^Do you get pure codeine or combination products and CWE it?
Codeine is effective for alleviating crushing depression for me. I have not really talked about this in great depth, but I often have intrusive, almost automatic thoughts of suicide and death. I think (intellectually) about suicide a few times a day- I do not want to die yet, but I check-in regularly- am I ready to go? I feel like I will know it when I am; so far, the answer has always been 'no, I am not ready'. I hope I don't get to the point where I make the choice. But, I find this thought process so disturbing and I have always been impulsive; I find that when I feel so depressed that I consider suicide every few minutes, its almost life-or-death and so I take codeine and the dopamine and analgesia divert my mind. From several suicidal thoughts a minute to less than one every ten minutes...
Recently shit has sucked incredibly. I feel so delusional. I don't know what to do anymore- I can't see the point behind this any longer and it used to be so clear. Something has changed for me and I wish it hadn't. I wish this was not happening. I've also thought about going back on heroin but I really don't want to. Makes me realise I don't want to die. I don't really want to live like this though.
B_D, I really hope you don't start taking heroin. I don't know if you have a history with it, but its soul destroying.
I quit heroin through detox and rehab and the use of ayahuasca. I am half considering getting some ibogaine and seeing if I can beat this fucking thing once and for all. I don't know where to get any from. I do have the ingredients for ayahuasca and I think I desperately need some healing.
EDIT:
B_D said:
I've been looking for substitutions lately, but can't find anything that works well. I'm a purely downer person, so I've only looked at GABAergics and opioids. I'm trying to avoid benzos, because a benzo habit is even nastier. Been trying all sorts of solvents, but with little success. I'm really disappointed in that 1,4-butanediol doesn't work for me. I mean, I get intoxicated, but the high is incredibly dirty, even worse than ethanol. I don't know what's wrong. At normal doses (2 ml or so), I feel this weird cold, metallic and "excited" feeling in my whole body, which is really unpleasant. At higher doses, like 4 ml, I basically pass out, but not before basically having weird visuals, my hands shaking, and of course the unpleasant feeling intensifying to the point I just wish it was over. I have never tried GBL or GHB, but this is really not what I expected it to be.
I've found pretty much all those GHB-analogues to be really dirty in comparison to GHB. I use GHB regularly, a few times a week. I have had concerns about its addictiveness but I don't feel much of a pull towards it. My brother just happens to 'obtain' a fuck load of it and so I kindly accept it when offered.
GBL was okay, but nauseating. I found 1,4-Butynediol to be disgusting, completely vomit inducing and with terrible sedated feelings. GHB is where its at for me.
Have you done 2M2B? We don't have it at the lab, so I would have to order some to try, but can't decide whether it's worth it or not.
I never have. In fact, this is the first I have heard of it. But, I do not drink ethanol as it makes me depressed and angry. I don't have much desire to experience something simialr, despite my respect for GHB.
Sorry if this kind of discussion is not appropriate for this thread/subforum.
I think its fine, this is the social thread- we can talk about what we want in here.
There is a lot of sadness and uncertainty in this thread right now. I'd like to invite you all to my garden. Literally, not metaphorically. I've been sitting in it a lot these past two weeks thinking about
my sadness and sadness in general as an emotion. It seems every single plant has put on a spring coat of new green, everything that can bloom is doing so and doing it like it's the grande finale of some spectacular production. As if this and the sweet birdsong weren't enough, every time a breeze comes up, the sky rains rose petals, wisteria petals and a fine mist of tiny white privet blossoms. It almost seems ridiculous the way I walk out into all this carrying my fragile little gem of pure sadness the way I would carefully carry a full bowl of water. But the truth is that I do not want to spill a single drop. I had a realization the other day that I had finally after 62 years fully befriended this emotion I have previously spent so much time running from. She's not a bad friend, though she never stays long in my garden. So, I invite you sincerely if you are weary of sadness. Estonia and Australia are far away and I have no idea where Nixiam and Levelsbeyond hail from but it wouldn't be any farther away I presume. Too bad you can't all charter a balloon--that would be fantastic!
Cosmic Trigger is right: why wouldn't you feel that way? Sitting in my garden these days I am also aware that feeling the world touch us enough to make us sad is an incredible experience when you strip all the fear and fatalism away from it. There is a tenderness there that is the same tenderness love holds.
I enjoyed reading that. I found myself sitting in the sunshine, drinking a lemon/green tea, smoking a spliff, gazing at the birthday cake in the sky and relaxing. You are right when you say that sadness has a deeper quality that can be valued; it is not something that we NEED to escape from, it is a by-product of having feelings, emotions and being alive in this world. It doesn't need to be painful. It just often is.
