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TDS Ideation & Crisis Support

Hi friends!
i thought long and hard before posting this (or replying to an unknown post instead) - i don't want to give any idea to nobody but then i thought i have nowhere else to raise this subject
and i do want to ask for guidance if possible..

so... for many years I have been fantasizing suicide but until lately it was just ideation (didn't planned anything concrete, just toying with the idea philosophically maybe). those last couple of months seemed like all the stars had (m)aligned against me for some reason and was hit with blow after tragic blow..

the phrase "if I didn't have bad luck I wouldn't have any luck at all" never seemed more accurate for me in my life. I won't trouble you with all of the shit I've had to endure but I will say that in my 40 troubled years on this plant I had never went through half of what I had to deal with those last months and the worst is yet to come.

so this last month I had been obsessed with suicide to the point it never leaved my thoughts for a moment, like some kind of suicide OCD if you can call it that.
although i am suicidal I can't shake the knowledge that I don't have the courage or the impulsivity required to pull that off -
until an hour or 2 ago that is, I was shocked that it never even crossed my mind for some reason but I have found the way to go. I am very reluctant as to write what that method is... (is it ok if I will?)

the main reason i wanted to post here, as I wrote before, is for guidance and some small amount of research on how to do it right and painlessly as possible but now i just can't seem to reveal the method because (although it's a common enough method) I don't want to give anyone any bright ideas so I'm fucked..

so if it's basically ok to write what my intended method is I would like to ask for some advice and education regarding the matter at hand.


much love and thanks in advance,
jona
 
user name1 said:
Hi friends!
i thought long and hard before posting this (or replying to an unknown post instead) - i don't want to give any idea to nobody but then i thought i have nowhere else to raise this subject
and i do want to ask for guidance if possible..

so... for many years I have been fantasizing suicide but until lately it was just ideation (didn't planned anything concrete, just toying with the idea philosophically maybe). those last couple of months seemed like all the stars had (m)aligned against me for some reason and was hit with blow after tragic blow..

the phrase "if I didn't have bad luck I wouldn't have any luck at all" never seemed more accurate for me in my life. I won't trouble you with all of the shit I've had to endure but I will say that in my 40 troubled years on this plant I had never went through half of what I had to deal with those last months and the worst is yet to come.

so this last month I had been obsessed with suicide to the point it never leaved my thoughts for a moment, like some kind of suicide OCD if you can call it that.
although i am suicidal I can't shake the knowledge that I don't have the courage or the impulsivity required to pull that off -
until an hour or 2 ago that is, I was shocked that it never even crossed my mind for some reason but I have found the way to go. I am very reluctant as to write what that method is... (is it ok if I will?)

the main reason i wanted to post here, as I wrote before, is for guidance and some small amount of research on how to do it right and painlessly as possible but now i just can't seem to reveal the method because (although it's a common enough method) I don't want to give anyone any bright ideas so I'm fucked..

so if it's basically ok to write what my intended method is I would like to ask for some advice and education regarding the matter at hand.


much love and thanks in advance,
jona
Click to expand...
Hi jona, sorry it's taken a couple of days for me to reply to this. It makes me really sad when I read about people like you who seem to have made up their mind about ending their life. I understand the obsession of suicide, as I have been there myself. In fact, I have attempted suicide 6 times altogethe (and THANKFULLY I have failed 6 times. I now joke that I gave up attempting suicide because I clearly suck at it lol). I have written countless suicide notes, discussed it with close friends and ex-partners, so I truly do understand what it's like to be in the mindset that you're in.

Having said that though, due to the sensitive nature of this forum, and that some people who read these threads are in very vulnerable states, we do not allow discussion of suicide methods, and we cannot in any way condone or encourage your act of suicide as that is actually illegal.

We CAN however discuss how you're feeling, your suicidal thoughts, what has lead you to this point, and give advice on what to do from here. I hope that in this moment as you are reading this, that you are feeling okay <3
 
n3ophy7e said:
Hi jona, sorry it's taken a couple of days for me to reply to this. It makes me really sad when I read about people like you who seem to have made up their mind about ending their life. I understand the obsession of suicide, as I have been there myself. In fact, I have attempted suicide 6 times altogethe (and THANKFULLY I have failed 6 times. I now joke that I gave up attempting suicide because I clearly suck at it lol). I have written countless suicide notes, discussed it with close friends and ex-partners, so I truly do understand what it's like to be in the mindset that you're in.

Having said that though, due to the sensitive nature of this forum, and that some people who read these threads are in very vulnerable states, we do not allow discussion of suicide methods, and we cannot in any way condone or encourage your act of suicide as that is actually illegal.

We CAN however discuss how you're feeling, your suicidal thoughts, what has lead you to this point, and give advice on what to do from here. I hope that in this moment as you are reading this, that you are feeling okay <3
Click to expand...
Hi mate,
yeah i get it.
don't want to upset the fragile balance or rock anyone's boat..


i'll keep looking, just have to be a bit creative. dunno really..
i am a bit better though.
thanks for the kind words.

love

​

​

 
I'm 65, retired, and just waiting to die. I'm not suicidal, but I have absolutely 0 motivation or energy to do anything anymore. It's a struggle just to get out of bed. I'm still healthy, but I wish I could catch something and I go quietly in my sleep before I hit 66. Males in my family have all died young. I don't know why I'm still here. I fear living to a ripe old age.

I used to have a great job I liked a lot and made good money. I used to play guitar all day long, record stuff and publish it to Soundcloud. I used to take my guitar and portable amp, drive around to random spots, play out the back of my car and have people gather round to listen, or go to the local synagog when empty and dig on the big hall resonance. I used to read books. I used to play computer games. It's been at least a year or more since I've done any of that stuff.

My typical day:

Wake up at 8:00am.
Make a coffee and go back to bed.
Stare off into space for a few hours and maybe read some Bluelight or Reddit.
Get up and make the bed.
Vacuum the house.
Take a shower (maybe).
Walk the dog.
Back to bed and stream some news, Netflix, Hulu or Amazon Video with the wife. 4-5 hrs.
Brush teeth.
Back to bed with more streaming. 2-3 hrs.
9:00 - 10;00 PM take my night meds (mostly for sleep) and try to sleep. Probably toss and turn a few hours and maybe read some more Bluelight or Reddit.
Finally fall into a fitful sleep.
Rinse & Repeat. (Oh, every other week change the sheets and launder them to mix things up.)

I tried adding some zest by using my DOC PCP. But I've just been going into blackouts and doing crazy shit, finally culminating in a blackout this past week where I slapped and kicked my wife. She called the cops (maybe an overreaction, but she was getting sick of my craziness so I don't blame her) and I had a lovely time in county jail a few days. Dumped all the drugs and I got a court date to look forward to next month. I got my drivers license suspended a year ago (I've been hospitalized. Blackouts again. My wife called the ambulance when she didn't know what was going on. DMV got wind and judged me a too risky to drive for medical reasons) and its looking like I may not ever get it back.

I don't know WTF happened to me. I'm not self-pitying. It's a semi-comfortable existence, but it's pretty fucking hollow and sad. Getting old sucks. It really does.

EDIT: Oh another fun thing. 2016 my wife calls the cops because I'm acting manic on my RC chems (this one I'm kind of pissed about because she could have talked to me 1st and I would have toned it down). They show up and I hand over all my RC chems. Stupid me. I should have said what chems? and get a warrant. Acting manic isn't against the law. A month goes by. As I'm taking out the trash, I get pushed up against a car and cuffed. 5-6 cars descend on the house and like 15 DEA agents, sheriff deputies and local police get out. They toss the house. It dawns on me. These morons think the RC chems are precursors and I'm running a lab! Nothing comes of it. My neighbors must love me.
 
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@sedgewick1 ...I'm 63 and also retired. Worked all my life and I also have to fill my free time. At first I loved it. The stress was gone, no more punching the time clock, no more trying to make it to work on slick roads in the dark ( afraid I would hit the deer ) no more shitty bosses and shitty co-workers. Then the laziness set in. One day I just decided to make this the best years of my life ( whatever I had left ) so I got up, found hobbies and tried to occupy my days with meaning. Started walking my dog more often, made an account here, planted a garden...and so on. Winter is here now so there is more time in the house but I can live with that now. I sit on my butt a bit more when it's cold outside but never get in bed. The bed is a trap for folks like us. Try as hard as you can to not look at your age as a negative. You made it this far...try really hard to just start engaging more with whatever can occupy your time and make you feel less depressed. Wanna hook up? jk jk :Mario party:
 
sedgewick1 said:
As I'm taking out the trash, I get pushed up against a car and cuffed. 5-6 cars descend on the house and like 15 DEA agents, sheriff deputies and local police get out. They toss the house. It dawns on me. These morons think the RC chems are precursors and I'm running a lab! Nothing comes of it. My neighbors must love me.
Click to expand...
Nothing boring or mundane about that let's be honest! :ROFLMAO:
 
Just wanna post to everyone in here I've always been a bouncy hyper happy person but I have hit some real had bumps when it comes to depression especially bad was one I had this year it became more intense in waves to then it would be back to feeling shit but being able to manage it sucks ass but after getting some of my shit together I don't know if that has anything to do with it but it's seems to have gone away completely after like 5-6 months... So just remember it does pass even if it don't feel like it ever will I didn't think my last flare up would I was starting to lose hope and then considering stupid things I think if you make it to 25 and past your good because when you get past that age on average you seem to cope better with suicidal thoughts, depression etc statistically your most likely to commit suicide in your early twenties I remember reading it in an article and when I did so many things clicked in place in my brain and seemed to make sense..
 
Ganjcat said:
Just wanna post to everyone in here I've always been a bouncy hyper happy person but I have hit some real had bumps when it comes to depression especially bad was one I had this year it became more intense in waves to then it would be back to feeling shit but being able to manage it sucks ass but after getting some of my shit together I don't know if that has anything to do with it but it's seems to have gone away completely after like 5-6 months... So just remember it does pass even if it don't feel like it ever will I didn't think my last flare up would I was starting to lose hope and then considering stupid things I think if you make it to 25 and past your good because when you get past that age on average you seem to cope better with suicidal thoughts, depression etc statistically your most likely to commit suicide in your early twenties I remember reading it in an article and when I did so many things clicked in place in my brain and seemed to make sense..
Click to expand...
Nearly 50 feel like 90.Guess many ailments,but not visit doctor(except for script).Too mental unstable to hear some scary diagnose.A nearly month was ok,but this bad feelings starts again.May be hit the ceiling with bupe?I dont know.When this bad things hits me no drug can help me.Alcohol dulls the shit to some point.May be I am somebody else.Dont understand very well threads that used to read in BL.....not only about the language skills..not sure in anything.dont know even why write this.may be ill a little bit.Think about death regularly.Pre-X mass depression.Wish you all the best
 
Pumpkin2021 said:
@sedgewick1 ...I'm 63 and also retired. Worked all my life and I also have to fill my free time. At first I loved it. The stress was gone, no more punching the time clock, no more trying to make it to work on slick roads in the dark ( afraid I would hit the deer ) no more shitty bosses and shitty co-workers. Then the laziness set in. One day I just decided to make this the best years of my life ( whatever I had left ) so I got up, found hobbies and tried to occupy my days with meaning. Started walking my dog more often, made an account here, planted a garden...and so on. Winter is here now so there is more time in the house but I can live with that now. I sit on my butt a bit more when it's cold outside but never get in bed. The bed is a trap for folks like us. Try as hard as you can to not look at your age as a negative. You made it this far...try really hard to just start engaging more with whatever can occupy your time and make you feel less depressed. Wanna hook up? jk jk :Mario party:
Click to expand...
I retired in 2015. I was 59 I guess. I was pretty active for a few more years in retirement. Prior to retiring many years back I had a 20 year stretch where I jogged and went to the gym nearly every day . One day I just felt fuck it I don't want to do this anymore. Current malaise, 0 motivation, and just wanting to die has crept in quite gradually. I'm so fucking weak now. Just last week I felt out of breath in the shower just lifting my arms to shampoo my hair. I literally had to hold the wall to catch my breath. I've fallen numerous times getting out of bed and having these weird dizzy spells. My legs start doing these strange back and forth jerking and I collapse. I just see no way out of my current predicament.

This is what I used to be able to do when I first retired. All done on PCP when it was working for me. I recorded it mostly to show and have some record that I wasn't crazy/psychotic/manic to think PCP was a wonderfully creative drug when used responsibly. Makes for decent background music I think.
 
Nas47 said:
.May be hit the ceiling with bupe?
Click to expand...
Yeah, been on it like 15 years and it used to give me a bit of a lift. Suddenly it just stopped and I felt a weird kind of ennui. Hard to describe, but feeling like 90 might be pretty accurate. Eventually found mini-doses of dissociatives helped a lot.
 
Nas47 said:
Nearly 50 feel like 90.Guess many ailments,but not visit doctor(except for script).Too mental unstable to hear some scary diagnose.A nearly month was ok,but this bad feelings starts again.May be hit the ceiling with bupe?I dont know.When this bad things hits me no drug can help me.Alcohol dulls the shit to some point.May be I am somebody else.Dont understand very well threads that used to read in BL.....not only about the language skills..not sure in anything.dont know even why write this.may be ill a little bit.Think about death regularly.Pre-X mass depression.Wish you all the best
Click to expand...
That's one of my fears getting older then one day getting his with another flare up worst than the last one I am surprised I'm even still here honestly the last time I was deep in depression I had suicidal thought everyday and they just got stronger and stronger the more depressed and hopeless I felt I don't know how I made it I really don't but I thank God that I did.. For now..
 
sedgewick1 said:
I retired in 2015. I was 59 I guess. I was pretty active for a few more years in retirement. Prior to retiring many years back I had a 20 year stretch where I jogged and went to the gym nearly every day . One day I just felt fuck it I don't want to do this anymore. Current malaise, 0 motivation, and just wanting to die has crept in quite gradually. I'm so fucking weak now. Just last week I felt out of breath in the shower just lifting my arms to shampoo my hair. I literally had to hold the wall to catch my breath. I've fallen numerous times getting out of bed and having these weird dizzy spells. My legs start doing these strange back and forth jerking and I collapse. I just see no way out of my current predicament.

This is what I used to be able to do when I first retired. All done on PCP when it was working for me. I recorded it mostly to show and have some record that I wasn't crazy/psychotic/manic to think PCP was a wonderfully creative drug when used responsibly. Makes for decent background music I think.
Click to expand...
Wish you sucessful recuration my friend.Seems like PCP and analogues are dangerous stuff.Dissoss not atractive.But this a incredible stories.Wish you all well.Must right a book.
 
user name1 said:
so this last month I had been obsessed with suicide to the point it never leaved my thoughts for a moment, like some kind of suicide OCD if you can call it that.
although i am suicidal I can't shake the knowledge that I don't have the courage or the impulsivity required to pull that off -
until an hour or 2 ago that is, I was shocked that it never even crossed my mind for some reason but I have found the way to go. I am very reluctant as to write what that method is... (is it ok if I will?)
Click to expand...
I never know whether to post on this topic because my take is usually unpalatable.

It's not suicide OCD. I think there are very few (including professionals) that don't quite understand the suicidal mind.

I have a theory developed over the last two years and which I've posted about before but that entire thread got deleted after it ended up in a boxing match.

Somebody who has reached that point and where it's a very real and doable solution all of a sudden has an additional choice in life that others don't. And try as you might: it doesn't go away. In other words: "normal" people if faced with a choice to solve a problem can choose, say, between option 1 and option 2. The suicidal mind always has the third option. And it's ever present. True it may become a self fulfilling prophecy or undermine moving forward.

Also posted before: by rights it should be liberating. And I guess to a certain extent it is. Think about it. You already know the absolute worst that can happen to you because you've already made the decision and have maybe come close to an attempt. In THEORY: that should free you up to do anything you like and that you maybe otherwise would never have even considered doing. Unfortunately it doesn't work in practice for the simple reason that by the time you've reached this point you are so mentally fucked that you couldn't be bothered with anything.

And something else that's perplexed me (although it actually shouldn't by rights);

You eventually start seeing everything very differently from others. When I ride around the neighborhood with others: they'll see the beauty of the mountains or the parks. I'll see trails or bushes or benches and be doing a recce of how visible they are to Joe Public and the surrounding areas (the thought being that if you're going to do this the last thing you want is to be stopped or interrupted).

So I dunno if this is of any help. All I'm saying to you is that you're not alone and have not "developed" some condition. It's a monkey on your back that once it's there it's very difficult to rid yourself of and takes some mental gymnastics to put it in the back of your mind. It's in no way different from addiction or a habit. Now there's an interesting take on the issue and possibly worthy of some research and a published peer reviewed paper! Not unlike a Cocaine "habit" i.e. no physical addiction or dependence but that psychological monkey on your back addiction? That type of thing.

And as I posted on another thread somewhere around these parts very recently: once you get into the nuts and bolts of a method and read about others that have tried and failed or even read about others that have tried an succeeded it gets pretty real. Sometimes too real. And can act as a deterrent in and of itself. And you also gotta be real careful when researching this shit i.e. there's a bunch of misinformation out there (like everything else I suppose). And oddly enough ESPECIALLY when it comes to attempting to use narcotics or pharmaceuticals. That is shit that's been fueled by sensationalist media. And the problem is that a botched attempt can for real cause permanent damage. How many people that thought they had things shit in life would be happy ending up losing mobility (stroke) as a result of a botched attempt?

One of my few philosophical posts (very uplifting shit this ain't it). :ROFLMAO:
 
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dalpat077 said:
I never know whether to post on this topic because my take is usually unpalatable.

It's not suicide OCD. I think there are very few (including professionals) that don't quite understand the suicidal mind.

I have a theory developed over the last two years and which I've posted about before but that entire thread got deleted after it ended up in a boxing match.

Somebody who has reached that point and where it's a very real and doable solution all of a sudden has an additional choice in life that others don't. And try as you might: it doesn't go away. In other words: "normal" people if faced with a choice to solve a problem can choose, say, between option 1 and option 2. The suicidal mind always has the third option. And it's ever present. True it may become a self fulfilling prophecy or undermine moving forward.

Also posted before: by rights it should be liberating. And I guess to a certain extent it is. Think about it. You already know the absolute worst that can happen to you because you've already made the decision and have maybe come close to an attempt. In THEORY: that should free you up to do anything you like and that you maybe otherwise would never have even considered doing. Unfortunately it doesn't work in practice for the simple reason that by the time you've reached this point you are so mentally fucked that you couldn't be bothered with anything.

And something else that's perplexed me (although it actually shouldn't by rights);

You eventually start seeing everything very differently from others. When I ride around the neighborhood with others: they'll see the beauty of the mountains or the parks. I'll see trails or bushes or benches and be doing a recce of how visible they are to Joe Public and the surrounding areas (the thought being that if you're going to do this the last thing you want is to be stopped or interrupted).

So I dunno if this is of any help. All I'm saying to you is that you're not alone and have not "developed" some condition. It's a monkey on your back that once it's there it's very difficult to rid yourself of and takes some mental gymnastics to put it in the back of your mind. It's in no way different from addiction or a habit. Now there's an interesting take on the issue and possibly worthy of some research and a published peer reviewed paper! Not unlike a Cocaine "habit" i.e. no physical addiction or dependence but that psychological monkey on your back addiction? That type of thing.

And as I posted on another thread somewhere around these parts very recently: once you get into the nuts and bolts of a method and read about others that have tried and failed or even read about others that have tried an succeeded it gets pretty real. Sometimes too real. And can act as a deterrent in and of itself. And you also gotta be real careful when researching this shit i.e. there's a bunch of misinformation out there (like everything else I suppose). And oddly enough ESPECIALLY when it comes to attempting to use narcotics or pharmaceuticals. That is shit that's been fueled by sensationalist media. And the problem is that a botched attempt can for real cause permanent damage. How many people that thought they had things shit in life would be happy ending up losing mobility (stroke) as a result of a botched attempt?

One of my few philosophical posts (very uplifting shit this ain't it). :ROFLMAO:
Click to expand...
hey dalpa,
thank you for your brilliant insight.

as i read your words i felt as though i could've write it myself though not nearly as eloquent (forgive me but i'm not sure if eloquent is just f or the verbal words or for the written as well, anyway i meant it) .
it's so weird as i just been chatting with a friend on the issue of having this powerful "third option" (BTW third option is really a great euphemism or code for you know what :) ). i must admit that it made me feel real good reading your stuff, nodding my head in confirmation as i read - and although every time someone tell me that i'm not alone it makes me shudder and feel so much lonelier and alienated, for some reason it positively didn't this time - it made me feel actually less alone and i think it did because i felt the sincerity behind your words so i guess there's always a first!

much love,
jona
 
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