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Say something you can't say to their face

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I think I will tell her this eventually:

A big part of your healing has to do with taking ownership of your “shadow.” You are an incredibly kind, wise, beautiful person. How did you get that way? Where is your ugliness? It’s in your disease, coming out all wrong because it’s hidden. Your job is to reacquaint yourself with your darker self. Of course, at our core, we only mean best, but somewhere along the way through development, we get confused with what is best—a lot of what we perceive as evil or bad is just a source of great power that we have become afraid of.

I suspect that the man who is feeling violent tendencies toward you has an intolerance of weakness. At its root, it is coming from a place of wanting you to be strong, but of course the way he’s going about it is through frustration and not love. That’s my theory.

When you reclaim the power that you have given away for the sake of being infinitely gentle, you will find your strength.
 
I know you struggle, too.

I.do see that you're trying to evolve.

You can do it, Love.

I believe in you.
 
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If it's a parade you want then a parade you shall have.

interview then home to do inventory on all the drugs to consume.
 
I'm a lot more scared than you may know.

I'm definitely in a LOT more pain than you can comprehend - the physical pain makes me want to die sometimes. And there is of course emotional pain from feeling so horrible all of the time...and this emotional pain is compounded and magnified by those who aren't sharp enough to see past the smile I slap on my face, who don't see how much I'm suffering, who dismiss me. I can't put into words how hurt I am...how tormented I am...how desperate I feel. Why do you question me? It proves that you don't really know me or understand me even a little bit. If you did, you would know how frustrated I am at TRULY NOT BEING ABLE TO function like a healthy person.

No one knows me. I'm always alone. Being a true introvert it's mostly ok...but everyone wants to feel UNDERSTOOD.

I have finally solved this mystery. Guess it's a good thing I did research like a MANIAC, since no doctor has helped me. You know, the research you've mocked me for. Turns out I'mto NOT an.idiot...I'm actually pretty fucking smart.I'd like to cordially invite you all to KISS MY BIG ROUND ASS, too.

Because if you begin to understand....if you learn what I've been SUFFERING invisibly with...your view will change as you begin to.comprehend that, not only was I NOT being "weak" or a "pussy" all these years, but rather quite the opposite...I've been SO STRONG. SO TOUGH. SO FUCKING STRONG, you don't even KNOW the depth of my strength...you'll realize what you've done.

I don't hold grudges. I don't have the energy. I just want to be undetstood and loved. Please, give me some dignity.

I've realized that so many times I should've gone to the ER, that the pain that caused me to pour sweat and stay glued to the toilet waiting to vomit from pain, wasn't normal. How SAD is that, that I'm SO USED TO FEELING LIKE SHIT that I wasn't sure it was an emergency??? How sad is that? That should tell you a little bit about just how much I suffer silently. God, my whole life....sick...

The few things I complain about....are just the tip of the iceburg. I don't complain much; in fact, again speaking relative to the level of tormenting pain I am always in, I hardly bitch at all.

I'm twisted and sleepless and pouring sweat from pain...but I am still better at slaplingon a smile and doing my best to have a positive impact on those around me than all of you combined. You know what? I'M AMAZING. Yeah, that's right. Give me some credit.

"Forgive them, for they know not what they do" is a phrase I try hard to live by.

But just for once, it'd be so soothing to have a soft place to fall. To have something gentle and kind.

This is why I try so hard to be that soft place for others.

But I can't help but feel angry at times. I remind myself that no one can know what's happening inside my body. No one can feel it.

Would it kill ya to take my fucking word for it, though? Or just use common sense, look at my history and my personality, and arrive at the sensible conclusion that MY HEALTH IS KICKING MY ASS????

Please. Please stop hurting me...

You have no idea the level of cruelty you're inflicting... you would be disgusted with yourselves if you did...

Help me, God. Please help me. I can't keep doing this. Please, please have mercy on me...
 
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The reason I can't sleep is knowing that you are out partying and therefore I worry about you. I know you have learnt from your mistakes and won't do that Shit again, but still I worry, so I stay awake 'till you get home to check if everything is ok. That's not your fault as its my choice. The only thing that hurts me is, that you don't want to skype even just a few minutes when you come back, as you are too tired, but you can party all night. The only time you wanted to was when you were afraid of my reaction about K.
 
My heart is absolutely breaking. I can't talk to anyone about it and I am pretty much lonely at this stage. I think I am being excommunicated and all my precious plans to move on being ripped away.
 
^ypu can always talk to someone .... Somebody out there understands and had been thru or can relate to your problem.... Don't give up. If nothing else there is always someone there who can. Be there by just being there and listening with open mind heart and arms....
 
Holy shit youre driving me insane trying to get info out of me. Stop bein so fucking nosey. I feel better that you only know what you know from court. Jesus christ when i feel like youre better able to handle the whole truth ill tell you ffs. But that day youll probably disown me. But I dont care much for you anyways
 
When you rebuild it all, please don't leave me in the dust like it never happened. I'm sorry that I can't handle it.
 
Why, just why do you have to be so stupid and drink too much again ?! I mean it's good that you realized it and went home, but why the Fuck do you drink that much even after you promised me you wouldn't do it anymore, as you know your limits ???? I knew it would happen again. That's making me really sad and angry :(
 
zephyrhigh said:
don't be... You're never in it alone....
Click to expand...

Thank you so much for your compassion, my friend :) And the same to you. We'll have to exchange a few more emails :) I'd love to hear how you've been holding up lately. I hope the rawness calms quickly for you. I know how visceral it must all feel.

Sending you peace.
 
Once again I'm putting much more effort into celebrating your birthday and you phoned in mine. Next year I better get something special! It's ridiculous that I did even get sex or a fucking gift!
 
I never did say thanks, guys, for offering support when I was down and fragile. So thank you <3
 
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