At this moment in time I am feeling a lot better than I should, in no small part due to the gratitude I have towards you for taking the time and interest to ask - despite my mood management being as relevant as it can with respect to the pleasant summer evening I am having, you, on behalf of not just yourself but Bluelight as a concept, once again provide me with some hope in people. The few but persistent BL members that periodically ask after me have made me realise that this issue is not how pathetic I am for my gratitude for any acknowledgement, but how patient, humane, cool and optimistic those that take the time to pull me up are. While my final weeks moderating this forum and the others saw me have no contact with any of the team here in EADD, making what came next about as far from an example of planned joint action as is possible, it does not excuse my disgusting attitude in the slightest, if anything it just reinforces how unfit I was to perform the role as I had no personal contact with the other moderators as while I sat here with my head in the sand trying to motivate myself to re- engage the other final active moderator, through reasons I do not blame her for in the slightest, left. But unlike someone with a life to get on with, I found, somewhere along the line, the nerve to come slithering back after a couple of months, Fubar having managed to save the forum by stepping up despite already having 3 or so to look after, giving me something to come crawling back to full stop. I have been treated extremely courteously considering how selfish I was in disappearing while still having so many moderating responsibilities, by everyone, ranging from genuine enthusiasm from those I would expect and even the members with lower opinions of me than others have not only tolerated my presence but, at least to this point, shown extreme patience with respect to my posting my rantings
You still tapering the methy?
Alas not - that ship sailed a while ago now - it was late 2018 when, after managing to get from 70mg OD to
13.5, yes, 13.5mg that I relapsed badly, fucking up a potential detox and rehab placement as despite having got my methadone so low, I was still relying on RC benzodiazepines, spending the months prior to that wit jars of Smirnoff Blue around the house to volumetrically dose the clonitrazolam and flubromazepam powder I was buying from the innovators until they went tits up.
So, I was restabilised on 40mg and due to numerous domestic factors, factors that saw my dad and I detained by the police 4 weeks ago for my mothers psychopathic behaviour I am as far from clean as I have ever been I am afraid. Most weekends i ringfence for pure ganjasessioning (by maintainting that routine, it means that first spliff on a Friday afternoon is once again Heaven sent) but despite the methadone holding back the heeby jeebies I still crave the drugs and use on av. twice a month. I just got some bits delivered this afternoon - I have been smoking 2 different but equally amazing brews of ganja all weekend so my heads like treacle but having not use any skank class drugs for 12 days I called a guy - my second dose of the Astrazennica is due tomorrow and my immune system is sensitive as fuck to these kinds of things - I felt like shit after the first dose and for those like me the second is supposed to be even more insufferable. Its no different to when I get my annual flu vaccinations - I get an acute attack of symptoms one one associate with a really nasty cold but without the fever. I had my first dose about 1pm, got home, smoked a spliff while watching a film and feeling fine I took a 2mg clonazepam tablet. The pill provided an adequate chill, one that saw me doze off a couple of hours later but I woke up about 11pm, dithering to fuck with a thumping road drill type headache, similar to the septic shock I experienced a few years ago from a 'dirty' heroin hit ('cotton fever') but as I said, with no actual temperature issue. By mid afternoon the next day (approx 15 - 16 hours after I woke up feeling ill) I was starting to rapidly feel better and by the following day it was just a few aching bones and a sore arm. So, while my old man has most of the items stashed for when I need them, I still helped myself to a white and a couple of bags. The white has been purged through this post while the heroin is yet to be sampled.
So, as you can see sir I am somewhat all over the place but with a new Rx for sertraline having been in my system for about 7 weeks now I could be on the verge of at least getting organised. A bit.
I really appreciate you asking AB and apologise for the answer but its all or nothing with me I am afraid. If I keep this uo for a few months I might find myself in SLR asking as to how a dirty middle age man with a chronic drug habit can convince some nice lady to spend time with someone who, despite any renewed effort, is just a toxic fuck who should not be allowed to engage in civilised society. (y)