Hi Fuji and Paul. Welcome to both of you!
Paul, it's interesting that you say that the urge to rationalize recreational use comes when you are feeling good again and have your life back on track. Maybe boredom with your life is an issue? This could have many solutions. Boredom, in the case of my sons, was always a need for more adrenaline in their lives. In my case, it has more to do with a lack of meaning in the day-to-day activities that I can get caught up in. Either way, the result is restlessness and a vague hunger for things to be different. Examine your life--relationships, work, down-time, etc. What do drugs give you that you want--and how can you get more of that into your life without them? Depression gains incredible strength from living a prescribed life rather than the one that fits the true self. The key is defining, then creating the life you want. I'm 61 and still working on that!