Recovery My cliché recovery journal

[yubacity]

glad you're feeling alright today Rio and starting to feel like yourself and taking positive steps like doing online meetings. and yes you do need to actively watch yourself, though fuck knows how to do that. i've felt myself relapsing and badly not wanted to and still ended up using.

i'm feeling much better too after talking to my boss. my holiday, if its not cancelled due to covid, will be 5 days serious hiking in Tajikistan, which is supposed to be amazing. then i will do sightseeing in Uzbekistan and see Samarkand, Bhukara and Khiva, which are long term bucket list items for me. really want it to go ahead!!!

@yubacity- i see you debating the ethics of using prostitutes with respect to your wife. i'd like to chip in from the perspective of an ex crack whore. the vast vast majority of women who sell their bodies have been horifically sexually abused, that's why they can physically do it, they've learned to switch off mentally as a survival mechanism. in a sense, sleeping with sex workers is a continuation of that abuse, cos trust me it fucks them up when they get clean and stop. at the time i didn't have any other option to make money and was absolutely desparate, and my punters took advantage of that, a lot of them did things that were way out of line, and i had to let them cos i needed the money. i thought it wasn't exploitation cos i was getting what i wanted out of it, enough money to smoke crack almost continuously, but now i can see it was just making it easy for my addiction to get worse and worse. if you continue to sleep with prostitutes, only do things that have been pre agreed, treat them with respect, and stick to the time booked or pay for the extra.

Chin up my friend I been debating everything you just told me in my head everytime. I ask for English white woman 25 upwards preferably 30 plus and never streetwalkers. I know it still ain't right but that way I know or think I do they not sex trafficked and being 44 I won't go with a woman in her late teens and early 20s feel too wrong bit pervy. On my kid's lives, I have never disrespected any prostitute I talk to them with respect and always ask what they do and don't do first.I pay for the night or least for 3 hours minimum always have a meal with them if they are hungry even if im coked-up which used to be always I ask and make a pathetic attempt to eat or if at home have a takeaway delivered. I won't lie I like coke sex which is a good session but always ask if this ok and do you mind doing that. Half the time is spent with me and her snorting coke smoking gear or crack and the couple of times they have sent me an eastern European girl or one that doesn't look like she in her mid-20s at least I either ring them back up and say wtf or pay the money and just do drugs with her. I could not treat the women bad I am not one of those. Mostly I stick with working girls I know and ring them up direct its only if im uptown I ring agency. The amount of times i know im not even going to be able to get it up i don't spend the night trying for her to get it up I just think she be a drug buddy for the night Or try again when the brown take over.I have spent so long talking to the girls i use regularly I know there are not many women who get in the profession as their career choice Its either bad childhoods boyfriends/husbands getting them to do it or to make a bit of extra money on weekend. Chin up if you dont mind me asking by choosing an agency that charges more then the cheap ones is it better for the girls. I know the place you call takes a big cut a lot of times as much if not more then the girls make that why a lot of them say to me ring them direct or are the so called high class agencys bad aswell the girls always seem differant as in you could take them for a meal or to the hotel bar and people would not think prostitute. For me using a woman that i pay for is after getting caught with every woman ive pulled because she come to home told wife or messages on phone i discovered using prostitutes is easy to hide tracks . Im not saying i have feelings for the working girls like i do my wife its never a falling in love or caring about girls once it is over but when with them i don't want to do something they not comfortable with i not like that.

 

[yubacity]

How you doing Rio hope you enjoying the sunshine fucking lovely day. Chin up mate something you said been bugging me mate about the vast majority of whores being sexually abused. It is not that I did not know that the case with a lot but with a woman that has been sexually abused that is on the game now does being with a punter even a respectful one like me. When she will be having sex will it take her back to her childhood abuse does it seem abuse to her just like the sexual abuse she felt like a child? I know this the second question I have asked and if you don't like me asking I won't. In my mind, it was that it is just a job to her and I ain't an ugly smelly fucker so it is not like I repulse her or that I treated her like something under my shoe. I suffered bad beatings as a child and it does still bother me a lot a real lot to this day and will till they cremate me. Would hate to think that I'm already adding to her trauma as a child to me it was just her work she might hate it but I never thought of it like you just mentioned . I don't want to add to anyone's pain from sexual child abuse let alone for it to take her back to her childhood I knew a lot of working girls suffer sexual abuse as kids I watched a bbc documentary once where they followed streetwalkers in Leeds where that area streetwalking was allowed. I never picked up streetwalkers thought I was being with women who wanted to do it as a job even though they might not like to or because for drug money because I paid a premium they made good money after paying agency so it was worth their while. There i was worried about what I was doing to my wife or if people thought I was being messed up to my wife but never bothered to think I could also be reminding a prostitute and taking her back to the worse thing that can happen to another human being. As someone who has three beautiful girls himself, I feel vile and disgusted with myself to me it was just a job to them a job they might hate but a job they did because it was all that they could do to support their or husband boyfriends habit or only chance to earn a nice wedge and a living wage not just scraping by. Not once did I feel like i could be reminding them of their abuse I was always nice the only time I thought I could be making them feel like working girls when the money was given. I always knew a large percentage of working girls had been victims of sexual abuse as kids but did not know that i would be thought of as an abuser and would have to be switched off just as the fucking nonce that abused them so basically to them I am a nonce. Be honest I would rather knock one out then take someone to that dark place. The scotishone I normally go to is one that is quite open with me and she got into it because her mum was a crackhead and her dad that took over custody was so strict and would not let her go out with her boyfriend so they got on a train from aberdeen to london he fucked of after their money ran out after a few weeks she stayed and did what she did to survive and now 15 years later she still doing but because she a good looking women can work for an upmarket agency and has others like me who she lets them ring directly and even that i had to be with her a few times before she let me ring direct .

 

[Jabberwocky]

yuba the fact you actually seem to care speaks volumes. i'm happy to answer your questions. so no, doing it is not like reliving the abuse. and they don't even necessarily hate it. honestly sometimes its like the best job in the world ifyou get to have awesome sex with hot men for money. if you get given coke (was very rare for me sadly) then that certainly helps things along. even with men you aren't attracted to, if they are respectful and seem like decent enough people, you can end up having a reasonably good time with them. the ones i'm haunted by are the ones that just seemed to want to degrade me as much as possible. at the time i loved punters like that cos you got to charge a lot more money for what they wanted to do. but there was some where you'd try and say no to someone and they just ignored it. it sounds like you aren't in that camp, rather you actually view these girls as human beings and respect them as such. so though on a whole i think sex work is a way that very damaged people prolong their damage, i don't think you personally are contributing more to it.

regarding agencies etc, i don't know cos i didn't use one. i used adultwork. i never walked the streets cos where i lived in leeds a street worker was found in pieces not far away and that always haunted me. every time i got in a car with a man i didn't know i thought about that woman. it sounds like an agency provides a sense of safety to both you and the girl, i take it they actually know who you are so if there's any funny stuff they can track you down. they probably actually care about the girls welfare cos they make them a lot of money, so i think its probably a good way of getting in touch with girls, then obviously once they feel comfortable round you it is better for them to get all the money. they're the one that got you coming back! i'd probably have never got took on by an agency cos i was obviously such a mess, you can tell if someone hasn't slept for days, and i was so thin. plus once i ran out of crack i'd be asleep for days, couldn't wake up, so i was dead unreliable.

rio mate so sorry for derailing your thread, hope you are having an ok day, or ideally good! i played some guitar and video games. my stomach is fucked from the anxiety of the past few days which put a damper on tings.

 

[yubacity]

yuba the fact you actually seem to care speaks volumes. i'm happy to answer your questions. so no, doing it is not like reliving the abuse. and they don't even necessarily hate it. honestly sometimes its like the best job in the world ifyou get to have awesome sex with hot men for money. if you get given coke (was very rare for me sadly) then that certainly helps things along. even with men you aren't attracted to, if they are respectful and seem like decent enough people, you can end up having a reasonably good time with them. the ones i'm haunted by are the ones that just seemed to want to degrade me as much as possible. at the time i loved punters like that cos you got to charge a lot more money for what they wanted to do. but there was some where you'd try and say no to someone and they just ignored it. it sounds like you aren't in that camp, rather you actually view these girls as human beings and respect them as such. so though on a whole i think sex work is a way that very damaged people prolong their damage, i don't think you personally are contributing more to it.

regarding agencies etc, i don't know cos i didn't use one. i used adultwork. i never walked the streets cos where i lived in leeds a street worker was found in pieces not far away and that always haunted me. every time i got in a car with a man i didn't know i thought about that woman. it sounds like an agency provides a sense of safety to both you and the girl, i take it they actually know who you are so if there's any funny stuff they can track you down. they probably actually care about the girls welfare cos they make them a lot of money, so i think its probably a good way of getting in touch with girls, then obviously once they feel comfortable round you it is better for them to get all the money. they're the one that got you coming back! i'd probably have never got took on by an agency cos i was obviously such a mess, you can tell if someone hasn't slept for days, and i was so thin. plus once i ran out of crack i'd be asleep for days, couldn't wake up, so i was dead unreliable.

rio mate so sorry for derailing your thread, hope you are having an ok day, or ideally good! i played some guitar and video games. my stomach is fucked from the anxiety of the past few days which put a damper on tings.

Thanks for replying back chinup i appreciate it so much . Apart from cheating, i have never disrespect any women my problem is fidelity and my sex drive when not on heroin. Be truthful the only reason i use prostitutes is because it is easy to cheat and not get caught no links to come back on . I always get my drugs out can not imagine sleeping with a girl or about to and not offer none to her like she nothing i would feel selfish. Like i said a meal is offered if she not hungry its of to the bar first to have a few drinks. A packet would be put in her hand to do in the toilets while we at the bar thats why i always book a minimum of 3 hours .Thats why i use the exspensive agencies because you can take them to the bar and restraraunt and it just looks like two people out having a good time. I suppose i do it this way because i always try to make it like a date and distance it from a paid date and they getting paid well. To be truthful i have more rough coke sex with a women i have pulled because i will know by the time she in our room if she after a all night coke fuck or not. The security with agencies is really good they get dropped of and if you new to the agency they wait outside for the first few hours and the women im with has to keep ringing the driver to tell him she ok after you used them a few times they then drop her off and pick her up she just has to report back a couple of times. The older i get and most importantly with my eldest daughter now a teenager the more i question what im doing to a point where if the women not one of the 2 i use 90 per cent of the time i cant do it . Three times in a row i have called a women from the agency and not touched her sexually a mental block has developed things like this could be your daughter what are you doing you dumb fuck . So we just snort some coke i not been on heroin for year. Wait until her time booked up tip her and chop her up a big line for the road . Treat everyone with respect dont judge anyone because you dont know the cards they been dealt one good thing my old man taught me . Thanks for that chinup and rio im also sorry for diverting your thread . How your day go bruv. Chinup i do care and for the last few hours today all i could think of was i might be a nonce by association by reminding the women of her abuse and mentally be no differant then the pervert that abused her as a child . I was smoking splifff after spliff feeling like shit. Thanksfor replying today mate otherwise i was going to have a night from hell thinking all the working girls i been with even if half of them thought i was like their abuser that a lot of women who must have felt so violated and scared while im trying to get my coked up brain and cock to finish thanks mate i can now eat my bbq chicken wings i made it for my pal and me and not touch it could not eat .

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Don't worry about derailing my thread guys. it's a free-for-all!!

@yubacity like chinup said, it sounds like you actually do give a fuck, which will put you way ahead of many of the clients they get. How often have you been doing coke man?? How you been getting away with that??? Part of me is so jealous you can do shit like that and not go back on H, but I know it wouldn't be the same for me. The minute I get a bit drunk or disinhibited or a comedown hits, I'm looking for heroin. How long after quitting H was it before you did coke again?

@chinup What are you anxious about?? Work???

I had a rough day yesterday afternoon - evening, today is a little easier but still not "good". I had a lot of cravings yesterday so I went walking around the nature reserve again, but I found I couldn't escape my mind telling me to use. I'm determined not to but I'm worried this random depression that comes over me is just going to wear me down again. Staying strong for the moment though - I am now officially clean for a day longer than I have been since the start of April, so I'm pleased about that. It sucks how I can be having a good day and then all of a sudden my self-belief just fades away and suddenly I'm miserable and down for no reason, or how I can be going about my day in a GOOD mood even and then suddenly I will have the most intense cravings out of nowhere. I've been watching myself though - I'm not going down the usual rabbit-holes of "hmm, i won't score today, but if I was going to how would I get the money?" or "I'll call my dealer. If he answers, I use, if he doesn't, I don't" or any of that stupid bargaining shit I used to do, cos it all leads to the same thing.

hope you guys are doing better than I am!

 

[Rio Fantastic]

I'm gonna post some of the stupid shit that's gone through my mind in the past 24 hours. I find writing them out helps show how stupid they are.

-I should just use one more time, to say goodbye to drugs.

-I should get drunk, because after I'm drunk I won't be responsible for my actions anymore, then I can't blame myself for getting high.

-How can anyone be expected to live like this?

-Life is pointless without drugs. A normal life seems like torture. I'd rather be a junkie.

-SMART Recovery doesn't work. I should get high and then do the 12 steps instead.

To be clear, I don't actually believe any of this. It feels like when I get a craving, a part of my mind will throw up any flimsy rationalization it can cobble together to try and justify getting high. If I'm in a really bad place, I can be receptive to one of these excuses, and use it to justify getting high. The difference this time is that firstly I really want to make it work, and secondly I realize sobriety needs my complete, undivided decision. If I get high, it's because I want to get high. I can't blame it on anything else. I need to take accountability for it, not look for ways to let myself "off the hook" for tearing down what I've been trying to build these past 8 days. I'm encouraged though that I can see these thoughts for what they are - just thoughts.

Something you said @yubacity resonated with me - my brain is an organ, and that organ may be dying for drugs, but it's my legs that will have to go and get them. That was a really unique way of putting it and reinforcing that I'm in control. Doesn't matter how much my mind screams out for it or how bad I feel - I still have to make that decision, and if I remember that then I can sit through all the shit my brain will throw at me and not act on it.

 

[yubacity]

I'm gonna post some of the stupid shit that's gone through my mind in the past 24 hours. I find writing them out helps show how stupid they are.

-I should just use one more time, to say goodbye to drugs.

-I should get drunk, because after I'm drunk I won't be responsible for my actions anymore, then I can't blame myself for getting high.

-How can anyone be expected to live like this?

-Life is pointless without drugs. A normal life seems like torture. I'd rather be a junkie.

-SMART Recovery doesn't work. I should get high and then do the 12 steps instead.

To be clear, I don't actually believe any of this. It feels like when I get a craving, a part of my mind will throw up any flimsy rationalization it can cobble together to try and justify getting high. If I'm in a really bad place, I can be receptive to one of these excuses, and use it to justify getting high. The difference this time is that firstly I really want to make it work, and secondly I realize sobriety needs my complete, undivided decision. If I get high, it's because I want to get high. I can't blame it on anything else. I need to take accountability for it, not look for ways to let myself "off the hook" for tearing down what I've been trying to build these past 8 days. I'm encouraged though that I can see these thoughts for what they are - just thoughts.

Something you said @yubacity resonated with me - my brain is an organ, and that organ may be dying for drugs, but it's my legs that will have to go and get them. That was a really unique way of putting it and reinforcing that I'm in control. Doesn't matter how much my mind screams out for it or how bad I feel - I still have to make that decision, and if I remember that then I can sit through all the shit my brain will throw at me and not act on it.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Can anyone relate to this?? I try to take a little time each day - like half hour or so - to try to find inspirational stories about recovery & sobriety to give me motivation and hope (ostensibly). I just read one on TheFix (great website about recovery) about a bartender with an alcohol/coke problem. I read them with good intent but then I find myself getting more excited and vicariously entertained by the using part, about how his life was a mess when he needed lines of coke and vodka just to get out of bed than the recovery part!! My head is fucked!

 

[yubacity]

I'm gonna post some of the stupid shit that's gone through my mind in the past 24 hours. I find writing them out helps show how stupid they are.

-I should just use one more time, to say goodbye to drugs.

-I should get drunk, because after I'm drunk I won't be responsible for my actions anymore, then I can't blame myself for getting high.

-How can anyone be expected to live like this?

-Life is pointless without drugs. A normal life seems like torture. I'd rather be a junkie.

-SMART Recovery doesn't work. I should get high and then do the 12 steps instead.

To be clear, I don't actually believe any of this. It feels like when I get a craving, a part of my mind will throw up any flimsy rationalization it can cobble together to try and justify getting high. If I'm in a really bad place, I can be receptive to one of these excuses, and use it to justify getting high. The difference this time is that firstly I really want to make it work, and secondly I realize sobriety needs my complete, undivided decision. If I get high, it's because I want to get high. I can't blame it on anything else. I need to take accountability for it, not look for ways to let myself "off the hook" for tearing down what I've been trying to build these past 8 days. I'm encouraged though that I can see these thoughts for what they are - just thoughts.

Something you said @yubacity resonated with me - my brain is an organ, and that organ may be dying for drugs, but it's my legs that will have to go and get them. That was a really unique way of putting it and reinforcing that I'm in control. Doesn't matter how much my mind screams out for it or how bad I feel - I still have to make that decision, and if I remember that then I can sit through all the shit my brain will throw at me and not act on it.

Rio lets go through your thought ill even try to paragraph it or whatever the fuck I do is called


I should just use one more time a goodbye to drugs


This will not happen you know it asnd so do i how many times do we say this and we stuck by it I can understand if you on your way to rehab . But that won't happen.


You should get drunk so you not responsible for your actions

Your actions will be getting on the gear you won't even be drunk properly a can of pills be enough to get on the gear once you have had that drink you will use because you have a ready-made excuse.

How can anyone be expected to live like this?

How can anyone be expected to live the life of an addict a slave to his addictions wanting to be alone ruining relationships with loved ones for a drug that brings nothing but pain

Life is pointless without drugs. Normal life seems like torture. I will rather be a junkie

Life is a beautiful thing a very precious thing ask anyone in a cancer ward the value of life. Normal life seems pointless because you not having a normal life you are in early recovery and in pain but why go back to the brown that is what has made you feel so shit. You would not rather be a junkie because if that was the case you would not have spent all this time in pain trying to have a normal life . the only reason you going through all this hell is because normal life is a hundred times a better option. What life are you going to have a junkie. How long will it be before they start putting that fentanyl shit in the gear here and you know what will be the outcome of that a one way street to finding you dead.


Smart recovery is not working I should quit and do the 12 steps instead

Smart recovery is not shit it has been working for you. You have mentioned on here many times that when you been low and felt like using it has snapped you out of it. Try out 12 steps as well do both. But your brain is trying to say fuck smart recovery of mate its shit lets go get some gear get smashed and tomorrow we do the 12 steps tomorrow it will be your brain saying Rio bruv that a good day but i know you feel shit and guilty you dont deserve this let's use for a while and start later once this COVID dies down.

Rio my brother but everything you have said apart from smart recovery or 12 steps which I did not do I have said all that to myself I was even prepared to give up most my business to wife say see you later and the 25 percent I got left I can live on and use comfortably. That is why I say our brain is our enemy but you're the one with legs. Don't give in to it you know yourself what is happening what the brain is trying to justify but it fucked up and this is a process as shit as you feel now there is a better day ahead. Your emotions will be up and down I followed my brain yesterday and relapsed after a year. But I can't let the brain get me in the shit again I would have to get in my car drive 20 mins up the A2 and go get more pods or have to ring a pal get a number then ring that number then wait to meet up get my gear stop at shop get some foil come home to hide from my pal in garage use secretly then come in while he looks at me thinking has this cunt used lie to him while he knows im lying then confess. See what all I that shit I wrote were. They were all steps to a relapse and the steps I would take and lie to a brother about using. Stop any of those steps and I won't relapse once I worked it out like that I stayed clean until that little blip. I'm doing fuck all today bro leave messages all you want I will be here dont be shy i will keep checking here and see how you doing whatever you feel let it out i will answer. Your brain can only plant an idea your legs control where you go

 

[yubacity]

Can anyone relate to this?? I try to take a little time each day - like half hour or so - to try to find inspirational stories about recovery & sobriety to give me motivation and hope (ostensibly). I just read one on TheFix (great website about recovery) about a bartender with an alcohol/coke problem. I read them with good intent but then I find myself getting more excited and vicariously entertained by the using part, about how his life was a mess when he needed lines of coke and vodka just to get out of bed than the recovery part!! My head is fucked!

I can relate bruv in recovery i would watch youtube videos on the opiate crisis . I would watch someone iv some pills and tell their story of how they had a good life wife kids and how he threw it all away while he sitting in his tent real sad stories and when they starting to nod all i could think was He well fucked how good he must feel that fucking feeling he must be having . I would start getting restless thinking who about now to get gear off. I stopped watching them . Now a year clean apart from blip yesterday morning those same stories make me want to cry i can feel the pain now and not think wish i was that fucked thats how i know i am getting normal

 

[yubacity]

I'm gonna post some of the stupid shit that's gone through my mind in the past 24 hours. I find writing them out helps show how stupid they are.

-I should just use one more time, to say goodbye to drugs.

-I should get drunk, because after I'm drunk I won't be responsible for my actions anymore, then I can't blame myself for getting high.

-How can anyone be expected to live like this?

-Life is pointless without drugs. A normal life seems like torture. I'd rather be a junkie.

-SMART Recovery doesn't work. I should get high and then do the 12 steps instead.

To be clear, I don't actually believe any of this. It feels like when I get a craving, a part of my mind will throw up any flimsy rationalization it can cobble together to try and justify getting high. If I'm in a really bad place, I can be receptive to one of these excuses, and use it to justify getting high. The difference this time is that firstly I really want to make it work, and secondly I realize sobriety needs my complete, undivided decision. If I get high, it's because I want to get high. I can't blame it on anything else. I need to take accountability for it, not look for ways to let myself "off the hook" for tearing down what I've been trying to build these past 8 days. I'm encouraged though that I can see these thoughts for what they are - just thoughts.

Something you said @yubacity resonated with me - my brain is an organ, and that organ may be dying for drugs, but it's my legs that will have to go and get them. That was a really unique way of putting it and reinforcing that I'm in control. Doesn't matter how much my mind screams out for it or how bad I feel - I still have to make that decision, and if I remember that then I can sit through all the shit my brain will throw at me and not act on it.

Rio ill do coke with prostitutes so at the moment i go with them 3 times a week but i not always do coke maybe do coke 3 times a month. I use the coke then take a couple of valis or clonzapam to sleep. I have to stop because i do feel like doing gear but because i not got any tolerance to benzos 2 10mg valiums knock me out but yesterday proved that i have to stop because i had no valis and ended up doing pods . I have been feeling really pervy lately using working girls . The scotish one i use mostly laughs when i tell her she 35 and says only 9 years differance. But it not that my eldest daughter is 13 and i have 3 daughters in total ity feels like im disrespecting them in a way how can i show my wife and daughters love and put my head on my moms lap and feel the love of the 4 most important females in the world to me. But pay another women for sex it might be where im clean or my age i feel pervy mate . I cant do coke and stay clean i was dipping my toe in the charlie pool again and yesterday proved it not work so i will cut those things out to stay away from herion. To answer your question how long after i could do coke and not want H . I say 6 months clean but that was in the states where they not really doing heroin it that other shit so no way i touch that . So for comedown my old high school pal gave me a benzo so that worked but i stopped doing coke there becuase someone told me they also mix that with fent so stopped. Here in UK i was good doing coke few times a month and dropping some valis . I not like benzos never done it for me never got that euphoria but after yesterdays minor relapse i decided to give up coke doint think people like us who love the gear can do it . I would crave H but never acted on it after coke till yesterday

 

[yubacity]

How you doing brother hope you answer bro and not given in to your brain its Sunday go down your mums . You need a bird mate once you got your tongue in a womens fanny it will help you forget all about the brown . Writing that has given me half a stiffy see how fucking bad my sex drive is .

 

[yubacity]

Hoping yoiu have just popped out mate and not gone and got some gear if youn have used bruv earlier you stopped less the set back

 

[yubacity]

Rio my brother you ok how you holding up day 9 aint it

 

[Rio Fantastic]

Rio my brother you ok how you holding up day 9 aint it

It is day 9! Thanks for taking apart my stupid using thoughts man. It's encouraging to know you had all the same ones and still got to where you are now though, and i'm even more impressed by the fact that you went on a bender, did pods and didn't cave in and get H. It just goes to show that we are the ones in control of our actions, and we can change our habits and our lives.

When it comes to the prostitutes, I think you should either find a way to live with it and accept it or stop doing it. Don't keep doing but mentally torture yourself for it out of guilt man - that can't be healthy and won't be doing you any good. I don't think what you're doing is immoral. You having a wife & daughters doesn't really make a difference as long as they never find out, and since you take the steps to make sure that it's fully consensual, the girls are legal and not coming from any dodgy background or sex trafficked then if I were you I wouldn't be bothered at all. You're not one of these sociopaths that wants to degrade the girls and have them feel like shit or doesn't give a fuck if they're Eastern European sex slaves - you're a good guy who has an urge and is dealing with it in a way that isn't going to hurt anyone else! You should stop feeling so guilty about it.

It kind of encouraged me to know that you can use coke without going back to H, but I was also happy to hear that it took you 6 months before you could do that. I am not saying that I'm never going to drink or do other drugs again, my only aim is to stay away from heroin because I can't use that responsibly, but after a long - at least 6 months I think - period of abstinence, I want to see if I can drink moderately again (never had a problem with alcohol) or do the occasional line of coke or pill. However, I know that if my head tells me that I should try and do that NOW, it would be a disaster. I want to approach it totally differently - in 6 months I want to plan it out, have all preparations made, have a set day, time & amount, and not exceed that, and see if I can be responsible like that. I feel like that's totally different to thinking "fuck it" now and using on impulse, because then you're starting your use by giving in to a craving rather than planning it out and trying to be responsible. However, I know no matter how much I plan, I will never be able to use heroin "recreationally" again (If I ever did).

I'm feeling a little better today. Watched a film "Gia" yesterday about the worlds first supermodel who gets addicted to heroin then dies of AIDS. It was an amazing movie, and I've never seen Angelina Jolie look so gorgeous - I never got the big deal over here till I saw her in this film

Holy shit. I get the big deal now! She's gorgeous. You're right about me needing to get a girl yuba - my sex drive is coming back to life now as well, but the problem is that I've had a couple relapses in the past because things haven't worked out perfectly in relationships. I always feel like I'll be able to handle them, but then the first hint of rejection - and the stupid thing is it doesn't even have to be rejection, just me imagining it could be rejection!! I relapsed in March because I asked a girl out, she said yes on WhatsApp, I didn't see the replies and assumed she'd ignored me!!! - and I'm fucked. I gotta wait till I'm totally emotionally stable for that, which may take a while.

I've been reminding myself a lot that though these last 9 days feel like a long time, I'm still a newborn baby when it comes to sobriety. The longest stretch I've had since 2017 has been 52 days, and at the end of it that felt like a long time, but looking back it wasn't, at all. At the end of those 52 days in sobriety I was just a baby taking his first steps - I gotta remind myself how close using is, because if I let my brain exaggerate how long it's been I feel like it's "in the past" and stop worrying about relapse. Gotta keep my foot on the gas and keep going forward!!!

How you doing today @yubacity ? & @chinup, did you get anything sorted at work?

 

[yubacity]

Thanks for the advice on hookers think ill end it now one last blow job and good fuck with my Scottish favorite . S he real good rio like the led zeppelin lemon song where he sings the "way she squeeze my lemon I'm gonna fall right out of bed". This the case for me. I been with a lot of working girls since I got caught years ago over a hundred she the best. Going to miss her she a good chat and i really like her shame but it driving me mad. She will miss my 400 quid and charlie. That a rate she gives I must see her couple times a month at least that rent money for a month.


Good feeling getting sex drive mate. It your body getting back to normal I was wanking loads when mine came back 3 tugs i was done .



I would not think about coke yet way to early mate. Even if you think you be on coke have a couple of valis or any benzo you will think of heroin it stays there we like our downers. It is hard Rio even after six months iwould leave it. We love heroin and when that edgy feeling comes at the end of night all you can think of is gear. Used to love it when I was on gear non of my Punjabi mates knew I on gear. after a coke night when we all went home I would get my gear and I feel back to normal go sleep-wake they a have WhatsApp group message moaning about sleep. Thinking you can never do drugs again is such a head fuck . I did not know a drug-free life from 15 . Don't think I have to live a drug-free life we have to a heroin free life

Waiting to get a woman is a good idea not adding to much emotional stress can be fucked . Don't look like you the type that will go for a paid date. Dont do nothing to wind yourself up mate .


You doing good pal keep your foot on the gas. Congratulate your self rio

 

[yubacity]

Had massive fight with my wife today . Not my fault Rio i feel a bit shit and my voice gone a bit weird which it used to when i use. Just a bit crocky so the whole facetime she kept asking or leading to gear fucked me right off . I took it then just asked wtf . She kept saying just tell me truth we sort it. It ended with me calling her a cunt. The urge and craving for gear was mad my brother feeling better now but a tough few hours but i fought them. What is it with gear that gets in to our bones fucking cunting drug

Good thing on netflix called rekoning . I heard about the supermodel who died if aids will watch it try kill the ewhhole day bro

 

[Rio Fantastic]

@yubacity - believe me, with how horny I get after coming off gear the only thing thats prevented me getting a paid date is that I can't pay for it, not that I'm in any way against it, hahaha.

That sucks about your wife. Good job you didn't go down the road of using afterwards tho - I've been there, accused of being on H and being so pissed off about it that I think "well if they're gonna accuse me of it anyway then I might as well just get on it" but its a self-defeating and stupid mindset, so I'm really glad you didn't go down that road.

I've got a challenge coming up tomorrow. A mate is coming up to stay with our mutual friend down the road from me to do his detox off heroin. The last time he was here I was using and he'd told our friend he was going to detox at his, but really he'd just been kicked out of the house he has with his wife, so he was coming to mine almost every day, buying drugs and sharing them with me and bullshitting our mate. A couple weeks ago when I was still using he was planning on coming up here to do his detox properly, but wanted to have one last session with me because I can get way better deals than he can get where he lives, so he was gonna stop by here for a few hours, get on it, then go to my mates to be locked in for his detox.

I'd totally forgotten about our plan till he messaged me today. I told him I'm 9 days clean, and that I wouldn't turn him away - this guy bought me so much drugs when I was using that I feel its the least I can do to help him out - but that I'd appreciate if he used in another room and didn't offer me any. I'm feeling nervous about having it right in front of me though and I'm scared I'll break and ask him for a hit. He's gonna be borrowing my old pipe (I told him he could keep it) to smoke crack and will be shooting heroin in the next room. Wish I could bail on this situation now but the plans are made already. I've told him not to give me any though no matter what I say and he's said that's fine. I have this sinking feeling in my chest like I'm going to end up using, but I'm trying to be strong and push it away. I've been sober and had people offer me crack before and turned it away, but tomorrow is going to be the ultimate test. If I can get through tomorrow without using, then I know I can stay clean, since it's not gonna be harder than tomorrow ever again!!

 

[yubacity]

@yubacity - believe me, with how horny I get after coming off gear the only thing thats prevented me getting a paid date is that I can't pay for it, not that I'm in any way against it, hahaha.

That sucks about your wife. Good job you didn't go down the road of using afterwards tho - I've been there, accused of being on H and being so pissed off about it that I think "well if they're gonna accuse me of it anyway then I might as well just get on it" but its a self-defeating and stupid mindset, so I'm really glad you didn't go down that road.

I've got a challenge coming up tomorrow. A mate is coming up to stay with our mutual friend down the road from me to do his detox off heroin. The last time he was here I was using and he'd told our friend he was going to detox at his, but really he'd just been kicked out of the house he has with his wife, so he was coming to mine almost every day, buying drugs and sharing them with me and bullshitting our mate. A couple weeks ago when I was still using he was planning on coming up here to do his detox properly, but wanted to have one last session with me because I can get way better deals than he can get where he lives, so he was gonna stop by here for a few hours, get on it, then go to my mates to be locked in for his detox.

I'd totally forgotten about our plan till he messaged me today. I told him I'm 9 days clean, and that I wouldn't turn him away - this guy bought me so much drugs when I was using that I feel its the least I can do to help him out - but that I'd appreciate if he used in another room and didn't offer me any. I'm feeling nervous about having it right in front of me though and I'm scared I'll break and ask him for a hit. He's gonna be borrowing my old pipe (I told him he could keep it) to smoke crack and will be shooting heroin in the next room. Wish I could bail on this situation now but the plans are made already. I've told him not to give me any though no matter what I say and he's said that's fine. I have this sinking feeling in my chest like I'm going to end up using, but I'm trying to be strong and push it away. I've been sober and had people offer me crack before and turned it away, but tomorrow is going to be the ultimate test. If I can get through tomorrow without using, then I know I can stay clean, since it's not gonna be harder than tomorrow ever again!!

Bruv tell him to go fuck politely you got a relapse coming almost guarenteed . Your 10 days clean bruv you in no position to have someone use at yours no fucking way. Listen bruv I know he your mate he wants to detox good but you 10 days in having him at yours for his goodbye to drugs its guarenteed a mental head fuck . At the very least stay at your mum's for 1 night tell her whats up say just a night or go to a premier inn or something .Please bruv you know I'm not lying we know our addictions. My pal that rents my house he uses but keeps room locked and wont give me any and a former amateur boxer who would end up knocking me out thats how i can stay with a heroin addict plus he would tell my wife she knows him well. But that not case with you your pal will give u somr

 

[yubacity]

Rio don't do it bruv you only 10 days in. I know your mate about to detox to get of gear but you only10 days inyourself. Watching him get fucked will do you in if you knew the cravings I would get just seeing my mate nodding even though he would cook up and using in another room I would beg for just a bit to put on the foil. We even had a punch up because it drove me mad. Now he would not give it to me he a stubborn fuck and once i said im done that was that. Now can you guarantee your pal will be that strong. Come on bruv you know what be going through your head if he using in another room. Listen bruv you get through your last record of 56 days I will send you money for a session with a brass I promise even when I'm in the states you will have my number I'm going to get yours and ash number before I go. That is a promise from me you beat your previous best I will pay for a 2-hour session with a working girl of your choice I can even recommend a really good Geordie lass in the Birmingham area. Beautiful women great personality and she working of her own free will is clean just be nicely groomed and clean which I do not think be a problem with you have a shower afterwards and walk out of there feeling light and fucking great. Or pick one woman who you like but make sure she not eastern European or Russian. I don't want to put money in sex traffickers pockets to me that is rape the girl not want to be there and is imprisoned then we are contributing to the problem and causing more women to be trafficked here. I have a thing about good looking women from Newcastle area that accent just fucking gets my dick hard. This woman is a stunner so I'm not getting you a cheap one this will cost me a bit but if it gives you a goal it is worth it. You have been good to me bruv helped me in more ways then you know. That be better then a keyring you would get from NA on being 2 months clean trust me you do this the minute you see her you will say thanks. I don't go to any women I got a sexy woman at home and will not downgrade when paying outside the home.