When will I feel normal
- Thread starter yubacity
- Start date
I would like to thank the people on here that helped through the hardest thing i have done in my life. After a year and a half of withdrawls relapse i have finally become normal. Have been clean for months . I will say after all the pain heroin caused me there is something about it that gets into you and stays there. Life is good at the moment its down to me to keep it that way
Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
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- Nov 3, 1999
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- 84,998
awesome!! well done man. huge huge congrats, its not easy. i hope you're proud of yourself.
Thanks for that mate . Truth be told i am proud of what i did. I was the hardest thing i think anyone can go through. First the torture of detox then the mental hell fatigue depression. Say that i still do crave heroin but its just not worth the pain.Stay well my friend
oldhippytony
Bluelighter
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- Mar 23, 2012
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Congrats yubacity.
In February of last year, on page 1 of this thread, I wrote: "I had been clean for almost 2 decades and the thought of using opiates still arose from time to time."
Never let your guard down. Addiction is sneaky. Its patience knows no limits. While my addiction would prefer me dead, it is perfectly satisfied when I am downhearted, miserable, lonely, angry, or in any anguished mental state. Eventually, in such a state I will find it necessary to get high again, which only draws me closer to death.
Again congratulations and best to you.
In February of last year, on page 1 of this thread, I wrote: "I had been clean for almost 2 decades and the thought of using opiates still arose from time to time."
Never let your guard down. Addiction is sneaky. Its patience knows no limits. While my addiction would prefer me dead, it is perfectly satisfied when I am downhearted, miserable, lonely, angry, or in any anguished mental state. Eventually, in such a state I will find it necessary to get high again, which only draws me closer to death.
Again congratulations and best to you.
Two decades clean congrats bruv . I hope i can say that one day i will be a pensioner by then. You are right its what i explain to my wife that this drug heroin gets in your bones. I dont think i will ever be free from its grip. I dream im doing the gear all the time and as soon as i feel low or sad its there in the background . But i have control now i dont take the steps that lead me to relapse. I dont rationlise in my head that its ok im doing well ill just do it once i deserve it. Thats how every relapse with me starts . Stay strong my bro we know how much better life without gear is . We lucky we got out some of our friends never did.
Sorry ash just been so busy im either in uk or us so sick of traveling but it is what it is .How are you my dear dear friend.
NeverHaddaChance
Bluelighter
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- May 31, 2017
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I know this is a really old post on a long thread, but I have never felt less alone because of this wisdom. I have always been "too smart for my own good" in the sense of doing the research and changing things for myself. I came up with a plan to stop using meth after self-medicating my ADD/MDD turned into purely a negative, dry well. Despite having the awareness of what I needed to do I felt trapped in fear of the treatment that I would recieve from those closest to me. And what do you know, laying in the ER with high ICP, bulging arteries, and bruising at the base of my skull (confirmed by my own mother, I wasn't delusional I was slowly dying) the doc passified me with unfullfilled promises to perform reasonable tests and the nurse asked me why I couldn't just smoke weed... Before telling me that I was wasting their time, and they weren't here to help people like me. I saw very little compassion, when a kind word or someone to really listen would have truly made the difference.
I too saw treatment as a negative option. To me, there's nothing that would make me want to be numb more than being institutionalized. Losing that much control when I know that I can do it myself more comfortable, with less suffering... I mean, by all means what works for one doesn't work for all- but the narrow minded conformity to someone else's plan for what you need without considering your own context only spells failure compared to what I know has worked in the past and the wise words of the many helpful, brilliant people here.
I still managed to recover, with one sub-recreational relapse meant to help my brain remember the pain my experience knew. Rather than an institution, I chose the basement of my parents when my husband rejected me like some sort of monster. My dad was an actual monster, and being there (literally hearing his overweight stomps, loud demands, and slamming doors) was a constant reminder of waiting to escape memories of long term horrific abuse the day 18 came. I laid in my teen brother's bed, staring at a shotgun propped behind his door and shells in the nightstand. When I'm not depressed, I'm still casually suicidal - sorta die-curious. For 8 days I kept myself from ending one of the top 5 most painful moments of my life. Little compares to knowing you survived without your baby, home, car, any money, and everyone rooting against you. My own mother didn't believe in me, it took 3 days for her to stop checking if I'd ran away when I wanted to be done and had no intention of going back.
Normal begins when you decide it does. It's not instant, it's really crappy to not be able to flip the switch and have results. It has helped me to look at it as a journey more than purely a state of functioning. I hope that by sharing my story someone else will feel less alone in the weird void of trying to reclaim normalcy and peace of mind.
**Not a treatment professional, just a girl with fluctating self destructive tendencies and creativity in my methods. I have lots of bad ideas if anyone needs one
Mistressofitness
Bluelighter
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- Sep 18, 2018
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Hey TravisBickle23 & Stargazer! Did either of you ever start a thread? But first, I should really be saying way to go to Yubacity who started this thread- I just read thru a lot of it today and it's like reading a gut-wrenching book My heart sang to see the good news about you Yuba... forgive me for skimming it over as it was 37 pages, but I skipped thru a bit cuz I needed to know how you were doing! I'm fairly new on here, as far as being active, also struggle with opiates. It was amazing to see you to continue to try and try. You didn't give up, and I hope you never do no matter what. It's so surreal reading through these threads...you really start to route for people in your head and hear yourself saying out loud "hey man, stay strong!!! you can do it"....then "fawwwwwwwwk noooo" ---you want to wrap your arms around someone when they fall, hug them and help them get back up, as you hear them say shit like, "I"m weak" or "whats wrong with me" etc, meanwhile you are in exactly the same boat. We aren't weak- the problem is that opiates are freakin supernaturally powerful- they pull with such a force that no mere mortal (who enjoyes the affects) can withstand it alone ... This opiate crisis ain't for the faint at heart and there is a reason it's labelled a crisis. Anyhow... I'm curious to hear from you TravisBickle23 -I hope you are doing ok and being good to yourself.... After this I"m going to poke around to see if you started a thread yet...and if I"m feeling courageous, I'll start one... Cuz man, I too could use some ongoing help with this demon...and have been already helped by what I have read here and in other's posts. Hope springs eternal. Bluelight is quite special.
Mistressofitness
Bluelighter
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- Sep 18, 2018
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Amazing
Thanks for your kind words my friend. You nailed it when you said opiates have a supernatural hold on us. I am so glad i found this site and started the thread. Im someone who cant open up in person but i could lay it all out here. Im still clean sometimes its easy and sometimes like last night its a fight to contain the cravings. Stay stong my friend we have the ultimate control
Rio Fantastic
Bluelighter
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- Feb 19, 2009
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I'm so happy for you, bro! I'm day 5 on just bupe and have just come out of a huge relapse, but hearing that you have managed to stay sober is really inspiring! I hope one day I'll be as far along as you are, it's so great to hear you stuck with it!
How you doing my brother . You had a bad relapse dont worry about it . Start again its a fucker but you will get through it keep going you will get there. Are you going to maintain or taper off
How long was your relapse rio
somnilicious
Bluelighter
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- Jul 31, 2012
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You are definitely an inspiration and you are right about getting back up. You relapsed so many times and look at where you are at now. I have had to restart so many times but I will never give up. I have been a heroin addict for 20yrs. I am also 5 days clean but I wasn't strung out. I have been periodically relapsing. It does have a super natural pull but I'm absolutely tired of this sleepwalk dance.
Thanks for coming back And sharing your hope. I have alot of respect for you and what you have accomplished. Congratulations for your freedom and new life.
somnilicious
Bluelighter
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- Jul 31, 2012
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Unfortunately our beloved Stargazer is dead from I believe an aneurysm a day after using. Bless her heart and soul. She lives on through the love and wisdom she shared here. Here thread is in the shrine.
I made a recovery journal called "Back on the Sober Wagon" but it is a long rambling mess, that covers several years of sobriety attempts. I'm 5 days clean again but I wasn't strung out, as I have been periodically using. I just can't seem to escape this hell. I have been a heroin addict for 20yrs and I have decided to start microdosing LSD every couple of days to overcome the never ending PAWS that envelopes me Everytime I get clean. My recovery has been a very long, difficult, arduous path that has been full of success and failure. It has been 2steps forward 1step back but I keep pushing forward. Welcome to Sober living.
How you doing mate . It is good news when we get sick of the dance . 20 years is a long time but so easily done i did 13 myself . Once you know in yourself that you had enough that is the start to a normal life. I will be honest last night out of the blue i felt like some gear then i started explaining my relapse to myself but i stopped it there. It can be done i think relapses are a part of recovery as long as you pick yourself up think fuck it and start again. I dont think its freedom because this demon is always in the background . Stay strong it is so worth it .
Rio Fantastic
Bluelighter
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- Feb 19, 2009
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since mid august till 6 days ago. I invited a friend who uses to move in with me, which stopped the usual financial limits that stopped me from just carrying on. This time I just kept using until I was literally at the brink of everything collapsing around me - my job, my family, even facing eviction - and then managed to pull myself back. There was a time I was entertaining the thought of becoming a homeless heroin addict in fucking November. Thank God I've come to my senses.