Yay another recovery diary

So... Okay let me write before my anti psychotic kicks in...

So... First off... I had a very pleasant conversation with my father. Like it went really well. He lives on a farm and he showed me his farm animals lol.
He said he was really excited to get to talk to me and I've been doing some reflecting on some shit, most recently I had a MySpace porn profile when I was like fucking 13 (yeah... Whoever let me on the internet that young had no idea what they were doing) and he found it because it had my name and the town I was from on there.

I never replied.

He came to my high school graduation.

Like I should really never say he never tried to be a part of my life... He did I just myself wasn't there. I wasn't there. Not him.

I told him I had been struggling mentally (hinting at my addiction issues) and he told me that there was a point that he also struggled with pain pills. I told him that I was in the process of getting more help but I didn't say what exactly I was struggling with nor did I say exactly rehab but as we get closer I will make sure to fill him in.

Also I never told him that I was gay nor did I say anything about the HIV, but we'll get there. He messaged me back after we talked and told me that he had a nice time talking to me and I should message him back and let him know the feeling is mutual.

Okay... Now to more serious business...
So they think the dog has parvo. As soon as I came in my house I bathed with a little Bleach and put my clothes in a walmart sack away from my dog. I didn't touch the dog but I'm still worried. I remember getting my dog two parvo shots but my "best friend" said dogs are supposed to have 4!?!? What the fuck! And I don't even have money to go get the rest I'm so scared y'all. And then I found out tonight that parvo treatments cost upwards of $3,000 WTF!!!!!!!

Pet care is getting more expensive than human care! I guess there always gotta be someone making money off someone. How sad!!!!

Anyways after I bathed and washed I just had to sit with my dog and pet him and love on him.

I hope he knows I love him. He's such a good boy.

That dude has gotten me through so much shit and he was there when literally nobody was there and he showed me how evil people can be.

The dude showed me to be kind to everybody, and let THEM show you their true colors.

I would just kill over if I lost him. I couldn't lose this dude. Like I'd start selling limbs on the black market just to see this dude live.

Oh well...

I'm grateful for my dog today.

I'm praying for my best friend and I hope that their dog pulls through.

I love you, Butchy ❤️🐕🐶

Shelby 8/6/21 12:07am
 


Here's my boy. Yesterday we went to the park and the dude "looked totally blissed out" according to my addiction counselor friend.
❤️
Shelby 8/6/21 12:12am
 
slw0363 said:
Okay... Now to more serious business...
So they think the dog has parvo. As soon as I came in my house I bathed with a little Bleach and put my clothes in a walmart sack away from my dog. I didn't touch the dog but I'm still worried. I remember getting my dog two parvo shots but my "best friend" said dogs are supposed to have 4!?!? What the fuck! And I don't even have money to go get the rest I'm so scared y'all. And then I found out tonight that parvo treatments cost upwards of $3,000 WTF!!!!!!!
Click to expand...
I've been a vet tech for 18 years. Dogs need a course of 3 parvo vaccinations in a row (4 weeks apart) to get their full immunity from it, and they have to have 1 booster shot every year to keep up immunity. If Butchy hasn't had any shots in a few years he won't have full immunity to parvo. If you didn't actually touch the dog, the risk is low. You were right to change your clothes and bathe asap when you got home and to keep Butchy away.
And yeah it can definitely cost thousands of dollars to treat parvo, depending on how sick the dog is and for how long. The costs are for supportive treatments such as IV fluids, and for hospitalisation fees, as the dog can be in hospital for WEEKS. The bill just goes up and up each day.
Let me know if you have any questions about it <3
 
n3ophy7e said:
I've been a vet tech for 18 years. Dogs need a course of 3 parvo vaccinations in a row (4 weeks apart) to get their full immunity from it, and they have to have 1 booster shot every year to keep up immunity. If Butchy hasn't had any shots in a few years he won't have full immunity to parvo. If you didn't actually touch the dog, the risk is low. You were right to change your clothes and bathe asap when you got home and to keep Butchy away.
And yeah it can definitely cost thousands of dollars to treat parvo, depending on how sick the dog is and for how long. The costs are for supportive treatments such as IV fluids, and for hospitalisation fees, as the dog can be in hospital for WEEKS. The bill just goes up and up each day.
Let me know if you have any questions about it <3
Click to expand...
So last Saturday butch had direct contact with the dog fecal matter and all at which time the dog exhibited no symptoms.

Fuck... He's behind on shots I had no idea parvo was yearly 😞

And he only had 2 parvo shots as a puppy and 2 rabies as a puppy (which the rabies I do know is a yearly thing and I just haven't really done it... Maybe this is my sign to do it because I'm really feeling like a shitty dog dad right now...)

Shelby 8/6/21 12:23am
 
slw0363 said:
So last Saturday butch had direct contact with the dog fecal matter and all at which time the dog exhibited no symptoms.

Fuck... He's behind on shots I had no idea parvo was yearly 😞

And he only had 2 parvo shots as a puppy and 2 rabies as a puppy (which the rabies I do know is a yearly thing and I just haven't really done it... Maybe this is my sign to do it because I'm really feeling like a shitty dog dad right now...)

Shelby 8/6/21 12:23am
Click to expand...
Are they SURE it's parvo or are they just speculating? What symptoms exactly does the dog have?

Oh and don't feel bad if you legit didn't know! :)
 
Okay so update... Fucking weird update but that's just how my fuckin life is these days...

The puppy is almost back to it's normal self.

What the fuck.

I'm feeling the same atmosphere as I did during late night binges. Idk if anybody else got like this but like I would SWEAR UP AND DOWN I was dying of something late at night. I got caught up in it: matching all my symptoms up symptoms I SWORE I had with the mortality rate... I just fucking KNEW I was a gonner. I had everything in the deep blue sea even the sicknesses that only two people in western africa was known to have I FUCKING HAD IT. My heart was holding liquid, my liver had cancer, my brain was inflammed.

On a nightly I swore I had every single one of these conditions.

And then daylight hit.

And it was over.

Only for me to forget what trauma I had put myself just a few hours before and to get high again and do it all over.

I video chatted with my "best friend" today and she showed me the dog. She wasn't up and playing but she was responding really well to being touched and she wasn't throwing up anymore and she was keeping food down.

I guess this is just God's sign for me to make sure I get Butchy vaccinated. Idk how I'm going to with no money, the place that butch is going to temporarily while I go to rehab told me they would take care of shots while he was in their care.

I'm so grateful for them..

HOWEVER....

the rehab here called me just a few minutes ago and asked me "are you ready to come in today?" I wasn't expecting this at all I was prepared for them to be like "ok it'll be a week from now" or something like that but no not at all they were fucking ready today.

But see because I was expecting a date for getting put in treatment instead of ready on the fly I had told the animal place that keeps dogs for people who are going into treatment that I would call back and let them know the date so I called them today and they didn't answer ugh. I'm going to try to call back here in a couple minutes.

I got transportation figured out (either I will take the bus, ask my neighbor, or ask my "best friend")

I got rent and utilities figured out till the end of September.

Ill be getting 7 days worth of clothes together and packed.

I'll get toiletries (soap, toothbrush, toothpaste, deodorant) packed

I'll get my favorite pillow packed.

If there's anything I'm missing please let me know. I certainly feel like there's something I'm missing idk.

Shelby 8/6/21 1:37pm
 
That's great news about the rehab. I had a feeling they were going to want you to come when they called. They have a bed for you and if you don't ( or can't ) take it they will give it to the next guy. That's why i wrote what i wrote yesterday so that you could be ready to go when they called. I really hope this works out for you. You will just need clothes and toiletries so I think you are set. Maybe some good books or magazines. Not really sure what else you might need. They probably have things there for people that need something. Hopefully someone can get your dog for you and you can be on your way. Keep us posted.
 
So I needed a referral for my dog which I have one so we're safe but I had to call about it. Monday they will be ready to come pick him up. I'm so nervous but I also know they're gonna give him all his shots (how relevant) and I can call anytime I want to get an update. She also told me she would send pictures to the staff at the rehab for me to see.

Life just somehow falls in place and works itself out when you're not using and for that... I'm grateful.

Shelby 8/6/21 3:16pm
 
Ok I better write.

So those urges to use are getting way way strong like so badly do I just wanna "do one more before rehab" like no that's fucked up no I do not need to do one more. One more has turned into hundreds more hundreds of times! Not only that but how fuckin cool would that be to have a month of sobriety going into rehab like if I use now I'm going to reset my ability to be there to listen spiritually like what I can now.

I can tell I'm going to be using a lot of "future Shelby will have his mind changed in five minutes" and "this pain is only temporary"

Because the pain IS temporary.

How many times did I use because I kept giving into cravings and urges? Fuckin thousands, I think.

I can do this. I can be sober. I can do this. I can be sober. I WILL be sober. I AM sober.

Deep breath.... Exhale.... Inhale... Exhale...

Things will get better only if I stay sober. They will. I know they will.

Shelby 8/6/21 6:24pm
 
Okay I'm gonna write before my anti psychotics kick in.

I'm really enjoying my psych meds they're making me so noticeably better even my addict counselor said I'm doing better than I've done in years but even before I took my medicine I was already opening up my mind fairly well.

Like I have hella adhd now like I get so frustrated at myself between the PAWS and the ADHD like I went grocery shopping tonight because my food card got reloaded and I got bagels I was super excited about having bagels and cream cheese but I forgot fucking cream cheese but then like on the other hand I didn't write a list and things that aren't written down are just not gonna get done so maybe I should give myself some slack idk.

Another few things on my mind: I don't know if I'll be allowed my phone or internet access in rehab but if I am at all whatsoever I'll make sure I'll post here to let you guys know how I'm doing but fully be prepared for a 28 day span of no entries, but I 100% plan to keep this blog running when I get out. In fact in rehab I'm going to jot down things I've learned every day on paper and then I'll probably upload them here.

Secondly... I've been kinda treading into some interesting waters learning about who I am mentally and recently (well not recently persay but in the last year or so) I've been noticing I have a lot of narcissistic manipulative tendencies like even when I'm nice I'm nice because I want things to go a certain way or when I'm in a conversation with a friend I have a hard time keeping the subject off of me.

I'm grateful that writing is opening up my mind to this but I fucking hate it like I don't want to be a fucking narcissist nor do I want narcissistic tendencies.


Oh my fucking GOD y'all I just killed a huge ass fuckin brown recluse spider usually I sit on my front porch outside and smoke a cigarette and write where there are less destructions and I was writing about how narcissistic I am and I saw that huge spider idk if that's the universe trying to send me a message but I wish it would be more clear about if that's a positive message or not haha EW I fucking hate spiders. Spiders and snakes FUCKIN GROSS.

sorry my spirituality has not gotten far enough to not kill spiders. It's gotten far enough to not kill flies and I don't know if it'll ever get far enough to not kill spiders but I know I'm not there yet haha.

Oh well...

So anyways... Another thing I'm learning about is my mother's own personality flaws which really fucks me up because I really believe she tried her best like I'd say that maybe that's a flaw is having us believe that she was the best even when she wasn't idk... That seems like a level 3 recovery subject and I'm only in level 2 recovery this semester haha.

Jk I need to talk about this shit and I really hope I do get to the bottom of all of this soon. I mean I highly doubt there's just one reason why I use but I hope I figure them out so that way I can change them and become a better person. I really want to try to be better at least.

I think that's all I got for now. Of course this is here if and when I need it if not then I'll talk to you guys tomorrow.

Also side note... Thank you guys so much for your kind interactions y'all don't even know what a huge part you're playing not only in my recovery but my life. I am forever grateful for you guys and bluelight ❤️

Shelby 8/7/21 (thank God it felt like it was the 6th for like 5 days now) 12:43am
 
Okay here's going to be the third post dedicated to my "best friend"

So... After her mom's funeral we just really weren't all that close again. There was a point where she knew that I was doing drugs. I ended up moving back home with my mom after some time.

(OK let's catch up to 2020. My mom had abandoned her house. Covid hit. I had lost my job and there were so many cases for unemployment that it was going to be a couple months till I could get my unemployment)

My "best friend" had told me "hey... Come live with me." (she swears to this day that she said "till I get back on my feet" but I literally don't ever remember having a conversation with her where that wax even said but here we are and I'm still not on my feet so...)

So I pack my car and move in with her. It's a little studio apartment with her girlfriend. I brought my dog and she already had one living there.

I get there and her apartment is fucking gross, her car is fucking gross, she and her girlfriend fight all the time, I saw how she was treating her girlfriend and I thought "man her girlfriend must really be doing something when I'm not looking I really fucking hate her girlfriend too" so I started getting in fights with the girlfriend.

There was a time where I got so far into it that I fuckin lost myself like I couldn't believe everything I was seeing and I even held a knife to the girlfriend I think I can't even barely remember the situation like I just remember a knife being involved.

Like I would clean the apartment for hours with neither of them helping me. Like there were roaches everywhere there was just fucking accumulated dust everywhere. And I saw that my best friend was sad and I was trying to change how dirty things were so hopefully she would be less sad but nobody gave a fuck. Plus of course I was cleaning for me to keep my mind off the drugs.

I was going to "the hardcore" group in my town when I first moved downhere. They're good people but there's a certain level of toxicity with them because you have to do certain things a certain way or you won't clique with them.

I got a sponsor there. He told me that because the girlfriend smoked weed I needed to move out (even though weed had never, even smoking it, been a trigger in my whole life) becuase I might want to smoke a little weed once and then I'd be right back on meth. So I moved to an Oxford house. I fucking hate Oxford houses here because they don't allow animals like I've lived in an Oxford house in Topeka and all they had to do was vote on the dog. But Oxford houses aren't for me plus I was pretty overall happy with living with my best friend especially financially, and just like the Oxford house I lived at before, because I had the world on a string, I purposefully used. I don't know what it is but the more I have to lose the more chance I'll use is like if I had a million dollars waiting on the line if I didn't use for like a month I promise you I'd use but if I can use freely I'll fucking shoot that shit straight haha

So I knew I didn't want to be in Oxford like I fucking hated it and I didn't know why I got talked into it.

So I used and the next day I got my things from Oxford and I went to go sign a lease on an apartment in the same complex as my best friend because one had just opened up and I was getting the $800/week in unemployment.

Well... Off to town in drugs I went... I almost immediately starting partying every goddamn night man I had so much fucking money I couldn't even sit straight. But then I also got fucked over a lot too because meth was hard to find here for a while too. Like hell I remember hearing a ball going for $400 once even during covid.

Then... I met a dude who introduced me to a new drug... GHB.

I fucking LOVED GHB. It felt like I had tried Tina for the very first time again.

Little did I know...

The next day the comedown or the dope idk what it was... Was fucking awful.

I literally thought I was going to die. I thought shit was coming out of my head.
I didn't know what to do but I knew I was done with drugs so I went up to my best friends house and told her and then I lost it like she was doing something I can't remember either coloring or doing diamond paintings or something and listening to music and I just fucking knew I couldn't go to sleep because if I went to sleep I was gonna die but the music was in memorial to me like I remember "daisys" by Katy perry playing, I remember "Cup of Coffee" playing I thought they were playing songs about my funeral.

At this point I wasn't high anymore like a whole day had passed and I was coming down.

These songs were about my death. I was freaking out. I wasn't fucking ready to die yet what do you mean these songs were about my funeral?

I had to figure out why I felt like there was shit coming out of my head like this was just a hardcore hallucination right?

I shaved off all the hair on my head.

There was nothing.

There was nothing coming out of my head. I even pointed to them to my best friend who just told me they were dry patches like dandruff but nothing more.

I knew then I had been hallucinating the whole thing. So I knew she was taking Trazodone for her to go to sleep so I asked if I could have one too. She gave me one. Either I was gonna die like a man or die trying. It took me a few hours after that to fall asleep but I did.

I woke up the next morning to my surprise.

"I'm alive!" "yes you're alive" she said let's get some food... We ate.

But those hallucinations were so strong that night that it sat in my head that I was still going to die until... Well even today I still feel them a little bit but it's just the knowledge I'm going to die it's not really the fear of death like I had solidly for like six months after that.

So... The hallucinations stuck with me to the point where I knew if I went back down to my apartment to live I would surely die.

I started moving things back in with my best friend. I had about half my apartment moved in when she said "shelby.... I don't want you living here." "what do you mean you don't want me living here I don't want me living here either but I'm going to fucking DIE. I'm literally going to kill myself in that apartment"

And then I repeat... verbatim.. What she said to me.

"Shelby... I don't want you living with me. For 23 hours of the day you can visit me, but on the 24th hour you have to live somewhere else"

WTF kinda thing is that to say to someone who just said they're gonna kill themselves if they had to go back.

So... I understood. She didn't want me alive. I didn't want me alive either for a long point but all up from the time I moved in with her till then I was doing things for her but then... It didn't matter.

So I moved what I had back down. I had fully accepted I was going to die and there wasn't a single person who was going to stop me from killing myself. Not even my best friend.

So I did drugs. Lots of lots of drugs.

I got tripped into alternate demensions. My dog was communicating things to me that I didn't know dogs could communicate. The TV was talking to me when I wasn't looking. There were snakes in my apartment. There were people outside my door. There was a group of people who were after me to kill me. I was God. I was Satan. I had cancer. I had every sickness. I had heart failure. I had liver disease.

I remember one time my dog looked me in the eye and if looks could say anything he was saying "I'm so sad because a dog should never have to bury their human but I'm going to have to bury you, dad."

There was a time where he was outside going potty and he just howled for 30 minutes straight like the dude isn't wolf and there wasn't sirens I have no idea what he was howling for.

There's still strange shit I see today but that'll be for another post another time.

So I used drugs and I saw signs until one day the drugs stopped working.

We'll eventually come back to that part but this is how I found out I had HIV was I knew there was something wrong with my body but I couldn't figure it out until I did an at home HIV test..

So I got that cleared up (this was months after the feeling like I was going to die episode... That episode happened in like March of last year I think and I got diagnosed in October I believe)

So I started taking my medicine and then I finally had proof I was dying and I stopped doing drugs so much because they started having adverse reactions. I got a job. I was doing pretty good. I thought the using and because I didn't really pay for anything the first time I lived with my best friend was the reason she didn't want me to live with her like I couldn't for the life of me figure it out...

So I asked her if I could move in again as long as I helped pay rent and buy food and whatnot since I was working a really good job and had the money. She had just quit a job. I told her if I could move in I would help her until she found a new job.

She said yes.

The rent where they live in <$600, in February I paid $1,200 to them and in March I paid $700 to them.

The girlfriend is on disability for her meth induced schizophrenia (she used to do meth but hasn't since she got with my best friend) and also get $900/mo

This was all going fine except they would leave for the girlfriends parents for literally long periods of time like for 4-6 days at a time and this gave me ample opportunity to relapse..

So I did.

I'm pretty sure they had cameras in my room but fuck them bro like when they came back they kept asking me if there was anything that I needed to tell them and I wanted to ask them if there was anything they wanted to tell me.

They told me "we see that you're trying so we're not gonna kick you out" when they were there.

And then...

One day someone ratted me out to the landlord.

Because I didn't pay rent on my apartment that was in the same complex, I was technically evicted.

But because my best friend had lived in the same complex I was technically trespassing

So evidently the landlord told my best friend that I had 3 days to find a new place.

Where the fuck was I supposed to go with my new job?

I did an application for the place I live at now but they weren't going to be available to move in for weeks.

The three days passed and I don't know what they expected me to do. So I grabbed my things and left.
My "best friend" was crying and asking where I was going to go and I told her "well it's out of your hands now"

We had plans to move into a house together (not buy a house but rent this is also why they went to their parents house so often because we were trying to move closer to the parents house) and they left and came back countless times trying to find a house they did this for 3 months always seeming to come up empty while I stayed and went to work.


So the day came where I was supposed to be out. I had already lost my apartment because I was evicted I had no place to go and they knew that...

So I packed a single bag full of treats for butch. My favorite pillow. A charging cord for my phone. And a couple bottles of water...

And I left...

I had another friend that I did dope with in the same apartment complex and he let me stay there for awhile but man... Did I ever feel homeless... That's a sucky fucking feeling. Not because of me... But because my dog didn't deserve that like he deserves a place to call home and I felt like I fucked up for him.

And that was the story about how my best friend kicked me out for the second and final time.

Shelby 8/7/21 1:21pm
 
Im having one of those moments where I know I should write but idk what to write about.

Like it's funny thought because yes in writing things down I can think through them more clearly but sometimes like my last story with my "best friend" I ended up feeling like shit, because yes there were things in that situation that I did that were shitty but like on the other hand I was basically paying for 3 people to eat breathe and live under the same roof while nobody looked for a job nobody cared to look for a job the only job they had was to look for a house for us to live in they had 3 months ample opportunity in a big town like Tulsa and they refused and then they kicked me out and boohoo'd about it like they actually cared. I smoked dope in their house because I saw what was going to happen. Yes she told me not to do it in her house but then she left days at a time when I told her that I really couldn't be trusted like that at that peticular time.

It sucks because I keep having this habit of putting my recovery in other people's hands like even this diary here is hoping to find some answer that didn't come from me and I hate that because consciously I know I have to be the one to fix my addiction but subconsciously I guess I'm the one who doesn't know how.

I feel like there's a lot of subconscious work that needs done like I have a really hard time being able to translate what my subconscious is saying to my conscious. Recently I've been talking a lot to my inner child and making sure he is happy.

Okay... So here's something I just fucking realized. Well something I've been realizing.

I often wonder if I don't have some type of gender dysphoria. Like... I was thinking about my inner child and what my inner child would like to be called and I kinda am feeling like my inner child would rather be hers than his.

Like don't get me wrong nothing changes for now like this is something I seriously need psychotherapy for but um yeah... Fuck...

So like last time I went to rehab (at the place my addict counselor friend works) I asked to have an addict counselor that was a girl because I'm gay and I relate more to girls right like I just do but I almost wonder if that's because I feel like I can manipulate women more.... Idk... Anyways... I was put with the meanest woman (she was lesbian) ever like she was seriously terrible like she made me fucking break down in session because I had broken a rule like it wasn't because I was working through shit or anything it was because she was belittling me because I broke a rule it fucking sucked. Especially seeing the people with less spirituality than me (ok yes I know the judgement here is strong) get better counselors.

So this time I have learned my lesson. I'm just going to shut my mouth and get the counselor I get and if it's a dude I'm going to be honest and tell him that I usually open up better to females but I will absolutely do my best to listen and be honest with him if he promises he can help me.

In other news...

I've really been thinking about taking up trumpet playing again. Like I've not played in like 3 years my breath control is gonna suck especially after how many cigarettes I smoked and I'm gonna be so rusty but it would be so cool to join a community band around here or give private lessons for a side hustle.

It's weird because so much of my life is starting to fall into place and I'm so grateful for that.

Like I bought this sugar skull wood thing at the dollar tree a couple days ago and some paint and I really have enjoyed painting it.

Next I'm going to start working on (probably starting tonight or tomorrow) a diamond art pairing.

I hope I can get back into music.

I hope I can learn more about IT and computer programming and mobile development.

And then there's like 10 million other courses on like coursera that I signed up for.

OH speaking of coursera...

Google granted me a scholarship (it was only like a $40 thing) for a "learning python" course and I really need to be doing that too.

Anyways yeah.... Things are going ok. I still am having the occasional craving but I've just been remembering that it'll pass just like the rest of them have and if I use I'm prolonging the symptoms.

Oh one more thing I've been really interested in is reading a lot of web articles and watching YouTube for learning and spirituality and stuff. I can do that too...

Anyways yeah... That's all I got for now.

I'm Shelby and I'm an addict 😂

8/7/21 7:55pm
 
Okay I better write I'm feeling a lot of anxiety. Like I'm pacing the floor. Like I'm having THAT kind of anxiety.

I took an otc sleeping pill so it ought to be kicking in soon but I'm feeling nervous for Butchy but I promised God that I'll really really listen if he promises to put Butchy in a good and loving home and keep him safe until I get out.

I'm kinda frustrated because I don't know what I am or am not supposed to bring so I have packed like the whole fucking house because I'd rather them keep something until I didn't need it as opposed to me needing something and not having it.

Things will be ok. I know they will be. I'm ready. I'm fucking ready actually.
Everything is ready transportation is ready for me and Butchy.

But I will say Butchy is getting much better sleep than I am right now haha.

Proof for doggy tax.



Shelby 8/8/21 1:52am
 
Everything is gonna be alright Shelby <3 I know it's scary but you're absolutely 100% doing all the right things and you and Butchy are both gonna be fine. Best wishes!! Try and get some sleep <3
 
Great job getting everything set up for you and your dog . You set your mind to something and you made it happen ! Take advantage of everything you can get out of this rehab experience. You are still young and have your whole life ahead of you !
Did you let your dad know you might be away for a while ? How’s that going ?
 
Don't get too far in your own head when you shout
We'll smile in front of all the things we used to worry about
And I know it may not seem like it, but we figured out
How to live on the run when your heart weighs a ton, yeah, yeah

I wrote a letter to my younger self
I hope you read it when you don't feel well
I hope this helps
I hope this helps
When things around you feel they can't get worse
If you won't describe the pain and how it hurts
I hope this helps

You know who my younger inner child has been needing a lot of recently?

Myself. Like it's fucking crazy how when I'm doing well like my inner child trusts me and is communicative with me and not only that but I'm communicative with my inner child too like...

The other day I was shopping for groceries because my food card got filled up right and so I went to the grocery store. Cool. Well...

Little Shelby wanted spicy pickle chips.

I've fucking had spicy pickle chips and I already know like I'm not even gonna fuckin eat them but fuck I got them anyways just because that was what little shelby wanted and I've been so fucking proud of little Shelby recently like he's the one that wants me to go to rehab right like HE is the one this whole time that had anxiety because he wasn't "being right with the lord" haha

And it's crazy what kind of shit manifests itself when you're not right with yourself right like I was picking my face where it was just fucking bloody and looked like a crime scene... All because I wasn't listening to myself.

Like it's strange because inner child me is like... The purest form of myself right like inner child Shelby is more of an adult sometimes (okay except when it comes to eating oreos he'll fuckin eat the whole goddamn box in a sitting and not feel remorse) than the actual adult version of me is like I would even venture as far to say my addiction was brought on because I was not listening to inner me at all like I shut him away for goddamn years.

Actually thinking about it I wonder if little Shelby only existed during certain points because for a lot of my life I had to be an adult as a child like it's nobody's fault it just always felt like I was there for my mom. And I'm not saying like she stubbed her toe and I was there for her no but I do now see situations I was put in in which she had poured all of her marbles into very certain things like her second husband for example and then her whole world fell apart when they got divorced and it felt like I kinda had to be there (as a 4th and 5th grader) to mend my mom's broken soul. Shit that's a lot for a 4th or 5th grader but like it's not her fault like she didn't choose to get put through those things it's just things that happened to her.

In other news..

You know I've kinda mentioned this but like... I'm like deathly afraid of cancer... Idk why. Like my grandfather we think had pancreatic cancer from drinking? I'm not sure what it was the hospital wouldn't tell my mom exactly what he died from for some reason but we do know it was cancer and it was made worse by his drinking.

I often worried that my mom was going to get cancer too like moreso worried that she had cancer from all the years of smoking and by the time they find it it will be too late but somehow that fear transposed to me like what if I have cancer and don't know it.

About a year and a half ago I started having weird symptoms around the area of my liver. Like it feels swollen all the time. Back then I was getting high every day all the time and I thought it was some kind of psychosis but nope it really is swollen.

Back then I could move the swollen part like it felt like it had some type of like... Liquid in it and when I moved it (so like pressing on the liver and moving towards my back) it felt like liquid was moving to my kidneys but when I do that now nothing happens. Sometimes it hurts like right now it's like at a level 1 out of 10 pain scale like I feel it but it doesn't exactly HURT.

A year before then I had this really odd dry cough where I would just cough a single time for no reason it was odd.

And anyways it slowly feels like it's kinda been growing not like fast but it is bigger these days than it was a year ago.

When I smoke or iv the dope I do notice it gets bigger and then when I sober up it goes back down to where it is now. Just bulging and I can feel it.

So yeah I worry it's cancer.

I have had an ultrasound on my gallbladder.
Came back normal but with a little gallbladder sludge.

Did a Hidascan on my liver came back normal.

Did an ekg on my heart and my heart is normal.

Its so odd too because it feels like it's in between my ribs and my skin.

At night I have to place a pillow between me and my bedding because it hurts and feels weird to lay on it.

Idk. I know that being high doesn't help the situation by any means but also it doesn't help when it feels like you're being gaslit by doctors because they can't find anything.

Idk... Oh well.

Shelby 8/8/21 1:59pm
 
Welp... Hi guys...

I fucked it up....

Still gonna go to rehab. Waiting for them to call if they don't call by like 1pm I'll call them.

Gauled out of my mind. :/

Shelby 8/9/21 10:40am
 
I'm going to tell you and this might be (besides for literally speaking about it with my addiction counselors one on one) the only time I actually say the truth because the truth is really fucked up and honestly doesn't make sense.

So... Sigh... OK... So I was going to send pictures of Butchy to my dog and I was going through pictures in my gallery and deciding what to delete from my phone and what to send to my dad.

Well I ran across this stupid fucking video...

So... Let me back up some...

I... On the drugs... Am a really sexual person like... The only time I feel horny honestly is in my drug addiction.

Like... Obviously this sucks for a 26 year old guy like I should be in the prime of my life sexually right now... But instead I always feel this hole in my soul where that prime of my life should be.

Before my addiction... I was very sexual like I had random hookups all the time and starting from a very young age.

Of course there's so much of the gay community that is rooted in hooking up and drugs.... I know...

But then of course I found partying and now I got hooked on it from a sexual aspect.

So.... And maybe one day I'll talk about all my fantasies and desires hahah. Which... Honestly a lot of them are really fucked up and are very much rooted in my own sense of worthlessness which I'm starting to see.

But they're fucked up.

One... Which is directly related to this story...

One of my fantasies is hypnosis to be more sexual.

Like this is actually dumb as fuck because I just ended up finding a bunch of hypno videos about being "a party slut" like I'm telling you guys the gay sex world gets really fucked up and sad.

So I opened the video.

The thing is I don't even know if I believe in hypno. But I watched it and that just pretty much gave me the excuse to get a pipe I had in the closet (because if I just throw it away like I'm gonna have an excuse to get another one like honestly this whole time I never told you guys I had a pipe with the tiniest amount of reside in my closet because if I get rid of it altogether it just makes it so much more harder to be sober because it actually feels like I'm being sober see sobriety for me exists in a place where I am choosing to be sober... Not in a place where I'm being forced to be sober...)

So I watched a couple seconds of the video and I picked up the pipe and did the residue and then called my dude up and traded some headphones for more shit because I knew if I did the residue then I would be like "oh well I might as well just go full out"

And so I did.

Ugh. I'm gonna see if I can get into detox today and then treatment.

Shelby 8/9/21 11:04am
 
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