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The Suicide Support Thread

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BostonBrownTown said:
we care, man. we all are going through similar and TRYING to find our way through it all.

I have a brain tumor/cancer myself; my mother is also suffering from something similar but as AS BAD but the problem continues to get worse it seems. I am 32 and have a seizure years back while coming off benzos which led me to find out about my problems; so I am there w/you w/ medical problems. I have an MRI Saturday and will be as Mass General Hospital Monday to follow up; hopefully all is OK but I continue to fight it because my family wants me to and doesnt want to see me go; I dont want to see me go either as long as they are all around and they dont want me to go.

severely unhappy w/ myself, too. been using HEAVY for 14 years; family knows and they just think back to all the OD's, problems, money, etc, I have caused/lost, etc. they are disgusted by it all but they choose to continue to love me and let me TRY to better myself; I try and try but I keep fucking up but I refuse to stop. you have to do the same; you have to just TRY and also understand why you are going through this; whether you better yourself or not, just TRY TO DO UR BEST and make your family see that. your family wants you around, man. dont care what you think, I dont know your or the family but I can assure they dont want to see you go, regardless of what happens elsewhere.

I only stay close w/ my immediate family ;I dont care about the rest. I am going through a ton of shit, so I dont need many parts of my family, 3-4 people is fine by me, so I feel you on that as well.

I am on Vivitrol and fiending for dope still but trying to stay away and not kill myself; I fucked up using Subs, Methadone, dope, whatever. I always used dope on top of whatever else I was using at the time; I stayed "sober" for 8 months using just subs but rushed the dosage down from 24MG to 2-4MG and starting shooting again. then I tried methadone after picking up a 2ND DUI, so I started done' but even when I was at 95MG of done' id still try to shoot cuz I was addicted to that needle/rush. it was a waste of money and time but I was a moron; I did much better on subs. well, I was on a 6 month program on the done' but stopped at 18MG and just stayed home and called out of work: i was dope sick as can be so I started shooting dope again; ended up going to jail for 2 weeks for pissing dirty and then had to go right into a 2 week DUI program which I got kicked out of for being SICK; I said i was regularly sick, just a temperature etc, but I was dope sick as can be. I go out and started shooting right away; my family was disgusted w/ what was happening so I told them I would go to detox; they wanted me to go that DAY but I manged to push off 2 days so I can shoot dope for 2 more days; well, I went in for 3 days and left early but lied to parents and just got back to my apartment but told parents I was still in detox for 3 more days; I used for the 3 days while home but I somehow was no longer that dope sick. to this day I am not that bad and feeling OK but I got on the shot early, while still dirty, but had to get the shot cuz I knew I couldnt go long enough to not have dope in my piss. well, here I am and I am TRYING and TRYING but I wont give up, man. I am getting a new job in my fathers field and going into his biz and maybe will take care of the biz he owns in Asbestos Removal father than Software Sales which is what I did already.

so dude, open up, tell us, because we are all going through similar and maybe we can help one another out. you always seemed like a good dude on this board and hearing/seeing this makes me concerned and I want to help you, so tell me what you need me to do in order to make you think twice before anything?

dude, I am 32 w/ brain tumo/cancer, I been arrested multiple times, did federal and state time, on program now for 2ND DUI, addicted to heroin but now on Vivitrol for first time; I am struggling getting by w/ no car, cash, etc but damn I keep trying because I know I am better than this and can beat this, SO CAN YOU! so lets help one another out, brotha. I post in this section for a reason; I had thoughts myself but I can beat those thoughts and beat this life.
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Thank you for sharing your story man

I'll PM you
 
PetalToTheMetal said:
I'm glad you're still here with us, Smoky. You're an amazing person. I'm still surprised I don't have brain damage from the sick games I used to play with pills and alcohol, or worse. It's certainly not something anyone should even consider.
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I missed this. Tyvm P2tm. It's unfortunate that it is an option for people and that I actually considered throwing in the towel. My roommate is still thinking about it himself.
Yes… you still have your brains and are young, as well as realizing so much that I didn't understand 10 15 years ago. I think I do have some brain damage, as I am not as sharp as I was. BUT, there is still time.. and if I do have it, it's okay… :)
It's been a crazy ride so far, this life and I'll keep coasting along… Not as many ups and downs lately which is nice for a change, relaxing into what just IS, lately.
 
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dizzygypsyred said:
a question I ask myself often
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Captain.Heroin said:
-loved ones (in my family) are suffering from medical issues; last leg of their life

-I have health issues and mental health issues (PTSD, agoraphobic tendencies, depression/anxiety)

-I'm severely unhappy with what I've done to myself due to addiction; I don't subscribe to the willpowerless concept of addiction, hence I realize I am at fault for what I've done to myself

-I haven't seen the majority of my family for over 6 years

-I've used suboxone for almost as many years, and have 3 months off it

I could write much more, but this is what I'm willing to share

I didn't want to open up, mostly because no one cares
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I care!
 
I can make the super long but I'll keep it very short because you don't need to know all the things that I've gone through in my life. If I could push a button and show you what your life would be like in the future or what others lives would be like without you I believe with all my heart you would change your mind and not conside suicide! You might be that person that can be there for someone else who is considering the same thing that may have kids or who knows what & prevents them from doing something so horrible. We all go through bad times and sometimes it happens to the best people and sometimes it happens for longer than we like but there is light and good things at the end of that tunnel that you're in. When I go through dark times I close my eyes and do my best to think about the good things that I will miss out on or the good things about me that others may miss out on and I know in my life it would be very selfish of me to purposely give up my life for me to have peace when it would take that piece away from the others! There are many lonely people out there so you're not alone and it might be tomorrow that you either meet that person or find the companionship you're searching for and you will miss out on that if you give that up by taking a leap or something else. I know you've touched strangers hearts on here that will definitely love to see your posts tomorrow and the next day and that you haven't given in to the temptation of ending your life! Your in my prayers & I don't know but I don't need to.
 
Well if I was brave enough and thought it would work, tonight prob would be the night I would end it all. But it would prob fail and somehow I would just end up in the hospital again. So it's just another night of praying if there is a God to show some mercy and just allow me not to wake in the morning. I don't have anything or anyone that I'm living for or getting better for. I'm just here, alive but no more then a tree or a plant. I'm just tired of living, tired of pretending one day something will happen to me that will make me decide this is all worth it. Everything I tried or wished it hoped for just blows up in my face, none of it is ever good news. I know there is no better, this is prob the best it gets for me. I could stay in this apartment by myself for months without anyone caring, so what would it matter if I just disappeared?
 
I do relate to your words. I feel this way at times, and was planning on a way out a few months ago…. and here I am.

It would matter if you just.disappeared ... believe it or not, cos people do care. I care.. and the person you have to live for is you, first and foremost - even though it doesn't seem so at this moment in time.

Even a tree and a plant has its life and will live it out and are needed for the forest to survive, and each other.
 
Abject said:
I feel undeserving
of all my misfortune
of any kindness and support
of having been born
and having to live

I hope everyone else is doing better off than I am
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I believe lots of people are doing worse. You are here, hopping for support.
All I can say is that people often goes through terrible phases in life, me included to the point you can't handle anymore.
i learned that phases goes by. This too will pass.
Wish you luck and patience
 
Kc, that sounds terrible and I am sorry that you felt there was no other way to change your life. I hope that this does not end up being goodbye. Everything can be turned inside out, everything can change, even though from where you sit today I know that change must seem further away than ever.Try to get some rest while you are in the hospital and take whatever help they offer you.<3
 
Today I wake up just like every other day, wondering why I should even get out of bed. I haven't been to any on my classes even tho I take two a week. Even thought I'm so lonely and miserable in my apartment, it's the only place I feel safe and comfortable. Seeing other kids at school kinda makes me feel like I dont belong with them, or with anyone. I'm just scared of every thing I guess cause everything I do ends so badly. So just another day of lying in bed until I get up just to get high so I can get thru the day to start all over.
 
Hey you're going to get through it CH. I know panic attacks are scary first hand and can seem like they will never end, but they will. They will end and you will be okay, I promise. When I have panic attacks sometimes I have dark thoughts too because I just want it all to end. The shaking, the nervousness, etc. It will.

You're going to be okay.
 
aq. said:
Hey you're going to get through it CH. I know panic attacks are scary first hand and can seem like they will never end, but they will. They will end and you will be okay, I promise. When I have panic attacks sometimes I have dark thoughts too because I just want it all to end. The shaking, the nervousness, etc. It will.

You're going to be okay.
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Thank you so much aq <3

It lasted for like 3 and a half hours

Dark thoughts the whole time

It's so hard to live through this without the drugs I was using, but I'm determined to keep at it and not relapse this time

I'm just so nervous all the time now. I hate it. I wish I could change.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
Thank you so much aq <3

It lasted for like 3 and a half hours

Dark thoughts the whole time

It's so hard to live through this without the drugs I was using, but I'm determined to keep at it and not relapse this time

I'm just so nervous all the time now. I hate it. I wish I could change.
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I know that feeling. Sometimes, I wish I could erase myself and draw up a new better me.
 
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