If I might make a suggestion, Cosmic Charlie, in the most friendly and least judgemental way possible, don't want to seem like I'm always banging on about this, obviously I don't really know what's best for anyone, myself included. But reading your recent struggles I was reminded of something you said a few pages ago so went to dig up the quote...
Personally I don't do any sort of talk therapy aside from dumping some of the shit that's on my chest in social threads on Bluelight.
Is it possible these things might be related?
While just trying to do certain drugs less is a good policy if you know they're having a negative effect, in and of itself it's really just a way to avoid fucking yourself up too much in the short term while you look for a long term solution. There's usually a reason behind everything we do that precedes all reason and rationalisation for our behaviours, and most of us only have a limited reserve of willpower to allocate to simply trying not to do certain things that in actual fact we really do want to keep doing. It's possible to prop up this willpower with various psychological tricks of course, and I include developing other more classically positive habits to replace the negative ones in this category of psychological trickery. Some people manage to do this their entire lives without ever seeking any help, but almost everyone
could benefit from some kind of outside help. I was going to say "would" benefit, but in actual fact that's not true, not everyone will benefit, unfortunately, but everyone could, so in my view that means it's usually worth a try, because you can't know until you try.
The required lessons can be learned in other ways of course, some people just chance upon some kind of calling or overriding motivation that really resonates with them on a deep enough level that it's easy to quit destructive behaviours, but such motivations usually aren't easy to discover intentionally, and the things that we think should motivate us to change in certain ways, such as our relationships, family, work, or just the possibility of feeling mentally OK more often - are usually not sufficient motivators to subvert the pre-rational mechanisms that underlie addictive behaviours. Thus the need to figure out a way to psychologically manipulate our own irrational human brains - and this is something therapy can help us to learn.
I will just add that while you work your way through this by whatever route you choose to do so - just as you have asked us not to judge you, I would ask you not to judge yourself.
You mentioned feeling guilty, which is of course a natural emotional response, but in actual fact you haven't done anything fundamentally
wrong, and the machinations of fate that lead you to this present moment were ultimately not things that you decided or, really, had any control over, even if you might look back at decisions you made and feel you could have done something differently, this feeling, IMO, is an illusion, and it's important in moments of struggle to recognise it as such.
So yeah, try not to beat yourself up about this. If you'll permit me to continue my lesson in pop-psychology from my perspective as someone who knows very little about what it's like to actually be you
- I would also suggest trying not to identify with your emotions.
You are not sad - you are feeling - or, rather, experiencing - sadness.
You are not scared - you are experiencing fear. The distinction might not seem relevant, and even if it does seem relevant, it is usually not easy to appreciate. But all these feelings - including feeling trapped, feeling addicted, and feeling powerless over it - are things that we experience, not things that we
are - and if we can recognise this, as mere surface detail, and nothing more than curious textures on the boundary between our inner self and the screen through which we watch reality unfold - then it can be easier to recognise feelings of guilt and self judgement as the temporary illusions that they are.
Indeed, our entire past and any events in it that we feel guilty
about is itself just another texture on the landscape of mind, even if this texture is less transient than the fleeting and ever-changing textures of our emotions. This moment is all there is - and as such, the only thing you really know is that
you are a timeless being of limitless potential, dropped into the ever flowing sea of eternity
at this moment, with an apparent transcendent agency over your future whether it is already written or not. So IMO, there's every reason to be optimistic, I'm sorry to hear of your suffering now but I have no doubt you have it in you to figure it out, and I wish you the best of luck in doing so.
I dunno if any of that stuff really helps, again, of course, I don't really know what it's like to be you - no-one does - and I haven't experienced what you've experienced, or are experiencing - not exactly anyway. But this is the kind of stuff that helps me to think about when I'm struggling, so I share it with the hope that it might help you also. Much love and again, best of luck to you in navigating this strange old road that is life, existence, and figuring out the mystery of Being.
