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April Recovery Thread

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madness00 said:
After a minor slip up, stopping drugs, again, because I want a better life, full of natural excitement. I also start a new job today, with an hourly wage above my previous job. Going on a vacation this Sunday.. Don't have enough money to go out every night, but going to wear my high school hat and have a real fun, goofy and exciting time. God fuck me if i spend this vacation watching TV. Hell no bro we're going to the beach to drink, blasting tunes, dancing in the house, tanning out in the back yard, smoking weed on the hammock, posting nudes on BL, going for a joy ride, visiting Old Man Jenkins, playing "who's in my mouth?", watching the Celtics play-off games (this is not up for debate), meeting new people, cooking meals, youtube karaoke, etc. etc.
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LOLLLLLL i'm glad you have it all figured out
p.s. we aren't watching the celtics :p
 
I used heroin for the first time in a year yesterday. It had been building up for awhile I guess. Im not going to like invent reasons or anything. I just wanted to get out of my head for awhile. It was nice. I threw up like it was my first time. Being in sober living made it weird cause I had to go to a 12 step meeting with the group in a van. So hard not to puke everywhere. I threw up at the meeting which was funny as fuck at the time.

I hate this 12 step shit. It makes me want to use as a fuck you. God's not real. If he was he's certainly not coming to save me. He sure as fuck hasn't in the past. I dunno Im just over this situation. I'm kind of over life in general. I just want to fade out into oblivion
 
I also am an atheist. The universe will help those who help themselves though. If you want a different life ("better" might underscore the true meaning of life and what not) it's out there for you.

I was over life in general just like a week or two ago and now I'm feeling on top of the world. Life has its ups and downs. Hang in there buddy. You'll have an up-swing before you know it.
 
Cj, man that had to be awkard. Being in sober living were your peers suspicious of you being high? Lol, I dont mean to laugh but I just have this image of this guy being high off his balls in a meeting, puking, saying "I'm ok!. I swear I'm not high!!!.

I gotta agree with capt about life having ups and downs. On drugs you Pretty much feel one way all the time. Now that I'm 22 days off opiates I'm reminded of how true this is. Not every day is a good but just 1 good day can make up for a week of bad days.

i've spent my entire adult liife plus some teenage years on opiates and I'm not sure if what I'm feeling is just regular adult life, my new "normal", or things sill change with time.
 
That line from Fight Club is very telling when it says along the lines of reaching only moments of perfection. Drugs can give you the illusion of sustained perfection, but it's just a feeling. It's not authentic. From an outsider's perspective, the person afflicted is suffering deeply.

Had a moment of perfection recently and was very fun.
 
mtop2036 said:
Cj, man that had to be awkard. Being in sober living were your peers suspicious of you being high? Lol, I dont mean to laugh but I just have this image of this guy being high off his balls in a meeting, puking, saying "I'm ok!. I swear I'm not high!!!.

I gotta agree with capt about life having ups and downs. On drugs you Pretty much feel one way all the time. Now that I'm 22 days off opiates I'm reminded of how true this is. Not every day is a good but just 1 good day can make up for a week of bad days.

i've spent my entire adult liife plus some teenage years on opiates and I'm not sure if what I'm feeling is just regular adult life, my new "normal", or things sill change with time.
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It was super awkward. I honestly don't know how I pulled it off. Luckily it was a big meeting with like 60-70 people in a large church. So I just got lucky and no one important saw me puking. But lots of people saw me fighting the nod. I don't know no one said anything though. We had our normal drug test yesterday and no one was suspicious so I just substituted my clean piss. Life goes on I guess.

It's created a weird thing in my head though. Trying to act excited about recovery when all I'm thinking about is getting high again sucks. I'm going to be more careful going forward. Only use at night when I can lay down and not be bothered.
 
A lot of us want to get through recovery but still have slip ups. It is weird, I know. A lapse isn't technically a relapse so you're still good to go. I'm the kind of person who cannot merely "lapse" on opiates, I go all out and want to keep using until re-addicted. Lame, I know. It's why I know i cannot use them anymore, ever again.

Try to have some passions, hobbies, aspirations that don't involve drugs, it helps a lot. You're a smart guy and I imagine it wouldn't be too hard for you to get back into the groove of real life stuff.

I'm doing alright today, all things considered and hope you all are too!
 
I woke up feeling * a lot * better from physical pain and what not. Looking forward to a very fun day. Oh my god. Stomach = boiling with excitement.
 
cj be careful man. i'm glad it felt nice and that you didn't get caught.

everyone at na assures me if i ever use again it feels awful but they have an agenda.

hope your day was indeed fun CH.

i feel like a fucking train wreck about to happen.
 
What's up everybody?

I'm doing alright, 9 days clean/sober from a relapse in which I was ready to say fuck drug court and go on the run but turned myself in and just had to do 6 days in the county. The problem is I have trouble staying motivated and I've already fucked up twice and haven't been on Drug Court for that long so they're pretty much convinced that I'm not serious and am going to fail.

Also now they are putting me on that SCRAM bracelet which detects ethanol use since that's what I relapsed on and is basically my DOC.(Not really but ends up being due to availability and other factors) Which is completely ridiculous because I get random 12 panels which have ETG on them.(ethyl glucuronide, ethanol metabolite that can be detected for up to 80 hours) But they have their bullshit reasons which are probably covering for other reasons mainly money and their relationship with the provider. And it cost me 8 dollars a day and I have to have it on for most likely 90 days. And even with all that I still wouldn't give a fuck except for the fact that I'm not going to be able to swim until it's off and that's one of my daughter and my favorite activities once the summer hits. So I don't even care for myself, but now I'm going to have to tell her that I can't go in the water because I have this stupid bracelet on. FUCK MY LIFE!!!!!! I feel like such a fucking idiot.

But I am trying to stay focused on what I am trying to accomplished which is stay clean and sober and live a better life and also to avoid prison and get these felonies to stay off my record which finishing Drug Court will accomplish but I just want to be like fuck it so bad sometimes because it's so much shit to do and it's lack of freedom and it seems like no matter what I do good I get no credit but as soon as I fuck up they're all over me. If I didn't have a kid and a father sick with cancer and other family members who need me it would be alot easier to say fuck it and just do the time. Plus, trying to get a job with a bunch of class 2 felonies on my record wouldn't be very much fun. Sorry for rambling had to vent.
 
chinup said:
cj be careful man. i'm glad it felt nice and that you didn't get caught.

everyone at na assures me if i ever use again it feels awful but they have an agenda.

hope your day was indeed fun CH.

i feel like a fucking train wreck about to happen.
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Sorry to hear you're feeling bad. What's bothering you if you don't mind me asking?
 
Captain.Heroin said:
There's something special about you though, man, and it makes all the difference between us and the pile of corpses that ended up overdosing. They were someone's brothers, mothers, fathers, sisters. They were someone's loved ones. We're still here, breathing and living our lives. Don't underestimate that. Think about all the times we could have unintentionally overdosed, or we could have succeeded at a suicide attempt: fact is, we didn't.

Don't give up so easily buddy.

I still want to kill myself a lot but the thoughts are basically gone, which is amazing because I only foresaw it getting worse, not better.

I'm finding a lot of meaning and joy in work, education, "other people" (I couldn't get that out without quotes mark cj; you know me, you know that was a joke) but it's true. I think I'm starting to come "full circle" back to what it was all meant to be about. Having good times, making good friends, telling some good stories and hearing some even better ones from other people. Wondering what we're all really here for on planet Earth, struggling with absurdism and finding acceptance in the lack of meaning in our continual pursuit of it. You know?

I meet a lot of people who are deeply intelligent and are struggling, paycheck to paycheck, and a lot of them have pieced their lives together after disaster, addiction, prison or what not. I think you have to realize there's an unfathomably large number of people in our very situations. If "very few" of us make it, that's still a lot of people who get out of this mess. You can't think of "very few get out of this" and think your odds are numbered low. It's not like that. It's just that there's a lot of dead bodies along the way, a lot of incarceration and a lot of relapse. You don't have to follow other people's mistakes, you can be a leader in doing what's right for your life.

Always believe in yourself, at the very least because I do. The average person is a moron and you've got your head screwed on right. That means a LOT in this world.
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Thanks H, This is excellent!!
 
Thanks. I'm having a fantastically blissful day and am going to be playing video games and relaxing. :)
 
Glad to see read your doing so well Captian I hope this lasts forever for you. Im 30+ days in . Still feel terrible but better.
 
Been mostly sober for 3 months or so. I say mostly because I'll still drink like twice a month if that. Does anyone else here indulge once in a while that's had a problem with alcohol or substances? I believe it can be done, you just gotta be honest with yourself if it's still a problem or not. I know for a fact I don't want to go back to being a drunk, plus I've probably cheated death enough for one lifetime.
 
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RDP89 said:
Sorry to hear you're feeling bad. What's bothering you if you don't mind me asking?
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I dunno. i have an entire thread of me moaning so maybe there's an explanation in there.

i think it comes down to the fact that i really like heroin. i could make excuses and say i'm self medicating for cptsd, and wouldn't technically be lying. but fundamentally i just love the dark.
 
totach said:
Glad to see read your doing so well Captian I hope this lasts forever for you. Im 30+ days in . Still feel terrible but better.
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I have ups and downs and shit. I thought I'd be happy for a while but I'm stoically accepting this is just part of the "now" and there will be more good times ahead.

Still kind of happy. I just wish I was this happy more often and there were less low points, I guess that's what I've got to work on.

Chinup: You probably are self-medicating though. After I got off bupe and heroin and all opiates, etc. I saw how badly my mind was without it and how I didn't recover from the depression, panic, nightmares, anxiety, etc. and I got professional help for those issues. It might not even feel that way. For me, it felt like I just really liked heroin and wanted to never stop the madness. I was self-medicating though and I know that in hindsight. Hindsight is always 20/20.

I don't want to say THAT you are, because you know, I guess there's a possibility you're not, but keep that in mind it is a possibility and it doesn't have to feel that way for it to be true.

It's not a bad thing to self-medicate. Some of us wouldn't survive in a world without a crutch during our darkest moments. Just give yourself time to explore the issue and figure things out.
 
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