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Addiction I think I need to step up my game and quit this disastrous, chaotic arsing around

I am so thankful for you to support me. It feels unreal to have so loving community.

There is order of emotions, kinda. The pissed offness, anger protects human from anxiety which protects from sorrow and/or fear. Or something like that, you get the idea. My therapeutist actually confirmed that is thing.

Some years ago after trauma, I noticed how it all changes all the time. Very unstable. And when the colossal sorrow got too bad, I sometimes dissociated in very selective way. Only disconnect from emotions but otherwise I felt like all is real and clear. When the trauma was happening and long while after, I was just griefing hard, my soul had broken. I had never before felt so vulnerable and fragile. I cried so loudly, it felt sometimes endless and sorrow too big to cry out. It feels good to cry sometimes, but eventually, it started to feel just bad. I could cry chaotically when walking outside doing errands. I tried to avoid it, but eventually I got dependent on benzos. They made me so empty, emotionless and useless. Withdrawal, well, you know.

I have now realized that in the moment, the worst problem is fear, anxiety. I expect myself to fail acting up to the obsessions I have and avoiding triggers. And I have constant pains. And the thing with chronic pain is, it changes your personality and lifestyle. It conditioned me to be extremely body conscious and avoiding certain things. The obsession-compulsion part of me twisted around it and I am now using my body all the time in compulsive way. Have for years. I don't want to move. I want to be in certain positions and not in certain positions. I don't want to go outside.

It is so insanely cruel to live like this. But I am certain things are changing. I can fucking do it.

<3

Now I feel totally exhausted and I just want to sleep. Just suddenly, out of nowhere. But I have to eat. I want to develop new habits.
 
It is difficult to develop any habits or senseful behaviour when only thing you are trying to do is avoiding pain, second by second.
 
Pissed_and_messed said:
I am not ready yet, I don't know how riches taste like and how climate change deniers in wealthy countries are going to explain why they are dying to starvation when floods and droughts destroy the crops. and who would disable homeless prevention technology and spread surströmming on murder cubes that are parked on light traffic lane if I was not here?

(I am not really going to mess with surströmming for wrong parking, the car should be at least ozonised, probably burned, and I think that is pretty harsh for anything more minor than literal car violence)
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i duuno what is this srtromming....u scandinavians are pure fog to me.the re is not any solution of the problem with air polution and climate change...this bullshit with all that green deal will make us enourmous poor and living in absolute agony...yes we doin' for our children some will say.to breathe cleaner air.....bullshit again...the process is irreversible.....no one could stop climate change....and the role of the humans here is not so big....the star...the sun is gettin brighter....it's the cicle.....but not one or no so many believe in higher power,almost anyone lost the sence"fear fromGod"-people laughing at this....The greed leds....now the insanity leds....no save here......salvation is probably for handful of people,who already got his undreground bunkers...haha even cities.....waiting for the nuclear blast....le't's live underground like cockroackes goddamn satanic breeds...i spit on them:poop:🤮🤮🤮
 
Pissed_and_messed said:
I am so thankful for you to support me. It feels unreal to have so loving community.

There is order of emotions, kinda. The pissed offness, anger protects human from anxiety which protects from sorrow and/or fear. Or something like that, you get the idea. My therapeutist actually confirmed that is thing.

Some years ago after trauma, I noticed how it all changes all the time. Very unstable. And when the colossal sorrow got too bad, I sometimes dissociated in very selective way. Only disconnect from emotions but otherwise I felt like all is real and clear. When the trauma was happening and long while after, I was just griefing hard, my soul had broken. I had never before felt so vulnerable and fragile. I cried so loudly, it felt sometimes endless and sorrow too big to cry out. It feels good to cry sometimes, but eventually, it started to feel just bad. I could cry chaotically when walking outside doing errands. I tried to avoid it, but eventually I got dependent on benzos. They made me so empty, emotionless and useless. Withdrawal, well, you know.

I have now realized that in the moment, the worst problem is fear, anxiety. I expect myself to fail acting up to the obsessions I have and avoiding triggers. And I have constant pains. And the thing with chronic pain is, it changes your personality and lifestyle. It conditioned me to be extremely body conscious and avoiding certain things. The obsession-compulsion part of me twisted around it and I am now using my body all the time in compulsive way. Have for years. I don't want to move. I want to be in certain positions and not in certain positions. I don't want to go outside.

It is so insanely cruel to live like this. But I am certain things are changing. I can fucking do it.

<3

Now I feel totally exhausted and I just want to sleep. Just suddenly, out of nowhere. But I have to eat. I want to develop new habits.
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Keep your head up dude. The chronic pain sucks, everything is so much harder after injuring my leg. I definitely feel like I can't do shit, and I have very little motivation for much beyond work.
 
Nas47 said:
i duuno what is this srtromming....u scandinavians are pure fog to me.
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it is deliberately rotted fish. You should try it sometime in hangover. Even opening the can will make you puke. Watch trailer park boys episode of it.


Nas47 said:
salvation is probably for handful of people
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Yes. I, myself, live in Finland, which is kinda first world, but the elite is doing active class war here, and when the crops start to fail in massive counts, I expect to either die of hunger suffering horribly or get into cannibalism. Or something. I don't know, that was somewhat brave divination. No one knows what will happen exactly and what countries fare best and blaa blaa. Years ago scientists said that finland might fare best in climate change. But now they are expecting the golf stream to stop. :hyper: WOOOOHOOO WE WILL HAVE POLAR BEARS IF EVERYONE OF THEM HAS NOT DROWNED BY THEN. Also good countries to live in climate crisis might not let anyone in, and shoot people in the border.

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I have relapsed today too. I drank yesterday liter of beer. Then I got home, had shower, felt refreshed of the disgusting fog that makes me just function fucking badly and admitted what happened. Later I started to do amph-meth paste, and I felt like I did not need alcohol. Then I got home, and somehow heavy and bit stressed, this was just few hours back, and I thought to go out to see people and OBVIOUSLY DRINK BEER and because I was starting to feel bit weird and could not concentrate on anything, ALCOHOLIC BEER exactly, which solves problems. (also the problem that I should take my 1/4 rivotril because I've been again doing them in amounts that will cause at least minor inconvenience upon total cessation, which my illnesses make worse.)

But what is, in addition to multiple triggers, noteworthy, is that the decision happened very suddenly, I did NOT planned to drink beer today, but I suddenly made it happen.

And then we could get to the phenomenon I have seen in myself so many times. My mind started to play games that

maybe it is okay to drink a bit, just 2 every day or something when you have figured every errand blaa blaa blaa.

Maybe yes, but when alcoholic me thinks like this for a while and does maybe one or two days those beers it turns to

Maybe it is okay to drink beer

My conclusion is; when you are strictly trying to not use drug, and when you relapse, you might actually use the drug responsibly occasionally, because you are trying your best to not use, but relapse all the time, and then the addiction speaks; well you seem to be using the drug just responsibly. You are clearly in control and can use the drug.
 
Actually now I feel a bit demotivated of quitting. If it makes me feel better 1/4 of times I use it and if its quitting is so hard, why bother? If addiction is strong, why not just to submit to it?

Maybe this cognition is deviated from the assumption that everything will repeat as it happened and thus', I know everything. Why? If addiction is compared to hobby or profession, YOU ARE NOT AS GOOD IN THE BEGINNING AS IN THE END. I don't know if they can be compared, what do you think?
 
So, I figured that I develop positive rules. I can consciously by hard trying to think, develop new logics and beliefs. I can not perceive reality same way as most people (and most people can not perceive world like most people). While I think that the whole personality disorder is mostly harmful, I am playing by the rules I can.

Most of my rules are about avoiding DANGER AND PAIN. And some of them are completely illogical or even dangerous.
I must state, that rules are not developed only by me. But also modulator. Which is part of me. We are the same, in many definions of patterns and things existing and being separated and united.

If nothing is wrong, be happy.
If you are happy, nothing is wrong.

Here we can also see how the rules I develop with modulator, can be dangerous. The rule "If you are happy, nothing is wrong." can lead to ignoring many issues, depending on interpretation of the words and how far the rule is taken and are there any contradicting rules.

This is largely how I operate in reality. This is my modus operandi. Someone could tell me to stop it, but when I try to stop it, it will happen on the conditions of OCPD.

It would look like this

iu
 
I am existing against the possibility of not existing.

This is something I can work with. I have achieved a state in life I can claim being tolerable. I know this will hurt a lot in the future, but this is something where I can iterate towards existing in the form I don't feel pointless. It is not here as of yet, but I can make it happen. I can forget and I can forgive myself. I can carry my pain until it is not so all-absorbing, trusting there will be something more to life. I need to do it again and again and again.



I know it is possible.
 
I was in big event, more than hundred people audiovisual bicycle parade around the town, some people drinking also, not heavily but some, and I did not drink anything but water, 0,5 % and single 2,8 % when I ran out of 0,5 %. Only simple medication in the background. All in all, the event lasted more than 6 hours, and some people are still probably raving out there.

It was amazing, all the damn lights and decos and the music blasting LOUD from two or three bikes. The event has progressed a lot in 7 years I participated last-we had real artists playing and projector that displayed HUGE sceneries in trees and buildings.
 
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Okay, great, I can participate in mass event (I have not read any proper reports but organizer anticipated half thousand participants before the event and that's how it looked like too) without drinking, but minor BZD rebounds that are peaking now really kick my scenario running on eleventh gear and I would DEFINITELY drink ANY alcoholic drink right now if I had any, but I don't even have money. No questions asked, I would chug until unconscious. That's how it was also the first time I had proper WDs, I could not stop it, endless loop of endless different variations of events playing on my head. I am not going to be functional today, drink or not. Even mirtazapine can't knock me off properly.
:hypno:
 
Sad but true, becoming allergic to alcohol and years after nearly dying was the only thing that made me quit. So then I got put on morphine, oxycodone and Ativan( lorazepam) 2mgx3 per day. 1mg of Ativan = 10mg of Valium.
So I traded 1 problem for 3.
Luckily BL and my doctor( didn't put me on benzos) was knowledgeable and prescribed the same comfort meds as BL members recommended. Cut out 24/7 morphine and cut my Benzo use in half. It has been over a year.

I am older than you and have realized that since I was 18 I have been on something or many things.


It is no way to go through life, it catches up with you and destroys you in so many ways.

It is good to hear that you realize this. You have time and fix this. I am mainly talking about alcohol. It is insidious for some people, including me.

Please try hard to get your life in order. You don't want to be over 40 and a mess.

I hate seeing people with potential ruin their lives. Please try hard to stop drinking, your life will improve.

If you need something, then weed is you best option, which I believe you know.
 
Thanks! You are right, after all.

I am intending to decrease my caffeine use now. With all the metabolites, it can disturb sleep quite long. I am going to always struggle with sleep, but I don't need to make it so much worse as drinking over liter of coffee a day can make the problem, and also the initial mornings before treating the dependence caffeine causes.

Insomnia is what has always collapsed my attempts in being completely sober, and I probably will stock up with weed once I get money, in order to prevent sudden impulse drinking.
 
Thank you, people have laughed at me for bitching about too much caffeine.

I also really hope you can overcome one of the worst, but socially acceptable addictions. Alcohol really destroyed me.

Insomnia sucks, it can mess with impulse control and many other issues.

Best of luck, bro, it is especially hard because it is everywhere, almost.
 
This school really fucks me up mentally. I can function in the recreational mass event as I said, but everything about school is very triggering. Yesterday I had what is called "escape fear" in my language. Intense desire to flee. I had already lost the control of obsessive-compulsive tendencies once I even started to prepare for going out. And then I had evaluation of the course I took, and I scored only "average". Before the 2020, this would have not moved me much, but now it really set me off bad time. After that, I noped the fuck out, drank one beer, smoked little emergency THC (whatever I could scrape off from any surfaces and bags and trays left) and took 7,5 mg of mirtazapine to knock myself out for 6 hours of nightmares.

When I was living with my friend who has now died, they started to insult and judge me, particularly in work setting where we were growing cannabis while they was injured in their hip and it has since made me very sensitive to critique or even hints that I have done anything wrong. I am suffering of constant sense of insufficiency. When I started the course, I worked one billet to slightly wrong measurements, and it triggered full-blown panic attack in me, I was afraid to show the practice work. Also the teenagers have few times been joking about me. It is like they considered me some freak, which I am indeed, but their sheer stupidity and lack of experience in life is annoying, while completely understandable. They might be technically adults, but I consider them fucking brats, just to protect myself. Anyway, that really makes me feel like outcast in some ways, but there are grown-ups also I can empathize and socialize with. But even with them, I am also often nervous and distracted, which makes me shameful. It seems like I can not function in purposeful way, in most definitions of "purposeful". Mostly I feel like I am only barely making it and feeling tormented in the process. And I hate noticing I am only making the situation worse while trying to save it. It is chaotic downward spiral.

All in all, I don't know what to do about it. In 9 hours, I am going to the doctor, which is another triggering and frightening event for me, as I have to explain psychosomatic symptoms of PTSD. I guess I am going to just do it again and again, and in some conditions I can get better, but it is very delicate process. OCPD tends to mitigate benefits of training, as when things become obsession-compulsion, I become worse at what I am doing-it is truly dysfunctional and harmful disorder. Actually it is fucking infuriating. It is very difficult to not take it personally. What I can gather of this is, is that while I'd hate facing that reality, I possibly need help of psychotherapeutist. I am trying my best to avoid that.
 
With great pleasure, I can inform you, that after sleeping 12 hours and having nothing scheduled, I have been able to get over my uncertainty, insecurity and perfectionism, and do postponed chores like doing dishes that have been soaking in water all this week, on nothing but mirtazapine and coffee. I had to play music to get some additional power, tho', it seems to be necessity at this point. This is something I have commonly done fucked up on different sedatives and sometimes weed and stimulants, so, it is pretty huge deal. If I can pull this off regularly, I, uh, have only thousand problems left. :hyper:

I have ONE issue I really should take care of as soon as possible, I can not really imagine much more harrowing case, disgusting dishwater is nothing compared to this shit, and if I had money, I would go buy liquour or oxycodone RIGHT NOW and would look at it only after that. I am pretty sure I will eventually deal with it "sober" also, and feel immense emotional distress and conflict while doing that. It is about money and humans and traffic accident with some room for interpretation
:facepalm: Combination that really makes me ultra-pissed off. I don't really like "room for interpretation" so I'd hate to not compensate for full price, but also I think that another party in traffic accident was also to blame for, so I'd hate to pay full price-and to make matters worse, I already said I can pay for full price, but then my friend reminded me about traffic rules, and stated that it was not possibly very good decision. There. I said it. You see why I would 100 % totally want to relapse right now?

It is only about 0,5k which I would want to actually split tho', but it is not only about money.
 
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thatmf said:
Look exercise will seriously help with withdrawals from mostly ? any drugs (maybe not benzos but who knows). Keep at it, journal or just vent on here, keep us up to date. It'll be good to get all of your feelings down.
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Pissed_and_messed said:
I am feeling better than any time since I started chugging that evil rowanberry wine.

Ill get back later to what you are trying, but you see, I have pregabalin so I can replace the daily dose of clon with that and opposite way.

Depending on my needs. Yesterday I had ride in autumn landscape so preferred staying on the dreamy pregab trip I did thursday 1200 mg or something and only took rivo when I was having thoughts of going to sleep-worked perfectly. Also I did insane dose of rivo thursday because of bupre WDs so I did not need to redose for a long time.
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Update on the situation decribed in previous post: I borrowed some money to get fucking drunk to be able to overcome my feelings for a short while. And I did the task.

Now I am just feeling disgusted of this shitty high. I feel like I can not do anything properly. The power of this drug lies in lowering your standards, inhibitions and emotions and comes with the price of fucking up your functionality. Which is in and of itself, very distressing for OCPD-sufferer, which, of course, always wants to be in control. It is the last resort for traumatized chronic pain sufferer. I can't even clean up anymore, I don't know why, but I never feel like cleaning up or playing games, or anything I really like or want to do, when I am drunk.

I kinda knew I would not like it after this long break (more than 10 days without more than 2 standard EU-doses of alcohol in single day, and most days I was completely without any alcohol). Generally when I have been off alcohol for a short while, I realize how fucking revolting and problematic this drug is once I get wasted again. But because I don't have any weed, for example, I don't really have much options but to drink until I shut off. Or maybe I have, suffering is option, but as alcoholic, I am not going to do that.

I actually talked about this with one of my friends today; boundary conditions and prioritizing. Do I have wiggle room for being dysfunctional for any amount of time? This is the frame of reference where taking a drug or medication seems like a no-brainer and absolutism seems stupidity and just plain fucking unhealthy. This also applies to my delayed sleep phase disorder, which with I try to study metal working field 3-4 days a week.

I really would not want to do even weed right now, I have other things I want to concentrate on, drugs can wait just fine, but it might be that I need to get some cannabis bud or hash, because I am working in that reference frame and I do my best to avoid relapses to the worst drugs I have most issues with; hard recreational sedatives, like benzos, alcohol, buprenorphine and tramadol (oxycodone would be in that list if it was priced so I could maintain habit, really).
 
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