Yay another recovery diary

Well I thought things would go differently for me because I did a 4th step and got everything down on paper and out of my head and idk what I thought would be so better: I still pick my skin and feign lol. But... I'm already over this bender and of course I hope it's the last one ever but also like yeah I'm trying not to be so hard on myself like I know how fucking hard it is for me to make it to a month for some reason. It's been like this since I started trying to get clean in 2017 I got like a month or two so many times and then each time I went back out. Like... I hate the mind change... Like this next month or so I know that I'm gonna do some good in my life right like I'm probably gonna get a job, be on top of doctors appointments, etc, but then I know about 30 days hits and I literally will have a change of mind where I'm like "a little dope is fine" or "just one or two nights and I'll go back to sobriety" like no that's stupid and fucked up like... I want to be mad at myself but like... The whole thing is is that after a month passes I play it down in my own mind, I romanticize it, and I go back out and now I like almost have an addiction to the pattern of relapse itself.
Like it's so easy to sit after a relapse and say you never want to use again but the reality is things are so much different and I hope by being honest with myself about how yes indeed there is a part of me that likes using that I can get over that feeling but I feel like I have been honest? I realize the next thing might be that I haven't given my addiction enough time and pain but like straight up fuck that like dear God I've been through enough and that's the thing like I can't just do drugs without having drama attached like that's just how the meth world is and it's certainly a world I don't belong in, like I recognize that I deserve better than that and that's fuckin huge because for the longest time I had such a toxic shame and worthlessness that made me feel never good enough for nothing but I know now that I don't deserve THAT world of meth, the shady ass friends, the lying cheating stealing, all the unsaid expectations, the eventual early death I deserve better. And yes there are certain things about the dope that I like but as it currently is the bad outweighs the good by such a Longshot but I keep fucking going back. Anyways I'm glad to be over this bender and I'm gonna have some good quality clean time this go around I just feel it in my blood lol
Speaking of blood lol
So pumpkin you asked how am I paying bills? And BTW you're completely fine to ask anything it doesn't bother me at all just be careful asking things you don't want answers to 😂
But my rent, electric, and water is paid for by a support group for people with HIV. But they can only help for 3 months in a year so I got help with July and August and now September so that's my 3 months right there until July of next year and I'm pretty freaked out about it I mean I have a plan through a different organization but they require an eviction letter before they will pay. And like I really fucking hate being late like I feel like I would probably get more leniency if I make all payments on time but man... Yeah idk I just gotta take it a day at a time and do my very very best about not getting overwhelmed and saying fuck it and going and getting high. Like there are very many answers for me for how I can deal with these problems and using it not one of them.

Anyways yeah love you guys thanks for supporting you guts are amazing.
I think I'm going to start my fifth step in here tomorrow.

Shelby 9/4/21 5:36pm
 
Hey guys I wanted to check in and let you know I'm doing ok. I was so fucking gacked last night like here was my night last night:
-check grindr
-check Adam4adam
-check scruff
-porn hub
-newtumblr porn
Repeat. And you'd think that like... That list would take a hot minute but nah I switched every five Goddamn seconds.
Then about 6 am started the paranoia which idk about y'all but my paranoias are always off the fucking wall rediculous and they're also really fucking intense like why would I worry about my neighbor breaking in my house to see if I was OK he's a 70-someyhing year old man he's not breaking into anywhere he can barely stand up without falling over. But no I was INTENSLY paranoid that he was, at any moment, just gonna pop right in, somehow know I was high, and was gonna make fun of me and call the cops. NONE OF THAT MAKES SENSE. I mean I'm kinda grateful for the intense paranoia I truly feel like it has kept me out of trouble in a couple situations but then like how many times does it take to go from someone looking out the window at night to take in the beauty of the moon to a tweaker worried about tree people like what is the like 3? 4? Haha. I truly believe that you can be so paranoid that you become literally the thing you were trying to avoid.
Also I'm feeling like a total fucking dick cause last night my dog needed to go potty and all I had to do was tie him up and let him outside and I literally put off the dude for like 3 hours before I finally did it because I was THAT amount of worried that someone was gonna walk in my door and judge the gay porn I was watching.
Oh well... I'm glad I'm out of shit. I literally looked for like 3 hours today all over the floor to find little tiny dust specks of droppings and I did that in a line just a little bit ago. It barely burned and I'm pretty sure not in the way it was supposed to.
Oh and I literally picked the skin off my nose to the point of seeing the skin underneath and all the blood and stuff. It was fucking grusome. Turns out that the olanzapine doesn't work as well as I thought it would, I took like 5 this morning and still struggled like maybe the only difference was I just peeled the skin off of my nose as before it was the whole face
🤷
Like I know how like non chalant I'm being about a relapse after ACA'ing rehab like I feel like I should have stayed on track but it's so weird because I'm not like mad in the way I feel I should be because I have a different perspective on my addiction. Like to me my addiction is like a zoo animal... Kinda big kinda scary... I'll have it for the rest of my life. But if I don't feed it it'll be less big and scary but if I do feed it, it gets bigger and scarier so like... Right now I'm feeding my addiction and what that means to me right now is that I have to go through a comedown and NOT go use again and that's fuckin hard man I wanna sale my nice ass tablet for some dope but then my comedown would be even way harder and I would miss my tablet. So... I'll keep it for a day when I feel the need to fuck my life up even harder.

Sorry I didn't get to a fifth step today I really am planning that I promise.

I love you guys. Thank you so much for the wonderful support you guys give me like y'all are my people and I'm so grateful to have you in my life.

Also... If you guys have Facebook you can add me, I really don't mind. There is always room for growth and support and love in my circle.

My Facebook (if this isn't allowed tell me and I'll take the link down)

I'll talk to you guys later ❤️

Shelby 9/4/21 11:38pm
 
Hey guys just checking in, I'm doing ok I've done 2 job apps today going to try to do a 3rd. Tomorrow I'm going to talk to my internet provider and see if they'll let me pay way way late like I'm literally 2 months behind and I've not paid anything idk how my internet is still on tbh but I'm going to see if I can't go for that job that I couldn't do the drug test because I didn't have my ID well now I have an ID I just have to wait now till like Wednesday and then I still have to do a detox because I smoked a little weed too which of course I wasn't thinking about a drug test when I smoked it I was thinking about the anxiety that I didn't want to have from all the dope lol. I really have to find a job y'all I'm stressed. Like I get it that there's places like McDonald's and whatnot but I so suck at fast food jobs. I mean if it comes down to it I'll do it just to have a job and not get evicted and homeless again but man that would suck to have to work there. Actually... Typing it out I'm not sure why I have such a thing against McDonald's in peticular like maybe I should apply there just because I'm sick of my own bullshit lol... Fuck.
Shelby 9/5/21 12:42pm
 
slw0363 said:
Hey guys just checking in, I'm doing ok I've done 2 job apps today going to try to do a 3rd. Tomorrow I'm going to talk to my internet provider and see if they'll let me pay way way late like I'm literally 2 months behind and I've not paid anything idk how my internet is still on tbh but I'm going to see if I can't go for that job that I couldn't do the drug test because I didn't have my ID well now I have an ID I just have to wait now till like Wednesday and then I still have to do a detox because I smoked a little weed too which of course I wasn't thinking about a drug test when I smoked it I was thinking about the anxiety that I didn't want to have from all the dope lol. I really have to find a job y'all I'm stressed. Like I get it that there's places like McDonald's and whatnot but I so suck at fast food jobs. I mean if it comes down to it I'll do it just to have a job and not get evicted and homeless again but man that would suck to have to work there. Actually... Typing it out I'm not sure why I have such a thing against McDonald's in peticular like maybe I should apply there just because I'm sick of my own bullshit lol... Fuck.
Shelby 9/5/21 12:42pm
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I can understand why you might have an aversion to working fast food . It isn't the greatest job in the world but it's a job. And most of are paying much better than 5 years ago. Try it for awhile and you can always be looking for something else while you bring home a paycheck from them. I'm going to be very honest with you. Your recovery is not going well at all. You aren't making any progress. Read the last 6 or 7 pages you wrote. I mean really go back and read them. See the downhill pattern? See how you are justifying all your actions?

Your last post you said that you got your utilities paid by the HIV group. I get it, you bought meth, but now you are in the exact same position you were in 8 pages ago. Aren't you tired of the hamster wheel yet? Do you always want to be running behind the bus instead of driving it man. You gotta snap out of it or this recovery diary will be nothing but dust in the wind. Youre already talking about pawning your tablet. Your only communication to the outside world? Guess you won't need internet.. Quit getting paranoid and letting your loving dog suffer cause she can't pee because her dad is afraid to go outside. Get back out in the real world and start living because all you are doing right now is dying. I have read and heart-ed all of your posts because I want to believe in what people write and say. I want to believe you can get better. All I see right now is you making excuse after excuse to use. And that makes me sad.
 
Wait what. I'm not high right now and I don't have any. I said I want to trade my tablet for some dope (I'm typing to you on my phone right now) because I was feigning. I also didn't buy the dope. The friends that came by that I talked about the other day gave me dope (I knew it would be like that, but I also prepared myself for the comedown and promised myself not to trade anything like my tablet just because I was feigning). To me, at least, I'm doing actually OK. I get where you're like "oh you were high not that long ago you're not doing well at all" like I used to be that way too but that type of thinking fucked me up so goddamn hard because it led me into a trap of feeling shame all the time. For me, my recovery is more about every single action I've taken as a whole at any given point in time. So let's take a quick summary of what I've done, good or bad, and let's calculate how I'm doing:
Bad:
-haven't taken my wellbutrin
-took 5 olanzapines
-smoked weed
-smoked dope
-was a prick to my dog
-ignored neighbors
-ignored my dad
Good:
-being honest on here
-still writing
-did 2 job apps and going to do an app for McDonald's because why the hell not
--didn't trade my tablet
-didn't get more drugs
-slept
-ate

Like ok yes the bad outweighs the good by a little bit but the most important good thing I can do for myself is not using even though I feel like pawing my tablet or trading my tv or my friends bike for dope like to me those are normal ass coming down feelings like I recognize that I'm just gonna have to feel those feelings and get over them and if I want to not feel those feelings even harder then I will just have to feel them now instead of harder later.

Im really not doing bad. I'm doing ok. Am I happy I got high? No. But I'm not gonna sit and pitty myself over it if I have 20 or 30 good days and then 1 or 2 bad because for some reason that's just how my fucking life is right now then I'm cool with that. I would LOVE to have 0 bad days but let's be real about addiction like I can tell you right now that I'm in pain and feel shitty about myself that I'm not gonna use. But am I gonna look back at this and remind myself how shitty I felt when I have that friend that stops by again or when I finally get the one fucking urge that sends me over the cliff? I hope I look at this I fucking seriously do.

Until then I will be as completely honest as I can here and sometimes in all honesty I wanna fucking get high that's just how it is and trust me if I could have any other thought than that I would but sometimes on certain days it's all you think about. Not everyday anymore. But somedays. And that's just how it is. I hate it too. But I'm on this ride, it's not the smoothest ride ever but buckle up buttercup because we're in it together lol
Shelby 9/5/21 1:30pm
 
Look I can't say that I have all the answers hell I look back on the first page of this diary and think about how much I've changed and I think about how much I'm going to change in another 11 or 22 pages. Like I am aware that there are times I justify my addiction. But as long as I'm honest and keep an open mind and try to be as aware as I can, hopefully I will make some progress. In the previous entry I caught myself justifying my addiction some and changed my train of thought. That's all I'm trying to do here is clarify my thoughts and change my thoughts to a clearer healthier way that's it. That has no business in my relapses or my shame in my relapses. If I relapse I relapse I will do my best outside of here to get as sober as I can as fast as I can always and I will use harm reduction to make any relapse I do have as non harmful as possible but on here I will always be honest down to my very thoughts as I have them so I can try to see if I'm being a dumbass or not haha. And thank you sometimes I need it pointed out to me if I'm being a dumbass but chances are I know that I'm being a dumbass like I wasn't smoking the dope being all like "you know this is a good idea" like I was smoking dope thinking "wow this is fucking dumb my mind is racing and I hate myself more than I remember" but I know it's part of it like all of this is my addiction story and some of it fucking sucks like I'd rather be at the part in my story where I'm fuckin rich and have a good job and happy family and a Shelby mustang car but to get there we gotta go through the bad parts and dear God I hope this is the worst bad part I have like I really do hope that this is it but if it's not then I'm gonna write and if it is then I'm gonna write.
Writing all that wore me out I think I need a nap 😴
Shelby 9/5/21 1:45pm
 
Man you can do it, you in the u.s? I stopped it, 10 years i.V heroine mainly crack and meth too. Ill be an Accountant this December..


You straight or gay? For me it took a women the prospect of a family what I always wanted. Met her via tinder, paying for Gold, and using youtube videos classes to know if a Pinay( filipino) loves you or is chasing gold or a green card.



No heroin no needles. The second the pandemic lets me go, I let go with it. Ill be moving there the second I can one covid fucks off and I' marry her with my non quota visa.


What do you want that would make you stop.

Id saY chase it in the midst of a relapse only if your honest with it. Do you want this life more or is the drug the Pinnacle.

I see her face on video and I know every night. I'm not honest I lie for feelings sake but if you know what you want go for it harder then you'd look for dope with 100 bucks In your pocket with 0 to do
 
So... Just checking in... I'm doing ok. Not high. Sleeping a lot. Feeling very depressed and lonely tbh. Like... I saw where KISS is coming to tulsa right and like something like that would be SO COOL to go see right but then like... It's just me. I don't have anybody to go and enjoy that with? I guess maybe what I should be really asking myself is why do I feel like my experiences need to be shared to be valid? Maybe I should just go alone because I want to go idk. Then there's the money aspect of it, right, like I don't have a job so how am I going to pay for a ticket if I don't have money lol. Idk man... Ugh. I didn't apply to McDonald's like I said I was going to I really don't want to work there. I should apply I need to apply if I know what's good for me.
Ugh
Shelby 9/6/21 6:46pm
 
slw0363 said:
So... Just checking in... I'm doing ok. Not high. Sleeping a lot. Feeling very depressed and lonely tbh. Like... I saw where KISS is coming to tulsa right and like something like that would be SO COOL to go see right but then like... It's just me. I don't have anybody to go and enjoy that with? I guess maybe what I should be really asking myself is why do I feel like my experiences need to be shared to be valid? Maybe I should just go alone because I want to go idk. Then there's the money aspect of it, right, like I don't have a job so how am I going to pay for a ticket if I don't have money lol. Idk man... Ugh. I didn't apply to McDonald's like I said I was going to I really don't want to work there. I should apply I need to apply if I know what's good for me.
Ugh
Shelby 9/6/21 6:46pm
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If I was hard on you on my last post I meant to be. However, it was not my intention to hurt your feelings. So if I did, I apologize ( only for the feelings part ) , but I'm not sorry for the content of the post.

I have worked at Mickey D's twice in my life. Once when I was much younger and once when I was much older. Both times I needed a job and some money and both times it worked. I only stayed long enough ( both times ) to get something better. I'm not the only one on here I bet that has had to take a job we didn't like in order to survive. What makes you any different? A jobs a job. And like you said, the HIV group is going to stop paying your bills next month so why wait any longer ? You could afford a KISS concert ticket and you could start catching up on your overdue bills. Win Win.

When you start wanting to get ahead more than you like getting high you will start to look at things differently. Maybe this week something good will happen to you if you put yourself out there. I know it's a big bad world out there and it scares more people than you, but your clock is ticking and you yourself said that if you didn't do something this week you were going to be homeless. I suppose you could live with the old man you live next door to but is that what you want. Don't you want to keep your OWN place?

Really hope that something breaks for you soon. Be a damn shame to have these 11 pages go silent because you are on the streets and someone steals your phone. 💙
 
Hey guys just checking in I'm doing ok. Sober. Tired. Sleeping a lot. One of my neighbors says she's going to hook me up with a job today at braums which is fine. I mean I've always sucked at the fast food thing which stresses me out but I mean... It's a job.
I've been in a depressive funk. Which sucks because I have like no energy I know once my brain chemistry gets semi back to normal I'll be ok but like I don't even have energy to check about this note that was on my door saying I had 5 days to make a $700 payment. I'm not even sure why they think I still owe $700 because in rehab I called the hiv place and told them to send off for my last month of rent help that I can ask for until July of next year and idk if they didn't do that or what but I'm probably going to give myself this day and then tomorrow I will call and make sure everything is OK.
Also I'm an 8th Cherokee and because of that, I'm supposed to have a $2,000 stimulus check coming my way. I did the application for it the day before yesterday. That's going to help out a lot. I kinda wanted to put $1,000 down on a car so that way my ability to get a job in the Tulsa metro opens up, but I also am supposed to owe $500 for a pet deposit on my apartment that I never paid.
I'm just real stressed out about all of it but if I stay sober I know a lot of it will just kinda naturally work itself out with minimal effort but if I'm out getting high then I'm not going to do any of that minimal effort and it's all going to build and become overwhelming again.
Ugh
Shelby 9/8/21 1:01pm
 
Congrats on the job. I hope it works out for you. It's a good start to get where you want to be. Might take you a bit to get back on your feet but you'll get there if you keep your eye on the prize.
 
Hi guys. How's it going? Y'all... So... I'm pretty fucked up rn not even gonna lie y'all right my recovery is terrible I'm gonna be so goddamn honest right now my recovery doesn't feel normal like idk why I know this but the things I see work for other people so well don't work for me. And I yearn to just be a normal ass person who understand NA and can do steps and get recovered but for some reason I'm faking it super goddamn hard every time I walk into an NA meeting like I don't get it and I have this outlook that like I might not ever get it or that NA is below me and it fucks me up and I don't know how to make it be "for me" like I just want to fucking get how to recover. The worst fucking part is I don't even know why I keep getting high like... Because I don't have anything to do partly but I have no good support system I mean I'm building one or trying to and I'm just bored all the time like... A job will help but I'm so upset that all of this has just been me winging all of this so hard. Like do not get me wrong I will get sober again and I will work on my recovery more because I refuse to die an addict. Or well... I mean I refuse to die not trying. Like I am making progress. I am. I just wish my progress included learning how to not use as well as learn about myself spiritually like I really want to be done I don't want my whole fucking sex life to hang onto using like I am 26 I should be in the prime of my life right now sexually but my sex drive relies on a needle and I fucking hate that man.

I been feeling like time is ticking down for me over the last couple years and today someone pointed out how fucking massive my thyroid was. My mom has Graves disease. Like this is the last symptom honestly that just makes all of it make sense: my consistently swollen lymph nodes (last year), weird enlarged liver feeling, 3 years ago I had a dry cough that nobody could explain and it mysteriously disappeared last year, my body temp is always 6,000 degrees above everybody else's, it has felt over the last year or so that my muscles have been diminishing like they're kinda "goopy" compared to what they used to be, when I get high anymore my lymph nodes on the side of my fast swell and I get these weird black dots on my face that don't pop but like... Idk how to explain them they're super weird.

I also had it pointed out to me that I might have damaged my hypothalamus somehow which makes sense to me too.

I have such a hard time telling between if I'm having hypothalamus or adrenal gland or thyroid problems or all three.

Like... My body has felt so off for the last almost 2 years now and I thought it was the hiv but like no other person with hiv that I know has these problems. And like... The worst part is that the doctors aren't really going to treat anything if I'm using and I literally don't know how to stop using. I'm so frustrated with myself and I'm so sad I literally don't want to be the dude that buries himself because he can't stop but y'all... I'm going to be that way if I don't figure out something soon. I have to quit. I have to. How do I make that official?
Shelby 9/11/21 2:17am
 
slw0363 said:
And I yearn to just be a normal ass person who understand NA and can do steps and get recovered but for some reason I'm faking it super goddamn hard every time I walk into an NA meeting like I don't get it and I have this outlook that like I might not ever get it or that NA is below me and it fucks me up and I don't know how to make it be "for me" like I just want to fucking get how to recover.
Click to expand...
Dude, literally everybody feels that way about AA/NA at first. It doesn't feel right, you don't want to be there, you're nervous, it can't possibly work for you, and all that, etc.

Just keep doing the work and listen to what people tell you. It does work if you do the work. There is plenty proof of that if you look around and go into it with an open mind.
 
Guys... I feel so sad like I know my brain chemistry is way off but like... I just... I don't know. By the time you figure out you want out it's literally harder than shit to get out. And like... That's why this shit is so goddamn hard because it's easier to stay the same and die that way than it is to change. And I'm feeling that. And you see, I've never been one to do the more difficult thing like if I could always take the easier road, even if it looked like I was doing work, I would always take that road. And then there's the problem of not knowing what my own self worth is like... It's one thing I would imagine when you don't feel good enough to be better but what if you don't know what that type of self worth is period? Like... I have never put myself first, other than manipulating to get what I want. Thinking about it, maybe I was just born self destructive like that like maybe I wasn't put on earth to feel worth. My mom certainly didn't feel that, I inherited that for sure. I think her worth always laid in me. I wonder how she's doing. I miss her.
Like... I have no self worth to the point that I pick for hours and can't stop like I try to think "I'm not worth dying because I can't stop picking" but like I can't stop still like I'll continue for another 2 or 3 hours after I first try to pry myself away from the mirror and then I have to hide in my house because my face is all fucked up. I literally don't talk to anybody.
I wonder what methamphetine physical dependence looks like. I've heard that it exists.
Yesterday I met someone who is very much still in pre contemplation phase but he was hella smart and he reminded me of me and it's hard to have a conversation with someone who isn't tired of all of it because it's like "ok but when you get sick of all of it and you will" but like of course they don't want to hear that because they're not tired of the bullshit yet but like yeah... I wonder how many people felt that way about me especially even just a couple years ago. I'm sure a lot. I'm sure even sometimes still even though I AM sick of all the bullshit.

I feel like such a burnout. I'm not even like a cute burnout like there's like went to prison and is a fellon with tattoos burnout and then there's like cute white boy who's jaded burnout and I mark the jaded box but that's it. If I'd stop tearing chunks of flesh off my skin I'd probably be a little cuter.

Idk guys... I hate getting high. I hate having to ignore friends or tell them they can't hang around because I'm trying to get clean. I hate having health problems and not knowing what they are. I hate not being able to quit despite knowing that I'll get treated differently by doctors (although I will say my doctor is actually pretty cool, I need to remember that more often and go visit her, but I have such a hard time making appointments and it takes a whole goddamn day by bus like I have to set aside a whole day of physical energy just to go to the doctor because I don't have a car)

.....
I miss my mom.
I hope she's ok.
I hope my grandma is ok.
...
I want to keep typing but idk what else to say... I'm tired again despite having taken a nap earlier.

Like it's crazy because for the last year I thought I was getting isopropylbenzylamine instead of dope and I had this whole conspiracy inside my head that everybody knew about it but me but like... Idk bro... Maybe my thyroid really is off.

I wonder if I'll get cancer from the amount of dope I've done in my life.

Like that's a genuine concern.

Speaking of cancer... I could really go for a cigarette but man I've not had one in like 2 days. Kinda proud of myself but also idk if smoking meth is anymore healthy.

Ughhhhhhhhhhh

I love you guys. Thank you for being there when I feel super goddamn lonely.

Shelby 9/11 wait wait

I can't believe 20 goddamn years ago all of that happened and you know what I'm talking about but like... Of course what happened was sad it was like the 2nd traumatic event I remember happening as a kid right behind y2k. But like... Wow 20 years fuckin passed fast.

Im fuckin scared I'm gonna blink and I'll be in a nursing home wishing that I did so much more than just be a burnout dope head my whole life... That is if I make it to that age.

I just had a thought but idk... I mean it wouldn't be wise but if I told my friends that come around and smoke dope and get me high that they could maybe bring weed instead...

Idk... Then I'll see them and I'll wanna get high again. That sucks :/

Shelby 9/11/21 5:13pm
 
Like it's crazy how differently they're treated though right like how many times was I told that I can achieve my dreams if I put in the same effort that my friends were putting in. It's crazy how I felt like there was truly something wrong with me because I didn't just "understand" like my friends did. Like that disassociation led me to believe over and over again that I would never be good enough, but God forbid if I put in a little effort, Shelby, it'll all be OK. Well it wasn't ok none of it is ok I felt fucking different my whole goddamn life I've always just faked it to get by, I did it because I had to, I couldn't just comprehend things like normal other kids and I was so frustrated about it like nobody ever sat me down and was like "shelby you might think differently than the other kids" like no it was sending me through school and pretending like how I think won't effect how I live my life well look how well that turned out. A little heads up would have been nice a little "yo Shelby your brain doesn't function like other people's and you're gonna feel a little left out because of it" would have helped like just an acknowledgement that I was going to struggle would have made light-years of a difference for me.
I get stuck on this line of wondering if anybody ever thought I might think differently like was it the mentally handicapped leading the mentally handicapped or did someone somewhere know? Like surely someone knew that I was different but why didn't they recognize it. How many other kids did they fuck up by pretending that everything was normal?

Shelby 9/11/21 6:59pm
 
So my job wants me to be there tomorrow morning at 11. I need to be up about 7 to catch the bus in time to be there. Ugh. My face is so fucked up there's no covering it I fucking hate all of this. I mean I'm glad to finally have a job but honestly it might be my last day tomorrow too if they figure it out. I hope not. I'm so tired and sad and cold why am I cold all of a sudden I'm fucking freezing. Idk. I'm going to sleep. Talk to you guys tomorrow.
Shelby 9/11/21 11:59pm
 
Go in and give them more reasons than not why they need your services and chances are ya will get the job... my hope anyway from experience.
Remember: They need you; you do not need them (dont make this obvious lol ).
Keeps us updated as to how it goes and good luck on the good night sleep. :) It can be hell before in interview.
If the damn thing turns out more of a liability than an asset forget about it you gonna go into the negative with this decision anyway. I know e all need income but hustlin backward is not my thing, ymmv
Any dependents?
One
 
So I don't even feel in my right mind anymore even like idk why I feel the need to tell you though that my case is exceptionally worse because I have no point to base that on other than the feeling of life happening and like my body is going through the motions of living but my actual soul is somewhere else. I would say at times it doesn't feel like I'm in the driver's seat of my own brain and I wish it freaked me out more like I should be telling someone about this but the truth is is that I don't even know how to put what's going on in my own brain into words. It feels like I'm in trouble with my health but my body is just like "fuck it you're gonna die anyways" so it kicks itself to autopilot and takes away my ability to be present in the moment. And then the dope of course doesn't help the being present thing either that's for sure but like... Idk guys... Lately I've been asking myself why I should be fighting for something when I will have to go through the process of death anyways. Like... What is it that I am getting clean for? I don't have kids. Or a family. Nobody that loves me. Like... This should be the part where I'm like "oh yes I'm doing it because I want to" but do I want to? I mean... I'm really not trying to die an early death by heart attack but really what are the other options? A few years later by cancer? A random car crash? What am I buying buy NOT doing meth? A few years of life? A family? Peace?
I don't really feel in control all that much. And the more I see of the world the more I ask myself if it's really all that important that I stay around and fake the feeling of wanting to be clean.
Like... I don't know, guys.
So like... Straight up sometimes I feel like I have like cancer or some shit right like idk why I am so concerned about cancer in peticular but when I'm not picking at my face I'm looking up cancer symptoms and for some reason I got like all 700 warnings of cancer and like.... OK so I think about how dangerous methamphetamine is from a biological/medical standpoint quite a bit right like there's heart failure, stroke, evidently hashimotos disease, then there's like all of the cigarettes I smoked there's all the unprotected sex I've had with literally hundreds of dudes, there's the altering of genetics done by the consistent use of drugs (so like... If smoking cigarettes gives you cancer because it alters DNA then that means that methamphetamine would do the same thing right? Like I would imagine it being on such a grander scale though like how wouldn't it be?) and if you were wondering yes I hold in my smoke and looking back maybe that was a more dangerous option but really who's to distinguish the more dangerous option when doing meth anyways?
It's kinda like how people will actively judge you for shooting meth when they're over there rolling a pipe like it's literally the same goddamn drug. Like that's not to say I would ever start someone on the needle or on meth at all like that's fucked up like anytime I think about letting someone try dope I think about all the anxiety and fucking heartbreak and everything I've went through since I've started and I wouldn't wish that on my worst fucking enemy. And then what if they're lucky enough to be me like what if they can't find theirselves out after I showed them in? Like that would fuck me up I could never start someone on the shit.
I mean... I put a little dope in some dudes drink one time. He literally asked for me to put something in his drink in a sexual sort of way like I don't know what he thought I was going to put in there but I put a couple shards of dope in some Dr pepper and he drank it (I didn't tell him what I put in there and also he didn't see) and I felt so bad plus I didn't want him to be addicted like I was or to end up like that so I told him it was just salt that I put in there. In all honesty I'm glad I didn't tell him what it was.

I'm so hungry. I want like... Mashed potatoes with a little bit of garlic and butter. And fried chicken.

I just.... I don't feel in control anymore and I try to trick myself and tell myself that I feel normal but honestly I don't feel normal high and I don't feel normal sober like I always feel like something is constantly fucking wrong no matter what I do and I'm so sick and tired.

I need to take a shower. Will I? Probably not. I don't even have enough energy to get up and eat.

Shelby 9/12/21 6:28pm
 
Wow like all of these are how I feel.
I mean there's a couple things that don't but this is the closest an article has gotten to pinpointing how I feel in awhile.

www.verywellmind.com

Common Signs of Low Self-Esteem

Signs of low self-esteem can include self-doubt, avoidance, and negative self-talk. Learn what causes these patterns and how to build confidence.
www.verywellmind.com www.verywellmind.com

Shelby 9/12/21 8:39pm
 
I would exercise force yourself to do some cardio no matter how badly you dont want to, and some push-ups. And light exercise dose incredible wonders to depression and anxiety.

I dare you next time your having a bit of anxiety during the day. Do 10 to 20 push-ups, 3 sets, or 3 sets of whatever is a good full set for you. You'll feel lighter, anxiety is gone. Its not a cure but exercise is so important to helping reset your brain chemistry believe it or not.

Try the pushups next time anxiety hits. It helps me drastically. When you dont want to do them they'll have a greater impact when you do actually do the set and really try. Once your done 3mins later anxiety should be dulled or gone :) Critz
 
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