i feel writing is the only way i can rebell. even if just NSA is viewing the internet, maybe they will realize i am righteous and in the future they can work to make change. drugs are apart of my life. drugs create my art. you may think my art is child like, but it's perfect art of the universe. it's very minimalist, but it is what it is supposed to be. my schizophrenia responds to the pride i get through my art and music and who i am and i get extremely enjoyable hallucinations.. i'm constantly hallucinating cool cartoons visually too. i have no power to make them consciously, but sometimes i unconscioulsy do the paintings. they aren't even impressive, but they look good, and consciously i can't recall information to create good paintings, but if i go unconconscious and get fucked up on drugs, i can make amazing stuff... i know drugs should be legal to explore art, and not just art, but their emotions. people are actually just allowed to get fucked up too. in the future, i think crack addiction will be socially acceptable. that's what my writing is about. generally people won't use drugs that hurt their body until after they have kids. society is completley gonna change up. i'm writing to give ideas for the future. NSA will reveal this. i'm hoping people from my town are gang stalking me because i've been crying and disturbing the peace for years. i've talked to a lot of people. i think the locals are worried about me. i'm pretty sure no cops are gonna fuck with me for smoking weed at federal property, and if the people running the housing catch me smoking, and know it's me they'll probably put up a sign or something. i'm gonna just take a hit at a time and use a smoke buddy, so i don't think anyone will notice. i'm hoping the housing inspector or whatever it's called is in a gang or something and just gonna be chill... i might actually have to go to jail though for smoking and i'm not sure i won't get put on anti-psychotics in prison. like they could say smoking on federal property is a sign i'm crazy, even if i'm not acting up. i have no idea i'm worried about getting put on meds that permanently turn off my schizohrenia. i don't know if i'd have the same will to live with out the voices. they really keep me going. anti-psychotics make me feel worse. idk.. if i get kicked out of federal housing, there's probably other places i can move. they don't take away my SS money for smoking on federal property. i can be homeless and they still send the money to the account says google. i hope that's the case.
here's the story of my childhood and some delusions that i'm presently having which are making me think about commiting suicide. i've been talking to my therapist about it. i think they are starting to realize that the meds don't get this shit out of my head and i prefer not to be on them. i think my therapist might actually be working with the CIA or a gang or something and knows that i'm actually apart of some MK ultra experiment. she seems to be expressing that it's not really a big deal if i have bizarre memories from childhood and it's okay if i am making art that i like while thinking about it.:
i feel spiritually compelled to make this thread.... i read the book published by mtv "the perks of being a wall flower" as a kid, and it was about this kid getting molested by his aunt rubbing him on her genitals. i thought it was an alright book, cause i didn't realize women did that. since then i always felt i was supposed to be a writer because of my experience as a child. not because i got molested is because i thought it was a good enough story, but because of my experience with being subjected to music as a millennial and also what i will write about how i felt my father was upset for me being molested, which at the time i wasn't even sure i was a victim. i began to think being born in the mid 80's was the best time to be born in for several different reasons. how i got molested was my neighbor two years older convinced me that we were supposed to press our genitals together for practice for sex with women at the age of five and i was a bit underdeveloped mentally for that age. i'm not sure if this began as a prank, but as time went on. he and the other neighbors began to make fun of me, which wasn't even the worst... my father was a super masculine homophobe that always talked about being macho and would use words like "fag" to express distaste,, because i got boners because of warmth and blood flow while pressing my genitals with boys, i began to think i would be sexually attracted to men as an adult. i thought my father would hate me if he knew who i was, which really got me down. i really was emotionally affected by listening to guns and roses. the guns and roses ballads were probably my favorite. i felt like the harder rock songs by zeppelin were fun in a special way though. this is still an opinion i have today. i'm not going to get super into how rock affects me in this thread, but compared to stuff on the radio in the early 90's like alice in chains, STP, and the whole grunge scence which i felt was more masculine than zeppelin and even guns and roses. i still felt like guns and roses, led zeppelin and pearl jam were in the same league musically compared to a lot of grunge, metal and 80's metal on the radio. zeppelin, pearl jam and guns and roses was like some crazy rock opera shit. i liked the dirty grunge shit too. i was always listening to the hardrock radio since the age of 5... my father was a huge zeppelin fan. i remember one time, he expressed distaste about guns and roses to his friends while drinking. i was super confused and felt like i just wasn't like him. i should've just realized he was a dick, because the beginning of the guns and roses song with the clip "some men you just can't reach". i began to think my dad just didn't get it... however though because of pearl jam, i still wondered if maybe guns and roses wasn't the best or there was something wrong with me. the thoughts would go back and forth in my head. i had deep experiences listening to pearl jam while driving in the car with my father. in the song black, the lyrics "I know someday you'll have a beautiful life, I know you'll be a star In somebody else's sky, but why, why Why can't it be, oh, can't it be mine?" i didn't hear the lyric "mine". all i heard was something like "how can it be" and i thought it was about my fathers hurt if he knew i was molested. i thought it was my father's emotions coming through eddie vedder. i really recognized pearl jam as the deepest thing on the planet. i even thought maybe it was smart. it seemed more advanced musically. there was an ambient appeal the other rock didn't have. i heard something in the guitar soloing. (as a side note about how i feel about rock music. nirvana's guitar solos kind of made me question a lot of standard blues and rock soloing. i still liked it, but at a very young age i was thinking a lot about the differences between guitar styles. sorry to side track). the lyric "Some day i know you'll be a star in somebody elses eyes" by pearl jam always made me want to find a wife to express my pain to. i felt like my father would always be dissatisfied with me. i just needed one person to share with. girls really made me feel good, so i began to think maybe i wasn't gay. the clip played at the beginning of civil war "some men you can't just reach" definitely helped me. songs like the dance hit "rhythm is a dancer" on the radio being played in my mother's car also confused me though. because people said gay people were like women. my mother would listen to rhythm is a dance up until the rap verse where she would change the station. i also was not fond of most of the rap parts in modern dance songs. i really thought a lot about how music affected me at a very young age and was very concerned with older people putting themselves in groups. like rockers v.s. rapper, or what a business man would listen to. it seemed kind of bizarre to me. i'm really not sure exactly what i was thinking, but it concerned me. i didn't really know where i fit in. i think i ignored that i really loved a lot of soft rock music all throughout my life even as a grade schooler. i recognized it was pleasant to listen to in the car with my mother and it made me appreciate my mother. i think her beauty got in my head. i never even really thought about what my mother would think if i were to turn out gay. even with how i felt special hearing and seeing beautiful women adults and my own age, i still went through cycles thinking maybe "gay would set in" when i was an adult. i didn't really get why gay was bad.. i'm glad at the time i didn't know about men adopting and starting families cause a big part of my drive was to start a family. i thought it'd feel special to have a bond over my secret trauma and overcome raising children that didn't have to live in pain.... also i loved the description of music listening experiences the character had in the mtv published book "the perks of being a wall flower". i feel like my experience as a millennial is worthy of being heard. i really believe what gets posted on the internet will be fact checked by NSA and people are gang stalking me and my story and music that i made will be remembered in the future as someone that was tortured by the government. drugs will be legal and molestation and hate will be no more and people can read about my pain. different people will have different responses emotionally. it will separate people. i'm wondering if the more emotionally responsive people will respond particularly to certain types of music.... ...... ...... .... anyways, i just wanted to say that what i really felt like was "me" on the radio in the early 90's as a young boy was blue traveler, spin doctors, gin blossoms and soul asylm. lol. i fucking loved. that shit. still do. that shit is the best shit on the planet. my mom would listen to it, but i didn't know if she was really in love with it... i think it was special that i had those bands "alone". that's why i love being a millennial. hip hop and dance was new. the 80's was fucking weird and had some super trippy songs that were fucked up to listen to as a baby. then the parents were like disco or classic rock, and a lot of the adults were a particular kind of masculine. pearl jam was both masculine and emotional. i totally got why my father picked it as his favorite. it made me wonder if he was smart and totally made me think maybe being gay was wrong. i wish i could fully grasp how much the guns and roses ballads hit me emotionally all through out my time as a child though. lol. my mental health would've been better.. i recognized songs like "paradise city" to be unlistenable. they bothered me, so i thought maybe guns and roses just wasn't that cool. lol.... i was very confused as a child why all old dudes liked zeppelin. i thought the vocals were kind of like a women. i didn't think it was macho at all. i thought my father always just listened to zeppelin growing up cause it was hip, and then found pearl jam to be a superior more masculine sound. i don't really know. i've always felt zeppelin's upbeat rock hits like maybe "immigrant song" or plenty of other songs that i can't recall off the top of my head were a lot more easy to listen to than "paradise city" by GnR. i wondering if a lot of people noticed that. i just want to say that Pearl Jam really comes across as the most zeppelin influenced rock band.... i also spent a lot of time in childhood comparing "aint nothing but a g thang" to marky mark and the funky bunch "feel the vibration. i liked marky mark and first, but then i heard snoop and realized it was just way more chill. i knew as a young child that snoop did drugs and marky mark was drug free. i began to wonder if there was something to drugs. i knew some of my teenage cousins and a couple uncles did them. i was very confused. one of my uncles even was a doctor that went to harvard. i'm not sure if subjecting children to this is good. it's thought provoking. drugs are real. i'm not sure if kids should know about them.... i moved from the suburbs to boston in third grade when having problems with being molested, and had another older neighbor that really helped me out. he influenced me to wu tang, mob deep and all the hip hop. it was a great experience. all the sexism and homophobia in hip hop helped shaped my confidence and help me see life more clearly. i loved bitches.... i went a few years okay and then sometimes in middle school the lyric by kurt cobain "every one is gay" really got to me again. i had a dog that would always hump people. i was in puberty and would get boners petting the dog. the dog would try to hump me and i began to think i was gay because i actually liked the warmth of a dog. i still liked girls part of the time, but had periods of tremendous underconfidence and confusion. i would jerk off my dog when it tried to hump me, and let it hump me... as time went on the dog wouldn't listen to my commands anymore and thought it was higher in the pecking order than me and would growl at me or hump me. no lie. if i tried to call the dog it would get pissed, i was seriously screwed up for a couple years in middle school. thinking about this now i have no emotion. i feel strongly emotional pride about the pain i experienced with my father and having to review pearl jam and all that went along with. i don't feel sick with myself for jerking off a dog. just a bizarre memory i don't really review that much. i spend a lot of time dwelling on my childhood though.
^^^^^^^^^the above is why i think i should have a book because of my child hood music review compared to the mtv published book "the perks of being a wall flower". some people like reading. i feel like my story is valuable information... i wondered why they made us read the book "the giver" early in grade school. i've thought that maybe i was in a simulation ever since reading it. i thought as a child, i think maybe my acid head older cousins that baby sat me or some other baby sitters i think i might've had but not sure if it's a delusion, anyways, i think someone told me that adults didn't really molest kids and the news was fake. i think they knew i got molested and some how knew i felt like my problems were insignificant compared to what was happening to other people so they decided to lie to me so i would recognize how much pain i was really in. i'm not sure if i'm putting these memories of childhood in my head from my perspective now and if i wasn't thinking that stuff and i'm just building myself up as a child that was cool child so i have fond memories of myself. i remember though i had strong experiences with all that music. and that thing with my father thinking pearl jam was real. i can still ask him about it and him saying he didn't appreciate GnR and i've fact checked with people around m town if my neighbor really molested me. i might be schizophrenic about some stuff, but i have actually experienced trauma in reality.
about the being delusional if i had baby sitters that told me weird stuff as a child about history and showed me how to tune guitars and the process to do certain types of paintings. my parents say it never happened. people on the internet told me i was apart of some MK ultra experiment as a child over a site you can read about on wickipedia called makeoutclub.com.... my family definitely owned a bakery in cambridge MA through out the 70's and 80's till the early 90's in central square and there was a record store full of artists that showed me all these weird guitar tunings and songs and paintings that they hypothesized would come naturally to me in an unconscious state using drugs and playing music as a teen and an adult.... they showed me an ink blot painting in black and white and a video many times of how to turn the painting into color throwing acrylic paint. it was a step by step video. they played it over a regular t.v. it was all on VHS. they would play it to me while cool dudes and pretty teens that i could relate to baby sat me from the ages of a baby until like seven, when they drugged me and brainwashed me to forget that i ever was baby sat or knew any of the people when i wasn't around them. they made it so i would forget they existed after the age of 7 until i started taking psychedelic drugs again as a teen.. the website from early 2000's make out club.com that i found about over college radio was set up by the CIA, supposedly some skin head gang member that went into the emo scene set it up, but the CIA put him up to it. i probably sound schizophrenic. lol. the CIA works with a ton of gangs. they really cover it up. all this fentanyl shit is just an experiment. when i was in high school, they put a bunch of amazing drugs in my area to help me as an artist. they don't try to help most people. sometimes they let people get into good situations, but they are doing experiments to see how people suffer. they also give people amazing lives and places in the economy to see how people respond. i think they might even be watching people in some areas on those x ray house cameras to see how they are responding to life and what they have. they should judge people because of this studying if their quality of life is as strong as other. i'm not sure if this is what they are doing, but it should be. maybe the idea is happening in my head, because i believe people deserve to be gang stalked and i think it would be cool and beautiful to subject someone to my life and put them in a truman show like situation. ... anyways,,, part of what they did with showing me art as a child, they showed me and a bunch of people the ink blot and explained what the painting would be that they were brain washing me to do. they also had some other paintings and songs that were very easier for a person to remember. there might be other versions of the color painting that was to be made with throwing splash paint in color made from past civilizations that aren't documented in history. they've actually done this experiment before and people can raise and condition children and prey for these paintings to manifest in reality. they told everyone to remember the painting was the color of apples and a few other things... anyways, they showed people all this art and told them that i'd be a successful artist and painter. they explained how i would be disabled if their brainwashing worked knowing i had childhood mental illness and how responsive i was. i believe they even hit me with a car as an adult to make it harder for me to work. hitting me with a car was supposed to make me find my sins and the pain of the world..... i believe they actually got me addicted to weed and are not letting people smoke on federal property in the time being to see how i respond to having to move into federal housing addicted to weed. i kind of doubt they have the time to watch regular members of BL on an x ray house camera. it'd be awesome if they start doing that. see if drugs are really helping people. maybe they can have experts judge how relaxed people are when they are doing drugs and stuff while watching them on x ray house cameras.. it will prove how helpful drugs are. they will find drugs are not for everyone... anways, they are trying to make me struggle. they brainwashed me as a child that if i kill myself they will try to pressure all of my gang stalkers that have been praying for me since a child to kill themselves. whoever created this MK ultra experiment believes in aztec culture. the idea of global warming being caused by cows in the 80's got this crazy ass vietnam vet guy that they put in some undocumented MK ultra art experiments and got hired by the CIA got the idea that he could get people to pray for me to do all this art that is very hard to do while taking drugs. this ink blot i recreated, which is pretty much impossible to create with any skill and only could be achieved through luck or faith. here is the painting that might be causing this delusion, but i'm pretty sure what i'm saying is reality:
^^^^^the above painting was made throwing paint. i believe it is perfectly catching to anybody that has a natural eye for art. i believe the CIA is waiting to see if i kill myself so they can collect my paintings. i'm hoping that they abduct people for an MK ultra experiment and judge them telling them my story of struggle and showing them my art and drug them and see if they can see my painting.... if i kill myself, they want to guilt trip a bunch of adults, the same adults that knew about the gang going on that gave the BL user JeanPauldash herpes and lets terrorism go on. I believe adam lanzas mother was actually a CIA involved gang member that was apart of a similar evil CIA experiment where his mother let them put ideas in his head as a baby and his mother tortured him his whole life to get him to commit such heinous acts. i also believe the slender man girl was also fucked with over AOL instant messenger the same way i was told about being an MK ultra experiment.. shortly after adam lanza terrorism and slender man killings, they cancelled AOL instant messenger. i know there are still ways to contact kids over the internet, but i believe twitter and reddit and stuff is monitored over a back end, unlike AIM was..... i could be wrong about that.... i could've sworn that people talked to me about adam lanza before it ever happened though. that it was a CIA gang rumour... you may not believe me, and i know i could be schizophrenic, but i really believe i am deeply involved in the CIA. i'm not sure if it's true, but i think it's possible... either way, i make really good art. maybe i should have more faith that i created it with my own mind and that i am special for that and not think that i was some special victim brainwashed to create all this stuff.
anyways, how i was saying they want me to kill myself and pressure all the adults that knew about my gang stalking since i was a child. people from around knew my parents were letting the CIA do that. people let it go on. they want them to all kill themselves knowing that i had more pride and loved life more than them. that god was with me making art and that i loved life more than the average person. they are having me walk around town crying for years on end to show my grand appreciation and faith for life combined with strong empathy. i am not like the average person, or maybe i am like the average person, i was just subjected to things a certain way. being tortured has given me a supreme enjoyment for art that i might not've needed. maybe my love for art is only a defense mechanism to make myself stronger........ i believe the CIA wants to see a mass suicide involving the people in my MK ultra experiment. they want to see if aztec culture is righteous. if a bunch of people commit suicide, they anticipate some type of strong sign from nature. maybe a mass of shooting stars will come or we will see some light in space, or some people will get signs through talking to birds or nature, or people will be able to predict weather activity from the act of prayer of a low scale mass suicide. these people's prayers are strong. they want what's best for their kids... there are also younger junkies, they've been let having easy jobs for years. they are in good situations. they are left with the choice of suicide as prayer... some artists will feel like my death is reason to keep creating music. that my pain is a strong muse.
below is another painting that was easier for some of the people involved in the MK ultra experiment to remember. they told people to pray that i'd be able to do all these paintings. these below paintings weren't enough for people to believe that the art wanted to come back through people from a higher power in the universe, so they had to brain wash me to do the painting that was almost impossible to recreate in one try above. the green apples painting. that painting is actually the result of me seeing an ink blot. the apples painting wanted to come to life. the painting has a spirit. art wants to be created all through out the universe. the painting will come back again.... anyways, the below painting is a painting vietnam vets used to do that were involved in the MK ultra experiments. they would teach their kids them. it was a tradition that kind of stopped. they showed babies these paintings and then would give them hints about how to achieve what they saw as a child as an adult or teen. babies aren't supposed to be able to remember things, but there are plenty of people around that were shown these paintings as a baby and can remember how to do them as an adult. they would have baby sitters baby sit the kids and do the paintings step by step.. i'm not sure if this was all MK ultra for all of the kids that this went on with, but people's families were doing it. i think dead head families used to do this. also some people from colleges, i believe there was a gang with the CIA that would induct people in the gang through test them in frat houses. they would get people to do illegal stuff, and black mail them or test them to see if they would be down with the CIA's cause. there are people around that work for the CIA. they have some teachers in the school system that take observations on kids and the CIA and report them to the gang. they would observe all sorts of shit. i believe they actually would take notes about some people and believe some people can live with herpes. people get herpes or gangs get people addicted to drugs because of traits they had as a child... anways, the gang is kind of beside the point. i'm talking about experiments showing children art so they remember how to do the art as adults. a lot of parents actually subjected their kids to this. but i was actually subjected to a more intense experience where i'm pretty sure i was drugged frequently and shown tremendous amounts of information in art and music that i would be able to recall as an adult.... here is the style of painting they were teaching a lot of kids. i'm really good at these paintings sometimes. they really even aren't that hard, but you kind of have to know what you are doing a little bit:
i can see how people would read this and be like "if you've got so cool art and people love you, why are you living at federal housing." .. everyone i know is in a gang. i ordered 5meo-amt for this kid to get a bunch of weed when i got out of high school, and this kid told me he was gonna sell sugar cubes as LSD to some kid. so we totally ripped this kid off. my friend actually misdosed all the tabs. i think he might've did it on purpose to start a war. a few people got hospitalized and supposedly one girl jumped out a window and people blamed it on me.. i think they might've even hit me with a car because of htis. people said they wanted me to find my faith as a graffiti artist and go to jail. idk. that's something someone wrote on the internet, to repent for my sins, i should go to jail for graffiti. they said if i didn't they'd hit me with a car. i'm pretty sure the people are crypts and are "beating me down" they've been watching me since a kid and are judging me. they don't even care if i die. they think i have a strong spirit and want to see if my death affects nature... as i wrote above, i also wrote a story about this kid killing himself because he wrote weird suicidal lyrics. i said if he really killed himself i'd be able to call a hawk on video and predict it's screeching, and i did like i wrote above in this thread... i think the kid killed himself cause people were giving people herpes because of global warming and only being able to have so many people. i told him he could kill himself to expose the government is too fucked up for him to accept his job that he was fortunate enough to be able to just get. he just graduated college and killed himself. i'm thinking a lot of people want me to kill myself because they actually believe in religious suffering. with all the pain in the world i shouldn't be happy to get all the time.. that i'm crying and getting super high and feeling good because of stuff made from catharsis because of pain. that i'm getting off on how bad everything is because art is expressing pain and i love art as pain. that making fun out of pain is wrong, and that me crying because the world is bad is wrong beause i enjoy it. that my life isn't a good form of prayer... i really don't know. i'm making a website with my life story and all my new music and going to send it to all my friends and some other people around,, maybe some record labels hoping to get some space to play music.. i don't know. probably won't happen. maybe some of my friends will be able to find a place to rent where i can just rip bongs. that be sweet, but i doubt it. i don't know where all my friends from the skate park went. i don't know if they are even gonna be able to make it through society... i'll probably be fine moving to federal housing and smoke, but i'm seriously thinking about killing myself and writing a letter to the government that i'm supposed to be an artist doing improv stuff to create art in specific ways that will always come back through humans. that my life is supposed to be making art to document so people can see if they make the same art in the future. i don't think they are funding artists enough, and i'm seriously thinking about rebelling.. that kid i keep talking about that killed himself for his energy to come back through a screeching hawk, i think will be documented by the government. he made great music. i don't see how his life isn't getting documented in some type of government file. i think the government is keeping a list of suicides and some day a book or website will come out about all the special people that commit suicide. they are waiting to create world peace to tell all these stories. there are probably a lot of great artists that commit suicide. i think they are documenting all these people and they are gonna see how people in the future feel about all this when there is world peace. if that's not real that would be awesome. i'm guessing that all this is just some sick study until they create world peace. the world is just set up fucked up to see how different people respond.. i think maybe the people now days that overcome pain might actually get more high and feel better than people of the future that live perfect lives. the future might be boring and no one really feels that great. i don''t know if spirits are going to possess people to make all the same great art and music..... ... i really think people are waiting for me to commit suicide, like jesus died for your sins. i feel like people want me to die to express the world is unfair. like i'm on social security and should be able to feel good enough getting a few hits of weed a day. i should feel grateful, but it's hard to even accept when so many people have to work shit jobs. like i don't think it's fair not having to work, i can just shit whenever i want. if you get stuck working certain jobs, you can't even always get on a bathroom break, and you know that feeling when you have to go to the bathroom bad, and then release a couple farts and then can't shit and get backed up, but still have to shit. i fucking hate that. i can't see making anyone do that and having to pay for me to live an easy life. like i almost feel like i don't deserve weed... if anybody else on SS is in the same boat,, don't feel bad, i'm pretty sure money is fake. like there is more than enough food. they can grow a ton of shit hydroponically. money isn't even real, they are just making people work excessively to see what people will deal with before turning into luigi mangione... if anybody out there is on SS just accept the money. the world isn't overpopulated yet, but it will be.. i don't think global warming is known to be as bad as it was in the 80s, so i'm pretty sure they gave a bunch of people herpes for no reason as a form of population control.. they really fucked that up, ,but i'm pretty sure they want to study how people respond to pain.
i was thinking about getting money from SS, and was thinking "would i work hard doing stuff" if i had the means to do something that no one else could do and the work was making people happy, and yes i would work if it were making other people happy. i began to cry thinking this.
