Am I a loser? Is it my destiny to be alone?

[dubdub78]

You hear a lot about the double standard when it comes to a man's sex life versus a woman's. It is always discussed that if a man is very sexually active and has several women he is seeing, he is some how a stud and gets a lot of respect. But for a woman to have that life style, she is considered a slut, whore, you name it. Many women, if not most or all, have a problem with this as they should. However, it seems to me that they tend to partially agree with it as well. What about the guy that does not get attention from women. Not only do men look at them as losers but so do women. In fact I've heard much worse from women than men in the 22+ years out of the 36 years of my life I've spent trying to find someone that would have some sort of interest in me.

I have been trying with no success to find friendship, love or just plan mutual lust/sex litterally for years with no success. I am not a virgin. Out of the thousands and thousands of rejections I've experienced in my life, I have gotten "lucky" twice and met a woman that was vulnerable at the time I happened to approach them. Both times they were women that had been recently dumped and cheated on. But the problem with that, is as soon as their confidence was back and they felt better about themselves they bolted. One was a little more respectful about it. She didn't string me along treating me like shit while cheating on me. She had the decency to talk to me and let me know everything that was wrong with me before she left me for another guy. So in retrospect, I think lucky is the wrong word to use. Those experiences were very painful.
I'm 36 years old and I look back on my life and see so much that I have missed out on. I have difficulty going to sleep at night. Not only from being dreadfully lonely but I think back on the experiences that I observed eveyone else having. I would literally think back on my entire life and remember as a child seeing boys having girls that had a crush on them and wishing I had that experience. I think back on my teenage years and recall other guys experimenting sexually with girls and me wondering what it was like, what happened, what does that mean, how did it feel? I think back on my college days witnessing guys hanging out with girls, just having fun, laughing and talking. Having them sneak into their dorms and just simply being cared about and desired. I think about my life now. I've never had a girl/woman tell me she loves me. I've never experienced someone fighting for and working for my companionship or just wanting my presence. I've watched friends grow in their relationships and matured into men that are now married with kids. All while making some major mistakes yet somehow holding on to the love that an amazing woman has for them. I've never experienced that. I'm 36 years old and I am still curious about sex, lust and love.

This is a scary feeling. I have anxiety attacks because I all I can see is my life passing by and me being an old man with nothing but curiosity.

The unsatisfied curiosity is a bitch. Sometimes, a lot of the time, I can't stop thinking about sex. I think about different parts of a woman's body wanting to know how it feels and tastes. I wonder about the scent of a woman and what it feels like to be welcomed by her to explore her body. But then I feel dirty. I feel like a pervert as if I have something on my mind that a woman would never allow for me. I feel like I've violated women somehow.
Other times I think about general life with a woman that I love and loves me back. I imagine how it feels to talk about our day, laying in bed together pondering our lives together. I think about how it might feel to have a goal to work towards together and what it is like to make plans and commitments with each other. Then I feel embarrassed in that I am day dreaming about something that a woman would be repulsed by; the thought of being stuck with me.

I think about these things but as I continue trying to meet someone that would see potential in me, I cant help but think that if I ever get to be so lucky, then what??? How in the hell would I know what to do? I am almost 40 years old. I don't feel like a woman is going to want to have to teach me skills that life experiences should have already fine tuned.

Am I destined or doomed to being a lonely loser for the rest of my life?

 

[fuc]

At your age you should know that nothing is set in stone, especially "being a loser."
I'm surprised you still have that mentality! Is it your environmental circumstances holding you back or is there anything else you could to to broaden your social circle & connect with people? Also have you tried a dating site?

 

[COUSiNSEX]

You sound terribly depressed, however being in a similar situation the feeling is somewhat mutual. You must exude self-confidence, because if you droll on about how your life is shit to a women then she'll believe you have serious self-esteem issues and in turn NOT WANT YOU. Have you ever thought of trying a call girl or escort? I don't know where your ethics stand on this but since you have been fantasizing to the point where you think it may be self-perversion (it's not, these things are normal unless it's on your mind 24/7 then you may have some unresolved, deep seeded issues) a beautiful, comely lass could help fill all your lustful needs as long as you don't mind paying of course : ] Having sex with a beautiful women could certainly give you surge of confidence, even though your paying for it. Like the previous poster said as well, dating sites are also a more "traditional" method of meeting women. This can take time though, like at least several months, before you meet a suitable women for you so don't get down on yourself if it doesn't strike magic at first. Good Luck friend -db-

 

[dubdub78]

At your age you should know that nothing is set in stone, especially "being a loser."
I'm surprised you still have that mentality! Is it your environmental circumstances holding you back or is there anything else you could to to broaden your social circle & connect with people? Also have you tried a dating site?

"Broaden you social circle", "Have confidence", "Volunteer", "Attend some type of class" ...
These are all buzz words/phrases people and self help books throw at you. I happen to think they are words that people who don't truly understand absolute loneliness and rejection use, and understandably so, because they don't know anything else to say. At my age, I understand a lot. I've tried everything under the sun. I just don't appeal to the opposite sex. That is as plain and simple as I can put it. Thank you for you response. It really is appreciated

 

[fuc]

"Broaden you social circle", "Have confidence", "Volunteer", "Attend some type of class" ...
These are all buzz words/phrases people and self help books throw at you. I happen to think they are words that people who don't truly understand absolute loneliness and rejection use, and understandably so, because they don't know anything else to say. At my age, I understand a lot. I've tried everything under the sun. I just don't appeal to the opposite sex. That is as plain and simple as I can put it. Thank you for you response. It really is appreciated

dude i get it im a socially retarded loser myself and these buzz words don't bother me because theyre "no duh" answers. only you can really answer your "am i doomed" question because you fucking know you. i think there's a problem with you wondering it in the first place. there is no such thing as doomed your future is not determined. do you know what it would take for you to believe you're not doomed?

 

[dubdub78]

WOW, it is somewhat of a relief that someone would mention using an escort service. I can't say that I agree with it 100% but it is something that has crossed my mind. There have been times that I've read through a series of escort ads but I never got the nerve up to actually call. I guess my morals are at conflict with it. I've also thought about a sex therapist. A certified therapist actually engages in sexual intercourse with the patient but I think that is for people who are physically challenged in certain ways.
I think I display confidence but I could be wrong. I definitely don't sit around and sulk and share my sad stories. I am a fun loving, outgoing person. I just don't get beyond a casual, friendly conversation with women. It is said of me from my family and friends that I can make friends anywhere. They find it funny that I can talk to literally anybody about anything. However, none of this translates into potential romances. One more thing about confidence, I have come to believe that it is not something that one can just have or build. I think it is actually a beautiful gift that people give to others. I've witnessed some of the most fragile, broken, shy guys light up and turn into the most brilliant and confident people in a matter of seconds of a beautiful woman smiling and saying hello to them and engaging in a conversation. I am a very observant person and I pay attention to a lot. It is a skill that I built in my loneliness trying to figure this whole love thing out.

 

[fuc]

the opposite sex is not what holds the key to self confidence
you've thought about it too much

 

[COUSiNSEX]

"Broaden you social circle", "Have confidence", "Volunteer", "Attend some type of class" ... These are all buzz words/phrases people and self help books throw at you. I happen to think they are words that people who don't truly understand absolute loneliness and rejection use, and understandably so, because they don't know anything else to say. At my age, I understand a lot. I've tried everything under the sun. I just don't appeal to the opposite sex. That is as plain and simple as I can put it. Thank you for you response. It really is appreciated

Dude, seriously? You sound as if you are condemning yourself before attempting to try and attract another women. Forget attraction, you just need to try and appeal to the opposite sex. Because it sounds like you are ready to call it quits and if so, why bother asking advice? Is there something you believe or assume is wrong with you besides your obvious lack of success with women? Are you overweight? Do you have negative regard for your general appearance? Hygiene maybe? Good god man, throw us a bone before you doom yourself to a sex-less and isolated void.

 

[COUSiNSEX]

WOW, it is somewhat of a relief that someone would mention using an escort service. I can't say that I agree with it 100% but it is something that has crossed my mind. There have been times that I've read through a series of escort ads but I never got the nerve up to actually call. I guess my morals are at conflict with it. I've also thought about a sex therapist. A certified therapist actually engages in sexual intercourse with the patient but I think that is for people who are physically challenged in certain ways. I think I display confidence but I could be wrong. I definitely don't sit around and sulk and share my sad stories. I am a fun loving, outgoing person. I just don't get beyond a casual, friendly conversation with women. It is said of me from my family and friends that I can make friends anywhere. They find it funny that I can talk to literally anybody about anything. However, none of this translates into potential romances. One more thing about confidence, I have come to believe that it is not something that one can just have or build. I think it is actually a beautiful gift that people give to others. I've witnessed some of the most fragile, broken, shy guys light up and turn into the most brilliant and confident people in a matter of seconds of a beautiful woman smiling and saying hello to them and engaging in a conversation. I am a very observant person and I pay attention to a lot. It is a skill that I built in my loneliness trying to figure this whole love thing out.

Unfortunately, Love kinda just happens. When you meet the right person, you will be beaming with confidence. And yes, to your point, confidence is obviously something that doesn't come natural to a lot of people. But we still give it a go, yes? I have terrible self-confidence, especially in the confines of other males when in the presence of women. I'm at my best when I play 1-to-1, others are better in a group setting. I'm sure you've already tried this, but maybe get together with your friends and go out to a social event, or hell, even a bar. Let them be your wing men, since most of them are already in relationships they can talk you up to a potential girl and give you an in. And as far as the escort thing, I only mentioned it as a last ditch attempt to get out your sexual frustrations. Sometimes pandering to the meat stick yourself just isn't enough. -db-

 

[pofacedhoe]

people can pick up on your negative attitude and they wont find it attractive

when you look around you in town i'm sure you see couples that are not particularly attractive. yet they found someone so its probably got more to do with your lack of confidence/self indulgent poor me attitude.

positive attitudes are so much more attractive. if you dont like yourself why should anyone else. people learn by example, so set them one they can copy thats good

 

[-=SS=-]

Am I destined or doomed to being a lonely loser for the rest of my life?

Only if you choose, or let yourself, be. You got to put yourself in a better frame of mind first of all, and the foundation to that is threefold: Balanced diet, exercise, sleep. Over looked by the majority of people but it really is the best place to start. Get yourself healthy/in shape and you'll not only feel good but you will hold yourself more confidently. It also shows you take pride in yourself and gives you something to talk about. Getting yourself healthy in body will help to get you healthy in mind too.. it's amazing what it can do for your mental state, but if you never try it you will never realize the difference in how you can "be" each day.

Second, healthy mind. Obviously you want sex but I think you've made it in to a massive issue where it defines the rest of your thinking.. this will complicate things in your interactions with women, unless you happen to be James Bond. Just relax about it.. you say you want to be loved, but what comes across strongest in your post is desire for sexual exploration. Well, you got to put yourself in a position where that can happen first.. ie a trusting relationship with someone who will let you explore whilst building you up. Work out how to get yourself in that position and sex will happen naturally. Again, get healthy is a good starting point.. then work out what you can offer a woman, like what your strengths are and what you could improve on.

Got to have a plan man. Don't waste all your energy feeling sorry for yourself. Get motivated to better yourself.

ps I don't know how much you tug yourself, but too much won't help you. Go one week without and you'll see the difference in your energy, and women notice that too.

 

[Ubi]

DubDub78,

When you do meet a female and engage conversation with her, how does it go? Your story reminds me of an old friend of mine from long ago. A handsome guy, kind, insightful....lots of wisdom. I always wondered why more women didn't flock towards him; then, one day after work and at the local water hole I got my answer. When women did approach him, he just brimmed over with words, information, everything gurgled up to the surface for him and, well, because he came across as too eager, they would retreat.
In a moment weeks later I suggested something to him I though might help. Take time when speaking to the ladies. Don't 'bowl' them over with information; breath. make them 'earn' your time. I know this may seem weird to say but often, women become more curious when I guy is slightly aloof, a guy who holds back somewhat rather than brimming over with a hundred words a minute or all they know about this or that.
I don't know; just a thought.
and also, I think you should hire a pro for all your curiosities. A kind compassionate Pro; you have gone waaaay toooo long without affections. You are not a weirdo for wondering about a woman's body, a woman's smell; You are not violating anyone except perhaps your self. People need to be held and even if it's by a Pro at first, You NEED to gain experience. You need affection and with that, imo, a new you will emerge.

 

[dubdub78]

DubDub78,

When you do meet a female and engage conversation with her, how does it go? Your story reminds me of an old friend of mine from long ago. A handsome guy, kind, insightful....lots of wisdom. I always wondered why more women didn't flock towards him; then, one day after work and at the local water hole I got my answer. When women did approach him, he just brimmed over with words, information, everything gurgled up to the surface for him and, well, because he came across as too eager, they would retreat.
In a moment weeks later I suggested something to him I though might help. Take time when speaking to the ladies. Don't 'bowl' them over with information; breath. make them 'earn' your time. I know this may seem weird to say but often, women become more curious when I guy is slightly aloof, a guy who holds back somewhat rather than brimming over with a hundred words a minute or all they know about this or that.
I don't know; just a thought.
and also, I think you should hire a pro for all your curiosities. A kind compassionate Pro; you have gone waaaay toooo long without affections. You are not a weirdo for wondering about a woman's body, a woman's smell; You are not violating anyone except perhaps your self. People need to be held and even if it's by a Pro at first, You NEED to gain experience. You need affection and with that, imo, a new you will emerge.

Ubi and =SS=

Your words are actually something that makes sense to me. Thank you both for taking time to provide actual constructive feedback.
Ubi, to answer your question, I guess I can be a bit of an open book. I did not always be that way but I actually made a conscious effort to be more open and inviting to people several years ago. I used to work with this girl that I had a huge crush on but when I asked her out, she actually said that I was too much of a mystery! She went on to say that she felt I was sneaky and that she did not trust me. It was then I made a decision to be more open to people. I have to say that it lead me to having more of a social life but I guess I kinda took it too far. I will try to peel back a little. Like I said, I have no problem approaching women and having conversations but how can I approach a woman but still hold back? Women don't approach me. Would that not lead to awkward silences that would just make her walk away?

SS,
In regards to my health, I know there is some work I have to do. I used to be a very healthy person. I used to work out in the gym everyday and ate very cleanly. Believe me or not, there was once a time when these three girls that worked out at the gym I went to that actually approached me and ask if they could see me naked. True story! I did not know how to respond so I just laughed it off. It was also during the time I was in the second of the 2 bad relationships I mentioned before. I am a pretty faithful guy. Speaking of that relationship, shortly after she broke up with me is when I kinda started letting myself go. Soon after I took another very demanding job which also impacted my commitment to my health.
Thank you both again! Your words are bringing some actual good memories back. I was not so bad back then maybe I can get back there.
I still don't know about reaching out to a professional but I can see that I do need the experience. I will give it some more thought.

 

[dubdub78]

Only if you choose, or let yourself, be. You got to put yourself in a better frame of mind first of all, and the foundation to that is threefold: Balanced diet, exercise, sleep. Over looked by the majority of people but it really is the best place to start. Get yourself healthy/in shape and you'll not only feel good but you will hold yourself more confidently. It also shows you take pride in yourself and gives you something to talk about. Getting yourself healthy in body will help to get you healthy in mind too.. it's amazing what it can do for your mental state, but if you never try it you will never realize the difference in how you can "be" each day.

Second, healthy mind. Obviously you want sex but I think you've made it in to a massive issue where it defines the rest of your thinking.. this will complicate things in your interactions with women, unless you happen to be James Bond. Just relax about it.. you say you want to be loved, but what comes across strongest in your post is desire for sexual exploration. Well, you got to put yourself in a position where that can happen first.. ie a trusting relationship with someone who will let you explore whilst building you up. Work out how to get yourself in that position and sex will happen naturally. Again, get healthy is a good starting point.. then work out what you can offer a woman, like what your strengths are and what you could improve on.

Got to have a plan man. Don't waste all your energy feeling sorry for yourself. Get motivated to better yourself.

ps I don't know how much you tug yourself, but too much won't help you. Go one week without and you'll see the difference in your energy, and women notice that too.

Ubi and =SS=

Your words are actually something that makes sense to me. Thank you both for taking time to provide actual constructive feedback.
Ubi, to answer your question, I guess I can be a bit of an open book. I did not always be that way but I actually made a conscious effort to be more open and inviting to people several years ago. I used to work with this girl that I had a huge crush on but when I asked her out, she actually said that I was too much of a mystery! She went on to say that she felt I was sneaky and that she did not trust me. It was then I made a decision to be more open to people. I have to say that it lead me to having more of a social life but I guess I kinda took it too far. I will try to peel back a little. Like I said, I have no problem approaching women and having conversations but how can I approach a woman but still hold back? Women don't approach me. Would that not lead to awkward silences that would just make her walk away?

SS,
In regards to my health, I know there is some work I have to do. I used to be a very healthy person. I used to work out in the gym everyday and ate very cleanly. Believe me or not, there was once a time when these three girls that worked out at the gym I went to that actually approached me and ask if they could see me naked. True story! I did not know how to respond so I just laughed it off. It was also during the time I was in the second of the 2 bad relationships I mentioned before. I am a pretty faithful guy. Speaking of that relationship, shortly after she broke up with me is when I kinda started letting myself go. Soon after I took another very demanding job which also impacted my commitment to my health.
Thank you both again! Your words are bringing some actual good memories back. I was not so bad back then maybe I can get back there.

 

[dubdub78]

Unfortunately, Love kinda just happens. When you meet the right person, you will be beaming with confidence. And yes, to your point, confidence is obviously something that doesn't come natural to a lot of people. But we still give it a go, yes? I have terrible self-confidence, especially in the confines of other males when in the presence of women. I'm at my best when I play 1-to-1, others are better in a group setting. I'm sure you've already tried this, but maybe get together with your friends and go out to a social event, or hell, even a bar. Let them be your wing men, since most of them are already in relationships they can talk you up to a potential girl and give you an in. And as far as the escort thing, I only mentioned it as a last ditch attempt to get out your sexual frustrations. Sometimes pandering to the meat stick yourself just isn't enough. -db-

I don't judge anyone that sells or buys sex. However, there is so much stigma behind it. What really bothers me is that you always hear women dog men that engages with escorts, hookers, prostitutes, what ever word you want to use for it. You hear them saying things like "I would never be with a man if he ever paid for sex" and so on. My thing is its been so hard for me to meet someone, if I ever do, I don't want it to not work out just because I hired a woman for a little affection and gratification. Is there any insight you can give me to get over those thoughts? Also I am worried about safety as well. I don't want to catch something you can't get rid of. I know condoms are there but I feel like I have the unfortunate luck of being in the .0001% of the population that it fails for.

 

[Rio Fantastic]

About the dichotomy between the perceptions of men and women based on their sex lives, I had it explained to me like this and it makes perfect sense in explaining the apparently disparity. If a key opens a lot of locks, it's a master key. If a lock is opened by a lot of keys, it's just a shitty lock. As for the rest of your post, don't worry about it too much. Some people are just born to spend their lives alone without partners or sex. Don't let it rule your life. Jump into your career, your hobbies, your passions, distract yourself from the crushing loneliness. As others have mentioned, to fill the gaping hole left by the lack of sexual contact DON'T go kerb crawling for some cheap hooker who's probably addicted to crack and riddled with STDs. Splurge a little and get a pricey escort, by spending a decent amount of money you can hire girls that literally look like models who will satisfy all of your sexual needs. Pay them a little more and they'll even give you the whole dating experience. Depending on how good your imagination is you may even get lost in your fantasy temporarily and forget that you're paying the woman to spend time with you. After all, you aren't a virgin and you have been in relationships with women before, so it could be a lot worse. Believe it or not there are men older than you that have never even held hands with a woman - how terrible would that be? Just move on with your life, use escorts gratuitously, and wait till you're a senior citizen. I'm sure when you're much older you'll find that the women are much less picky, just have some Viagra handy and you can catch up on the experiences you missed out on. Does replacing real love, companionship and sex based on mutual attraction with escorts, fantasizing about being in your seventies so you can legitimately score some action sound depressing? Hell yeah it does! But don't let it rule your life is what I'm trying to get at here.

So I can help you a little more be specific about your actual flaws. The way I see it to be in your current position at 36 means that at least one of these three things must be wrong with you, and if you tell me none of them are you're either totally deluded or lying to me and yourself:

1. Your appearance. Be honest now, are you good looking, average looking, or hideous? If it's the latter then I could understand your problem.

2. Your personality. Are you confident, outgoing, charismatic? Do you have an everyday, average personality? Are you soul-crushingly boring, extremely shy or totally lacking in self confidence, weak, pathetic etc? Again if it's the last one I could understand your problem.

3. Do you have ridiculously high standards? Are you looking for a girl who you find very attractive and with a great personality? Will you just not settle for an average or in any way flawed girl? If this is the case then again I understand your problem.

Answer those three questions honestly and we can work through your problem together.

 

[COUSiNSEX]

Well there will always be a social taboo against anything controversial, even if it is legal and legitimate. Obviously, if you engage into an appointment with an escort you certainly should not tell ANY POTENTIAL GIRLFRIEND about this.

This should be obvious and if you need me to explicitly remind you of that then somethings wrong here. It's like walking into a job interview and telling the potential employer about all the jobs you've been fired from and how bad you flaked out.... not going to help you get the job. There is certain information you should never disclose to any woman who you consider a candidate because it's not relevant at all to helping you win her affection. Maybe as time passes you can tell her certain details, once you two are comfortable around each other but at first, a definite NO. C'mon Man!

As far as finding a clean, reliable girl.... that's a gamble any way you see fit. The best place to find a decent call girl is on a certain website, which I will not list here because I'm new and don't want to be perma-banned unless the mods don't care. Maybe I can PM it to you? Most of the girls there are clean and independent (no pimps, managers or madams) and post pictures of themselves, usually excluding their face (for legal reasons obviously) with contact information. If you go for it, take all the requisite precautions to keep yourself protected from any undesirable afflictions.

-db-

 

[aberod]

sasq

 

[Johnny1]

Do you think there are women out there in the same situation? I do. Maybe they are not sought after for their physical presence, but they have the same feelings and desires as anyone else. You could find one and make each other happy. Or do you feel you can't make a big compromise on your standards of beauty in order to have a partner?

 

[harmacologist]

"positive attitudes are so much more attractive."

This is so true. And as much as you want to think that you can magically change this, even if you "fake it" and seem happy, you still hormonally _smell_ like a depressed, desperate, loser.

i know that by 40 i'll commit suicide.

I always thought I'd make it to 40, watch the 40 Year Old Virgin, then go blow my head off in shame. Now I don't even want to make it to 40. Another year and a half, I'll be 30, and I'll probably do it then, to end the constant painful reminder of sucking at being a human being. Just gotta become Muslim first.