Yay another recovery diary

Sounds good.

But when I pray I feel so much better.

Or when I have to.

It's stressful just going there. Because it's so peaceful it just gets to hard to even handle when in the middle of fucking chaos.

Anyway, however, I still say any little bit helps. And hopefully more.
 
Hey guys I just wanted to say I appriciate all the love in here. It really does mean more than you could imagine.
hylite said:
Sounds good.

But when I pray I feel so much better.

Or when I have to.

It's stressful just going there. Because it's so peaceful it just gets to hard to even handle when in the middle of fucking chaos.

Anyway, however, I still say any little bit helps. And hopefully more.
Click to expand...

I try to pray as often as I can. It really does make me feel better. And it's so weird I can't even explain it but I feel like it doesn't need explaining lol. Old atheist me would had wanted an explanation but I'm trying to be good with the things that don't have an explanation because sometimes that's the way God seems to work. So far I'm only good about praying for myself. And that's what I have needed. But I think I'm going to try to start to pray for other people too.

Shelby 4/16/22 9:02pm
 
Sent to my dad on 4/18 as of 4/19 he has seen the message but hasn't replied...

"Hey. I hope you guys are doing ok. I know we haven't talked a lot recently, and I know this is pretty bad timing, but I'm having a hard time down here, and don't really have any support at the moment. I'm currently in a place where I'm supposed to be out by the 16th of May, not because of anything bad, but it is what it is, and they're wanting me out and I don't have a place to go. I'm not needing money or anything like that, but I was just needing to be much closer to people who had my best interest at heart, at least until I can figure more of life out. Is there any way I can come stay with y'all so I can get my head on straight? I'm just kind of alone and doing this whole thing on my own and it's really not going that well right now, and I'm not sure what to do about any of it."

Shelby 4/19/22 10:26pm
 
Hi guys I hope you're doing ok. Today has been a really terrible day.
I pawned two computer monitors, my tablet, and a chromecast just to keep my electric on. Not a very good deal if you ask me.
I'm not happy about it.

I only got $89 for it.

A few days ago I signed up for basically what is prepaid electric. I had put $70 on it and I was doing so well. I've been using basically $3/day in electric, and then they added another $3 for my previous bill, however... And all of this is gonna sound real shady and yes the power company here is shady as hell but they make the process of trying to get a credit so long that you just get frustrated with it and I'm so tired of fighting for nothing.

I typed that last part some time ago. I get so... Idk... Lost.... With myself. Lost in the universe...

So today I woke up to a negative balance on my prepaid electric. They text you everyday what you have left on your account instead of billing for it they just deduct whatever you pay into the account. So yesterday I had $50 something dollars in my account. This morning I woke up with -$20 and a text saying they were about to disconnect my service. Well I call them up right and first they told me that my electric company pre authorizes it and then takes it out of the account at a later date.

So for example... I paid $50 on April 13th. I paid an extra $1.85 to get it deducted from my card THAT moment.

It took them all the way till the 19th to actually deduct it from the card I was using. Fucking stupid. I thought I was ok I thought I miscalculated everything I need to pay which happens quite a bit.

Ok if you need another example of why I probably should not be living alone... I accidentally left the oven on for like 2 hours after I had gotten my pizza out of the oven.

So anyways... I don't know what's going to happen to me. I'm really scared. I could use a good support system but none of the people that should be coming to be my support system are helping. And I know how external lotus of control this looks and a little bit yeah but also no because I realize like I'm the fucking problem like I'm the one that is fucked in my head I'm the one that burnt bridges. I get it. I know. But it really is like nobody gives a fuck and it is goddamn tiring.

Like... I don't know what to convey to whom to get them to understand that I could really use a lot of help right now. I could use the support of my blood. I could use the support of people who so easily try to dictate my life and then back out when the consequence of the thing they told me to do was not good.

I don't even like getting high it's all fucking stupid I get so tired of everybody taking advantage but nobody helping. It's made it to where I don't trust ANYBODY.

I don't even trust myself. Like I'm so afraid my dad is going to tell me that it's ok to live with him and then what? What if I fuck that up as fucking easy as I fucked up all my bridges with everybody else? Like what stupid fucking thing am i going to feel the compulsion to lie to him about? I can't do this with myself anymore. All of it is fucking stupid.

I pawned my two monitors, my tablet, and a chromecast just to keep my electric on.

My neighbor who uses took me and I gave her twenty dollars for whatever she wanted and she got some shit and shared with me which... I don't even know... It's all fucking stupid. She was kinda shit talking me to her friend. I was going along with it to get my portion of course but also like...

Yeah... Let people do and say what they want... I'm paying attention.

Like ok a couple days ago my older Vietnam vet neighbor was at my house. I fed him dinner. He was talking with his best friend who was telling him that his gold digging girlfriend wasn't good for him. And he looked at me and I told him that his best friend is just telling him the same gospel I've been trying to tell him for months now.

He gets all in a huff and cries and takes off his wedding ring and is like "well fuck it I guess I'm done"

Not even 5 fucking minutes later he is texting his gf and asks me how to spell "drop" and I was like "use it in context" so I can make sure I hear him right... And he says "they can all drop dead"

And so I tell him those are pretty harsh words for the people that care about him and feed him.

He told me that it wasn't about me, but being that I have the SAME opinions about her that his best friend has about her, I'm pretty sure it was.

He's just a fucking old man who is playing both sides and plays the "old" card to get his way. He shows no respect for anybody. It's always about him.

Sighhhh I feel so lonely in this life. Like... Existentially lonely.

This is why I wish my dad would help because he's blood and it would be fucked to fuck over blood on purpose (no my dad doesn't use and never has thank God)

If I was going to commit an unalive, I don't know that I would say anything. The last time I went to the ER telling them I wanted to commit an unalive, it turned into maybe the single most traumatic thing that has happened in my life. And I've been through a lot of shit.

I'm not going to unalive myself yet.

Butchy needs the person I could be. Butchy needs me.

Butchy is definitely the only thing that keeps me hanging on.... That's for sure.

Shelby 4/20/22 3:04am
 
Man I feel fucking lonely today. I know I'm just feeling what is normal for coming down but damn. I'm trying to keep my electricity bill but fuck is it hot and humid outside. I've got 7 days of electricity use projected left.

Tomorrow I'm going to call the salvation army, I had submitted a request for assistance with my electric. I'm not sure if I should tell them I signed up for prepaid electric because on prepaid electric they don't give disconnection notices they just shut you off, so I'm scared I will be disqualified for help because I'm on prepaid, but if I say nothing what could happen?
Maybe I'll just pretend nothing changed and accept the help.

Tomorrow at 2:04pm is my actual interview for disability. Idk why 2:04pm but I know I'm going to bring all alarms I have to the living room where I sleep so that way I know I'm up.

There's still part of me that wants to work but I'm legitimately afraid of starting any job period like I already have so many jobs on my resume that I'm legitimately thinking about lying a little bit about and taking away a couple jobs and filling in some gap years. I feel like most people don't even check to make sure what you say is true but if they did it could be bad. I applied for a job today it's for a retailer that works out of Walmart I think. I just hope they're not going to require a car, because I don't have one.

Maybe I should tweet Elon Musk every day till he gives me a Tesla.

That's the least he could do right like if he's not gonna pay taxes he could at least give me a tesla. Hell.... I'll take a used tesla like I truly don't give a fuck at least me and butchy will have something to live out of haha.

Ugh.

Just trying to have faith that everything will work out in the end but damn does it feel like this (ALL of this: the loneliness, the frusteration, all of it) is gonna last forever.

It's all gonna work out
It's all gonna work out
It's all gonna work out
It's all gonna work out...


I hope.

Shelby 4/20/22 5:50pm
 
I set my loud alarm that I used to get up for my previous job and I applied to (phone company). I'm sure I probably won't get the job, but I could really use it to keep myself on a good track. I'd definitely have to go to vocational rehab if I got it. Like if I get that job man... All the bitches better watch out because imma coming lol. I'm going to try to not put all my eggs in that basket though. It would be cool. But if I lost that job I would burn out so hard so maybe it's good that I don't get it plus who knows where I'm going to be in a month.

Shelby 4/21/22 1:26am
 
Idk bout y'all but my inner child comes out the most at like 3am when I'm supposed to be laying down, asleep, sober or not lol my inner child straight up "I'm hungryyyyy" "I'm hot" "I need a drink of water" like my inner child about to drive me nuts y'all. Like thank God, I know what my inner child is saying, but damn... He be saying too much sometimes 😂
Shelby 4/21/22 2:56am
 
This is a message to anyone that thinks that I'll grow out of it, like I got to where I am now by coincidence. Nothing is a coincidence and leaving the situation alone hoping it will get better with time (and hoping that I'll "get" what you think I should be "getting") DEFINITELY isn't it either, chief. Thanks for playing the game though, but we all lost.


Shelby 4/23/22 8:38pm
 
I'm so glad they moved my posts to the blog section, which feels like the wasteland of bluelight a little bit. It's always like there's one person in my life at any given time who wants to make sure they get their way.

How the absolute fuck do I seclude myself in my apartment to the point of having diagnosable agoraphobia, and STILL

STILL

I attract people that wanna make it all about themselves?

Nobody can leave well enough alone.

Let me rephrase that. Nobody can leave me alone in the places that I work hard to keep, but God forbid if I need help that's when everybody wants to leave me alone.

It's fucking stupid and childish, and now I might as well just be writing to my own self.

I literally chose to write on a forum to get input, because it was obvious to me that I didn't have the answer, but because a couple people couldn't change the fact that my recovery looked different than how they THOUGHT it should look like, I got banished to the nether region of nowhereville.

Man, people are fucking rediculous. They wanna make a forum about trying to get clean and then they wanna fuck your game up when you struggle.

Talk about kicking people when you're down.

I'm deciding what I want to do with this thread and even if it's worth continuing, if I'm going to be policed for being honest about the struggle.

I'm fucking burnt out on everything and I'm over all of it. All of it.

Shelby 4/24/22 1:51am
 
So... Idk what happened. But like... Something happened just a few minutes ago like maybe an hour ago.

Idk what it is or how to explain it but this song played from my YouTube music library

And just... I mean I've heard it before... A few times actually... And each time it was as inspiring, sure... But this time when I heard it... I just felt like this massive weight lift off my chest.

Like I felt... Peace. And like... A feeling of eternal calmness. Like both a reminder of death but also the reminder that everything is going to be ok.

I don't know how to explain why I felt it all of a sudden... I don't feel like I did anything to feel such a mystifying peace about my life, it just happened.

Honestly I feel like I've strayed away from what God or the universe or whatever you call it has been trying to reach me like I've been trying to take control and do things my way even though God has definitely been trying to steer me in a different direction, but like the big thought coming in my mind that feels like it might be a sign is that I am only free through the mercy of love.

I feel.... Thankful. I tried smoking a little dope before typing this and I just... Nah. I'm really not... Like... The devil exists ok, he is well and alive on earth, but I need to stop inviting him into my house.

So I leave the bathroom because I straight up was not having a good time and I feel like the weight of all my addiction Is just... Gone....

And yes I have the same thought you're having right now I hope It stays gone for good. But something is telling me that it's all going to be OK like I feel the inner peace feeling again.

Like I can feel myself breathing like my breathing feels good to my body I've never felt like this like I'm not even high like I had a couple poofs and then picked at my face for hours like I can't tell you how many years getting high was getting low and I just kept chasing that for idk why...

But I don't want to be low no mo.

Like I literally don't have to be at all ever again. Holy shit.

So anyways I get out of the bathroom and I'm like "I'm really feeling God working in my life right now I'm going to turn on some Joyce Meyer" and I open YouTube and this is literally the first video that pops up.



Like this is what it feels like when God is talking to me. It's peaceful, it's loving, it makes sense in every way.

I should follow what God is trying to tell me more often. I think that's what I was supposed to be doing this whole time.

Shelby 5/2/22 3:43am
 

I am willing to make changes in my life so I can follow what's simple and makes sense and is loving.

Shelby 5/2/22 3:59am
 
Omg this lady is so fucking hilarious holy fucking shit all of her videos all of them oh my God she is so fucking hilarious I am dead


Shelby 5/3/22 1:20am
 


I needed to hear this today.

I slept all day. I can't remember if I said anything but I'm on prepaid electric now and I could see how it could be kinda good for someone who has a steady flow of money, but I definitely don't have that and my balance has been a little low and today the power company sent me a text telling me I was going to get disconnected tomorrow.

So I asked my older Vietnam vet neighbor to borrow $20. I'm going to see if he will let me paying him back slide because he had multiple sink fulls of dishes that I did by hand and then cooked him breakfast.

But I'm trying to sale my bike my friend gave me for electricity money until the check from the salvation army gets to the power company. Hopefully the money from the salvation army will last long enough till I get my disability money and then I'll be ok.

But tomorrow I've got to give my doctor's the disability paperwork. My doctors knows I'm filing for disability so it's not going to be a surprise to her.

I didn't get high today. Thank God. I do have plans to sale the bike and use some of that money to get some shit. It is what it is. I need to stop inviting the devil in my house but there's this other perspective as well that part of me feels like I can go about 3 days without a little bit of shit and then my energy level just goes to shit and I do realize typing this out that my addiction is maybe a little worse than I realize. I'm not a fan and I'm really not going to be the fan if I'm sitting here without electric in the hot Oklahoma summer.

Anyways... I got my air conditioner on rn I'm trying to cool it down in here before they turn off my electric at 8am and then I'm going to walk to Walmart, put the $20 my neighbor gave me on my bill, and then catch the bus to my doctor and then come back home.

My problems could be so much worse and thank God their not.

Shelby 5/4/22 1:58am
 


I ask myself in the YouTube videos I watch like "what is God teaching me in this video" and honestly like what is God teaching me in this video?

He is teaching me that I need to embrace my fucking weirdness and that also the straights are not ok

Amen

Shelby 5/5/22 12:25am
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top