Addiction I think I need to step up my game and quit this disastrous, chaotic arsing around

[Pissed_and_messed]

So, I have chronic physical pains and dysfunctional bladder (not ketamine-related) and massive collection of PTSD-triggers and I feel like breaking up when I even try to think about them. I just try to categorically forget it all. I have read some studies about how our brains work around the PTSD memories and I am afraid I will forget it all if I don't get therapy. As if the solutions are then out of my reach.

Pappa betalar my psychotherapy. I had just started therapy with my previous therapeutist that was specialized in PTSD, OCPD and substance abuse, more than year ago, but they quit taking any new regular patients, which I was not (anything more than occasional patient once a month, so, I could not continue with them anymore) and I just feel like I can not bear myself to confess all the shameful and discordant shit again, I am so fucking afraid and I don't know if I can do it, it is extremely painful. I have not even talked about it here, but I was living with my friend who had injury and then they lost it, I don't know why, psychosis or early stage dementia and they abused me physically and psychologically and I DON'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND ANYTHING OF IT. I have also doctor visit scheduled in private sector in the end of the month by student maintenance in my city and they might help me with my pains, because the public healthcare is being taken down by evil, fascist Orpo & Purra goverment. (Also one thing I feel like lack of will to live for, fascism is getting over the world)

Finally they killed themselves which broke me for few days but I was happy that my abuser was now gone. And I try to understand some kind of narrative to this but I don't think it is fairy tale or anything, I was total fucking ass myself too, I DID NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT WAS HAPPENING, I was possessed by my obsessive-compulsive personality disorder, and when I figured what was happening, I had personality disorder, my claim was rejected. This was already in phase where my friend started to behave towards me in condescending, hostile manner and did not take anything seriously. Neither of us was in their right mind. It was so morbid. In the end, I felt like I was living with enemy. I was afraid all the time.

I am mentally and physically so disabled of all this, that I can not fucking clean up my apartment or overall get any of my shit together without some extremely radical downer, like bupre or pregabalin or clonazepam or alprazolam. Because I live in debilitating constant fear, anxiety and stress.

And I want to get over this, it has been 5 years and in some ways I am better, but some issues I have not been able to do anything. I made rowanberry wine and drank 20 liters of it in few days after I had ran out of bupre because I did all the rest of it last friday in blackout. It caused massive issues, but fortunately nothing REALLY bad happened. It was a wakeup call, this lifestyle can any time cause serious issues by accident, overdose, fucking over my friends, getting into legal issues and overall just because it is so fucking unhealthy over time. Luckily I am good responder to cannabis and can use it as a medicine also, my experiences with completely stopping weed have been pretty bad. It is good to have breaks, but not too long. It fucks with my head.

I am so sick of this life, every time I relapse and quit, the kindling gets little worse. I just want to function like normal fucking people. I feel so weak and pathetic and literally stinky also, because I can barely take of my hygiene and I sweat ALL THE TIME because my sympathetic nervous system is constantly on overdrive.

I am on cannabis, rivotril, beer and coffee now also but I am not going back to bupre. It has some cool niche medicinal effects but it is not really worth it.

 

[Pissed_and_messed]

I called my friend tuesday when I was totally fucked up on homebrew wine I chugged to counter-act the bupre WD (they were relatively minor but I have medical conditions which for any WD is always fucking horrible). He came up and supported me but later stated while they want to keep on helping me, they felt like people who are angry to demented old people who keep on getting worse-total helplessness about the direction reality is taking.

 

[pixies+]

I’m really sorry to hear how bad things have been for you … but it’s good that you’re slowly speaking out. It’s never easy.. but it usually feels good to get things off our chests.

I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I think I speak for a lot of people when I say we’re here for you.

 

[deficiT]

I'm sorry man, that's really difficult to go through. I know all about the physical effects of mental illness and it can be extremely debilitating. Some days the most you can do is get dressed, if that. It sounds like you are having a severe streak of anxiety and ptsd though. That happens, but keep your head up. I would maybe find something to keep your mind busy, anything that you can do to keep yourself active, that isn't directly self destructive. There are support groups you can join as well. I'm not sure what you have in your country, but in the states, there is something called NAMI, and they do open support meetings over webcam. I understand you may not want to talk about your issues, but you might find it easier to open up in a low-key group setting as opposed to a doctors office. I know I do.

You should also look into EMDR therapy, if you haven't already. My mom swears by it and has been trying to get me to do it for a long time now. It is apparently transformative for PTSD, way more effective than regular CBT.

 

[Pissed_and_messed]

I rode 7 kms to sauna and swim in the sea. Then I rode back so hard tthat I had to have break. it felt goood to ride hard, I guess it launched enoprphines Sauna and swim was good for WDs, even if they weree minor. And the intense ride maybe is also trauma symptom-PTSD persons seek for extreme experiences for avoiding the cognition but subconscyly dealing with the danger they have experienced

Now I am damn high on pregabalin. It reallly helps a lot. I cleaned the worst mess, like fucking pukes I made drinking rowanberry wine. Alcoholism is truly nasty.

Do you think this would work better as a blog?

 

[thatmf]

I rode 7 kms to sauna and swim in the sea. Then I rode back so hard tthat I had to have break. it felt goood to ride hard, I guess it launched enoprphines Sauna and swim was good for WDs, even if they weree minor. And the intense ride maybe is also trauma symptom-PTSD persons seek for extreme experiences for avoiding the cognition but subconscyly dealing with the danger they have experienced

Now I am damn high on pregabalin. It reallly helps a lot. I cleaned the worst mess, like fucking pukes I made drinking rowanberry wine. Alcoholism is truly nasty.

Do you think this would work better as a blog?

Look exercise will seriously help with withdrawals from mostly ? any drugs (maybe not benzos but who knows). Keep at it, journal or just vent on here, keep us up to date. It'll be good to get all of your feelings down.

 

[Pissed_and_messed]

I havent properly slept. over gram doses of pregab just make people so stimulated. But it is ok. I broke the percolator tho when I fell over. I fell over many times after I stopped my cycling commute. Proves that it is more safe to cycle than walk when you are fucked up.

I have started to clean up less urgent mess. I am going to make new habits and forget many old habits. I am hurting physically but I am still cleaning. It is better to distract myself this way than going to fucking reddit. I should pay the bills today and I don't know if I can do it all, but at least I can pay the rent. Fucking over week late. I am going to seriously seek for love also, I am fucking horny all the time now. I realized I just need hugs. Love game is damn difficult and will cause disappointments, but I am going to try. If I just stop being so insane mess, I have good chances. I am smart and beautiful, after all.

All these goals are far away, it will take months until I can heal myself a bit. But I am always going to hurt a little and I am always going to use drugs, but I am intending to concentrate on weed.

I am fucking off of alcohol now, totally. I fucking promise that to myself. It is fucking horrible drug and I can not use it reasonably any more after the trauma I suffered. I turn sometimes total fucking cunt that causes issues to myself and other people.

Fucking rowanberry wine rock bottom. It tasted like shit also.

 

[paltatomate]

Do you think this would work better as a blog?

You started a blog once.
But it depends on how much and what kind of feedback you want.
Good to know you're over that bad episode.
A hug

 

[Pissed_and_messed]

Thanks. I still feel beaten and regretful, I can't even start to describe all the insanity that happened, and I don't even remember most of it. Events starting from last friday are mostly just blur. I also have to leave some bills not paid. I should also contact police because I have probably lost my wallet with my ID at some point somewhere, and I haven't seen it inside. And my old bank card, but I think it is disabled because I took my new one to use. I have bad credit, so I am not sure what bad could people do with my ID, so I have a bit slacked about it. Which is of course bad idea.

Also I will have minor clonazepam wds at some point. Again. I am going to taper carefully. I don't fortunately get lyrica WDs basically ever. But I guess it could be good idea to take easy with that also.

I have some shrooms I picked that I can use also for therapeutic purposes when I have a bit stabilized.

 

[Pissed_and_messed]

Hey, make some compliments about meditating.

I have this fucking dysfunctional personality disorder. So I want to control what fucking ever shit whenever. So hard that I start to analyze how I do things. And it makes me nervous and I can not connect to natural flow. The more I train the skill, the worse I get. Until I keep long break. It is so infuriating. I remember when I trained backward circles on fixie, and when I had to take a video of it for competition, I first tested do I still can make it. And I made flawless 1,5 backwards circles. Then I set up camera and I made only 1,0 circle once after countless attempts and it was out of camera, so I never got points of that.

I just WANT so hard that it fucks up everything. And when I fuck up, I get anxious. So I do want even harder then. It is so fucking ridiculous that this stupid shit somehow has developed. Well I know, it was because my dad was arbitrary lunatic, OCPDr too, and I just had to learn the fucking rules, and you can not learn arbitrary rules if you are fucking sane. So now I suffer of this shit rest of my life. It will never cease completely but it can decrease in intensity.

Now I am angry again. But the point was that I wish meditating would help.

@Zopiclone bandit I think you have done your fair share of meditating?

 

[Nas47]

take break bro or quitt this place forever....I know very well what u are talkin' about....It's not possible for a man with the heart to feel good this days....even on drugs......yes i indeed think to my self,that is better the game is over now.....'cause suffering became immense....a vibe from the world is absolute nightmare....just before collapsing....lucky them-the dead one....i tell u......drink ur meds....i wish i could do so too......and i wish u less suffering

 

[Pissed_and_messed]

I am not ready yet, I don't know how riches taste like and how climate change deniers in wealthy countries are going to explain why they are dying to starvation when floods and droughts destroy the crops. and who would disable homeless prevention technology and spread surströmming on murder cubes that are parked on light traffic lane if I was not here?

(I am not really going to mess with surströmming for wrong parking, the car should be at least ozonised, probably burned, and I think that is pretty harsh for anything more minor than literal car violence)

 

[Pissed_and_messed]

These are my real goals. And getting DAMN FRISKY and also send the driveways overspeed.

When the things start to get REAL BAD I don't want to be hooked up on anything. Can not eat the riches if you are vomiting all the time because drug supplies have collapsed.

 

[Pissed_and_messed]

today-tapering and replacement therapy meds and COOFFFFEEEEE and I am going to clean up the rowanberry wine vibe out here, so that I can have shroom trip some day soon.

Second day without alcohol starting, I know that I have many times myself experienced the minor relief of this sort of experiment, I have never been strictly daily drinker. But the feeling I get when I know I can tell the alcohol no and it can stick, is ecstatic. There is no "oh yeah, and soon I will have a drink" I feel like crying but won't know it as of yet. I am truly alcoholist in recovery.

---------------------------------

 

[Blowmonkey]

I can not fucking clean up my apartment or overall get any of my shit together without some extremely radical downer, like bupre or pregabalin or clonazepam or alprazolam. Because I live in debilitating constant fear, anxiety and stress.

And I want to get over this, it has been 5 years and in some ways I am better, but some issues I have not been able to do anything.

Shit, you are me, we even have the same avatar. I was drinking a couple of days ago and it just made me angry, I was pouring glass after glass not being able to sleep. Did you get something cleaned at least? I just move stuff around, it's like one of those hoarder episodes, but at least it gives you something to do the next time you're pissed off, lol. Even if it doesn't completely take your mind of off things it will give you a small sense of some accomplishment if you're finished, or halfway there.

Taper slowly though, don't try to do everything at once either. Get your mind off of the alcohol further with that shroom trip, don't go start tripping when you're tapering from too many downers, if your supply allows you anyways.

 

[Blowmonkey]

and who would disable homeless prevention technology and spread surströmming on murder cubes that are parked on light traffic lane if I was not here?

my hero

 

[Pissed_and_messed]

I won't start the trip if I am not feeling good. I am not afraid of the bupre WDs or alcohol WDs, they are extremely minor, I am basically over it.

But those clonazepam WDs... that thing scares the shit out of me. I had one habit on summer, maybe 2 month long and I tapered just slightly too fast, thought I was fine and then few days later got drunk on forest, we had bikes and there was at least 20 km to every grocery shop that could sell alcohol and woke up feeling´next morning on absolute terror realizing where it is going and it got worse and worse every minute...swimming helped just a little bit, but the feeling of razors on skin and deer on headlights syndrome carried on. I have learned sweat drop can actually hurt like cold rusty knife on skin.

My friend asked me "So, are you having hangover?" "Yeahhhhhhh, I would wish it was only hangover" (break) "Okay so...how are you feeling?" And I turned to look at him with deeply unbelieving expression, eyes wide fucking open, eyebrows high and mouth turning to horseshoe like "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK!?" but did not say it out loud. My friend understood the trouble I had no guts to say out loud, because it is so shameful to do the same mistakes again and again and saying it out loud would have made it more real. So he picked up one rivotril and I did immediately 1/3. Then we climbed up the observation post 20 minutes later and when I got up there, I had to frantically hold on to any structures for the life of me....when the guard rail was up to my chest and definitely high quality, safe, finnish work. My friend came a bit later and did not see me shaking in the corner and had cognition "oh my fucking god, did they fucking jump down?" Then we got down and they picked up biscuit and offered me one and my facial expression made them laugh, as if I had not not eaten for years and did not even remember food existed. Then the sun started to shine and I said "okay okay.... okay okay... this is good thing, this is good thing" with quiet voice and it made them laugh again. I made it bearably out of the issue with the rest of 2/3 pill, it is stupid how accurate you have to be tapering...I should not even eat the last bit when I have imagined being tapered the last rivo I have now. But of course I will want to.

I have pregabalin so I can take just very minimal amounts of clonazepam 36 hours before the trip so it does not completely nullify the trip, and then take those pregabalins-which I don't happen to get withdrawals from almost ever (it would probably happen on months long habit but I would barely feel it running out now.

 

[Blowmonkey]

36 hours before the trip so it does not completely nullify the trip

Oh that won't happen, cut it back to 6-12 hours and it you will still feel pretty much everything. Especially since you're tapering already, 36 hours inbetween dosages is a really fast taper btw, I'd take that slower, or was that just to make sure the trip wasn't diminished? It's not like you're immediately getting seizures or anything after a day and a half and a ~20-50 hour half-life, but psychedelics do lower the threshold somewhat. I just think you'd feel more comfortable not cutting everything so fast at once when you're going to trip, don't want to go in anxiety ridden.

 

[Pissed_and_messed]

I am feeling better than any time since I started chugging that evil rowanberry wine.

Ill get back later to what you are trying, but you see, I have pregabalin so I can replace the daily dose of clon with that and opposite way.

Depending on my needs. Yesterday I had ride in autumn landscape so preferred staying on the dreamy pregab trip I did thursday 1200 mg or something and only took rivo when I was having thoughts of going to sleep-worked perfectly. Also I did insane dose of rivo thursday because of bupre WDs so I did not need to redose for a long time.

 

[Pissed_and_messed]

I did drank yesterday liter of beer because I got PTSD trigger and could not tolerate the uncomfortable, nervous feeling. My first relapse so far. It resolved, I rode home, took a shower because I felt dirty and incapacitated and later did go get a 0.0 %-beer from restaurant.

I have some very extraordinary anal issues and food tastes bland and uninteresting, it does not offer me joy. I don't know if it is traces of some withdrawals/toxicity, but I suspect covid too.

Maybe this flat just needs to be ozonized after the rowanberry wine disaster. It would REALLY make futile the attempted money savings from brewing horrible wine. For now I have incense sticks. Cinnamon, which might synergize with the rowanberry wine.

The worst is that I don't remember much shit-there is still greater than zero possibility I move some furniture or cloth or bike component and there is dried up rowanberry wine puke. I just need to sniff around and clean everything that could resemble culprit.

I had earlier taken care of the brewing barrel mostly, but there was still some very minor traces and when I started to clean it up, I gagged repeatedly until puke.

Fuck alcoholism is so fucking nasty. If I can make it to december without having relapse that would cause serious issues or pissed drunk behaviour, I might get a cat. If I return to same utter madness, the cat would be stressed too often. So, that could be one goal too.

I am on some very good coffee so I might today clean the apartment more.