The feeling of longing for something that you have long lost hope for ever bearing the fruit of creation
The feeling of being internally under attack by what other than the self
Dreadful boredom leading to heightened states of panic and fear, but never excitement
That is a feeling of long ago
There is nowhere to go from here
That freedom falls; liberation no longer realistic
My bones ache still. I am too depressed to think very much and am very lazy. I think I remember I was happier before when I had been clean a while, but that seems like a distant dream. It has been over a week and I still feel like shit. I can only take so much but what is the point of using something that will make me feel what I felt this past week all over again.
I feel depressed though. Empty. Like a sea shell, with no wind to blow through it. I feel like a desert animal that's dried up of water and thirsty to the point it is a danger. I feel so fucked up though. My body is going haywire. I'm trying to remember me last detox as I was clean a long time, forgot what it was like to be sick. Felt totally normal, didn't have bad back aches. How long did it take? I normally remind myself to give it 10 days. It has been over a week, so I will see how I feel on Tuesday. Hopefully better than this. I can't tell if I'm just at the poorest possible state of health (I really don't think I am I was doing yoga this week, still eating okay and lots of tea... other than bong etiz and potentially psychs I am pretty much healthy, and do things to try and compensate for the abuse... keep my diet clean, lots of water and tea, little things) ) or if I'm in withdrawal anymore.I can't tell if this is withdrawal or if this is naturally how I feel.
I can't tell if it's withdrawal. But then I notice I am twitching my feet constantly flexing them repetitively in the background. The muscles of my upper arms feel like they are on fire. I was overcome by this feeling earlier. I am trying to keep it together for work, but I feel dissociated from reality. I never feel like anything is real in withdrawal, like I'm in a nightmare. It makes keeping responsibilities a challenge. I should really commit to a taper since I have the supply. Although, I'd likely end up getting really high. I hate suboxodoze, tried it extensively don't like the feeling. I will take it one day at a time, hoping that things slowly improve. Last time I think it took 3 weeks and that sounds about right. Not really worth it for a short relapse and it's really just as bad, not as physically intense but easily just as miserable. My emotions are fucked, my entire body every system seems to be going haywire. Feel like I can't even breathe sometimes or like my hormones are totally out of whack. I feel completely burnt out. I remember I felt quite well before, so I should bear that in mind and it didn't take too long. It has already been a long while though I am getting impatient just want to feel okay.
Just weird that on day 8 or somethin I feel worse than I did on days 3 or 4...
The power of observation is a key
to indiscriminate awareness
I have been tripping a lot lately. I smoked a lot of dmt the other day with some friends, and I couldn't remember my phone number after a few times. Took me a while to piece myself back together after that one. I didn't realize that what I was thinking during the trip I was saying out loud, it only made sense to me at the time. I don't remember much but really crazy visuals, really it is a whole new dimension there is no describing it. And I was experiencing synesthasia a blending of the senses... I don' know what to say about that. haha
I still feel like shit. I'm hoping to feel better soon. I'm hoping to stay off drugs other than weed and etiz and some psychs and tea. I remember I felt better before. I shouldn't feel like shit for too much longer. I don't need the other sedatives anymore just my etiz for now. If I took some oxycodone, I'd feel great. I'd also feel great without it though if I hang in there. Probably sooner than later at this point, but it's just weird that I feel worse on day 8 than before... but then again, I can't even really remember before. This whole relapse has been a haze it's draining time like that. I can't move forward until I get through it and my habit is heavy enough at this point that I simply can't function while using like I used to be able to. I can't get enough of the stuff now.
Big hugs to everyone in this thread (and a really big one to Poke for starting it
