MDMA Recovery (Stories & Support)

[me2point0]

Are the majority of you guys all trying out antidepressants? I feel left out ahhah.

Every weekend, I go out to a electronic music event and I just drink couple beers. And every fucking monday, I notice HUGE improvements. Today, I couldnt count my Bpm with just the feeling in my chest. Looks like my heartbeat awareness stopped? What? Is it even possible?

Coming back from the show they all went to sleep or tried to. I went in the bathroom looking for floaters in the bright light but couldnt. Tried to feel motion sickness but it was gone. Started having little watery eyes of joy once again. I actually felt connected to my girlfriend, I swear I have emotions now, or a little more than before.

Ill stop talking about how good it feels like to be back in the game. But please listten to me;

If you used for years and never felt anything close to this ltc, or used once and jammed like me. Or used moderately and ended up here, i know for some of you this is wrong and stupid and will hate me for saying that, but it's not brain damage. Please stop tormenting your mind that it is and stop telling yourself you fucked up that night or you shouldnt have used. PLEASE. Your mind will reroute and believe it is. I would put my life on the line that it's not.

YOU COULDNT KNOW, and u know what, that night if I knew that there was a chance of getting that ltc if I dropped that pill, I WOULD DO IT ANYWAY. Because were human.

Everyday i'm on stimulants rathan ssri right now. powerfull if you ask me, it makes me anxious but why do I do it, to challenge myself. I dont hide from the monster, I go looking for that sucker. I can feel my bpm now, writting this, because it's something that I vigorously believe in and it makes me anxious to know some of you think your powerhouse is partially dead.

Tell me i'm wrong and tell me to get off this thread with my over-joyful motivational BS theories I dont care, but consider the possibility that you may be holding yourself back a little too much. I was in my bed thinking I was having a heart attack before my gf wanted to attend the event. I wanted to take her lift to the ER. But shit I went to that event head on still on my stimulants and thook alcohol, the arythmia combo because i'm 18 and if my heart had something wrong with it I would have died and I wanted to take a chance. Because proving yourself wrong can be the most eye-oppening moment youll ever have.

Again, long post, useless, TLDR, whatever. I'm in class right now but I felt the need to screw 30 mins and maybe reach out to hopeless sufferers. Dont give up FFS. I wanted to give up. But giving up that 0.001% chance of getting back to normal was too hard. Maybe i'm hallucinating that im feeling better, but shit, who cares, let me hallucinate my own happiness.

One of the happiest moment of your life is the time you will be able to let go of something you have no control over.

I wont be posting as much as writing and readig this brings up adrenaline in my body, but feel free to pm ill check often and reply asap.

Ps: one thing that motivates me to stay on prescribbed daily ampthetamines is ,"[...] But, in humans with adhd, amphetamines appear to improve brain developpement and nerve growth.[...]"

 

[mike55]

Yes you will, as soon as you get used to not challenge it. Get of of the trip, complaining about what you cant do and if you will be able to do it again. Thats the key here
Give it some time, let your brain rest for a while. Thinking about it makes things only worse.
Accept the anxiety will be your unwanted brother for some time from now. Lessen the stress caused by complaining and thinking and your brain will fix this problem for sure! The pill, or whate ever you took just made your brain vulnerable for this anxiety cycle. The anxiety you experience is stress induced and the more you think about this whole thing, the more you stress your brain. Its a logic circle Give it some time bro. Your old me is just waiting to come out again, and stress prevents it from this. Accept that you are in an anxiety cycle and that you will recover for sure(and do things you got used to do). The more you accept this, the faster you will get out of this. How long it lasts is your decision

Have a good one!

Btw.: I just can recommend the book At last life by Paul David for everyone who suffers from this whole anxiety thing. Got it today - very interesting!

the thing is man its not anxiety, im a stoner i always am happy n looking forward to smoking n calm but its that its physically not inducing a weed high, like something chemically isnt triggering the right signals or seretonin is fried or something. its not like im anxious n trippin out like i dont get stoned. did you read all my symptoms n story?

 

[Deltronpedro]

the thing is man its not anxiety, im a stoner i always am happy n looking forward to smoking n calm but its that its physically not inducing a weed high, like something chemically isnt triggering the right signals or seretonin is fried or something. its not like im anxious n trippin out like i dont get stoned. did you read all my symptoms n story?

Yep, i did. I was used to smoke weed every day since5-6 years(Im not proud of it) but its just how I am.
What ever triggers this uncomfort feelings says that you should give your brain some time to rest.
If you ask me, your brain shouts for rest and does everything to avoid feelings and substances that confounds your brain chemistry again. Same for me...

 

[mike55]

Yep, i did. I was used to smoke weed every day since5-6 years(Im not proud of it) but its just how I am.
What ever triggers this uncomfort feelings says that you should give your brain some time to rest.
If you ask me, your brain shouts for rest and does everything to avoid feelings and substances that confounds your brain chemistry again. Same for me...

thanks man, i really appreciate it. thats the only thing thats keeping me positive and have hope is that ill be cured after a very long rest period and exercise and vitamins n nutrition from food my brain should balance itself out. cause im lookin at long life depression if its permanent, but im being optimistic that its not.

what do you think is actually happening? like is it that my receptors are badly damaged, or all the strain from smokin and doin that dirty drug that night messed up the signals? idk if you are familiar with brain chemistry like hopefully it didnt kill an important axon that communicates pleasure or that lets you get high thats unfixable.

btw thank you for your replies you are giving me hope.

 

[Deltronpedro]

To be honest:
I think we took a pill which wasted our brain chemistry and messed it up. Same time it illcontitioned our behaviour. One is the pill and the other is the psychological reaction. All of the symptoms, and you may think Im kidding,
are brain/feeling induced, no they arent permanent. Why dont you always cry like a baby, why do you have some good days between? Its not about damage in oyur head, but a disorder caused by a total mess. And the disorder feels like damage..If you would be permanent damaged you would not just feel like that when your smoking pott. Your brain want to say: "mike, please give me some time"
It will heal. The only way out of this disorder is not to stress your brain, then it can heal. If you broke your leg you wont be happy with complaining the first three month about not beeing able to run on it(or even googling if its permanent :D). Im no fucking doctor, but thats what I believe in. And some others made this experience as well. For example a friend of mine.
Maybe it gives you some cure, but je got out of this after 2.5 month, made 3 month more brake from smoking pott(just for safe), and is now a stoner again And why?He was never complaining and googling about his "illness". He learned it very fast how to deal with that. After nearly 3 month he snapped out.

 

[pmz]

Are the majority of you guys all trying out antidepressants? I feel left out ahhah.

Every weekend, I go out to a electronic music event and I just drink couple beers. And every fucking monday, I notice HUGE improvements. Today, I couldnt count my Bpm with just the feeling in my chest. Looks like my heartbeat awareness stopped? What? Is it even possible?

Coming back from the show they all went to sleep or tried to. I went in the bathroom looking for floaters in the bright light but couldnt. Tried to feel motion sickness but it was gone. Started having little watery eyes of joy once again. I actually felt connected to my girlfriend, I swear I have emotions now, or a little more than before.

Ill stop talking about how good it feels like to be back in the game. But please listten to me;

If you used for years and never felt anything close to this ltc, or used once and jammed like me. Or used moderately and ended up here, i know for some of you this is wrong and stupid and will hate me for saying that, but it's not brain damage. Please stop tormenting your mind that it is and stop telling yourself you fucked up that night or you shouldnt have used. PLEASE. Your mind will reroute and believe it is. I would put my life on the line that it's not.

YOU COULDNT KNOW, and u know what, that night if I knew that there was a chance of getting that ltc if I dropped that pill, I WOULD DO IT ANYWAY. Because were human.

Everyday i'm on stimulants rathan ssri right now. powerfull if you ask me, it makes me anxious but why do I do it, to challenge myself. I dont hide from the monster, I go looking for that sucker. I can feel my bpm now, writting this, because it's something that I vigorously believe in and it makes me anxious to know some of you think your powerhouse is partially dead.

Tell me i'm wrong and tell me to get off this thread with my over-joyful motivational BS theories I dont care, but consider the possibility that you may be holding yourself back a little too much. I was in my bed thinking I was having a heart attack before my gf wanted to attend the event. I wanted to take her lift to the ER. But shit I went to that event head on still on my stimulants and thook alcohol, the arythmia combo because i'm 18 and if my heart had something wrong with it I would have died and I wanted to take a chance. Because proving yourself wrong can be the most eye-oppening moment youll ever have.

Again, long post, useless, TLDR, whatever. I'm in class right now but I felt the need to screw 30 mins and maybe reach out to hopeless sufferers. Dont give up FFS. I wanted to give up. But giving up that 0.001% chance of getting back to normal was too hard. Maybe i'm hallucinating that im feeling better, but shit, who cares, let me hallucinate my own happiness.

One of the happiest moment of your life is the time you will be able to let go of something you have no control over.

I wont be posting as much as writing and readig this brings up adrenaline in my body, but feel free to pm ill check often and reply asap.

Ps: one thing that motivates me to stay on prescribbed daily ampthetamines is ,"[...] But, in humans with adhd, amphetamines appear to improve brain developpement and nerve growth.[...]"

Dude I like this. I def feel part of recovery of really putting actually joy back into your life and doing things that make you feel good. Going to shows is a great idea.

I hold my self back from going to shows because I don't feel/experience the sound of the music the same way. It doesn't give me that rush and euphoria which made me fall in love with it in the first place. Yet, I can still enjoy music and actually had an amazing time at a feed me show I went to 2 weeks ago. I let me self get Drunk and say Fuck it. And actually had the greatest time. But I'm afraid of getting drunk. And feel like I was only able to have a good time since I drank. I was kinda miserable there till I started drinking. Maybe I just need to say fuck it and have a few drinks every now and then. Myind still locks on to how music sounds or better does not feel to me.

Do you experience that same thing with music and just say Fuck it and go to shows anyway? Or does it feel just the same.

Regardess. I think I need to find more forms of excitement. Its hard living in a new state with little friends to go out with and not having the same social energy to make friends like I used to.

 

[Dawglaw]

PMZ - you are on to something. Keep yourself occupied. The busier I found myself during (the tail end) of my recovery, the better I felt. The more things I had to distract myself from my anxiety, the less I noticed it. You sound like you are getting closer and closer.

 

[Deltronpedro]

I think i got it guys.
Today anxiety kicked in and i hade a strange and blurry vision again and i felt not really like my same, it was overwhelming. So what did i do?
I jumped into my car, drove to a friend of mine and drank 2 beer! The first time in this 3 month! It was very hard aber after a little while i asked my self: "Is that all you got?". And i continued!
I got this fucking anxiety at its balls and its a wonderfull feeling to be my own boss again.
If i can continue like this i will recover in no time!
Hell yeah. Just sat in my car and laughed out loud about this whole shit :D

 

[Badroll7]

That's the spirit. Idk what it is about drinking a few beers that make you not care anymore lol. Also keeping busy is vital. Make yourself too busy to think about a comedown!

 

[thejibberman]

I reached 6 months two days ago. Back at University now, where I took the MDMA and completely lost my mind for the first two weeks. I won't lie, this was my biggest worry/fear all over summer but I'm pretty happy right now and I think I've got this all covered.

Still considering Anti-depressants though just for a mellow ride along.

Symptoms left:
Mild Anxiety
Eye Floaters (unsure if getting better or worse)

Good on you me2point0! You and I are one week apart from when we took the MDMA. Great to still hear from you!

 

[EvolutionDnB]

My Friends and I are Experiencing this all for the first time after a 4 day binge at Bestival. We are all experienced MDMA users and none of us have ever experienced these kind of effects before. Although this is my first (and now last ever) 4 day binge, the others have done 4 and 5 day festivals before and not felt these symptoms.

We are all now quite concerned because it seems a bit of a coincedence that we all feel the same way having never experienced this on a come down before. Is there any chance this could have been caused by a "Bad Batch" or adultarants in our MDMA?

Our symptoms are:
Random bouts of dizzyness
Occasional really intense vertigo type sensation
Occasional "Brain Fizzes" (feels like pressure in the back of my skull) accompanied by ringing in the ear.

All my symptoms are made worse with cannabis so I am not using it for a while, at least untill I feel completely normal again.

none of us have taken any MDMA since Monday 2am, I wasn't experiencing anything until Weds evening, but one of us has been feeling it since Monday evening pretty much constantly.

Reading the posts above had provided some reassurance that we just need to sleep it off, however any extra info would be greatly appreciated.

 

[regot]

I feel that! Man it's a piece of shit, ONE fucking pill and I swear its fucked my thought pattern up! Changed my personality too haha, 2months later I've improved but feel like its staying the same, just wanna get better and toke up and laugh at this memory.

I have a sure fire way of enjoying weed like the early days before the stims came along and ruined it. By all means do not make this a habit. I smoke weed occasionally now probably like 3 times a month and believe me its chronIC! especially out here in cali. So to enjoy weed without the bullshit anxiety you gotta get yourself some xanax and yeah thats it! dont take it everyday only when your about to smoke the chron. please use with caution benzos have there place but many people form addictions to them so heed with caution.

 

[coderbrah]

Well the past few days really sucked but today definitely took the cake. Walked home from the store, mind racing feeling faint. I come home, try to make something to eat but I was so distant and faint, eventually I just grapped the nearest table for support and started gasping for air unable to think, almost hyperventilating. I had no idea what went on, I dropped to the ground and laid against the fridge for support almost passing out. My mom then came to me and I signed with my hands that I needed to eat something (since I took the X I've been unable to deal with blood sugar drops (never had this before in my life and my glucose levels are fine) ). My mom gave me some grapes and at the moment I put them in my mouth I started crying uncontrollably. Its insane how shattered a mind can become if you dont take good care of it.

I am so fortunate my parents have loved me unconditionally throughout this whole ordeal, without judging or blaming.

 

[jusjenn21]

@coderbrah I am a fellow suffer and follower of this thread.. I feel for you dude. I only wish things get better for you.i too am fortunate to have my mom by my side .. were lucky.. stay strong. ?

 

[Clocktower]

After a binge like that it's not at all surprising that you've had side effects lasting two weeks (that's why such binges are not recommended). You'll feel better with time. A "full" recovery could be a matter of a few weeks or a couple of months. Avoiding drugs, eating a healthy diet, and getting plenty of exercise and sleep will help you recover faster.

 

[imabicycle]

Im not much better either coder but our time will come. Still complete survival mode for me. Are you also still having digestive issues? I have actually gotten lpr because of this.

 

[ScaredFirstTimer]

Im not much better either coder but our time will come. Still complete survival mode for me. Are you also still having digestive issues? I have actually gotten lpr because of this.

Tried cutting out absolutely all dairy? I had mad digestive issues until I stopped eating/drinking dairy products.

 

[Mazzab]

My Friends and I are Experiencing this all for the first time after a 4 day binge at Bestival. We are all experienced MDMA users and none of us have ever experienced these kind of effects before. Although this is my first (and now last ever) 4 day binge, the others have done 4 and 5 day festivals before and not felt these symptoms.

We are all now quite concerned because it seems a bit of a coincedence that we all feel the same way having never experienced this on a come down before. Is there any chance this could have been caused by a "Bad Batch" or adultarants in our MDMA?

Our symptoms are:
Random bouts of dizzyness
Occasional really intense vertigo type sensation
Occasional "Brain Fizzes" (feels like pressure in the back of my skull) accompanied by ringing in the ear.

All my symptoms are made worse with cannabis so I am not using it for a while, at least untill I feel completely normal again.

none of us have taken any MDMA since Monday 2am, I wasn't experiencing anything until Weds evening, but one of us has been feeling it since Monday evening pretty much constantly.

Reading the posts above had provided some reassurance that we just need to sleep it off, however any extra info would be greatly appreciated.

You would know if there was anything wrong with your MDMA if you test it first.

 

[ro4eva]

I think i got it guys.
Today anxiety kicked in and i hade a strange and blurry vision again and i felt not really like my same, it was overwhelming. So what did i do?
I jumped into my car, drove to a friend of mine and drank 2 beer! The first time in this 3 month! It was very hard aber after a little while i asked my self: "Is that all you got?". And i continued!
I got this fucking anxiety at its balls and its a wonderfull feeling to be my own boss again.
If i can continue like this i will recover in no time!
Hell yeah. Just sat in my car and laughed out loud about this whole shit :D

Alcohol affects the same area of the brain that benzodiazepines do. They both modulate GABAA receptors.

So it's to be expected that your anxiety would drop while buzzing off of the beer.

I was really conflicted regarding whether I should even say anything, because I don't wanna ruin the moment, so to speak.

In the end however, I feel it's important (since this is a harm reduction forum) to suggest that you don't rely on alcohol for anxiety because it has a really short half-life, and it can do a ton of damage if consumed chronically/long term.

 

[Hiroki]

Hey people. I haven't been by here for a while since I was diagnosed celiac and found to be B12 and vitamin D deficient (both can cause psychological symptoms). I'm being treated and feel slightly better but I still think I'm in parallel suffering an LTC (my symptoms started 3 days after dosing a gram of untested MDMA) or perhaps some PTSD style anxiety as a result of this whole ordeal.
Lately though I've been feeling... strange. Anxiety doesn't really seem to be a problem anymore, I certainly don't have panic attacks but now I feel in sort of a cloudy haze a lot and kind of far away. In easy to understand terms I feel like I just railed half a line of ketamine and toked a joint.

Intellectually I'm fine but my memory is shot all of a sudden (5 months after LTC started), I forget what I'm saying midsentence, I forget if I took medication or not, I forget what I ate 3 hours after dinner, I forget what I did the night before. I don't feel sharp like I used to. Also been hit by depression now, real depression, not sadness or crying but a feeling of everything lacking meaning - I look at the town I grew up in and the faces of my relatives and my mind just draws a blank. I feel far away and dissociated like my consciousness is kind of not quite there, this makes me feel horribly claustrophobic, even when I'm outside walking in the countryside I feel like I'm trapped in a cellar. Depersonalization is gone and that helps a lot, I feel like a person again which is one upside. Does anyone associate with any of this? Definitely helps to know other people feel the same.

It's almost like the calm after the storm and I'm sure it's simply my brain exhausted after panic phase, nevertheless I'm trying to push it in the right direction with brain exercises and positive thinking. Strangely enough the mixture of alcohol and caffeine seems to make me feel a ton better, whereas benzos on their own make me feel even more dissociated and borderline suicidal. Considering taking an SSRI, I think the idea that positive thinking promotes positive brain changes is spot on, if an SSRI can help me maintain a positive mood for 2 months or so then it could surely only be a good thing for recovery?

Ever think about doing 30 minutes of cardio a day rather than an SSRI? I would look into it, also the neurogenesis from the cardio would help your brain out in the 'long run', no pun intended.

Personally reading all these stories makes me want to quit everything. I'm drinking wine right now which doesn't really make me feel great, just able to cope with reality better. I'm quitting caffeine today, going cold turkey because it's a bitche and always leads me to harder stim's. I exercise alot, and am a vegetarian. I'm also trying to quit masturbating and looking at porn, NoFap if you will. The last thing I want to do is get on a drug to fix what drugs did to me. I think I may need to quit while I'm ahead. Perhaps one last batch of mxe and 4-aco-dmt, to really put things in their proper perspective and help me overcome this addiction that is resurfacing.

I've been using both Elevate and Lumosity apps on my phone for brain training, so superb they are. :D

Btw, my advice to you is try a vegetarian diet (with a methly b-12 lozenge and a daily multivitamin supp, also daily omega 3 intake from flax, chia or walnuts), meditate daily (at least 5 minutes morning or night to begin with), exercise at least 4 days a week (preferably 4 days of cardio, anything different than that is up to you), and post back how you feel in 4 weeks. But then you are probably seeing a doctor and why would you want to take advice from me? I have travelled both roads my friend, western medicine and the ways of TCM and ayurveda, and let me tell you the far east knows what's up when it comes to reaching an equilibrium of mind, body, and spirit. Western medicine is great for surgery and emergencies...anyways enough from me. I just want to see people be happy and healthy. PM for an herbal regimen that puts smiles on faces and kicks up energy levels way better than caffeine.

That's my 2 cents bro, take it or leave it.