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I’m full blown relapsed.

Hey Alex,

Since I’ve been offering you a lot of gratuitious advice I feel I should ethically let you know I had a minor relapse the night before last.

I really wanted to get laid (first time in at least a month) and the woman I went to see offered me a smoke. I smoked just one point.

Now, given my addiction involved IV’ng a gram a day with a minimum starting shot of .3 grams, I’m not counting this as a serious relapse. Especially since I’m not into the AA/NA whole counting days thing. However, it was regrettable and I am still suffering the cognitive effects and can’t do any work. Plus side, I didn’t really enjoy it at all. Totally had tina dick too.

I still feel really strong and committed about my meth sobriety (though I’m really hanging to drop some acid).

Anyway, thought you should know you ain’t the only one!
 
Atelier3 said:
Hey Alex,

Since I’ve been offering you a lot of gratuitious advice I feel I should ethically let you know I had a minor relapse the night before last.

I really wanted to get laid (first time in at least a month) and the woman I went to see offered me a smoke. I smoked just one point.

Now, given my addiction involved IV’ng a gram a day with a minimum starting shot of .3 grams, I’m not counting this as a serious relapse. Especially since I’m not into the AA/NA whole counting days thing. However, it was regrettable and I am still suffering the cognitive effects and can’t do any work. Plus side, I didn’t really enjoy it at all. Totally had tina dick too.

I still feel really strong and committed about my meth sobriety (though I’m really hanging to drop some acid).

Anyway, thought you should know you ain’t the only one!
Click to expand...
Hey thanks for opening up. That’s what this place is for, right? Sounds like it wasn’t the best time, but I wouldn’t make too big a deal out of it. One point kind of a stupid night, not on a run, so whatever. Take it in stride.

I have my addiction really tied up in sex as well. The whole party n play / chemsex thing in the gay community has had its hooks in me to one degree or another for awhile now. Fuck it’s even where I score, and the quality and price is fantastic too. It’s such a trap. I get good shit and pay less than most dealers and get laid too, win win win in a certain mentality but the reality it’s I’m gonna lose lose lose if I let this completely take over again. There’s very little in way of specific supports for this kind of dual addiction in the gay community too, so I feel pretty alone sometimes. A lot.

I don’t believe in the whole AA counting thing either. My ideology wasn’t ever staunch In favour for 12 steps but it’s drifting farther and farther away as I go along. Too many problems, too shame based, the idea of powerlessness is ridiculous for the present going forward and people call it occultism for a reason. There’s good things there, but it’s not set up to be a positive in my life personally. The counting days and months and years is one of the things. I don’t care how many days I have, if any, I just want to make steps to having a better life in a way that so can be at peace within my own experience. As much as abstinence is the ultimate end goal, I’m no longer one who will discount anything less then that due to AA ideology.
 
Holy fuck does meth ever speed up the metabolism of K. I'm back now. Thank God.. capital G seriously that was fuckin' stupid.

Meth + down and out + bump and IV shot = bad news

Am I just lazy?

I'm a very hard worker, when I'm on the job. I'm in a basic assembly position right now and it's braindead work, but it still requires a good amount of hand eye coordination and a give a fuck attitude to get through and meet/exceed quotas. I'm way the fuck ahead all the time. Just got trained on a new station last week, sucked a bit the first two days and its been smooth sailing from there since I've got the muscle memory down. Now I can fly, and I do because it makes the time pass and standing around just keeping pace when I can move quicker then that is enough that I get tired to the point that I want to fall asleep on my feet. Keeping sporadic hours due to constant drug abuse isnt helping that either, but I'm always showing up coherent and in decent shape to start. Its the last few hours which drag if I don't keep a rhythm going.

I'm less than I used to be, but I'm a fuckin slob at home. Where at work I've constantly wound up being a workhorse (one machining job between 2016-2018 I was doing straight night shift what was occupied by 3 people dayshift full management and supervision when I showed up) at home I couldn't give a fuck if every dish is done or if theres some crumbs, or honestly I'll just let my places get semi-trashed. Its a reflection of how I am in my life I guess. Your room represents your mind right? I live with a significant other and have a lot of gratitude towards my landlords for putting up with my self abuse in their home so I'm doing more than I used to by quite a lot. Actually the last couple years I've slowly been learning to keep after myself in my personal life but it's more coming to a beat now that I just automatically want to keep things at least acceptable in order.

My rooms in my 20s weren't much different than my teenage rooms til the latter part of it. Approaching 30 I'm finally starting to grow up a bit on my complacency. I'm sure fucked up on drugs though, that's tough shit. I think I'm almost ready to call it a day with them again. Just got this whole big stash of shit and its bullshit. I have too much to live for, just need to re-negotiate my life a bit somenow. Find the time.. I work 6 days a week I cant be laid up for days detoxing.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

copied from a lounge post this is just after a weird fuckin K trip. I'm coming back to myself more and more by the minute.

The point is.. I think I need to stop this now. I'm going to cut back until I can take just my vyvnase and be ok. I don't know if I should keep the bag as backup just in case... last thing I want is to drop hundreds again chasing shit down or buying bulk again or both if I cant hack it Spent like a thousand bucks the last month or so. Please advise.
 
wudbutcher said:
Alex, you want the straight up, what you’re seeking can’t be had. Youmay juggle awhile, keep the plates spinning. You will lose EVERYTHING and EVERYONE that meant anything to you. You WONT maintain dosage; as your psyche breaks and the secretive nature of addiction destroys what sense of self you have, you’ll need more and more to keep the mirror “ fogged up”. To quiet the memories of a once full life.
Ask me how I know...
Stop. Get help while there’s someone to ask. All the best
Click to expand...
You were right.
 
maybe you can try taking 25mg a day, maximum 50 till your body settles the tolerance. Its a major step but you're body will acclimate. That and do a day and day off. maximum two day on and two days off. I think overall, the tolerance issue is the challenge here. and while meth and amphetamine can't be so easily managed writing some steps for you to follow might be a way to return to some normalcy. thats the basis for any prescription direction. You have to have it written on the bottle so that you have some guideline of usage. Otherwise, its like any unmeasured powder. This is the reason why phenibut is so hard to manage for users, No measured dosage. I'm sure if you had the stuff in pellet form it would be much easier to schedule some discipline to usage for example.

I know I'm talking about meth so its hard to conceive any of what I said as realistic but realisticly most drug usage is titrated, if at all taken responsibly.

but yeah what @wudbutcher said. thats the way to go.
 
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Waxworth said:
maybe you can try taking 25mg a day, maximum 50 till your body settles the tolerance. Its a major step but you're body will acclimate. That and do a day and day off. maximum two day on and two days off. I think overall, the tolerance issue is the challenge here. and while meth and amphetamine can't be so easily managed writing some steps for you to follow might be a way to return to some normalcy. thats the basis for any prescription direction. You have to have it written on the bottle so that you have some guideline of usage. Otherwise, its like any unmeasured powder. This is the reason why phenibut is so hard to manage for users, No measured dosage. I'm sure if you had the stuff in pellet form it would be much easier to schedule some discipline to usage for example.

I know I'm talking about meth so its hard to conceive any of what I said as realistic but realisticly most drug usage is titrated, if at all taken responsibly.

but yeah what @wudbutcher said. thats probably the way to go.
Click to expand...
Taking illicit drugs responsibly is a contradiction friend. We are all grown here lol, so dont see the need or sense in powdering behinds with suggestioons that just don't work, in the big picture. If it has its hooks in, if youve experienced a run or two, the only way is stay the fuck away from it and all its atmosphere. Even then, youll search it out. Its beyond you, youre just transportation now. Can wait you out. And will settle for a slip every year or two, gorges itself with days ,weeks lost and sleep and meals missed. Then it hibernates til you call again.
 
Man, I can relate to you so much. I feel the same way about so many things you said. I'm also trying to be a functional user right now, which I know I'm just fooling myself. I used meth for six years and finally got clean and was doing great, and that lasted 15 months, then I got a wild hair up my ass and relapsed. I told myself it was only gonna be a one time thing, yet I justify a reason to buy the next bag, and this whole cycle has been going on for a month and half. And I'm still sitting here thinking I'm gonna quit again.

So, I dont want to offend you or anything at all. I'm just curious, have you heard of or know very much about Borderline Personality Disorder? You have said a lot of things that make me think you could have it. My counselor told me I have it. I never knew it existed until then. I did a bunch of reading about it and it's totally me. And its caused from childhood trauma. You should look into it. Please, please dont be offended. Just your living on the edge comment and using drugs for so long, having depression and bipolar disorder, so many things you said....as I was reading all your stuff, it popped in my head.

On another note, someone mentioned earlier how you aren't an addict, it doesnt define you as a person....and that's so true. Do not identify yourself as an addict. It's not who you are, it's what you did.
Once an addict, always an addict....not true.

I know you're struggling with going back and forth right now about whether to use or not to use. All I can say is I've been there, and I feel you. And just because you decided you are gonna use now, you know you can still get help in the future. Sometimes all you can do is the best you got, and you may not be mentally strong enough to quit today and go through all the wds. Just dont give up because of that. You will muster up the will power and you will get clean in the future. Sometimes all you can do is live one day at a time....and that's okay.

I really do wish you the best of luck. It really does suck when your whole world revolves around your meth use. It sucks ass to be a slave to dope. It's awful to have to rely on a drug just to be normal.

I hope you get the whole mess figured out so you can be happy. PM if you ever wanna chat.
 
Pinkbeam said:
Man, I can relate to you so much. I feel the same way about so many things you said. I'm also trying to be a functional user right now, which I know I'm just fooling myself. I used meth for six years and finally got clean and was doing great, and that lasted 15 months, then I got a wild hair up my ass and relapsed. I told myself it was only gonna be a one time thing, yet I justify a reason to buy the next bag, and this whole cycle has been going on for a month and half. And I'm still sitting here thinking I'm gonna quit again.

So, I dont want to offend you or anything at all. I'm just curious, have you heard of or know very much about Borderline Personality Disorder? You have said a lot of things that make me think you could have it. My counselor told me I have it. I never knew it existed until then. I did a bunch of reading about it and it's totally me. And its caused from childhood trauma. You should look into it. Please, please dont be offended. Just your living on the edge comment and using drugs for so long, having depression and bipolar disorder, so many things you said....as I was reading all your stuff, it popped in my head.

On another note, someone mentioned earlier how you aren't an addict, it doesnt define you as a person....and that's so true. Do not identify yourself as an addict. It's not who you are, it's what you did.
Once an addict, always an addict....not true.

I know you're struggling with going back and forth right now about whether to use or not to use. All I can say is I've been there, and I feel you. And just because you decided you are gonna use now, you know you can still get help in the future. Sometimes all you can do is the best you got, and you may not be mentally strong enough to quit today and go through all the wds. Just dont give up because of that. You will muster up the will power and you will get clean in the future. Sometimes all you can do is live one day at a time....and that's okay.

I really do wish you the best of luck. It really does suck when your whole world revolves around your meth use. It sucks ass to be a slave to dope. It's awful to have to rely on a drug just to be normal.

I hope you get the whole mess figured out so you can be happy. PM if you ever wanna chat.
Click to expand...
I'm not diagnosed BDP but I've been told I have symptoms of it. I wasn't diagnosed due to my age at the time (20) and my substance use. I scored for it later again at 27 but not diagnosed again. I'm not sure I am. Some things ring true and some things I just think I'm having a hard time and I'm on drugs. It's not like that for me normally sober. I haven't had any significant clean time in years now though. I don't know. I already have so many diagnoses I'm afraid of getting any more.

I have told my job today everything. Addictions,
mental health, health problems with autoimmune disease screwing me up this year and all. I am asking if they can help me in any capacity and retain my job while I get help. I can't show up to this job high, I just can't. It's not safe for me or the company. I need to get help and stop this.
 
Just hang in there, man. There's light at the end of the tunnel. Don't be so hard on yourself. You will get it figured out. Your mind is already going the right direction.
 
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