I’m full blown relapsed.

[Joey]

I was okay for a bit. Now I’m at the lower end of a slippery slope, this is no longer a lapse or messing around or having hope it’s just relapse.

I’m going back to my old style of picking up 1/2oz at a time and it lasts a good 6-8 weeks, meth. I almost don’t even care what the consequences it my relationship are, I won’t lose my place to stay I’ve found out, it would remain a friendship for that period but nothing more. I can’t function without amps and more then the vyvanse I’m prescribed. Im so shit without it I’ll lose love over it. Maybe.. I don’t get how this guy is so tolerant of what I do.

I’m not worried about my overall appearance function as long as I have my amps. I am if I stop. Short of dismantling everything I have got and achieved I cannot take the time to keep cycling through withdrawing totally so regulated meth use it is. I peaked at 0.5g daily before, I can keep it lower then that because I work fulltime now.

This feels so fucked to write about myself but it’s truly how I feel. Meth and dex are number one now. I’m an absolute mess without it even post detox. More than with it so long as I regulate and I do most times.

I need some advanced tips on maintaining aiming overall health and healthy patterns in spite of meth use.

I know the eatsleepdrinkwater routine and Damages by ROA and things. I know to curb other substances which is easy since I don’t crave much else very often on amps. I buy bulk amounts and stay home when I’m on a real run and I’m about to embark. I know enough to occupy my day mentally with thoughts outside just drugs and I’m fucked up and wah wah.

@Atelier3 you’re a pretty knowledgeable meth guy here tricks up your sleeve around meth? Supplements, counteracting side effects, things like that.

The biggest tip I could use is how to drown out some distant sounding voices that are critical of me. It’s an ongoing hallucination from years or meth use. I don’t think it’ll disappear but some help not to engage would be wonderful.

I want to reduce the harm of this as much as I can, and I’ve already made my decision. I’m a speed freak and I love it.

 

[Jabberwocky]

.

@Atelier3 you’re a pretty knowledgeable meth guy here tricks up your sleeve around meth? Supplements, counteracting side effects, things like that.

Man, it really sounds like I’m talking to a different person from a few weeks ago, but I respect your decision to go down this path and applaud your sense in reaching out for advice in minimising the risks.

However, you have good stuff going on in life with university and I encourage you to do your best to maintain your good standing with your institution. Even if you have to take a bit of time off to manage your addiction, you ultimately need that education.

As I mentioned in our private correspondence, your university may have programs that give support and special consideration to people who are ill. And, my friend, according to the DSM V - you have Methamphetamine Use Disorder which is a bona fide illness.

As far as looking after yourself goes, it is impossible to overstate the importance of eat/sleep/hydrate - but you are well aware of that. Anyway I expect that as your consumption increases you’ll sleep anyway - that is a paradoxical effect of meth for many people. Don’t forget personal hygiene - shower and teeth twice a day.

Besides that, here is a list of things that kept me functional over a binge that lasted 8 months. No particular order:

1. Don’t consume every day. Max 3-4 days out of a week. Once you get going, 3-4 days off a week is enough to get some rest and recovery without really suffering from cravings or comedown.

2. Take small dose (25 -50 mg seroquel) at the end of each 3-4 day session. It is short acting so will not effect getting high a few days later and it possibly has neuroprotective effects. In practice it will help you sleep/ and ward off most comedown feelings that might you keep using longer. It’s easier to get and less addictive than benzos.

3. Get up early everyday - using day or rest day - and go for a moderate walk - even just a mile or so. It does wonders for your mental health and ensures you approach each day positively.

4. Set alarms to leave your room / house and interact with people. This is especially important if you live with other people but have a habit of getting stuck in something alone for hours (porn or making music or whatever). That everyday connection with straight people keeps you sane and grounded.

5. Keep something important in your life besides meth. Something like a dream or a goal that you can’t really accomplish on meth. For me it was finishing my PhD and it helped me to monitor just how fucked up I was getting (by reflecting on how far away achieving that goal was getting). It helped ensure I never totally gave in to meth and eventually helped me get sober.

Basically, you need to have something other than just yourself to care about. From your post I think this is where you might be most at risk - especially if your relationship fails.

6. As for supplements - I took multi-vitamins, magnesium, 5 HTP, and L-tyrosine.

7. When I felt like I just couldn’t eat I forced down yoghurt and tinned fruit or smoothies. Healthy, nutritious and easy to eat even if you have no appetite.

That’s basically it. However, to be honest I wish I was writing out all the things I did to get clean for you. Good luck and stay healthy. I’m always happy to chat and give whatever support I can for wherever you are at.

 

[Ds]

hey @Alex_1991

The best thing I could tell you would to try to reduce the amount you take, and the ultimate goal here would to be off the meth 100%, and just stick with the Vyvance. i'm guessing that is prescribed?
Maybe a complete medical detox? Would something like that be possible? Because going by experience it get's worse man. The audio & visual hallucinations will not go away unless you were to take something like a benzo, but that wouldn't even really reduce them to 0%.
If the Detox isn't an option then try to come across something that would help with the WDs. Like Ativan. That shit does help if used correctly (by that i mean like 2mg every 4-6 hours).
You mentioned what you needed to do to stay healthy, so pretty much need to eliminate the meth amps all together.

 

[Juniper Bruhmomentius]

Its time to make a decision. It could still be worse. I mean youre working and all. Good luck nevertheless. Meth is hell of a drug.

 

[Juniper Bruhmomentius]

I mean this was to be expected. Maybe you can still use meth but at some point it just gets worse and worse. And it seems its pretty bad already.

 

[iLoveYouWithaKnife]

You are making a methodical decision to use. So I think it’s important to set boundaries now, and no matter what, stick to them to try to have the best approach to staying as functional as possible, for as long as possible while you take your dive down the rabbit hole.
All of the above advice was great but here’s where you make a detailed schedule that only you can make to best coordinate with your life.
Example: for starters- Above I read something about school... I’m not sure if you are in school at the moment, but if you are start scheduling your use around that. If you have school Tuesday and Friday- decide that you are not going to use on those days... at all, or if you do- then it’s not until after you complete your courses. Set a limit for how much you are going to use each day, and set a time that you will not use after. Stock your house with food that you know will be easy to accommodate. Stuff for smoothies, soup etc. You’ll be more than likely to try to keep better dietary habits if you already have what you need in arms reach. Even if you can’t sleep, set aside a time where you can lay down with your eyes closed and give full attention to that. Rest is SO essential for our sanity. Even if you can’t sleep- just decompressing for 45 minutes to an hour (obviously the longer the better) does so much to help reset. And it could make ALL the difference.

 

[wudbutcher]

Alex, you want the straight up, what you’re seeking can’t be had. Youmay juggle awhile, keep the plates spinning. You will lose EVERYTHING and EVERYONE that meant anything to you. You WONT maintain dosage; as your psyche breaks and the secretive nature of addiction destroys what sense of self you have, you’ll need more and more to keep the mirror “ fogged up”. To quiet the memories of a once full life.
Ask me how I know...
Stop. Get help while there’s someone to ask. All the best

 

[Joey]

Thank you guys. I’m going through with it and appreciate all the replies. I’m a little scared, I also don’t know what else to do. I’m so utterly dependant on it that I almost feel like another person is inside calling the shots in a metaphorical sense. I might be trading off not tearing up my work and school short term to having my life ripped away from me long term and everything’s lost then.. I don’t know.

I will do my utmost to keep this regulated. This has to be to function and nothing more until I can see an out again into recovery I think. I just don’t see it right now. I’m hopeless inside.

I really appreciate the responses and thank you for getting this cleaned up on subject. I feel much better now. It’s been hard for me lately, I feel stretched so thin. Nothing I’m doing is right. I can’t right the wrongs but I can lessen the harm if I follow some guidelines here and keep a light on at the end of the tunnel and maybe just recover if I ever can.

Been an addict since I was a teenager to one thing or another, I’m realizing more and more how little coping skills or say in my own being even to just do the right thing and stop. At least I can do damage control and keep healthy as much as I can. I have to tread carefully.

Ok I’m gonna stop rambling.

I’m gonna take all the input here and sketch something out like a regiment or plan for you guys to give me input on later on.

 

[Fiori di Bella]

Alex, Do you think you could avoid meth usage if you were put on a higher dosage of Vyvanse? I’m not sure if you have that option available to you, nor if that’s even something that you would consider. It’s just a thought.
I got back on Vyvanse earlier this month after having been off it for many years. This dose is not doing much for me and I will let my doctor know at our next telephone appointment.
I can really see how being under medicated with Vyvanse could lead someone to self-medicating with stimulants. I’m drinking a couple cans of Diet Coke each day, plus coffee every morning, to try to get the effect that Vyvanse, at the correct dose, gave me originally.

 

[deficiT]

I was okay for a bit. Now I’m at the lower end of a slippery slope, this is no longer a lapse or messing around or having hope it’s just relapse.

I’m going back to my old style of picking up 1/2oz at a time and it lasts a good 6-8 weeks, meth. I almost don’t even care what the consequences it my relationship are, I won’t lose my place to stay I’ve found out, it would remain a friendship for that period but nothing more. I can’t function without amps and more then the vyvanse I’m prescribed. Im so shit without it I’ll lose love over it. Maybe.. I don’t get how this guy is so tolerant of what I do.

I’m not worried about my overall appearance function as long as I have my amps. I am if I stop. Short of dismantling everything I have got and achieved I cannot take the time to keep cycling through withdrawing totally so regulated meth use it is. I peaked at 0.5g daily before, I can keep it lower then that because I work fulltime now.

This feels so fucked to write about myself but it’s truly how I feel. Meth and dex are number one now. I’m an absolute mess without it even post detox. More than with it so long as I regulate and I do most times.

I need some advanced tips on maintaining aiming overall health and healthy patterns in spite of meth use.

I know the eatsleepdrinkwater routine and Damages by ROA and things. I know to curb other substances which is easy since I don’t crave much else very often on amps. I buy bulk amounts and stay home when I’m on a real run and I’m about to embark. I know enough to occupy my day mentally with thoughts outside just drugs and I’m fucked up and wah wah.

@Atelier3 you’re a pretty knowledgeable meth guy here tricks up your sleeve around meth? Supplements, counteracting side effects, things like that.

The biggest tip I could use is how to drown out some distant sounding voices that are critical of me. It’s an ongoing hallucination from years or meth use. I don’t think it’ll disappear but some help not to engage would be wonderful.

I want to reduce the harm of this as much as I can, and I’ve already made my decision. I’m a speed freak and I love it.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. When I was doing it, I tried to keep it to .100 - .200 a day IV, More with other ROA's. which I know is minor for a lot of people. Small amounts of either seroquel or benzos can be life saving for just taking the edge off or making sleep/hygeine/nurtrition possible. I know that's probably bad harm reduction advice, but meth is a beast of a drug and it can take you down quick.

Headphones. Helped me w/ the auditory hallucinations. This way I could kinda wander around my house, listening to whatever, and I could control some of the hallucinations. I could even just say goofy things quietly to myself and it helped me not care, crazy as that sounds.

Supplements: whey protein powder, can be mixed w/ juice or whatever instantly, and it's a good way to stay fed when you can't eat. L-tyrosine, L-Phenylalanine, L-Glutamine, Garlic extract, Ginger, turmeric, and black seed oil. Plus all the normal shit but water is super crucial obvs, and try and brush your teeth and do deodorant at least once a day. Showers too obviously but not always possible.

That's all i've got now but it's helped me, when I was really losing it I wish I kept up with these things better (even though i kinda did), it might notve been as bad. Then all the normal stuff. Best of luck friend, all love, please stay safe. We love you here at BL.

D

 

[LordFran]

dont give into hopelessness. ok, your doing this, but dont have bad views because of it. you can do bad things but still have right view. right view means knowing you can be free of suffering. you know this road is stressful. you can be stress free. it takes resolve and time. but you can do it. only one day off the drugs will already make you feel more healthy, powerful, and like you can achieve a happy life.

if you have insurance, get a free therapists he can help!! you can just talk on the phone, and go to relapse prevention groups. Please think about moving away, your demons will follow you, but not your plugs. Ween off and delete plug numbers. anything and everything you can. If not you know youll just waste years of your life on this roller coaster. who knows man, maybe years from now you can take an aderall once a month and have an amazing time...maybe youll be so happy you wont even see the need for it. but the thing is, right now, its too much. you wont be able to be healthy, its impossible, your body will rebel, crash, youll hurt yourself. its too much to take. you know this, thats why you had stopped. you can try again.

maybe you have an anxiety disorder and can get a benzo prescription and use it in a planned and responsible manner for your first two months clean.

maybe you can move away, make new, clean friends. maybe you can find support. maybe you can get higher off meditation than meth. Or exercise. I know its hard. i know its sooo hard. but please dont lose hope. dont fall into delussion. its possible to have a great clean stress free life.

pleasure is stressful. pain is stressful. tranquility, equanimity--thats actual happines and peace. and there will be up and downs, anxiety, feelings of wanting to AMP UP, the need for speed, for getting high, to get crunk...but you know it comes with a crash and consequences. its unavoidable. But you and I both know that the best feeling is knowing youre doing whats right, of making the best life for yourself, of having freedom and no craving, of acomplishing goals (in this case getting clean.) dont give up. the consequences are too big. i

 

[MrsGamp]

I was okay for a bit. Now I’m at the lower end of a slippery slope, this is no longer a lapse or messing around or having hope it’s just relapse.

I’m going back to my old style of picking up 1/2oz at a time and it lasts a good 6-8 weeks, meth. I almost don’t even care what the consequences it my relationship are, I won’t lose my place to stay I’ve found out, it would remain a friendship for that period but nothing more. I can’t function without amps and more then the vyvanse I’m prescribed. Im so shit without it I’ll lose love over it. Maybe.. I don’t get how this guy is so tolerant of what I do.

I’m not worried about my overall appearance function as long as I have my amps. I am if I stop. Short of dismantling everything I have got and achieved I cannot take the time to keep cycling through withdrawing totally so regulated meth use it is. I peaked at 0.5g daily before, I can keep it lower then that because I work fulltime now.

This feels so fucked to write about myself but it’s truly how I feel. Meth and dex are number one now. I’m an absolute mess without it even post detox. More than with it so long as I regulate and I do most times.

I need some advanced tips on maintaining aiming overall health and healthy patterns in spite of meth use.

I know the eatsleepdrinkwater routine and Damages by ROA and things. I know to curb other substances which is easy since I don’t crave much else very often on amps. I buy bulk amounts and stay home when I’m on a real run and I’m about to embark. I know enough to occupy my day mentally with thoughts outside just drugs and I’m fucked up and wah wah.

@Atelier3 you’re a pretty knowledgeable meth guy here tricks up your sleeve around meth? Supplements, counteracting side effects, things like that.

The biggest tip I could use is how to drown out some distant sounding voices that are critical of me. It’s an ongoing hallucination from years or meth use. I don’t think it’ll disappear but some help not to engage would be wonderful.

I want to reduce the harm of this as much as I can, and I’ve already made my decision. I’m a speed freak and I love it.

"Meth and dex are number one now. I’m an absolute mess without it even post detox. More than with it so long as I regulate and I do most times."

I hear you! I don't take meth but I spend a fortune on illegal Dex.

I can't do anything constructive without Dex anymore.

Actually I am not doing anything that shit-hot even when on Dex.

I know what you mean about not caring about "loss of love" too. For eg, my daughter is starting university next year and has mentioned she'd like to try living with me instead of her Dad, who's a terrible bully and won't let her do anything. I'd love to have her but am petrified as to how I would conceal/manage my drug thing from her.

Although, who knows ... she's a smart kid. Maybe I could just be honest with her and tell her how hard it is for me to function without Dex. She might understand. I'm not into staying awake for days on end or that sort of thing. I just have to have them or I cannot get out of bed or avoid drinking.

Wish I could just get PRESCRIBED but it seems very hard to arrange.

 

[deficiT]

And i know it's hokey and cliche and all that, but honestly y'all I've gotten really spiritual lately and it has kinda started to turn my life and beliefs around recently, I'm genuinely a little more forgiving and patient with myself, and taking the time to meditate and/or pray, can really do a number on a bad days anxiety.

Not a sermon, just a thought. you all, please stay safe Darksiders.

 

[LordFran]

And i know it's hokey and cliche and all that, but honestly y'all I've gotten really spiritual lately and it has kinda started to turn my life and beliefs around recently, I'm genuinely a little more forgiving and patient with myself, and taking the time to meditate and/or pray, can really do a number on a bad days anxiety.

Not a sermon, just a thought. you all, please stay safe Darksiders.

meditation is so powerful that it can literally solve panic attacks. love you man, stay safe too. good message.

 

[Shady's Fox]

We all make mistakes, what matters it's to identify the factors and forgive yourself. It's not the end of the world. Take care

 

[MrsGamp]

And i know it's hokey and cliche and all that, but honestly y'all I've gotten really spiritual lately and it has kinda started to turn my life and beliefs around recently, I'm genuinely a little more forgiving and patient with myself, and taking the time to meditate and/or pray, can really do a number on a bad days anxiety.

Not a sermon, just a thought. you all, please stay safe Darksiders.

I like your thought too. I often wish spirituality would come to visit me a bit more often ... in my experience, getting straight, or straighter, because of a "spiritual experience" or conversion is something that can't be forced. It comes of its own accord - at least in my case.

The Catholic theologians call this "grace". I believe grace is when you are favoured by the Holy Spirit, without having done anything to "earn it". I believe in it. I think I have even encountered it ... but not recently.

 

[Joey]

My 1/2oz plus a gram of K and 2 hits acid is en route for this morning.. found a pretty cool cat who delivers who's been up my sleeve as an option for awhile. Just wout deliver here for less than X dollar amt 1/2oz at todays price so I wouldn't go there before. The meth is my vice, K I'll use sparingly here and there for fun, but the acid I'm saving for a special occasion. I've wondered if a strong psyhchedelic trip could benefit me at some point with all this crap going on. A total reset, so to speak.

I'm so far imagining I'll approach this situation as such with the amps..

Eat it as primary ROA, intranasal second for a quicker hit when I wake up if I decide that's what I need. No smoking and..

Absolutely no IV use. My arms are permanently marked up as it is, its too fucked up the high and it's asking for nothing but intensified habits and infection. I also have a defective heart valve which could be destroyed according to my cardiologist so this is serioriously something I need to stop doing to myself.

I drink a lot (a lot) of caffeinated beverages especially energy drinks. I need to limit this and drink much more water.

Eating. It'll be a mix of total sugary junk and also of fruits and salad type stuff before anything else. Sometimes something really sweet is all I'll eat on meth so it's better than nothing but the fruits and salad shouldnt be too tough either,

Shower and brush, shave and groom, all that shit every day. Maybe twice. It's gonna be easier on me doing this since I'm working 6 shifts a week but on my own normally on a run I'll let things slide 3-4 days sometimes. It's not as much about smells (I've never been one to get really bad BO got some filipino genes in me happening) as it is about clearer skin and feeling better about myself for doing it.

Make my bed first thing every day. Get some shit done, every day. I'm bad about this. Lots of people have stressful lives, or depressions, or whatever, and keep a clean house though so I can too.

I've dropped my term in uni and requested a leave of absence for the term after. I'll be starting over uni in January now. I had to do this I've already been too caught up in my misery and falling behind. By January I'll be somewhere to take that on with a clearer mind, using or not most likely. My school is pretty flexible, and I've cited needing to focus on my work as my reasoning. It's true enough.]]

I am already prescribed seroquel and I will be using it as I feel I need it. I'm quite familiar how seroquel can knock things down a few notches ha ha.

My workplace has an EAP and I'll look into what my uni has. There's also a program called Pieces to Pathways in toronto that can be done over the phone. It's addictions counseling geared to LGBT youths 18-29 so I (just) still fit. It's something I've wanted to go for a long time is get some LGBT based help.

I like the headphones idea a lot to drown out the voices so I'll definitely be keeping my headphones around a lot more from now on. Or just play spotify in living room more often. I play a shitload of guitar too and sing and write so I'll be spending some of my extra waking hours focusing on that as I usually do on meth.

Talk to people every day. I used to keep in contact with several close friends and family members as recently as May this year and its dropped off quite a bit. I need to keep socializing because even sober it drives me up into the shit really bad if I don't. Becomes a vicious circle of its own.

Think about the drugs as little as possible. Another reason to not smoke which is my usual number one choice. Spending hours of a high chasing a high smokin stems and shit is a total waste of time and I'm not doing it anymore.

I have a strong feeling my partner knows what I'm up to on some level already, but I'm going to have to be up front with him someday. I have to regardless of consequence. That has pretty much been said that the relationship will be demoted to friendship and I can still live here. It wouldnt change much actually except the title initially... I might be able to come back from this. Or maybe not. Either way, honestly has to be policy and sooner than later.

I need to be true to myself. I have a tendency to get pretty down and out and demoralized over my problems. I'm getting better about that over time but I need to keep getting better about that. My life is not over and my person is not wasted.

My last daily habit was around .5g a day, I want this to be a little lower and think I might aim it down to 0.25g.

I wont be taking my vyvanse while I'm on meth because there is no point. When I'm ready to stop the meth I'm going to need the extra anyway as I work down to my regular vyvanse dose (which is 70mg btw the highest which can be prescribed @BellaJewel )

I've read about wellbutrin being good for meth cravings. I'm going to try it.

All in all, I need to not just survive but make sure I perform the best I reasonably can through all of this. Try not to be sad.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Hey Alex,

Good to see you staying in contact with BL still. Also really good to see that you have a well thought out self-care plan for your meth practice. Even better to see that you are still looking into some organisations that might be able to help you. It sounds like you have not given up hope of recovery very completely. I hope you hold onto that. Meth can be a lot of fun but it certainly is not something you can build a sustainable life on. At some point you are going to have to give it away, despite what all the people on here who have been (or claim to be) at it for decades might say.

I was re-reading all your relapse posts and private messages an one thing I really want to suggest to you is that you try not to pathologise yourself as an ‘addict’ as if that is some deep-rooted core of your character, personality or identity. You may have used drugs a lot in your life and maybe having a serious commitment to meth at the moment but you are so much more than a drug user. I say this because when I was about your age, maybe a little bit younger, a drug and alcohol counsellor told my parents that I was an incurable addict. Using the disease analogy, they said I was destined to total self-destruction unless I was 100 % abstinent from all substances, ideally through the 12 Step approach. My family bought into this and pathologised me as well - for years all they could see was the addict. They judged me endlessly and considered me a moral failure.

Since all these people were boxing me in as an addict, I started to believe it myself and began to live in this terrible shame at my hopelessness and difference to normal decent people. It really poisoned my self-perception and self-esteem for many years - especially because I was a hopeless relapser no matter how many meetings I went to and no matter how hard I tried. And I tried damn hard.

Turned out years later, that I was not an addict in that sense. Rather I had mental health issues including PTSD from childhood trauma that my family was unaware of but still responsible for. So all the shame and self-loathing I felt because I kept relapsing was mistaken and pointless. Once I got my issues dealt with by psychologists and psychiatrists I was able to go for years without any major drug or alcohol problems and kept my use moderate and recreational mostly. In fact now I barely drink though back then it was a bottle of wine every night. Sure, I went on a crazy meth binge over the last several months - but that was a symptom of my unmedicated mental health condition - not evidence of my character / personality defects.

I’m not saying you are mentally ill or have unresolved trauma. We are all different. I’m just saying that whatever pattern of drug use you’ve had or still have at the moment, it does not define who you are as a person or restrict the typeof person you can be in the future if you want to.

Sorry for public deep and meaningful gratuitous advice, but I really empathise with what you are going through and a lot of it resonates with my own experience. I really want to see you living a happy and fulfilled life, whether that involves drugs or not.

 

[Joey]

Hey Alex,

Good to see you staying in contact with BL still. Also really good to see that you have a well thought out self-care plan for your meth practice. Even better to see that you are still looking into some organisations that might be able to help you. It sounds like you have not given up hope of recovery very completely. I hope you hold onto that. Meth can be a lot of fun but it certainly is not something you can build a sustainable life on. At some point you are going to have to give it away, despite what all the people on here who have been (or claim to be) at it for decades might say.

I was re-reading all your relapse posts and private messages an one thing I really want to suggest to you is that you try not to pathologise yourself as an ‘addict’ as if that is some deep-rooted core of your character, personality or identity. You may have used drugs a lot in your life and maybe having a serious commitment to meth at the moment but you are so much more than a drug user. I say this because when I was about your age, maybe a little bit younger, a drug and alcohol counsellor told my parents that I was an incurable addict. Using the disease analogy, they said I was destined to total self-destruction unless I was 100 % abstinent from all substances, ideally through the 12 Step approach. My family bought into this and pathologised me as well - for years all they could see was the addict. They judged me endlessly and considered me a moral failure.

Since all these people were boxing me in as an addict, I started to believe it myself and began to live in this terrible shame at my hopelessness and difference to normal decent people. It really poisoned my self-perception and self-esteem for many years - especially because I was a hopeless relapser no matter how many meetings I went to and no matter how hard I tried. And I tried damn hard.

Turned out years later, that I was not an addict in that sense. Rather I had mental health issues including PTSD from childhood trauma that my family was unaware of but still responsible for. So all the shame and self-loathing I felt because I kept relapsing was mistaken and pointless. Once I got my issues dealt with by psychologists and psychiatrists I was able to go for years without any major drug or alcohol problems and kept my use moderate and recreational mostly. In fact now I barely drink though back then it was a bottle of wine every night. Sure, I went on a crazy meth binge over the last several months - but that was a symptom of my unmedicated mental health condition - not evidence of my character / personality defects.

I’m not saying you are mentally ill or have unresolved trauma. We are all different. I’m just saying that whatever pattern of drug use you’ve had or still have at the moment, it does not define who you are as a person or restrict the typeof person you can be in the future if you want to.

Sorry for public deep and meaningful gratuitous advice, but I really empathise with what you are going through and a lot of it resonates with my own experience. I really want to see you living a happy and fulfilled life, whether that involves drugs or not.

I have a lot of unresolved issues in my life. I’ll give a baseline mental health assessment here with my bipolar type 2 disorder, high functioning autism, ADD, and severe depression and anxiety issues. That doesn’t really explain much though does it except some broad picture of a socially awkward roller coaster up and down and down and out. This is all true, but I’ve had and have aspects of my character and life that fall outside these diagnoses.

Focusing on my issues which drive me to drug and alcohol abuse.. firstly it’s a distinct lack of ability to be comfortable in my own skin. The old AA adage rings true. I have a lot of past traumas towards growing up in a abusive household (abuse to me mother and to me), split family, insecure housing in the sense that I was always being moved around and around which is a pattern I continue to this day. I never stay in one place longer than a year and a bit tops. I’m never settled. I’m always feeling alone, not many people have stayed in my life throughout. I should feel very fortunate for the friends and closer family I have but my life’s been painted strongly by a sense of loss and rejection. I’ve lost so many people.

The sheer interest and pleasure in drugs and alcohol itself in combination with these things, a brief summary and incomplete really, has had me running for a loop for over 15 years now. I started smoking cigarettes age 10 so I could maybe even say it’s closer to 20.

I’m a bit of an adrenaline junkie too. I really enjoyed “extreme” sports growing up, I have a bit of a need for speed in my vehicles, crashed my van going about 140km a couple years ago. Used to love bombing down a hill on a skateboard. Went on every coaster from a little kid on as soon as I was tall enough basically. I’m a rock guitarist and live performance has been a part of my life on and off for years, it’s a thrill. I’ve gone homeless by choice before and I was so happy, for awhile. One of my biggest desires right now is to get out skydiving before the season is up. Last but not least I’ve become extremely sexually promiscuous the last few years especially.

It’s all a big combo. I feel fucked up, I am neurologically atypical, my life is a mess, I’m a thrill seeker and I love the feeling of getting high or drunk regardless of what I may or may not be covering up any given day. If I’m just alone and not doing much, which is far too often honestly I just die inside with the sense of malaise or downright depression. I’ve been suicidal for years and had a serious attempt in March which very nearly succeeded, saved by paramedics.

Right now I just want to cope with my dope for awhile and just life my life the best I can. I need so much help for all of this but I can’t be in treatments and rehab and whatever forever. I’ve been through so much already, 5 rehabs inpatient for instance. I need more psychological help though. There’s shit all right now though. COVID reigns.

 

[MrsGamp]

I have a lot of unresolved issues in my life. I’ll give a baseline mental health assessment here with my bipolar type 2 disorder, high functioning autism, ADD, and severe depression and anxiety issues. That doesn’t really explain much though does it except some broad picture of a socially awkward roller coaster up and down and down and out. This is all true, but I’ve had and have aspects of my character and life that fall outside these diagnoses.

Focusing on my issues which drive me to drug and alcohol abuse.. firstly it’s a distinct lack of ability to be comfortable in my own skin. The old AA adage rings true. I have a lot of past traumas towards growing up in a abusive household (abuse to me mother and to me), split family, insecure housing in the sense that I was always being moved around and around which is a pattern I continue to this day. I never stay in one place longer than a year and a bit tops. I’m never settled. I’m always feeling alone, not many people have stayed in my life throughout. I should feel very fortunate for the friends and closer family I have but my life’s been painted strongly by a sense of loss and rejection. I’ve lost so many people.

The sheer interest and pleasure in drugs and alcohol itself in combination with these things, a brief summary and incomplete really, has had me running for a loop for over 15 years now. I started smoking cigarettes age 10 so I could maybe even say it’s closer to 20.

I’m a bit of an adrenaline junkie too. I really enjoyed “extreme” sports growing up, I have a bit of a need for speed in my vehicles, crashed my van going about 140km a couple years ago. Used to love bombing down a hill on a skateboard. Went on every coaster from a little kid on as soon as I was tall enough basically. I’m a rock guitarist and live performance has been a part of my life on and off for years, it’s a thrill. I’ve gone homeless by choice before and I was so happy, for awhile. One of my biggest desires right now is to get out skydiving before the season is up. Last but not least I’ve become extremely sexually promiscuous the last few years especially.

It’s all a big combo. I feel fucked up, I am neurologically atypical, my life is a mess, I’m a thrill seeker and I love the feeling of getting high or drunk regardless of what I may or may not be covering up any given day. If I’m just alone and not doing much, which is far too often honestly I just die inside with the sense of malaise or downright depression. I’ve been suicidal for years and had a serious attempt in March which very nearly succeeded, saved by paramedics.

Right now I just want to cope with my dope for awhile and just life my life the best I can. I need so much help for all of this but I can’t be in treatments and rehab and whatever forever. I’ve been through so much already, 5 rehabs inpatient for instance. I need more psychological help though. There’s shit all right now though. COVID reigns.

COVID reigns indeed ... I am living in one of the few "western" places not affected much yet (Western Australia). But all hell is breaking loose in the eastern states. Stage 4 lockdown in Melbourne, for example ....

Cannot imagine what it must be like in America.