Stringer_Bell
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jun 9, 2015
- Messages
- 196
Hello BL'ers,
Genuinely hope you are all well and huge respect to those of you living sober or trying your damnedest to do so.
I go on once month two day 'binges' of oxy and coke. So the latest binge is 0.5g of high quality coke and a fair amount of oxy (about 50mg yesterday and 50mg today). I'm not and have never been physically dependent on oxy or any opiate.
It's always the same - after one of these binges I feel very worried that I'm going to become a full blown opiate addict (physically, I know I have a psychological addiction already), feel guilty, very depressed, etc. So for the next few weeks I eat healthily, exercise every day, knuckle down at work and genuinely live a pretty wholesome life.
But then boredom sets in and I start planning the next 'relapse', looking forward to it, fantasising about it, feeling very excited about it.
And so the pattern repeats.
I guess I want to want to be sober but I can't quite do it. I try to imagine a life with no drug use at all and it seems quite monotonous. I know for sure I never want to become a daily user/physical addict. But I know of course if I carry on like this there is a good chance that might happen.
I don't even know what my specific question is, I just wanted to write this down and see if anyone has thoughts on what I've written. I like feeling virtuous and healthy but it's like after a while this pressure builds up and gets released in one of these binges. But then I feel guilty and ashamed.
Sorry guys, not really sure what I expect by posting this but any insights would be very much appreciated.
S
Genuinely hope you are all well and huge respect to those of you living sober or trying your damnedest to do so.
I go on once month two day 'binges' of oxy and coke. So the latest binge is 0.5g of high quality coke and a fair amount of oxy (about 50mg yesterday and 50mg today). I'm not and have never been physically dependent on oxy or any opiate.
It's always the same - after one of these binges I feel very worried that I'm going to become a full blown opiate addict (physically, I know I have a psychological addiction already), feel guilty, very depressed, etc. So for the next few weeks I eat healthily, exercise every day, knuckle down at work and genuinely live a pretty wholesome life.
But then boredom sets in and I start planning the next 'relapse', looking forward to it, fantasising about it, feeling very excited about it.
And so the pattern repeats.
I guess I want to want to be sober but I can't quite do it. I try to imagine a life with no drug use at all and it seems quite monotonous. I know for sure I never want to become a daily user/physical addict. But I know of course if I carry on like this there is a good chance that might happen.
I don't even know what my specific question is, I just wanted to write this down and see if anyone has thoughts on what I've written. I like feeling virtuous and healthy but it's like after a while this pressure builds up and gets released in one of these binges. But then I feel guilty and ashamed.
Sorry guys, not really sure what I expect by posting this but any insights would be very much appreciated.
S