Already had a shot of heroin this morning and 10mg ethylbromazolam.
I've been waiting for these(I'm starting to wonder if they are full on retarded) girls to come to get some smack with me since 11pm last night and it's now 6am.
At around 4am I got a msg saying can we come now and I said nope, I just got stuff for me, you two can go fuck yourselves. Which felt incredibly satisfying. But then I demanded theyvgive me 5 alprazolam pills(not xanax) or they can find theirs elsewhere(which I know they can't do) so eventually they caved even though they were hesitant.
So I'm sitting here at the shop, waiting for them to pick me up. And I have a pretty strong feeling they are going to try to rob me and I'm kind of ready and a little excited coz I have nothing to lose. So I'm sort of waiting for some guy to jump out of the car and try me and I am going to absolutely destroy any human in my way and take their money if they try me lol or get the shit beaten out of me but if that happens then it will take my mind off my psychological and mental problems. I'm not too worried. And you know how benzos are, I really couldn't care less what happens.
If I get what I'm entitled to great, uf I get to fuck some people up, get a couple hundred bux and some fake xanax, GREAT! And if I end up in hospital, broken with no recollection of what happened then that's great too.
I'm thinking positive and manifesting good things lol
Fuck the world! Nothing is real anyway.
Honestly in the same fucking mood but on speed. Had an absolute blast of a k-hole last night, combination with the 2-mmc was lovely, but again zero sleep.
So far today:
- 3, 4?? Idk just lines of speed
Reached the level of sleep deprivation of constant auditory hallucinations of sirens, footsteps, murmuring voices and wasps inside the walls of my room.
At this point we just going with it. Started off pissed as I genuinely tried to sleep after k-hole, but ended up the type of stoned where I was talking to myself inside my head like a podcast.
Then freaked out because I was supposed to have a driving lesson this morning and my body was falling asleep while feeling like I was having a heart attack at the same time. So of course I solved this simple issue with a bit of speed.
Fucking driving instructor didn’t show up, pissed I got all panicked and awake for nothing, did like 3 more lines of speed and now I am laying in bed feeling great.
Love the ADHD brain chemistry of solving a near panic attack with speed.
Part of me feels sad about deceiving my family, other part finds it insanely hilarious how my mom hardly allowing me to go out just has me doing even more drugs than I would if I could just go to raves and feel alive and see my friends on a semi-regular basis.
well anyways, idk what to do with today. Hate being home with my mom alone. Can never tell when my paranoia of her finding out about my use is grounded in reality, like there is no fucking way that almost 4 years of daily drug use have gone unnoticed except for 1 cigarette and half a joint. But then if she figured it out, why doesn’t she drug test me or search my room? Is she truly THAT oblivious or should I win an award for my amazing acting skills?
Tired. Bones hurt. Secretly hope my body gives up, but despite the chronic illness and years of trying to starve away, this stubborn piece of flesh somehow keeps rattling onward.