Positive The Tapering Supportive/Social Thread

[ShroomySatori]

It did take as much courage as cancelling my oxycodone script, but I haven't abused opiates at all since then. This had to stop. The peaks and troughs of short acting benzos used long term heavily drive people to madness.

Painful one I have used klonopin before. It is not called that here, clonazepam. I used to get them illicitly because they were the best anxiety med but unable to be prescribed it. Or I would trade with anxiety ridden friends for valium. But it was always my preference... it just takes a while to start working.

I will have to wait about a week and the next couple months as I transition to long acting benzos is not going to be easy. However, (and yes God bless her that's a massive dose even from a psych ward or hospital) the klonopin will start working better each day and once she gets her head back on her shoulders, I can probably add in the xanax.

I have realized profoundly today that I am no longer interested in using drugs recreationally. I am also considering no longer using them medicinally, as a longer term goal. However, dropping acid or mdma or something like that is senseless to me now. I was not like that before, but I have been since things got really bad the past year. This is a really positive thing, it means no weed as well. I speak of abstinence, not to get ahead of myself.

Ash, that was a lot of trust to ask for. Pharmacy is like wtf I'm on like 10 times the dose all of a sudden... lmao. They said something about oxycodone. I think they thought I was a drug addict with the clonazepam, and that they were trying to get me to agree to it. I just said I hadn't taken that shit in over a year but I'm realizing now they were probably trying to trick me. As I didn't have any refills for that.

 

[EPL1]

I pm'd you.

It did take as much courage as cancelling my oxycodone script, but I haven't abused opiates at all since then. This had to stop. The peaks and troughs of short acting benzos used long term heavily drive people to madness.

Painful one I have used klonopin before. It is not called that here, clonazepam. I used to get them illicitly because they were the best anxiety med but unable to be prescribed it. Or I would trade with anxiety ridden friends for valium. But it was always my preference... it just takes a while to start working.

I will have to wait about a week and the next couple months as I transition to long acting benzos is not going to be easy. However, (and yes God bless her that's a massive dose even from a psych ward or hospital) the klonopin will start working better each day and once she gets her head back on her shoulders, I can probably add in the xanax.

I have realized profoundly today that I am no longer interested in using drugs recreationally. I am also considering no longer using them medicinally, as a longer term goal. However, dropping acid or mdma or something like that is senseless to me now. I was not like that before, but I have been since things got really bad the past year. This is a really positive thing, it means no weed as well. I speak of abstinence, not to get ahead of myself.

Ash, that was a lot of trust to ask for. Pharmacy is like wtf I'm on like 10 times the dose all of a sudden... lmao. They said something about oxycodone. I think they thought I was a drug addict with the clonazepam, and that they were trying to get me to agree to it. I just said I hadn't taken that shit in over a year but I'm realizing now they were probably trying to trick me. As I didn't have any refills for that.

 

[Larimar]

Shroomy so glad you opened up and got the help from your trusted doctor . Was really worried about you from some of your posts .
I have been doing okay , occasionally stealing an oxy from my husband every now and then, I just love the happiness they give me . I feel ashamed to steal from him , the other day he says ?damn I think I?m losing my mind I could have sworn I had 4 pills but I now only have 3.. ? I just know if I tell him I?m back taking pills he will be disappointed..

 

[ShroomySatori]

Good to hear from you. Don't worry about taking the odd pill if it is now and then, you already would have relapsed or identified an increasing pattern of use. I have had theft on my mind lately a lot, as a moral concept, and perhaps it is a warning sign of things to come. You may be stealing from yourself. You may be stealing from your relationship or your husband's health. I do not mean to think critically of you, I have spun a terrible web of manipulative lies to keep a fix going for years after it had expired. I merely wish to warn you as I saw that as a clear warning sign. If you do not use daily or regularly, you could still lose trust. There is nothing to be ashamed about just don't tell him unless you relapse and start getting tolerance and withdrawal.

I could have easily died. It's no exaggeration. I was nervous and I broke. Now I have help and she really is great, and importantly I am comfortable with her. As I am doctor phobic I don't trust them. This one, I have always trusted I see it now. She was trying to protect me from myself so I ran away. Then I returned years later and started acting responsibly when I got clean. That is what saved me when I broke out this huge life mistake. I will never stop speaking highly of her for listening and not judging me. There is so much trust in handing out a script like that but she must have had her reasons and yeah I'll never know because that is a very serious decision right there she could easily have passed off to someone else with a waiting period. She couldn't leave me hanging, I knew it. All the other doctors who manipulated me are no longer of use to me.

I haven't been committing to quit lately so much as thinking things through, gathering advice, and making a decision.I am already committed to that. It's going to be hard. It's really important I work with someone I am comfortable with on this as it's going to take a couple of years by the sounds of it, at least. I should be functional during that time though, even for vacations and stuff. I feel so much better like I want to sigh and drift off to sleep... the clonazepam will help keep me stable for now. I like also that the drops are slow and steady. They can pretty much be up to me and how I'm feeling so long as I am communicative and make progress. I know that I made a big commitment today and that means following up on stuff for once.

Stop if you start getting cravings though eh. I took codeine 5 times last year when I was in extreme pain. Pretty much just felt like shit but you know how addictive that oxy energy is. It isn't like other opioids that are more sedating and I found that highly addictive. Helped me focus

 

[ShroomySatori]

The rest of today is for relaxation and health. I am following my doctor's instructions and if anything happened I'm safe. I do not have to hide.

I might be taking a little alone time. There is so much going on now that I have come clean about this. I stopped using recreational drugs a long time ago, totally lost interest by now, and that is a great thing too. It means that they will see me in a healthier and more self-caring light, when I am starting to work with mental health professionals.

I am happy about this because it isn't only in my hands anymore. My health is being taken care of very well. I will still be withdrawing and suffering. But there will no longer be any distractions apart from having to go to the pharmacy frequently. I am trying to quit smoking weed. I will never stop trying to do that. I have finally got myself on the right path, and held myself totally accountable. I really do feel safe.

I have been paranoid as hell though. Was waiting in the doctors office and I thought they were gonna kick the door down and raid me and lock me up in a straight jacket. That is how little I trust these people after they have had 8 years to treat me and I am left like this. I am lucky to have a professional who is very sweet hearted or I'd be totally fucked right now. And that is the link to all the other resources too, I am doing outpatient and stuff. Like, everything now. It is chill though I am happy now and people seem to respect me more in general lately. I will no longer hide my withdrawal for shit. I have to face it and I am. I got really lucky here.

Larimar, watch it with the oxy's. You know that. Don't mean to sound harsh if I do, but people relapse. I appreciate you being happy for me it's nice to hear that people seem to care about me. And not just here; but everywhere. I have a good energy about me a lot of the time. I did not realize that anyone gave a fuck if I died or not but it's so not true. I had to tell the person I told and it is going to work out now because it is not a terminal illness I will be around for a while I hope.

 

[mtop2036]

So I'm on a lower dose of subs then my clinic allows. They want you to jump off at 2mg which is nuts. Anyways I just found out I have multiple drug test with no subs in them. So I'm probably going to be kicked out. My best guess is they test for a certain range and I'm under it.
First one was back in October and they are just now telling me. If they would of told me after the first one like they are supposed to do i could of possibly did something about it. Now it just looks bad against me.

Sucks, I'm doing nothing wrong in my eyes, just trying to get clean but am going to be punished for being on a lower dose. Very disappointing

 

[Squeaky]

DopieJay- I drank for a long time. This is how I handled my situation. Maybe it can help you.

Alcohol can kill me. It might be the cause of death listed on the Coroners report for me some day. BUT the stress I feel today may be the reason I kill myself tonight. I could have the cause of death be a self-inflicted gunshot wound, and that could happen today. So the alcohol is keeping me alive right now.

If I went to see a Dr for these problems in my head, I would get prescribed a ton of pills that have side effects worse than booze. Liver, kidneys, heart, etc. Some even require regular blood tests because of the potential damage. My life would revolve around Drs appointments, prescriptions, and timing of my meds. I have tried this and it sucks. I can buy alcohol anywhere in the world, without a prescription. If I can self medicate with alcohol, and do it smartly, I can prolong my life because without it I will kill myself. It sounds overly dramatic until Im dead- thats when everyone sees how serious it is but its too late.

Nobody seems to separate whats in the glass. Drinking a dozen Rum and Cokes every night will cause liver disease. So the common wisdom is that booze will kill you. HOWEVER there is a new diagnosis. Non-alcoholic cirrhosis is when you dont drink booze but your liver is dying because you drink/eat too much processed crap. The rum and coke problem gets a lot better if you eliminate the coke, and even better if you get quality rum. Cheap beer is no better than Coke(they use the same high-fructose corn syrup to cheaply increase the alcohol content in cheap beer and liquors as what they use in soda). SO if youre gonna drink a lot of alcohol, drink it straight or with club soda and lime.

Dont drink alcohol stupidly. Never drink and drive-NEVER. If you like to fight when you get drunk then dont drink at bars.
If you are going to drink for four hours before you pass out, and you have to get up at 6 am for work, then start at 5pm. Be sure to run all of your errands before. Keep your house stocked with alcohol. Become a home-body. Get into trying different whiskeys.
Dont listen to anyone who doesnt understand the severity of your situation. It is very severe. Simple advice where someone says drinking is bad and you should stop is not good advice and you should not listen. A life as an alcoholic is better than being dead. You can have a very nice life as long as you avoid some of the most obvious pitfalls, like DUIs fighting and drinking gallons of soda with your booze.
Also..... it is important to be sober for a few hours each day. Black coffee in the morning. Use caffeine to deal with your hangover, not whiskey or beer.
Most importantly you need to stop feeling guilty about your situation. If you took a dozen different prescriptions every day to treat your condition, people would say that youre getting help. When you drink for the same reason, youre just a drunk and thats not fair. You do need to look for a different solution to your problems, but you shouldnt feel like a failure if you use booze to hold uou over while you look for a solution.

That attitude worked for me for more than a decade.

 

[dopiejay]

D.J we got to get you feeling better now!

I'm praying for you and ShroomySatori can tell you, prayer is a powerful thing!

Hang in there brother! You are loved very much!

Good job shroom. Stick to it brother don't ever deviate from the taper trust me.

I can get through the night if I have a nice few drinks lined up in front of me. Gets more and more every day. Sitting in my truck smoking a Cuban cigar taking in the cold winter air.

Lost my breath for the first time in a while tonight Watching friends with the woman. It's no doubt the smoking. I'm loaded drunk so I don't mind as much but it's bad to be this young and losing my breath just from laughing. Coughing and wheezing like an old man trying to catch my breath.

This damn booze and tobacco is gonna kill me, and honestly I fucking love it.

 

[dopiejay]

DopieJay- I drank for a long time. This is how I handled my situation. Maybe it can help you.

Alcohol can kill me. It might be the cause of death listed on the Coroners report for me some day. BUT the stress I feel today may be the reason I kill myself tonight. I could have the cause of death be a self-inflicted gunshot wound, and that could happen today. So the alcohol is keeping me alive right now.

If I went to see a Dr for these problems in my head, I would get prescribed a ton of pills that have side effects worse than booze. Liver, kidneys, heart, etc. Some even require regular blood tests because of the potential damage. My life would revolve around Drs appointments, prescriptions, and timing of my meds. I have tried this and it sucks. I can buy alcohol anywhere in the world, without a prescription. If I can self medicate with alcohol, and do it smartly, I can prolong my life because without it I will kill myself. It sounds overly dramatic until Im dead- thats when everyone sees how serious it is but its too late.

Nobody seems to separate whats in the glass. Drinking a dozen Rum and Cokes every night will cause liver disease. So the common wisdom is that booze will kill you. HOWEVER there is a new diagnosis. Non-alcoholic cirrhosis is when you dont drink booze but your liver is dying because you drink/eat too much processed crap. The rum and coke problem gets a lot better if you eliminate the coke, and even better if you get quality rum. Cheap beer is no better than Coke(they use the same high-fructose corn syrup to cheaply increase the alcohol content in cheap beer and liquors as what they use in soda). SO if youre gonna drink a lot of alcohol, drink it straight or with club soda and lime.

Dont drink alcohol stupidly. Never drink and drive-NEVER. If you like to fight when you get drunk then dont drink at bars.
If you are going to drink for four hours before you pass out, and you have to get up at 6 am for work, then start at 5pm. Be sure to run all of your errands before. Keep your house stocked with alcohol. Become a home-body. Get into trying different whiskeys.
Dont listen to anyone who doesnt understand the severity of your situation. It is very severe. Simple advice where someone says drinking is bad and you should stop is not good advice and you should not listen. A life as an alcoholic is better than being dead. You can have a very nice life as long as you avoid some of the most obvious pitfalls, like DUIs fighting and drinking gallons of soda with your booze.
Also..... it is important to be sober for a few hours each day. Black coffee in the morning. Use caffeine to deal with your hangover, not whiskey or beer.
Most importantly you need to stop feeling guilty about your situation. If you took a dozen different prescriptions every day to treat your condition, people would say that youre getting help. When you drink for the same reason, youre just a drunk and thats not fair. You do need to look for a different solution to your problems, but you shouldnt feel like a failure if you use booze to hold uou over while you look for a solution.

That attitude worked for me for more than a decade.

Ahh I don't feel like a failure squeak, even tho I may be. Whose gonna keep me up besides me? I always drink neat liquor. Been through the gauntlet of pills and I don't want it anymore. Drinking keeps me sane believe it or not.

It relieves stress, anxiety, depression, pain. And I love waking up still drunk in the morning with no hangover. Drinking straight has helped stave that off. I drink as healthy as I can now. Lots of water and vitamins in between. The whiskey and gin gets me through life and if it sees me to the grave I honestly don't care. I love it.

I'm not taking pills to dissolve my kidneys. I'm not seeing councillors who ultimately don't care. I'm gonna do me and if anyone don't like it then too bad.

 

[dopiejay]

no need to be too concerned guys. I've got good judgment. When enough is enough I'll say it, and I'm too stubborn to hear otherwise anyhow. I'm more worried how all of y'all are doing nowadays.

Love jay

 

[Painful One]

no need to be too concerned guys. I've got good judgment. When enough is enough I'll say it, and I'm too stubborn to hear otherwise anyhow. I'm more worried how all of y'all are doing nowadays.

Love jay

Love you too Jay!

I'm doing alright. My sister ended up having some kind of strange episode at her work and was taken to the hospital.
I'm worried about her. She is sick. I don't know why she fixated on me and has been so freaked out by me but I now see that she has a serious health problem. Please pray for my sister guys. I love her very much and despite the harm she has caused to me, I just want her to be well and happy.

I have had a VERY stressful few months! I tell you friends, I am one tough Lady. Most people would have suicided out long ago.

I'm having a lot of increased pain and my condition is getting worse. The Chronic pain is worse, the hernia is so bad that I feel like I have an arrow shot through my right side going all the way through me from front to back. My sleep disorder has been acting up so badly. I have vivid lucid dreams all night long that I act out and I wake up more tired then before I went to "sleep".

I'm desperate for a nights sleep without dreams!! They are so vivid that I wake up having to review my life to figure out what is "real".

I am also having to use very little pain medication for a few days as I am low on that. I see my doctor in a few days. Thank God. I just can't seem to make the medication last through the month no matter what I do. It is either feel like absolute shit everyday or keep myself comfortable and suffer like hell for a few days at the end of the month.

I absolutely have to get a break f on this horrible pain sometimes or I would loose it entirely.

At least I only have two days to go like this and I do have some pain medication left. It is just half of my usual dosag and that puts me in withdrawal on top of the chronic pain. It is miserable. I honestly hope they have humane euthanasia for humans.

 

[Xorkoth]

Shroomy so glad you opened up and got the help from your trusted doctor . Was really worried about you from some of your posts .
I have been doing okay , occasionally stealing an oxy from my husband every now and then, I just love the happiness they give me . I feel ashamed to steal from him , the other day he says ?damn I think I?m losing my mind I could have sworn I had 4 pills but I now only have 3.. ? I just know if I tell him I?m back taking pills he will be disappointed..

Be super careful with this Larimar. Every time I ever convinced myself I could take any opiates I ended up, inevitably, spiraling down and back where I started except hating myself more.

 

[Squeaky]

Be super careful with this Larimar. Every time I ever convinced myself I could take any opiates I ended up, inevitably, spiraling down and back where I started except hating myself more.

I agree. We are addicts. A little turns into a lot. Then you just feel stupid for falling backwards.

 

[Squeaky]

no need to be too concerned guys. I've got good judgment. When enough is enough I'll say it, and I'm too stubborn to hear otherwise anyhow. I'm more worried how all of y'all are doing nowadays.

Love jay

Good to hear you sounding positive. I know that feeling of being depressed and giving up. It is not a life. I was worried that you were living like that.
Sounds like we are all just looking out for eachother here

 

[Painful One]

Good to hear you sounding positive. I know that feeling of being depressed and giving up. It is not a life. I was worried that you were living like that.
Sounds like we are all just looking out for eachother here

We are all looking out for each other here and I am so, so grateful for that my dear friends.
Thank you for being here!
I love you all so much and appreciate you guys more than words can express!

Be well friends.
God bless you all.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Hey guys, how are all you doing? how is the taper going ?

I'm glad shroomy that you talked finally to your doctor, tho I did not respond to your posts I read all of them and was really worried about your state and you not seeing a doc but you sorted it out!

Stay strong people, when we all get succesfully over this we will have huge mental power. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise, at first it seems chaotic, severe and painful psyhically and psychologically but hopefully this will hep us in other aspects of life also.

Much love to all of you

 

[EPL1]

We have all got each others back here, absolutely.

Much love guys.

Ash.

We are all looking out for each other here and I am so, so grateful for that my dear friends.
Thank you for being here!
I love you all so much and appreciate you guys more than words can express!

Be well friends.
God bless you all.

 

[ShroomySatori]

Hey thanks morpheus I just read that. The taper is going well. I start by getting stable and transitioning to klonopin only.

I have taken lots of clonazepam before. My friend had a script and I prefer it to valium. I finally slept all afternoon today, and woke up sleepy past my taper dose time so I lowered the dose now and I am hoping clonazeam continues to help me out. I know it accumulates, I already feel it more than my first dose a couple days ago. I know not to take them too much or anything like exactly as instructed for once. I have a journal of my doses and checkmarks for when I take the damn things because too many times I have forgotten if I did or not. I just assume that I did in that case.

This should be enough to keep me safe, even if there was a big problem to encounter and the medical community knows it makes me feel safe. Wish I had a higher dose but that's always how it is and I could have been given a quarter of this amount and still been lucky. It is very hard to transition to long acting benzos in my opinion. I am really struggling with it but once they start working it gets a lot easier.

 

[ShroomySatori]

Good job shroom. Stick to it brother don't ever deviate from the taper trust me.

I can get through the night if I have a nice few drinks lined up in front of me. Gets more and more every day. Sitting in my truck smoking a Cuban cigar taking in the cold winter air.

Lost my breath for the first time in a while tonight Watching friends with the woman. It's no doubt the smoking. I'm loaded drunk so I don't mind as much but it's bad to be this young and losing my breath just from laughing. Coughing and wheezing like an old man trying to catch my breath.

This damn booze and tobacco is gonna kill me, and honestly I fucking love it.

yeah, I am taking the pills exactly as she told me to. If I deviate it is because I slept an hour late or something.

Man you gotta find a professional who cares in my opinion. It would take a lot of effort. like 99% of doctors in this countries are messed in the head and have no compassion for others. They have been trained so competitively that they tend to become authoritarian.

I am working with a lovely person on this and was shocked to get what I consider a massive amount of klonopin to trust essentially a junkie with and I am being given a lot of freedom too so long as I am honest and don't fuck with the pills. It's over I have no interest in that I'm only going to further screw my life. The taper is flexible too and very long term.

Enjoy your cigars dude I just took a nice toke after passing out all afternoon. I think the klonopin will help man. If you take short acting benzos only you know how it is I think, anyways, it is up and down up and down like 3 or 4 times a day and it does indeed drive people to madness. It took 15 years in the world of drugs for me to need medical help regarding them so urgently. These benzos are fucked did you pick up the bottle when you stopped them? Cause I seen my buddy having hardcore tremors while swigging back wine like crazy rocking back and forth in etiz withdrawals.

Oh yo. How fuckin nice is it to smoke in the cold winter air? I take my bong tokes outside at like -30C and they are so smooth I can rip two or 3 times as much pot at once and it doesn't feel harsh on my lungs. Serious, one of my fave parts of winter.

 

[ShroomySatori]

yo as good people as we are dude, the women can only handle our bs for so long. I don't know if this applies to you but eventually they cannot accept this level of drug abuse anymore and instability. For myself, it was 5 years before she ran away. One year we were chilling in Bermuda having spiny lobster for dinner and walking the beach and just in love and these drugs have taken that from me. I am no longer on speaking terms with her and do not even know where she lives. One day, she got up and ran away. I was hooked on H and it was getting really bad and yeah like think 5 years from now maybe? If you want to get or remain married that is and not risk that for a drink. As I probably would be married to her by now if I had not been so into all this nonsense that got me nowhere in life. Asking for help because you still require it (but actually thinking it through first, the health care is totally fucked there are good people though man in every field) - that is your best bet, sooner rather than later. Don't feel fuckin hopeless man cause of this valium shit and start drinking man it's not a good idea you have a lot going for you I can tell but that alcohol will take everything. Possibly even your whole entire life and most definitely your health.

But yeah I'd listen to squeaky man on this one over anyone. Alcohol has never been my thing. Merely pointing out that what you are doing is still very dangerous in a lot of ways. People fall headfirst into the snow and pass out cold as I'm sure you know. Run others down drunk driving, hospital DT's they use valium to treat, etc etc etc

And yo I recommend watch some fuckin trailer park boys while you're having your next drink man I'm gonna today for sure baked as shit! I fuckin love weed man I can't quit fiending the stuff been trying for years. Lungs must be right fucked and they are. Bong an eighth or so a day, so stupid. Fuckin amazing Canadian show though ehhh man if you are ever in need of laughs lol.