Addiction I think I need to step up my game and quit this disastrous, chaotic arsing around

[Jnowhere]

Update on the situation decribed in previous post: I borrowed some money to get fucking drunk to be able to overcome my feelings for a short while. And I did the task.

Now I am just feeling disgusted of this shitty high. I feel like I can not do anything properly. The power of this drug lies in lowering your standards, inhibitions and emotions and comes with the price of fucking up your functionality. Which is in and of itself, very distressing for OCPD-sufferer, which, of course, always wants to be in control. It is the last resort for traumatized chronic pain sufferer. I can't even clean up anymore, I don't know why, but I never feel like cleaning up or playing games, or anything I really like or want to do, when I am drunk.

I kinda knew I would not like it after this long break (more than 10 days without more than 2 standard EU-doses of alcohol in single day, and most days I was completely without any alcohol). Generally when I have been off alcohol for a short while, I realize how fucking revolting and problematic this drug is once I get wasted again. But because I don't have any weed, for example, I don't really have much options but to drink until I shut off. Or maybe I have, suffering is option, but as alcoholic, I am not going to do that.

I actually talked about this with one of my friends today; boundary conditions and prioritizing. Do I have wiggle room for being dysfunctional for any amount of time? This is the frame of reference where taking a drug or medication seems like a no-brainer and absolutism seems stupidity and just plain fucking unhealthy. This also applies to my delayed sleep phase disorder, which with I try to study metal working field 3-4 days a week.

I really would not want to do even weed right now, I have other things I want to concentrate on, drugs can wait just fine, but it might be that I need to get some cannabis bud or hash, because I am working in that reference frame and I do my best to avoid relapses to the worst drugs I have most issues with; hard recreational sedatives, like benzos, alcohol, buprenorphine and tramadol (oxycodone would be in that list if it was priced so I could maintain habit, really).

You are young, please don't screw up your life, like I did. Alcohol as an escape or other drugs is only temporary and makes things worse.

You are an intelligent young man, don't go down the path I went, and it was only alcohol that ruined me. But when alcohol takes over your life, misery follows

I am prescribed benzos, switched to Valium(diazepam) which is much weaker than Ativan ( lorazepam) I was on, prescribed.( Yes I am paranoid) But I am now a law abidding tax payer.

Had Both oxycodone prescription and Morphine prescription. No more Morphine. Both my choice. Thanks to my doctor and Bluelight.

Once you get serious withdrawals and DT's. You will become barely to non functional. I also screwed up my chance at having my dream girl, she liked me also and was the type you marry. And another great chick who I regret missing my chance. She also really liked me and was also beautiful inside and out.

 

[Pissed_and_messed]

Achievement; I didn't blaze it yesterday even tho I have 2-3 vape caps of bud and slept just fine on mirtazapine. Which has rendered me bit lethargic and dysfunctional today, both for that shit drug and for some minor, barely noticeable withdrawals. But nothing serious and I did not mind not getting high and still not being high.

I have troubles not drinking when I have money and in company of some people who are alcoholics like me, but I can do that some days. Drinking one day does not cause uncontrolled downward spiral either. And I haven't really thought about alcohol much now for few days I am not having money. It is not puzzling me really. Focusing on my studies, but unfortunately the hot person has not appeared to the school for weeks.

Having a crush really distracted me from politics and climate change and now that does not seem to be leading anywhere, at least for now, I have felt today again deep dread and depression after reading how 1/3 of worlds tree species are in danger of extinction.

 

[Pissed_and_messed]

Damn I have kinda undressed my ego naked last 5 years, but it seems like the past decisions are catching up with me and I need to adapt. It is scary because I am uncertain can I make up for what I lose/lost. So the atmosphere in my life is very conflicted, hollow and uncertain past few days and while I am having satisfying narrative as to why this all happened and why I am not entitled to live without problems, and it is life and all that and I can not coherently blame myself even if the decisions were mine/of obsessive-compulsive modulator, it drives me towards numbing sedative use again to deal with emotions of bitterness and concern.

Not much guilt because countless people who share same mental health condition than I do, actually fare much worse. In this reference frame, I am survivor and winner and all that I have been having sort of flashbacks to very grim phase in my life, but I can't point out what phase, just emotion/atmosphere flashback, only I can say that I have been living this mindspace before and it is dark.

I probably should see some live boobies, maybe it would cheer me up. And get deeper into bouldering and harness climping student social services offer me regularly. Or maybe even damn deep intimate relationship. For which tere is lots of hope in immediate future, but I am depressingly conscious that I might not even see the hot person ever again.

dropped two ksalols just half hour ago, the feeling of dread and hollowness got the best of me-they might help me clean up a bit to get ready for minidose of shrooms with mid-dose of amanita and rest of the weed tomorrow, I am not sure if it would help me process things at all but I am gonna give it a try. I have been off weed again for 2-3 days now too. Which is great even when it sucks occasionally to be sober.

 

[Pissed_and_messed]

Have been relapsing hard with alcohol lately. And other drugs, but alcohol particularly is so fucked up that I can not and do not want to accept this. It is bizarre how bad issues it causes so fucking fast and how long the issues last after cessation.

 

[paltatomate]

Have been relapsing hard with alcohol lately. And other drugs, but alcohol particularly is so fucked up that I can not and do not want to accept this. It is bizarre how bad issues it causes so fucking fast and how long the issues last after cessation.

so you relapsed. not good, but it's not the end of the world.
do you know what made you relapse?

 

[Pissed_and_messed]

One thing that deserves attention even if I try my best to forget it; I haven't seen the hot gal in school anymore. So, my dream is crushed temporarily. I have used the energy, maintained myself as desirable person, after someone woke up the emotions in me I have so long suppressed to survive in basic level while dealing with the lowest steps of "need hierarchy" (which is 66.6 % bullshit BTW it is not meant to be taken very seriously) in midst of PTSD recovery. But it is pretty much just (luck X active lifestyle), that determines ones romantic life, particularly now all the date sites and apps have been bought by big money and enshittified so that they keep you on hook paying fortunes to occasionally give you one match so you really have to try to get dates with people. Damn, and KELA is fucking me over so bad with my money that I can not really even go for prostitute, that could cover at least 50 % of my needs :D

while really I am looking for real companion.

I think having long desired intimacy and deep love I feel being capable of now having successfully fought with my personality disorder that seems to be disgusting antithesis of humanity, I can be only grateful for growing a bit beyond it, even if it occasionally suppresses and dominates me. I still offer genuine human interaction with people and would want to take it further

I also have been having pains lately, which disturbs sports and makes me concerned about my future as capable sports-person. And future as person that is not demotivated about going out only for mental pain but also for physical pain.

Oh yeah, and world politics. I am pretty much what people call "doomer". I hope my worst predictions will never come true, and I have reasons to believe so and assume surprising miracles could come to seriously ease up what is coming, but there are certain reasons I could pervasively argument for coming decades to be some of the most challenging, disastrous and painful ages coming for humanity. I try to avoid politics here now, that is not the focal point in psychotherapy either, just making people function and be well in their life, so I don't want to go into lengthy monologues about it, but one statement that kinda concentrates great part of my horror is that some scientists predict half of the world population will die in few decades for reasons related to climate change.

I would kinda like to do certain things before I die, but me and even everything else can be wiped to nothingness in blink of eye if world powers just end up doing that, intentionally or accidentally.

 

[Pissed_and_messed]

I am feeling pretty good at times. My life has completely changed since the beginning of fall. I am semi-functional.

What I have noticed lately is that my mind often travels patterns that leads to certain kind of frustration or unpleasant stimuli; either forming a useless rule to avoid that or then distract myself in various ways, like babbling something stupid in the internet. I am wondering if I somehow could avoid doing either, leading to more pure and calm touch to the reality. It is very difficult, because even if I do political activism, it still does not remove the hostility of the society I am living in once and for all, so I need to repeat the iteration step of empowerment and claiming autonomy again and again, and I can't do that all the time.

Anyway, I thought I'd try to get back to reading books, which I was doing in summer, and noticed I am still pretty good at if I just get to it in right environment. I am intending to visit BL less for a while but I am still coming here every day, I just try to be more moderate about my internet use.

 

[paltatomate]

It is very difficult, because even if I do political activism, it still does not remove the hostility of the society I am living in once and for all, so I need to repeat the iteration step of empowerment and claiming autonomy again and again, and I can't do that all the time.

there was i time where i though being politically active is the solution. i realized very quickly that it's not. you can't change human nature, and though you can change small things around you, it takes some time, some strategy, and a lot of focus.
in the end, autonomy is something that has to grow inside of you, not outside.

Anyway, I thought I'd try to get back to reading books, which I was doing in summer, and noticed I am still pretty good at if I just get to it in right environment.

what kind of environment is that?
i'm curious here because i was talking about the right reading environment with someone just yesterday.

 

[Pissed_and_messed]

off the desk and off the computer.

 

[radioactive_sunshine]

So, I have chronic physical pains and dysfunctional bladder (not ketamine-related) and massive collection of PTSD-triggers and I feel like breaking up when I even try to think about them. I just try to categorically forget it all. I have read some studies about how our brains work around the PTSD memories and I am afraid I will forget it all if I don't get therapy. As if the solutions are then out of my reach.

Pappa betalar my psychotherapy. I had just started therapy with my previous therapeutist that was specialized in PTSD, OCPD and substance abuse, more than year ago, but they quit taking any new regular patients, which I was not (anything more than occasional patient once a month, so, I could not continue with them anymore) and I just feel like I can not bear myself to confess all the shameful and discordant shit again, I am so fucking afraid and I don't know if I can do it, it is extremely painful. I have not even talked about it here, but I was living with my friend who had injury and then they lost it, I don't know why, psychosis or early stage dementia and they abused me physically and psychologically and I DON'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND ANYTHING OF IT. I have also doctor visit scheduled in private sector in the end of the month by student maintenance in my city and they might help me with my pains, because the public healthcare is being taken down by evil, fascist Orpo & Purra goverment. (Also one thing I feel like lack of will to live for, fascism is getting over the world)

Finally they killed themselves which broke me for few days but I was happy that my abuser was now gone. And I try to understand some kind of narrative to this but I don't think it is fairy tale or anything, I was total fucking ass myself too, I DID NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT WAS HAPPENING, I was possessed by my obsessive-compulsive personality disorder, and when I figured what was happening, I had personality disorder, my claim was rejected. This was already in phase where my friend started to behave towards me in condescending, hostile manner and did not take anything seriously. Neither of us was in their right mind. It was so morbid. In the end, I felt like I was living with enemy. I was afraid all the time.

I am mentally and physically so disabled of all this, that I can not fucking clean up my apartment or overall get any of my shit together without some extremely radical downer, like bupre or pregabalin or clonazepam or alprazolam. Because I live in debilitating constant fear, anxiety and stress.

And I want to get over this, it has been 5 years and in some ways I am better, but some issues I have not been able to do anything. I made rowanberry wine and drank 20 liters of it in few days after I had ran out of bupre because I did all the rest of it last friday in blackout. It caused massive issues, but fortunately nothing REALLY bad happened. It was a wakeup call, this lifestyle can any time cause serious issues by accident, overdose, fucking over my friends, getting into legal issues and overall just because it is so fucking unhealthy over time. Luckily I am good responder to cannabis and can use it as a medicine also, my experiences with completely stopping weed have been pretty bad. It is good to have breaks, but not too long. It fucks with my head.

I am so sick of this life, every time I relapse and quit, the kindling gets little worse. I just want to function like normal fucking people. I feel so weak and pathetic and literally stinky also, because I can barely take of my hygiene and I sweat ALL THE TIME because my sympathetic nervous system is constantly on overdrive.

I am on cannabis, rivotril, beer and coffee now also but I am not going back to bupre. It has some cool niche medicinal effects but it is not really worth it.

Don't suppress your memories. That's the worst thing you can do with PTSD. You have to forgive yourself and release your trauma in as many ways as you possibly can. Write down your traumatic experiences and burn them. Write them again and bury them. Find a homeless veteran or anyone and tell them everything. Keep releasing it over and over and in as many different ways as you can imagine. Forgive yourself and keep releasing your trauma. One step at a time, day by day, the more you release the better you you will feel. You can heal and you can be a healer.

PTSD is the result of suppressing trauma. Traumatic experiences will happen but the more guilt we feel about them, the more we suffer. It's going to be hard but you want to remember everything so you can release the trauma by letting go and mourning and forgiving yourself. Remember and release your trauma and try to forgive yourself. Release, forgive yourself, repeat.

You can heal and you can help others heal. I suggest talking to the homeless because they have had traumatic experiences and you can be vulnerable with other people who experienced trauma. After you release your trauma, take the time to listen to them and help each other carry the burden. It's too much for one person to handle. You could tell me everything if you want and I will listen without judgement. Just keep telling others and forgive yourself.

Trauma happens but blaming yourself makes it eternal. Forgive yourself and help others who desperately need to release their own trauma. You will break through together. Keep sharing your thoughts with everyone and know you're not alone. I'm suffering with you and I'm mourning with you and I have faith in you.

Trust the process and keep releasing and letting others release with you. You will be heard and you'll help someone else. And the more you help others the more they will help you. One step at a time. Release, forgive yourself, help others release and forgive themselves and they will help you as you will be helping them.

If you want to quit something, try to stop drinking alcohol. Alcohol makes everything worse and it will ruin your spirit. Mood stabilizers and antipsychotics might be helpful. I have Borderline Personality Disorder and I suffer but not as much when I quit drinking and some meds can help. Be mindful of what makes you drowsy and what interferes with your creativity. Doctors will tell you to quit smoking marijuana but I think marijuana is healing and helps open your mind to collective consciousness. Marijuana will be the last thing I stop using if I ever stop. I know where I was and I will keep going forward one day at a time. Just keep going.

 

[Pissed_and_messed]

I have made decision that I try to relate to my modulator like I would to complete idiot person that was chained to me by malevolent third party and is spouting annoying shit and taking useless and counterproductive measures to free us. Instead of like a person that deliberately tries to fuck up everything I do for their evil character.

My belief is that personality disorder develops for some reason, it tries to fix something in desperate situation, but commonly turns out being dysfunctional and damaging in adult life. The deep hatred I experience towards it is in some sense logical, maybe even justified, but it is also dysfunctional and counterproductive. I think the future is in nurturing myself with compassion and patience like with any mental issue, but it is difficult for me to not take it personally and treat it as hostile entity when ego-syntonic personality disorder fucks things up as I have had comprehensive awareness of it for few years now and it does not feel that ego-syntonic anymore.

But I can move past the idea that "I can blame hostile entity just because I can" and move to the idea "I focus on co-operating and ignoring while there is nothing to co-operate because that is what works". I wish. I will try.

 

[Pissed_and_messed]

I called to get appointment for doctor evaluation to get statement that I am fucked to get state-funded psychotherapy. At some point I decided that actually I am not going to do that even if I am eligible to apply again, because I largely processed my trauma last fall. Mostly. But I have come to notice again that there are certain things that inherently are part of reasonable life and my way to relate to them is absolutely dysfunctional and even disastrous, god damn everything is like 1000 times harder than should be in theory for people with sound mind, it is infuriating. I am talking mostly about OCPD. Which I have progressed with too, it is just that new things that are just same old things with trenchcoat, have happened in my life and modulator has again proved being stupid piece of shit that causes pain for no good reason.

Also, Imma gonna try to get small loan of million dollars or something.

Raising my jaw from chest, setting goals and making effort to reach them. Last time I had this mindset so strong actually was also the last time I had this same problem, which often is not even perceived as problem for people who have their shit together, which is therefore obviously also possibility that is motivating me to engage in society and human interactions.

 

[deficiT]

I'm sorry to hear you deal with OCD problems, I know that's a very difficult thing. The woman who raised me has some pretty severe OCD and I know certain things can be a major struggle for her. Always here to listen if you need an ear, reach out anytime.

Here is your daily reminder to unclench your jaw, as well as your sphincter (but not too much)

 

[Pissed_and_messed]

OCD problems

nooo the personality disorder. OCD feels wrong while OCPD contains delusion of being control freak being fine and normal.

But thanks. Unclenching sphincter is actually also definitely on the to-do list. Bruxism has been also largely fine lately, even tho I got back on subs, it kinda sets on bit randomly, I don't know what is about that.

Ah well as I am at this point already, maybe I could lay it out more; yeah I have kinda developing proto relationship situation and as I mentioned subs it developed association that I have deliberately mostly forgotten and I have not mentioned to anyone else but is important particularly on this reference frame we are representing; person I am hanging out with said that they have kinda issue with downers, they use other stuff and they talked about my sub like it does not need to be issue to them if I don't go out of my way to offer to them, which is like, most of my friends barely ever even see me using or hear me mentioning about how high or low I am and most of the time I am not even that high.

So that's not HUGE problem, but this is also one thing for which I am nervous about the relationship and like, it looks great right now and I would hate to see it not really leading to deep partnership because then I would have to go through cycles of this inner chaos again if I don't develop healthy coping mechanisms with therapist or something.

Also yeah it is healthy also again reinstate that I am junkie and I am not really convinced of it, it is effective medication up to a point, but has significant problems. We will see what happens.

 

[TheGyattDamnRizzler]

Im trying to be good to bro it's really really fucking hard. If you need support I'm here for you.

 

[deficiT]

nooo the personality disorder. OCD feels wrong while OCPD contains delusion of being control freak being fine and normal.

yeah, apologies if the phrasing there was odd. she's diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder and takes medicine for it. It's not one of those things where she's like "OMG I'm so OCD because I clean my room!" She's actually the opposite of that, and has a lot of very neurotic behavior patterns, like basically hoarding for example, amongst a lot of other things.

I understand there's a distinction, but there is definitely a good bit of overlap there, which I presume is why they have similar names.

 

[Pissed_and_messed]

yeah no big deal

 

[chris_p]