Kaatrina
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Apr 23, 2019
- Messages
- 342
I realized my delusions were false but Stull fell back into them in my 2nd psychosis. Not as many or as bad as the first time, I didn't believe that my brother was alive and trying to find me anymore ect., but enough to be nonfunctional.
The buildup to my first psychosis took about 8 months, with strange behavior really manifesting in the last month or two. I had similar feelings of paranoia, i thought i was under military surveillance and that everything i did was a signal they could read, for example if i had a random thought to smash my coffee pot on the pavement outside they would understand the meaning of that, and so i would make it a point to follow any such urge. At first it felt good because the people watching me were my "friends", but just as in my subsequent psychoses, eventually all of these feelings turned negative. I think entering my subsequent psychosis happened because of these initial good and powerful spiritual feelings.
At the end i believed that my mother was either working for or a body double of Nancy Pelosi, and that my childhood home and my friends' apartments were just fronts that they showed while they went off to live luxurious lives and scorn my while i wasnt around. That my brother wasnt really dead but instead was trying to hyde from me, and that he, my other brother and his girlfriend were working together and could switch heads and spent their time laughing and mocking me from just out of sight. That typos that i would make on my phone and keyboard were secret comms from my inner self. Among other things.
Ive mentioned before that i was following an online source that pushed messages that i took as gospel at the time. Among actual gospel would be messages like "nothing is coincidence" and "everything has meaning". Spiritually consuming these messages and trying to live them out were, i think, at least part of why the whole thing got so bad.
theres no way to ensure it. I think you should be asking yourself - how long can i live normally and functionally between episodes? Can i work with a psych to make an action plan so that i know i can be taken to hospital and what will be given to me in hospital to help allieviate the fear of that happening? How long before i come out of it on my own once in care? Once you know the answers to these questions i think you can answer the question of whether it is a good trade off for you to live for the rest of your life on these meds.
if your therapist keeps pushing meds , you should find a new therapist. I told my therapist that I had a psych to talk about medication with. A therapist can't even prescribe meds, so perhaps you are talking to a psychologist, who doesn't do therapy but is just a living pillbox.
freud says that psychoses are manifestations of prelingual and precognitive communications of things and ideas that our psyche has suppressed. Can you think of anything that your psyche may have suppressed? I couldnt, but after therapy i really started to realize a lot of what I had gone through that I didn't or refused to before. I think this really helped to relieve pressure points on my psyche that was bearing that repressed suffering.
In my case, I only experience it once every two years and get to live a normal life otherwise. There is no guarantee that your life will be "full" of psychosis unless you see that pattern actually happening in your life. Every psych , like my first one, will tell you that if you aren't on meds you will always be psychotic. This is a lie. Psychosis recedes, just like depression. Psychs treat depression in the same way - a lifetime treatment with derogatory physical and mental effects to treat a temporary symptom.
My first psych told me that if I didn't stay on invega sustenna I would kill my own children. You need to trust yourself first and foremost.
I know you've said it isn't a problem, but you do mention alcohol quite often and I just want to say that alcoholism and alcoholic withdrawal can cause psychosis. I am only pointing this out because it seems like you were at a place where you are trying to explore the causes of what happened to you.
