I have been avoiding bluelight beause I just won't do drugs anymore.
Loneliness is a motherfucker though. It was either this or I was about to get on Reddit and just be outraged all night. Lol.
I haven't had any benzos for about a month. I basically quit (an almost year long taper using diclazepam, starting with ~8-9mg/day), but kept waking up having panic attacks. This was leading to dosing etizolam to go back to sleep. Ugh, that monkey just did not want to get off my fucking back.
About three weeks ago I just came home from work and threw every substance of any type I still had in the trash (after opening the containers and dumping them so I couldn't retrieve in the morning.) I was just like "Dude, what the fuck are you doing with your life. You will never get what you want this way, there is only so far you will progress, it's just a fucking trap". I was at like 1g of concentrate/bho a day, which made certain things better but left me a mindless mess. Using san pedro as a daily (months long) microdose helped me think through a lot of things, but it was still a trap. Like taking a mixture of psychedelics and dissociatives and saying "I want to wake up and know who I am, where I came from, and meet some motherfuckers too". That shit put me in the hospital and prison (seperatly). Lol. It's kinda hilarious when I think about it, but really just sad that i kept doing it over and over.
The benzos are gone though and I never want to touch another one again. I'd just about rather kill myself. I've actually started dreaming again. it's been a long looooooong time for that. I actually woke up and was like "HOLY FUCK did I just have a dream? I need to write it down". I tossed Sananga and rapeh snuffs too. Perhaps that wasn't totally neccesary, but it kinda feels like it was.
I found some article about carnivore (meat only) diet healing disease. I had been vegetarian since 2013 and vegan for a few months. I thought that sounded completely stupid, so of course I had to research it. Read about inflamation being the root cause of pretty much every disease. Read a lot o people describing the same symptoms I've had for over a decade being cured in a month of eating nothing but beef,salt,water. Fuck it, I will try anything twice. Been eating this way about 2 1/2 weeks, and I feel different. Stopped blowing out a ton of yellow mucus everyday. I can actually breathe again. Pains I've had all up and down the left side of my body seem to be receding. I almost feel "sane". Sitting here wondering how much of my mental health issues are related to infection and inflamation, mold and the like. I need to go get a root canaled tooth (that has been infected since the crown got put on) extracted, and see if any of my fillings/dental work needs to be removed. Trying not to be upset/shamed at all the unnessary dental work I've had over the years. Liars and cheaters inflicting pain for $$$$. Oh well, fuck it.
I have been writing again. Trying to figure out how to actually love myself. It's hard when your life story (so far) is just how much you managed to fuck around and not die. It's getting easier when I look at it from the perspective of I CHOSE to do all these things. It was planned before my life began, and there was a reason. I have been through so much shit, I am wayyyyy more empathetic to all sorts of people that I would NEVER have been otherwise. Once I manage to help myself, I know I will be able to help a lot of other people. Not sure how yet, but that doesn't seem to matter all that much. dariusforoux.com/ . I have been listening to a lot of this guys podcast, he has a lot of really helpful advice.
I read a few people wondering where TNW has been. I googled his name and didn't see any obits... :-/
I've read more than a few pages of post here mentioning being 33. I think Headphones asked if it was a good idea to pursue a chemistry degree at 33? Why the fuck not? I'm 33, and I refuse to accept there is anything I can't do if I want too. Remember, the majority of this world is lies and bullshit. Just go with what feels true to you.
Reading through the last few months of PD Social Threads has me like "man I love DPT. Man I Love MXE"
Reading a Pm I sent to someone about one of the last times I tried to trip. Looks like I combined 4-6 chemicals and blacked out. What in the good fuck. It's time to just sit here and do this shit manually instead of "cheating".
"I think I need to lay off holing/tripping for a while. Last three trips I just straight dose and blackout. It's the weirdest thing. Like my body is saying "you don't need to be doing this stop fucking around you moron". I always come too barely moved from my bed w/ minimal damange. I wastged like 100mg 4 aco dpt, some met I think, 50mg mipt, 60mg dpt, lots of dck. I'd have to look at my notes. No matter how off the rails I go. I usually writedown what I'm doing. Might have even but some 2cx in. "
;-)