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Used Heroin and Fentanyl and Getting back on SUBS

We have to..we have too much to lose if we don't. I'm on 24 hours AGAIN of no using. Still too scared to take sub's yet since I don't want the pws. Took SomE Gabapentin too. Have to work this week not sure how how I will manage it but at least my wife knows and I don't have access to my phone, car or money so that has got to help me I suppose ..mentally and physically I'm a mess tho....how are you doing been?
 
Not workin anyway. Shit has changed drastically for the worse. If I can’t get stable on subs I’m off to rehab and will lose my family. This sux. I can’t get sleep or even enough motivation to go make any money. I’m lost and suffering.
 
About 43 hours into this i just took a little under 2 mg of subs and hoping in an hour i feel better. This has been an absolute hellish experience- i think back to when i was 17 and so many friends/users told me NOT to do it that once i got addicted i was all donr but i thought i was smarter and wouldnt get to that point....yeah right 20+ years later and im still a slave to it...but heres to 43 hours of pure hell and knowing it has to get better.
 
I’m right there with u. I’m at hr 48.
was this your forest cpl mgs of subs so far? It took me a lot on the first day.
 
Yes i felt better so i took another 1mg...if i feel better i will take 2mg more and so on until i hit 16mg (i wont maintain on that high a dose but just knowing it will block h/fent will help me mentally) Good for you!! We are literally in the same spot - we can do this!!!
 
I am doing better on day 3 BUT if i had money and access I would have relapsed already. The subs make me feel a little normal but no energy. I dont want to be depressing but ive made it 3-5 days like 10 times over the past year and i always end up giving in. I am hoping by giving everything to my wife that will help YET at the same time I wonder if that will end up hurting our relationship in the future...one thing is for sure if I go back its probably over anyways. At any rate the subs do seem to be doing something but they use to do a lot more. I am sorry to hear your struggling i can and i am too but i havent used fent since sunday morning so its got to get better...
 
So im not sick anymore but i still really want to get high which is insane...im going to take some tramadol and c if that helps
 
You guys have a sweet support system going here.<3 I'm sending you both sunny spring day good vibes from my part of the world. Keep your heads up and hearts open. You are going to get through this. <3
 
Thank you herbavore! It seems we have! Well i am now on day 4 no h/fent. I played with my children last night (i e had energy to do it!), also had a staff meeting at work which was probably one of the best weve had in a long time (remember i kept using becuz i couldnt speak/lead effectively) now was certainly nowhere near 100% but just being able to lead itshowed me Ireally can do this. At my teaching job allday today but for the first time in probably close to a year my first thought in the morning wasnt using. That is so major for me- i know this is still a long road and my emotions are all over the place but I want whoever reads this to know it will work. I thought my habit was too big to make transition but it doesnt seem to be for me the key was waiting long enough. If you take it too soon (and if you had a major habit) you really need 2-4 days to get the affect idid. Yes, it sucks balls to wait 2 days...also me coming forward with my wife and taking away ALL my possible triggers has helped. I realize this afternoon I might be crawling out of my skin but just for the moment im actually ok. And im crying as i type this becuz i didnt think id ever feel normal again (just read my other posts)...
 
I envisioned shooting myself (i actually willingly had my guns locked up this past time) and leaving these posts so my family could possibly understand why or at least that i tried (i walked around with 3 suicide notes one to my wife, daughter and son) in case i overdosed. They all had the url here..i say this so u know where i was at desiring death and today i dont....
 
I want to clarify how i got on subs- i quit last thurs and picked up 1g on sat (so i was in major withdrawal) at that point i did it just to feel normal (.5 sat night and .5 on sun). This didnt put my usual 2 gs in my systen SO then i went from sunday morning until tues morning and started subs. It has been 7 stages of hell until today. Its Really a weird thing...
 
I am very proud. I know if we took more sub it would probably work. It’s crazy you had your guns willingly taken as did I. I have no idea where the save key is. Wtf
i actually thought of the same things. Identical problems!!!!
 
My man!!! Good for you!!!!
im failing miserably. Eh sorta.
going to doctor ina cpl hrs and gonna be real with him.
 
Beenbetter said:
My man!!! Good for you!!!!
im failing miserably. Eh sorta.
going to doctor ina cpl hrs and gonna be real with him.
Click to expand...

Sounds like a good idea, Beenbetter. Keep us posted. Hang in there. There is a reason why we are, on SL in BL, struggling and not complacent, not accepting our fate and lot in life but looking for a path to better way. We just got to keep fighting.
 
JDGRAMZ said:
I envisioned shooting myself (i actually willingly had my guns locked up this past time) and leaving these posts so my family could possibly understand why or at least that i tried (i walked around with 3 suicide notes one to my wife, daughter and son) in case i overdosed. They all had the url here..i say this so u know where i was at desiring death and today i dont....
Click to expand...

Holy shit. I am so glad you did not go down that dark path and you are now feeling better. Subs work, for sure.
 
I also have a son and a daughter. In my darkest hour, I thought it wouldn't be so terrible if I stepped in front of traffic. This was a few weeks ago. It was honestly my first suicide ideation. Scary AF
 
Krazikat yeah the subs do work i thpught id never feel normal again....

Today is day 5 or 6 and i feel good physically but mentally im so used to my drug routine i find myself calling my dealer anyways.... giving everything to my wife has helped this next stage plus i know if i used i have so much subs in my system id barely feel it (been taking 16mg for this very reason) but ive been here before and that hasnt changed anything i just keep using until the subs are out of my system and then im up to 2 grams a day becuz i had to break thru the bupe. So heres to my first week and saving 500 and not feeling sick.
 
Good job man!! Be glad u ain’t down where I am. A 2 g a day habit would cost 3 times that where I am!! Haha
u r doing great!keep praying. God will help u through this. Keep the faith
how is your sleep/depression?
 
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