I have confirmed this with family. CaptainHeroin, who has been a senior moderator here for so long, has recently passed away from a tragic OD. He has helped me for very many years with harm reduction, along with countless others. He helped me laugh when no one else could. It is with great sadness I announce this to the BL community. I am weeping.
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Bluelight
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This. He really did want life to end. I thought he was clean off H tho.for a long time. But if you're a former H addict...u know how to make it end when you're ready. Maybe he was ready. I'm ready too personally. I have everything in life u could want except freedom from chronic pain. CH had chronic emotional pain which can be equally as taxing. I feel kinda relieved for him...but sad for his loved ones
It was an an accident per se maybe but When you're suicidal and you pick up H again it's more about wanting death than wanting to feel warm and fuzzy. I'm there. I see one of these threads in my future.I knew something was wrong when I last spoke with him. I could feel it. I only knew cap so well and I wasn't sure how much of that was just cap being cap, but something changed about 2 months ago.
Cap, was the best of us. Filled with energy and life. He was truly an amazing, caring and one of a kind person. A special soul.
I knew he was in pain. He very openly talked of suicide, yet I felt as a way to express his emotions into his art. I would like to believe this was a big accident. Cap was always pushing the limits. The captain of his soul.
Rest in peace A. Today I think of you. Goodbye for now.
I remember his posts on this; I had a few tumbling comments with him regarding the reasons he posted his desire to destroy himself; that did not make sense, as he was trying to justify how his worth was so null and void. Nobody knows what was going on in his mind. But he had some warm comrades on here; and he was warm to many too - that is what matters.
He wrote some beautiful posts. He was a dark/light superstar, on here.
I am gutted to read he is gone but accept his decision, for himself. Though it is sad for all left, who love him.
Imho:A beautiful paradox; a passive aggressive instigator, a lover; a hater; a wordsmith; artist; a scared being' fierce, enthusiast'; a destructer; en epicurius of the abyss; who didnt see himself as a he was .; an addict; who succumbed to long-term chemical imbalance and denied us and himself of who he is
- last one, pisses me off and am still angry with.I hope, anyone who loves him sees what he didn't.
He would have liked this, I think ( he posted W.B. a lot).
"In deep sadness there is no place for sentimentality."
- W. borroughs
You what!!!!!!????!!!!!????
What a legend. Hope he's found his peace.
I really liked the guy & he seemed to like me also. Behind the scenes he had reached out to me several times when I was going through PAWS after coming off Heroin, I really liked the guy plus we had the same taste in music.
This will never sound the same now, if you can see me and / or read this I really liked & respected you, I miss you already.
This will never sound the same now, if you can see me and / or read this I really liked & respected you, I miss you already.
RIP Cap.
I think that's the key thing here. This may have been an OD or "accident"...but with someone with his level of experhowience with H and clean time after, and his views on not wanting to keep living even being clean...his decision to use H again knowing full well what it inveitably leads to, shouldn't be viewed much different from a suicide.
Thats at least how I see it through my own lens. Not everyone can pick up a revolver to end it all...but we can eaaily pick up a spike knowing full well what the result will be. I'm close and flirting lately with that that outcome...after years of clean time just like him. So I get it.
I'll say the guy was depressed but always Civil with ppl. I never once saw him post crude or harsh words towards another...which is an anomaly for someone plagued by addiction mental illness. He was a respectful guy to others that acted mature on here. More than I can say for.myself.
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So sad...I didn't know him that well but he gave me some good advice when I first came here a few years back, thankyou and RIP
I tried to help the dude, talk to him as much as possible but well - this may be roughly said but he got what wanted in the end.
I can't believe this. Captain Heroin welcomed me to this site when I first learned of it after my son's overdose. He helped me, along with another kind soul, to decipher the possibilities and meaning of the toxicology report. He wrote me copious PMs to help me out in those first dark months and he was the first person to open my mind about so much that I had wrong about or ignorant of concerning drug use. Later, when we moderated together I got to know him much better and I admired him deeply. He overcame so much, from his early life, but he remained tormented by what he could not overcome . That continued to cause him so much pain. When we were both Senior Moderators I came to respect his very unbiased and even-handed way he approached problems happening on the site. His love and care for this forum is legendary. All the hours of the day-to-day running of particular forums and the site in general CH put in should be honored somehow.
I wish he had been able to publish his book. I would surely love to read that book.
I wish he had been able to publish his book. I would surely love to read that book.
I wish I had known him
I’ve found Some times it’s a lot easier to help others than to focus on yourself.
even if you swap too far from shore if you’re still able to see it you still are able to come back. Thank you bluelight for being the first I guess online places where addicts and those in recovery can vent and talk. I wish the best for his family. Sorry I’m bad w words but this broke my heart
I wish I had known him
I’ve found Some times it’s a lot easier to help others than to focus on yourself.
even if you swap too far from shore if you’re still able to see it you still are able to come back. Thank you bluelight for being the first I guess online places where addicts and those in recovery can vent and talk. I wish the best for his family. Sorry I’m bad w words but this broke my heart
This is from Caps last poem
Just don’t run from me as I do, it’ll leave you feeling brutally blue.
There were two kinds of people. Those who played Caps game and those who didnt. I decided not to and let me say, his behavior after that wasnt good. He was not a good person /atleast to me. He was proud of his ability to mindfuck people.
Just don’t run from me as I do, it’ll leave you feeling brutally blue.
There were two kinds of people. Those who played Caps game and those who didnt. I decided not to and let me say, his behavior after that wasnt good. He was not a good person /atleast to me. He was proud of his ability to mindfuck people.
CaptainI know you knew you meant a lot to many people as some of us would tell you on a daily basis.
If you can read this...where ever you have gone...
I knew upon learning of your passing it was going to effect many. However I am shocked and pleased to see just how many peoples lives you have effected.
Of course your home here on Bluelight. I have two separate harm reduction communitys on facebook, both blowing up with messages of sadness.
Reddit posts are into the hundreds.
Even down the harder to reach parts of the internet, the Dreadit community are also saddend.
A man known to few in person, but the alias Captain Heroin known to thousands accross all areas of the globe.
I still remember when I was no more than 2 years old on Bluelight in 2008 and laughing my arse off when I saw your username.
I know how much you wanted the book you were writing, and from memory around 75% complete? Please don't dwell on that. Your story has already reach thousands around the whole world. Each different chapters to the book of Captain Heroin global harm reduction contributions.
We love you man. And dont worry, while you scared many of us often being an idiot (and we sure let you know about it! ☺ ) we know how much love you had for us. Thank you...forever in our hearts you remain
Just to add, and I only maybe had a couple brief engagements with this member, he intrigued me I will say- the last posts I read from him, he was very open about his mindset, state of affairs, and alluded to the likelihood of this tragic outcome.
So it really did not surprise me or shock me just now, seeing this, it actually confirmed my expectation. I would have been more surprised to see him still posting, in typical usual fashion, right now.
I don’t mean to sound cold or callous. This is just what strikes me, right now. It’s partly an unconscious intuitive thing but his words gave big clues this was potentially imminently on the cards.
I hope he is okay now wherever his soul has moved to. I cannot not believe in the soul and infinity of life in some form.
I am on the fringes of life myself. I hang on, I won’t be overdosing or anything drastic but my body may succumb at some point, will regardless, or if suffering is just too extreme and not enough relief and healing can be found, I could very well give up, but I would likely try and choose as comfortable a fast as possible, I’m super malnourished already so it’s not like a fully nourished, weighted person in terms of the length of that road.
Sorry to be morbid folks. As David Gilmour says in lyric on the Momentary Lapse of Reason Album track 9.....
“Don’t worry, nobody lives forever....nobody lives.....forever,”
It makes you think.
So it really did not surprise me or shock me just now, seeing this, it actually confirmed my expectation. I would have been more surprised to see him still posting, in typical usual fashion, right now.
I don’t mean to sound cold or callous. This is just what strikes me, right now. It’s partly an unconscious intuitive thing but his words gave big clues this was potentially imminently on the cards.
I hope he is okay now wherever his soul has moved to. I cannot not believe in the soul and infinity of life in some form.
I am on the fringes of life myself. I hang on, I won’t be overdosing or anything drastic but my body may succumb at some point, will regardless, or if suffering is just too extreme and not enough relief and healing can be found, I could very well give up, but I would likely try and choose as comfortable a fast as possible, I’m super malnourished already so it’s not like a fully nourished, weighted person in terms of the length of that road.
Sorry to be morbid folks. As David Gilmour says in lyric on the Momentary Lapse of Reason Album track 9.....
“Don’t worry, nobody lives forever....nobody lives.....forever,”
It makes you think.
Hi Andy btw. Much love bro and glad you’re still spilling beans for us all. What a life hey?
I know you knew you meant a lot to many people as some of us would tell you on a daily basis.
If you can read this...where ever you have gone...
I knew upon learning of your passing it was going to effect many. However I am shocked and pleased to see just how many peoples lives you have effected.
Of course your home here on Bluelight. I have two separate harm reduction communitys on facebook, both blowing up with messages of sadness.
Reddit posts are into the hundreds.
Even down the harder to reach parts of the internet, the Dreadit community are also saddend.
A man known to few in person, but the alias Captain Heroin known to thousands accross all areas of the globe.
I still remember when I was no more than 2 years old on Bluelight in 2008 and laughing my arse off when I saw your username.
I know how much you wanted the book you were writing, and from memory around 75% complete? Please don't dwell on that. Your story has already reach thousands around the whole world. Each different chapters to the book of Captain Heroin global harm reduction contributions.
We love you man. And dont worry, while you scared many of us often being an idiot (and we sure let you know about it! ☺ ) we know how much love you had for us. Thank you...forever in our hearts you remain
